What I'm doing right now...

I'm scrubbing the bathroom after having cleaned the kitchen and changing the sheets and sorting about 200 movies.

Number one comes in and says "Mom, do you clean when you are sad?"

Ummmm, yah, Bud. Sometimes.
His reply..."Well! That explains it."

He's gone. MG is gone. Sometimes I just can't believe it. I tried so hard to be what he needed. I want to just go to bed until the hurting stops.

Wake me up next year.

Kid comments on MG...

#3 - "Mom, I love MG. He's such a good dad."

#2 - "Yah, he doesn't hit us or yell like our other dad."
OK, now I have guilt.

#1 - Ever the wanna-be-grownup "I think you've made a wise choice, Mother."

#4 - "Mom, do you like MG?"
Me - in a conspiratorial whisper "Yes. In fact, I even LOVE him."
#4 - "Well, don't you think it's time you DO something about that?"

Ummm, why is she telling ME this? Hmmmm?

I have ISSUES

I have issues. Yes, I do...

**Disclaimer - I've always wanted to be one of those sweet bloggers who writes only uplifting, creative, happy stuff.
Unfortunately, this is a step in the OTHER direction.

Why, oh WHY, am I awake at 4am? Because my Almost-14 year old woke me up to tell me he was hungry. In my half asleep state, I mumbled "So go eat some leftover pizza". So he does...
Heating it up in the microwave and turning on the TV and waking up his sister.
Shall I strangle him now or later?

Half of me says "He was hungry, it's ok." The other part of me (you know, the part that likes to SLEEP) says "WHOOOOA Nelly! This ain't happinin ever again!" So I guess we'll have to have a talk. The boy is 6 ft tall and weighs 260 lbs already. He can survive on his reserves until 6am. I don't know...am I wrong?

A good mother would get up and make him something, right?

Next subject -
Went to #2's parent teacher conference. Felt like a total failure by the time I left.
"She needs to know these simple addition and subtraction problems by sight. You HAVE to work with her. Get some flash cards!" OK, got flashcards, DON'T have TIME.
"I hope she's reading at home". Not unless it's the TV guide or the directions on how to play a computer game.
"Her absences are hurting her academically." WHAT? She's been absent 4 days this quarter!
"She has such a hard time writing an essay. She can't seem to think of ideas and was crying the other day in class because she only had two sentences written and couldn't think of anything else." Hmmmm, thanks for that guilt trip. Is it possible this is because she can't pay attention to one task for longer than two point four seconds?

The poor child already does homework for about 45 minutes every night. Granted, it is an assignment that should take her about 10 minutes and she just stretches it out that long by fidgeting, whining, complaining and fussing. But how much is too much...and how much is enough?

NEXT SUBJECT...
Yesterday was the biggest exercise in patience I have experienced in quite a LOoooong Time. I don't remember praying for patience, but apparently someone thought I needed it anyway.
Left the house early. Dropped the kids off early.
Ended up WAITING at DHS for one piece of paper for FORTY minutes.
Rush to the gas station that will accept that little gas voucher I'd been waiting for...only to get trapped by a TRAIN for fifteen minutes.
NOW, I'm really running late. And I detest being late.

So, of course, I have to get behind a huge line of cars and trucks following some rig that can not go ABOVE 50...for THIRTY miles!
Ended up being an hour late for prenatal clinic. Thank heaven the first appointment cancelled.

Heading home...missing my kids. On prenatal days, I only get to see them for one hour before I have to go to class. It's only one day a week.

Car accident. Blocking the intersection where I need to turn and backing up traffic for like 5 miles. Flush another 20 minutes.
Stop to pick up take and bake pizza for dinner. Only one other lady in the shop. Ahead of me, of course. Who wants a stuffed pizza with half red sauce and half white sauce on the bottom AND the top and wants a House specialty EXCEPT she'd like to substitute olives for the onions, extra cheese for part of the mushrooms, chicken for the sausage....and on and on and on.
By the time I picked up the girls, I got to see my kids for all of 10 minutes. #4 cried because I had to leave again. Couldn't miss class - I had a test. AARGH!

Turn in my Mommy license. I keep telling myself it is for a good cause...our future! Or is it to chase my dreams? Which would make me selfish. Which makes me feel guilty and spend some sleepless nights re-examine my motives.
Is this all worth it?
Is the missing them worth the benefit at the end of the rainbow?
I can't be a welfare mom forever - if not now, when?

Hard questions, I know.

OK, almost done. Last subject...GOOD THING!
Came home last night starving. Hadn't had time to eat.
MG brought me Taco Bell! Steak Quesadilla - My FAV!
And flowers!
AND a card! Muuuushy one, too.

I cried.

Another day and Peanut Butter Cookies

It's so weird not to have him here.
But he likes his new job...so that's good.
I respect him for heading out and doing what he needs to do.
And I appreciate him more when he's around.
He's worried that, especially once college classes start up, we'll never see eachother. So I just keep reinforcing that it's only ONE term. Then the schedule will change again.
We are both growing stronger and more independent so we can come together in a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and a new life rather than "baggage" and neediness. We are working together now to make a better future for us and for the kids. Yah, it may be uncomfortable now, but the goal is worth the struggle.
So that's how I feel about that subject anyway.

It all seems so trivial when I read on Kelli's Place about how she has developed some massive infections. She awaits a kidney transplant and, friends, her life is in danger! Her daughter has been posting updates, but she needs prayer...BIGTIME!

I see that Butterfly Kisses is going ahead with Psalm Sunday. I don't know what I have to contribute, but it looks like she will be doing Psalm 45 next week. I think I'll give it a shot.

Stuffy noses. Aargh! Seems it always starts just as school does. First #2, then #4, now #3 and I are feeling scratchy and achy. Rats.

Made PB choc chip cookies today, though. Got done with my "Volunteer Work Experience" a little early today so thought I would bless my family with a sugar high.

Here's the recipe. I found it in a church cookbook. Sometimes those are the BEST sources of "real" food recipes. This one is courtesy of a sweet little lady named Florence.

Irresistible Peanut Butter Cookies
They ARE, too!

¾ cup crunchy peanut butter

1 ¼ cup packed brown sugar
½ cup shortening or margarine

1 TBSP vanilla

1 egg
3 TBSP milk

1 ¾ cup flour
¾ tsp baking soda
¾ tsp salt

Combine peanut butter, shortening or margarine, brown sugar, milk and vanilla until well blended. Add egg; beat until blended. Sift together flour, salt and soda; add to creamed mixture.
Drop by teaspoonfuls 2 inches apart on an ungreased baking sheet. Flatten slightly with fork dipped in sugar (crisscross).
Bake at 375 degrees for 8 minutes or until set and edges are browned. Cool for 2 minutes and remove from pan to cool completely on waxed paper or wire racks.
These are GREAT with 1 cup of chocolate chips stirred in! Yummy!

I always double it. Cuz we eat alot of cookies. :D

OK. I'd better go cook dinner. I feel rather domestic...

Daily stuff

Just a day...like any other day.
Well, except I didn't have anything to do today.

Wierd.

No "Volunteer Work Experience" for DHS.
No birth assisting.
No class or meeting or counseling session (although I did have two yesterday).

And it was a really good thing. Because I was purty much comatose today.
Heard a crash at 11p. Must have been something outside, because I got up and checked the house.
Because it could have been the **GULP** mice, you know.

Had a bad dream at 1a. Woke up screaming and panting because a tidal wave was coming and although I had my arms around three of my kiddos, I could hear one calling me and I couldn't find her.

Went back to sleep at 3. FINALLY.

#4 has a stuffy nose. Ummmm, yah. So she woke me up at 3:27a. I know, cuz I looked at the clock and wondered how long I had actually been asleep.

Then the alarm went off at 6. So I shut it off and went back to sleep till 7.

Needless to say, my nights' sleep leaves much to be desired.
But I shouldn't complain.
After doing prenatals on mommies who can't sleep for their bellies being so huge...
or postnatal checks on mommies who have to breastfeed every two hours, I DEFINITELY feel grateful.

Cuz I have a chance to sleep tonight.

It's kinda weird around her. MG is usually here with me in the evenings. But he went out and got a swing-shift job. SO I'm blogging...because I have no adults to talk to.
It is cool hanging out with the kids. We've read books, played on the computer...
I did the dishes and made a roast with potatoes and carrots and biscuits for dinner.

I should enjoy it while it lasts. Cuz I was making up my schedule for the next month. And a day like this won't happen again till about the 11th of October.

Oh...Did I mention my birthday is coming up soon?
Seems just yesterday I was 40 -

Hmmmm, what to do....
I think I'll go put away some laundry and maybe work on #3's dragon quilt. Then it's back to the grind tomorrow.

Can I share a verse with you?
Found it in my Women's Devotional bible 2 this morning at 2a when I was trying desperately to calm my mind.

"Rest, my Soul, for the Lord has been good to you!" Paraphrase on Psalm 116:7

And He has. Abundantly.

Please pray for my mom. She fell a few days ago and busted her face in the parking lot at Rite Aid. Stitches in her lip. Two black eyes. Banged up swollen knee. Thinks she broke a tooth.
Ask for speedy healing. Doctor says nothing serious; just gonna take some time.

Thanks, my friends.

MG, Might Warrior Fisherman

THE GREAT AMAZING FISHING TRIP

This fishing trip was SO cool. I got a chance to go out in the ocean with my Dad as Captain, My sister as first mate and MG and me as...uhhh, I dunno, Deckhands? Of course, there isn't alot of "deck" to "hand" in a 22 foot boat.

ANYWAY, here's some pictures to share and a fish story!

This one is the view from the beach before we launched into that surf to head out. The day was BEAUTIFUL! It's about 7:30 in the morning.

We "ran" for awhile up next to this cape and the ocean was flat. Just like glass. Looked like you could get out and walk on it.

Here's a picture of the captain just driving along. He is SO in his element here! He would live on the water if he could. He's been doing this for 50 years and he built this boat we are in.

We fished for awhile around in a kelp bed and brought in quite a few bass and a couple of ling cod. Actually, I caught the very first fish and it was a NICE ling cod. So I was all like "Nah, nah, nah, I'm the master fisherman!" MG was starting to think he was never going to hear the end of it. Cuz I'm like that. Sometimes...

OK, no comments about the Johnson.

And here's "the rest of the catch". Sorry these pictures are so small. It was my first attempt at cell phone picture taking.

And here is my handsome guy just after we pulled the crab pots and were heading back toward the beach.

AND HERE is the catch of the day! We were just bobbing around near that rock you see in the background and trying to hook up a few more bass when - all of a sudden....

WHAM!

It hit his little bitty trout pole with 10 lb test line and a BARBLESS hook! He fought it for about 15 minutes. As soon as the fish saw the boat it would TAKE off, peeling line off the reel. He would pull it back in little by little. It jumped and flashed in the sun. WHAT a gorgeous fish. I actually took a picture of the water while he was fighting it because I NEVER in a MILLION years thought he would get that thing in the boat.

BUT here she is. Laying on the floorboards! Right at the last second, the line snapped. The looks on all of our faces was just pure and simple OH CRAP! But Dad had his gaff hook ready and just wildly swung at the stunned fish as it lay near the surface. And he caught it.

When he brought that gorgeous fish up over the side and dropped her on the floor we all just cheered! Could not believe it! My dad said there were just SO many things he could not believe about the way that that fish was caught. It was pretty much a miracle.

The best part about it for me was seeing the look on MG's face. His grin and chuckle, shaking his head and smiling over and over. He was KING FISHERMAN of the day. It was worth it to lose my "crown" of the best fish for the trip just to watch him be so tickled over that fish.

Too much fun!

MG + Me + kiddos = Family

We've been working alot on math at our house.

MG has been taking a Math class, so we work on his homework together every night.

I am registering for college soon and it looks like I'm going to have to take Elementary Algebra 101. To me, that seems like a contradiction in terms..."Elementary" and "Algebra". How many of you took Algebra in Elementary school, hmmmmm?

#2 has math homework every weekend.

And Friday night, we had a special addition ceremony.

MG + Me + kiddos = Family

I made a nice dinner and we all sat down at the table. Which we don't usually do...so the rugrats knew something was up. But they were excited; helped me set the table and place the bowls of food, salt and pepper, condiments. Lit some little floating star candles in a glass bowl.
Pretty HooHah stuff for our redneck family, ya' know!

Anyway, I'll tell you what I served if you PROMISE not to laugh.
Stop laughing.

I haven't even told you yet and I bet you're laughing already. :D

Ok, here goes. I made frozen potstickers, Cheeseburger macaroni Hamburger Helper and Cauliflower with butter.

Told you I was a redneck Woman.

Back to the ceremony thing...

A little history here. The kids (especially the girls) have been asking for about 5 months if they can call MG "Dad". He wasn't real hep on it. Too soon...he wasn't ready...the word "Daddy" doesn't always have a positive connotation in our family. Daddy's hit, daddys say naughty words, Daddys are scary, daddys make Mommy cry.

But Daddys can be wonderful and safe; MG has been doing an awesome job of setting a positive "Daddy" example. He is loving, but firm. I'm proud of him.

So we talked. Decided he REALLY didn't mind it after all; sometimes they slip and call him "Dad" anyway. So I thought we should have a "changing of the guard" ceremony. A "that was then, this is NOW" type of thing.

So I tell the kiddos "I have something to say"...
And they all jump up and say "YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED???"

The next part was slightly anti-climactic.
But I say "Not yet. MG is Divorced and Mom is divorced, but we can't afford to get married just yet. What I want to do is to present an award."
So they are looking at me like I'm nuts. :D

I break out a HappyMeal blow up Pirate sword and get my Prepared Scroll of Sacred Words.
I stand and pronounce...

I promise to love and honor you and respect you always.

I promise to treat you as a husband yet remain your best friend.

And because of the courage you have shown in the face of marauding hordes

of children, I hereby award you with all the rights and responsibilities...

The honorary title of

DADDY.

Yah, then I did that "tap him on the shoulders with the sword" thing. And the kids are HOOTING by this time!

I let them know that they did NOT HAVE to call him Dad; only if they wanted to. And if they got confused between MG and the "other" Dad...we would call their Father "Father" and MG could be "Dad".

Had to get that part all straight you know.

Cuz it's like #2 said a couple of weeks ago...

"MG is SO Much better than our old Dad. He doesn't hurt us."

**GUEST POST** by MG

Guest post by My Guy. He wanted to say something...

Hey, I realize I don't do this much and am not really into the blog thing like Janean is, but I have to say this; For the last 3 days, I've have had this really a**-kicking cold that has just wiped me out! I want you to all know she has been better then a nurse. She had kept me down, giving me good drugs (lol) and has pampered me to get better. She has been so wonderful; as far as I can tell, a man can't ask for anything better!

She has my heart and I love her a lot ~ 'nuff said. MG

Isn't he the Sweetest THING?!?!

My Guy Meme

Saw this meme over at MotoMom's page and thought I'd do it about My Guy!
In honor of Valentine's Day.
Like you guys haven't heard enough about him yet. Sorry...

OK, not really. But, you know, if you're sick of hearing about him just skip on to the next post. I'm just a little obsessed.

Hope he doesn't kill me...

I LOOOOOooooVE you, honey! XXXOOO

His age: "late forties"...VEEEEERRRY Late!
How tall is he: HE says six foot, the doctor's office says 5 ft 9.
How long have you been together: "together" for 10 months.
How long did you know each other before you got together? About 6 months.
What physical features attracted you to him first?: the SMILE with dimples; impish, like he's just about to do something naughty.
Eye color: brown
Hair color: Sandy brown
Hair style: Used to be long, from what he tells me. But I'm his barber now, so it's a 1/2 inch clipper cut. And he looks VERY studly!
Normal Outfit: Tank top and shorts
How did you meet: On MySpace. But if my mother asks you, we met in a check-out line at WalMart, ok?
How serious is it: Ummmmm, Fairly Serious.
Are you "in love": I like to think so. We try to keep it fresh!
Do your parents like him: Yes. They have been hurt very badly by my husbands so they are going to guard their hearts for awhile as they get to know him.
Do his parents like you: I know they would, if they were alive. Cuz I'm all that and a box of chips, you know? NOT!
Do you trust him: Definitely! I trust him with my LIFE!.
Would you share a toothbrush with him: Of course. We have the same mouth germs. Trust me.
Would he let you wear his pants?: He's offered, but I've never taken him up on it.
Do you have a shirt of his that you sleep in? No. I sleep in my old "fat" 3X shirts.
Do you like the way he smells: Oh, yes! Sometimes I just nuzzle my nose into his neck and breathe him in. Yummy!
Can you picture having kids with him: We're raising four together. It's our biggest challenge sometimes.
What bothers you the most about him: Undies on the bathroom floor...need I say more?
Does he have a temper: He gets angry; we all do. But he is never mean and is always open to discussion. And like #2 said today "MG is way better than Daddy; MG doesn't hit us."
Are you happy to be with him: In a way I have never been before.
Does he embarrass you in public: Sometimes...but I get him back! Bwahhaahaaa!
Does he smoke or do drugs? NO WAY. In fact, he rode my hiney until I quit smoking.
Does he have any piercings?: one ear. But he doesn't wear an earring very often.
Any tattoos? a partial. We've been trying to find a design that will cover it up, but it's kinda big. And dark colored.
Does he have any scars that you know of? Oh, goodness! More than I can count! Apparently, he was kind of a rowdy teenager. The most dramatic are on his shoulder and thigh. I won't embarrass him and say what the scars are from. Suffice it to say...he's a lucky boy!
Is he a Party dude or Stay at home?: At this stage of his life, he's definitely stay-at-home. I get the distinct impression he has had his "Party-Dude" days, however.
Is he Outgoing or Shy?: Outgoing! Uh, YAH! I call him a big flirt but the truth is that he makes friends with ANYONE he's sitting next to, no matter how old, young, male, female...doesn't matter to him, he'll talk their leg off AND Make them laugh, to boot!
Does he love his mama?: Touchy subject. He never knew her that well.
Would he hang out with you and YOUR friends?: Are you kidding? He went to a Partylite CANDLE party with me Sunday afternoon and sat with a bunch of ladies sniffing candles just so he COULD BE WITH ME. HOW awesome is THAT?!? He loves my friend T and her guy and he misses Mol, my neighbor who moved last month, just as much as I do.
Sing?: Yes, along with the radio and at church. Not half bad, really.

Just when I thought I'd just have to give up and be alone forever...
Here you are. Sharing my life, making me happy, loving my kids.
I never expected this. I know you didn't, either. We were just gonna be best buddies, remember?
Now we're best buddies...with heart.
I love you, MG.

Happy Valentine's Day, Baby!

Have to go to the....Oh...NO....

I HAVE TO GO TO THE DENTIST AGAIN TOMORROW.

It's a good thing MG drives...or I'd never get there. Pray for me, please, if you have an ounce of pity in your soul.
I WAS going to have an upper one worked on that has been hurting off and on and has a hole down the center bigger than the Grand Canyon.
BUT NOW I'll bet she's going to try to "repair" the root canal (read TORTURE) that broke last week.

Like I said, if MG wasn't driving....

Come to think of it, he may have to carry me to the car, as well.

I'll try not to kick and scream.

Actually, he is SO sweet. He promised to go with me. Then he says "you know, honey, I don't like that dentist. I think she's mean! We need to find you another one."
Isn't that awesome?!?! He hates to see me come staggering out crying and shaking. My hero...wanting to protect me.
I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy. :D

SPEAKING of MG! Maybe you can help us with a problem!
THE fish TANK.
Bought the thing. Bought some books...read them. Let the water sit for a few days. Conditioned it. Did the little dipstick tests. Everything looked good.

So we go buy fish. Nice fish. Docile fish.

Some die...so we replace them. More nice, sweet, docile little fish.

ALL NOW DEAD!

Probably $50 in fish down the toilet. LITERALLY!
Even the Plecostamus died! And those things are hard to kill. The only thing we have living in one shrimp, about 5 snails and possibly a frog. At least we haven't found his body yet.

We've adjusted the Ph...although it still looks on the high side to me (like 8.0). And we had to treat some of them for Ick...they had the white spots and the disappearing fins. But they died anyway.

MG is really discouraged. What the heck are we doing wrong? He is trying so hard. GORGEOUS 30 gallon tank. Under-gravel filter AND a standard filter. One little stalk of bamboo. Two different kinds of food (one for bottom feeders and some flakes). Standard brand. Did a 25% water change and kinda vacuumed the rocks. Put in some drops to clear up the water.

We are just to our wits end. What is killing our fish?

Maybe we OVER-treated. Too many chemicals. I just don't know. HELP!

OK, thanks for letting me vent about the torturist...OOPS, I mean dentist...and our poor, dead fishies.

I feel better now. :D

From Blog Addiction to Chasing Rabbits

I can't believe how addictive this blog stuff is. Especially for a Mommy-of-four who works full time. I hardly have time to call my Real-Life buddy T. Poor MG has to practically follow me around the house or order me to SIT DOWN so he can get some time with me.
That's why it's so cool that I'm able to "check in" with all my Blog-friends while I'm working. It helps to pass the time. And I feel like I KNOW these people. Even though they could be making things up, I guess.

But I don't know why they would. I don't know why anyone would! Real life is WEIRD enough. I tend to trust too often (I think the word is Naive). But they have gone through some of the same stuff I have!! AND worse!! I connect, ya' know.

The list of "My Favorite Bloggers" gets longer every day. But I check in with each one to see if they've got anything new up. Maybe leave a comment or three. :D
And they probably don't even know me from Adam (to coin one of my father's phrases).

And we ALL can tell how JD loves to WRITE! I was looking at my list....something like 70 posts since July. But it sure does help my stress level.

I got MG to read some the other day. It was SO cool. He was having a rough time understanding why I do this. Doesn't care to have his "laundry" aired in public. I can see his point. I really can!

Explained to him I was reasonably careful. And just asked him to READ what I wrote. Just a little. PLEASE.

It's important to me.

And he DID!! It made me happy. Don't know why. Maybe because no other male of the species has ever given me that much consideration.

Maybe just because it showed how much he loves me;that he would be open enough to at least check it out. That he would take the time to look at something I created.

I LOVE him LOTS!

Other things he does to show me he loves me fill my days.

• He's cooking dinner for me tonite. :D And last night, he had a business meeting...and he brought home PIZZA so I didn't have to cook. What a BABE!!
• He is doing his level best to relate to my four gorgeous blessings. He works from home so he is with them more than I am. And they love him TONS. Even though they do say he's MEAN when he doesn't let them have candy before dinner. LOL
• He has decided that a clean kitchen in a priority of his life. I think I've done the dishes ONCE in the last 3 months. How AWESOME is that, huh???
• He tells me everyday how important I am, how wonderful I am, how beautiful I am. MAN! A girl could get a swelled head. I definitely AIN'T all that!

OK, he's not perfect. I will admit that...but I'll trade socks on the floor for a clean kitchen anyday. Wouldn't you?

In other news, I am beginning to doubt my dentist. Like I have a choice with my insurance. There's only ONE dentist I'm allowed to go to within a 50 mile radius of my house. And she can only fit me in once every 3 weeks.

By the time I get to my next appointment (I have one on Wednesday this week) the repair she did the visit before has broken or failed.

Makes me wonder...is it me? Have I ruined my teeth by not taking my vitamins and calcium faithfully after my Gastric Bypass? Is dental work supposed to be so fragile I can't eat Doritos without destroying my upper right molar (WHICH, by the way, I went through hell-on-earth to have a root canal done on and is now BROKEN!) One Dorito! I have no upper teeth on the LEFT side of my mouth, so I HAD to use the right side.

But shouldn't a filling (Root Canal)work like a REAL tooth?

Or am I living in a fantasy world?

And the lower left molar that she was SUPPOSED to have fixed two visits ago hurts like a &*^% AND has a broken edge along the gumline on the inside. I know this because I keep hitting it with my tongue.

I was wondering on the way to work if I could get away with having ALL my teeth just PULLED. Get implants or something. No more pain. No more dental visits.

Sounds like heaven on earth to me!

Anyone want to spot me about $5000 for implants (DENTAL implants)? While you're at it, add another $3000 for Lasik so I don't have to wear these stupid glasses anymore.

And I could use about $1000 for textbooks...

BUT WAIT..I digress. :D

Is "chasing rabbits" allowed in Blog-world?

And how did I get from "Blog friends addiction" to dental work?

The ramblings of a tired mind...Thanks for reading anyway.

Being a hag

Have you ever caught yourself being a hag and didn't know how to stop? It's like you're standing outside yourself saying "WOW, you are SO mean!!" but you keep going because you have to get something done or you have to hurry to get somewhere.

Maybe it's just me.

MG says "Honey, I love you anyway and I'm sorry you have an attitude." And that sets me off MORE..because I DO NOT HAVE AN ATTITUDE, thank you very much. I'm just....I'm just....Ummmm...

OH boy.

Can we say "let's put Mommy in Time out?"

I've been having a challenge with this the last couple of weeks.
Well, that raging thing and then bawling all the time. Cried while watching a rerun of House last night.
**Note...by the way, if you didn't catch it, you missed out, Man! They ran a House marathon for 7 hours on some channel yesterday. I only missed the first one, cuz I had to work. But caught some I hadn't seen! YESSS!**

Anyway, back to the moody thing. MG says he thinks there is "something deeper" going on with me. Like maybe I don't want him anymore?

WHOA!

How could I not want such a wonderful man? See previous posts!

It's not that at all. I can't explain what is wrong with me or why I do this stuff. Am I nuts? Should we call the little men in white coats to come pick me up and take me away giggling?

Am I going off the deep end?

NOPE! Scientific discovery later in the day. It was PMS! Hmmmm...

At least I know I'm not crazy! But I REALLY need to do something about this.

And DON'T say cut down on Caffeine...cuz THAT AIN'T HAPPENIN'!!

I'll go find some St. John's Wort or something so next time MG and my kids won't have to live through my Hagginess.

Here's the funny part. Before I left for work, he goes...

"SOOOOOOoooo, does this mean you're going to be nice now?"

Seriously, was it THAT BAD??

Sniffles and potato salad

Have you noticed that I usually write in Large Bold type (different fonts, but still large and bold). Holy. Moly. Does that mean I'm getting (GULP) Old? Yikes!! Don't you EVEN say it!!

My sweet MG has a cold! He is so stuffy and lays awake at night coughing. Poor Baby Boy! He's trying so hard to finish a commissioned project on time and he can hardly breath. Now here's the kicker...

I AM JUST BLOWN AWAY BY THIS GUY!! Every man I've ever known with the exception of my father is a MAJOR weenie when they are sick. (My Daddy could cut his arm off and he's just say "My, That hurts" and go back to chopping wood or mowing the lawn).
Men tell you OVER AND OVER, ad nauseum, how bad (terrible, crappy, awful, horrible, ill, etc, etc) they feel. One can only say, "I'm so sorry, honey" about 22 times before your voice starts tweaking toward sarcasm and you begin to wish he would hurry up and DIE like he seems to think he's going to. JUST KIDDING, but you know what I mean...Even number one son is that way. It's ok, I know he's just practicing to be a man.

HOWEVER, my wonderful, precious, gorgeous guy DOES NOT DO THIS!! Serious!! Kidd you not! I have to BEG him to tell me how he's doing and he apologizes for waking me up with his coughing. Aaawww!

Yes, he's a man. Very macho. Last night, he told me to soak my feet and he massaged them with lotion. This morning, he made me potato salad...Ladies, let me tell ya', this guy makes KILLER potato salad. OOOhhhh YAAHhhhhh!

And he's home with my kiddos today while I work. Yesterday, he took them to a parade.

All this when he has a cold. Stuffy, flushed, probably running a fever. Trying to meet a deadline.

Tell ya' what! I love this guy! He's my bestest friend. It breaks my heart that he doesn't feel good. But I am SO stinkin' proud of him.
When it turns out your first husband was a rapist and your second husband is a child molester, you start questioning yourself. What kind of decisions am I capable of if I choose men like that? How can I trust myself anymore?
But God steps in and says "Hey, JD! The choices those men made were NOT your fault, girl! Here...I'll give you a guy SO WONDERFUL that you'll know without a doubt that he's a gift from Me!"

Someone I can respect, someone who will lead instead of forcing me into that role, someone who treats me like a princess, someone who will love my children and guide them with care. Even when they do drive him crazy! :D

Thanks, God! I don't deserve any of this...

But thanks!

How is it supposed to be?

http://www.5minutesformom.com/faithlifts/2006/10/20/not-supposed-to/

Hope you all are having a great day so far...even if you are like me and have just gotten up and gotten your coffee. Although I'm at work, I haven't fully awakened yet. I'm on autopilot until about 9 or 10.

I was reading Faith Lifts this morning and clicked on one of the older posts entitled "It's not supposed to be like this!" ooooWOW! Hit me right between the eyes. I think, mainly, because I sometimes have issues with how others view my parenting style.

Last night, I was trying to get the older three ready for a sleepover. I'd been working on it off and on for an hour when, all of a sudden, MG pops up and makes this loud announcement that they'd better all be ready to go!
OK...he was just trying to help. He'd been watching a movie and didn't realize I'd been getting them ready. But what I heard was something like this...

"You suck at parenting and I don't think you can handle getting three kids ready to go in time so I'm taking over."

Needless to say, the ca-ca hit the fan, folks, and the rest of the night went downhill from there. It was supposed to be fun. He was taking me out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. We still ended up going out, but it wasn't the same.

One thing he said really hit me. I told him that whenever he talks to them, he sounds mean...kinda gruff...and that I'd like him to try to be nicer. He says "Sometimes, you're meaner than I am."

OUCH.

He's right. Sometimes I am not nice to my kids. I would never even THINK of talking to another adult the way I talk to them sometimes. But you know what, I am SO much better now than I used to be. When my ex and I were together, I had to keep them quiet and in-line for fear that they might do something to piss him off. So as a result, I rode their butts like nobodies business and yelled alot.
After he was gone, I realized how much more peaceful and relaxed it was. And I liked it. So I tried to keep it that way and kinda swung some the other way, letting the kids do pretty much anything as long as no one got hurt.

You think YOUR house is a mess. During that year, I had a Habitrail house.
You know what I'm talking about...trails through the piles.

I think right now I'm coming back to center and balancing out. Got some stuff under control but still taking things a little easier and trying to enjoy the small "ohWOW" things when I can.

But it seems I still have my moments. And God used MG to pop it up in my face.
Another "turn in my Mommy license" moment narrowly averted. I love those kids more than life. I need to remember that instead of getting exhausted and stressed and treating them like an irritant instead of like the precious jewels they are.

If you've got a second, click on the link at the top and read MaryBeths' post. And maybe some of the other ones, if you have time. Each one has something important to say and you never know when God is going to whisper in your ear...

Passions, Priorities and Gettin' Right...

**Disclaimer...there is NO humor in this post whatsoever. Sorry. Just some upside-my-head reality checks I've gone through this morning. Hope you'll read it, anyway.**

First of all, let me start by saying I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I coughed all night and am so tired I can't BELIEVE I'm at work! SO wish I was home in bed. Please keep me in your prayers. I don't mind being sick really; it's just that I don't like the way I am toward others when I don't feel good. I'm cranky; Poor people.
Should hang a sign around my neck "Beware, cranky ill woman. Do not engage in conversation."

Moving on...found a new friend in Blog-world. Karla at "To Reflect His Glory" is following a study from another site and she asked "What are your passions? Where is your heart? What do you feel strongly about?"

And she actually wanted an answer...

So I've been thinking about it. And I know what the "pat" answers are. But I also want to be honest.
I SHOULD say "Christ"! I wish He was my priority, my passion; I wish I thought of Him before I thought of anything else. But the reality is...He's usually the last resort. That being said...

What are my passions? Hmmmm...OK, here they are in no particular order.

• My Children. I have given up my husband, my home, and my health to keep them safe. I'm NOT saying that to brag...I'm telling you that to let you know how VERY important they are to me. Having to work 40+ hours a week to support them while someone else raises them is the most painful aspect of my life right now and I war with myself constantly about what is best for them. (**Prayers PLEASE**)
• My family. I have three younger sisters, their children, Mom and Dad, three aunts, one uncle and three cousins. Not a HUGE family, but they are so important to me. When crisis occurs, we bond like glue! And I LIVE for the holidays when we can all be together.
• My Guy. He tries SO hard to take care of me. I'm not used to that (no one has ever tried to take care of ME before except my Mom) so it's not an easy job for him. It is so wonderful to have someone in my life that loves the Lord! I'm not used to that either.
• Service. Doing for others without having an attitude or expecting recognition. I strive for that...but, unfortunately, I don't always succeed. My dream falls into this catagory - Midwifery. Serving women and their families as they bring a new little one into this world. I am not of the Militant-Midwife mindset (e.g. all doctors are bad, hospitals are horrible). After all, I had 3 of mine in hospitals! BUT, if someone can have their baby at home and I can be with them through the entire process, helping, holding, encouraging, walking...what ultimate service! WOW! I am SO excited! I am praying that God will guide me through this and give me the proper heart attitude.

That's about it. There are lots of things I like to do...quilting, baking, swinging; and some things I LOVE to do...sing, blog, read. But I've discovered that you can lose everything material and still be happy because you have people in this life and a God who LOVE YOU. That's all that matters.

OOoo Oooo...guess what! I got the enrollment papers for my midwifery course! It is SO scary looking! Huge outline and all these books to read and review. TESTS! Practical skills...Oh my goodness! I'm really going to have to be self motivated to do well on this. WOW. I'm excited and terrified all at once.

Spur of the moment last night, I called the neighbor girl over to see if she would babysit. It worked out so MG and I went out for Chinese food and walked around Wally World for awhile.

During dinner, he was telling me about how he wants to find a fishing/hunting buddy here locally; someone he can take off with several times a week and visit with while they drown worms. He has some friends he hunts with some...but they live far away. It's kinda hard to hook up and just go fishin' of a mornin' when you live an hour apart and you work different hours.

ANYWAY, I found myself getting jealous! HOW dumb! I don't want to be that way...possessive, clingy, petty. I want him to have friends...I have friends. Not that I get to see them much. But I was JEALOUS. Uuuugghh!

Then I started looking at the entire situation and got a reality check. I'm jealous of ALOT of things! I'm jealous he gets to spend more time with my kids than I do. I'm jealous that he gets to work doing what he LOVES to do.

I'm sorry, Lord. Here I am being a rotten kid again. Maybe I've just got PMS...Maybe I'm just tired...Maybe I've got a cold. But that's NO excuse to be so out-of-line with what The Father wants my attitude to be. No excuses. There are SO many things to be grateful for.

"Change my heart, O God. Make it ever true. Change my heart, O God. May I be like You..."

Aaarrggh! Cough...cough...

YUP! I'm sick. Yukko!

Woke up this morning barkin' like a seal and once my voice showed up, I sounded like a 90-year-old chain-smoker.

At least that's what I thought I sounded like. My guy thought it sounded "Sexy". I think he was just trying to be sweet.

He took me out to breakfast and then brought me home and put me to bed. He laid down and wrapped his arms around me; stroking my hair until I fell asleep. Which didn't take long, cuz' anymore, I fall asleep if I sit down for 5 minutes.

He babysat my youngest until I woke up. I really am grateful for him. Don't know how I would survive without him sometimes! He is just amazing. I'm a lucky lady to have him in my life.

He wanted me to call in sick...but I couldn't. I have to be unable to sit upright in order to do that. Mainly because I know that most of the people on my team at work are sick, too. (Gee, I wonder where I caught this?) And pulling an extra shift when you wonder how you are going to pull your own is the PITTS!

Even though My First Thursday Thirteen is about all the jobs I've had (and that wasn't ALL of them) I actually do have a very strong work ethic.
Or MAYBE it's my Type A controlling personality thinking that they JUST CAN'T survive without me! (Not!) I don't know.

O.K...thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now..well, a little anyway!

Here's hoping your day was wonderful and that tomorrow is EVEN better! God bless...

Light His Fire...

Have you ever re-read a book that you've read before because you felt you needed the information?

I read alot...mainly midwifery textbooks, but sometimes I read true crime or self help stuff. Have been known to read a Danielle Steele novel and some humorous writers like Patrick McManus or Robert Fulghum. And I definitely should read my Bible more. (Sorry, God!)

As you can tell, I'm not into fiction much.
Got into the garage last night trying to find some quilting books (just moved recently and haven't unpacked everything...yet. Maybe I won't). Anyway, I found a book that I haven't read in AGES, which is probably partially why my marriage broke up.

It's called "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kreidman. I highly recommend it! I guess she used to do seminars on this stuff (yes, she did a "Light Her Fire" too). So the books come packed with lots of great "Hey, this really worked for me!" stories.

Thought I might use some of her subject matter in my blogs as I re-read this. Mainly because this stuff is important! I'm SERIOUS!

I must admit, often I feel like an idiot as I read it. I know this...it's common sense. It's the golden rule, for Petes' sake! But then why, OH WHY, don't I do it?

I don't know, either.

BUT the FUN part is trying the "Action Assignments" at the end of the chapters.

**BIG GRIN**

The first chapter is on appreciating your guy. One sentence in there was in bold...so I assume it's really important. See if you agree...

"Men fall in love because of the way THEY feel about THEMSELVES when they are with you!"

Big key here!! Make him feel good about himself and he will follow you like a puppy begging for more. It kinda makes men sound self-centered and simple. But hey! If it works, it works!

One point the chapter made (that I've learned the hard way) is that women go into a relationship saying "WOW, he's got SUCH potential. Just wait till I change this and this and he'll be JUST awesome. You won't even recognize him!" While MEN, on the other hand, go into a relationship saying "WOW, when I'm with her, I feel like a KING! I hope she NEVER changes. I always want to feel this way."

MG is always, always asking me not to ever change. He is really honest and upfront about how every relationship he's had has changed...and NEVER for the better. I'm not into change much myself, but I AM into moving forward; growing and learning together is essential. And I think there are certain things that couples need to work out. Not necessarily "change"...but if he could just STOP Leaving the kitchen sponge in the bottom of the sink! Aaaarggh!

Now what do you think? Should I just be grateful he does the dishes (and cooks and sweeps/mops the kitchen and...) and pick the sponge out from under whatever is in the sink myself? Or should I ask him AGAIN not to leave it in the sink because it drives me crazy?

I've made a vow with this relationship not to take him for granted ever. Yeah, sometimes I get tired of saying "Thanks" every day for what he does (especially when no one EVER thanked me for doing it when I was a stay-at-home-Mom!) But for JUST that reason and because my ex has told me that he felt totally inadequate in our relationship, I do it whether I am tired of it or not.

Because you just need to hear it sometimes, ya' know?

And it's like Ms. Kreidman pointed out in this chapter...if YOU don't make him feel "manly", King of the house, attractive, appreciated, etc. you can COUNT on the fact that some other chick WILL. YIKES. And as much as you have "speed bumps" in your relationship, you SURE would hate to lose him! Good guys are HARD to find. Trust me on this.

Been shoppin' for the last year. What's on the market when your almost 40 is REALLY SCARY!

And the rewards of making him feel good about himself? Try it and see. It may take a little time...but he'll notice. And respond. And you'll be happy with the response. WoooHoooo!

Ok, ok...back to the "action assignments". Try these this week...
A) Tell my mate how glad I am that he is part of my life and how lucky I am to have him!
B) Tell my mate that I love him just the way he is and that I wouldn't trade him for any other man in the world.
(Tip - if he says "Oh, yeah? What about Brad Pitt?" DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRICK! You should say "Are you kidding? He doesn't hold a candle to you, baby!" It's kinda like when we ask them if we look fat in that dress...we both know their lying but it makes us feel good.)

I know when I do the above two things to MG, he gets this goofy smile on his face and his eyes twinkle. He says "I don't see it, but I'm glad you think so!" I can tell he loves it! Just eats that up!

Just a cute sidenote on this subject...when we were first dating and we would go shopping or out somewhere, he would wrap his arm around my waist, pull me up close and kiss me very firmly. I told him that I REALLY liked that. It made me feel feminine and made me feel like he was proud to be with me, that he wanted other guys to know I was "his". Told him that it gave me butterflies in my tummy. (I wasn't lying either!)
So guess what? Friday we went shopping (which is a B I G undertaking with 4 kids) and he kissed me in Grocery Outlet NO LESS than 10 times. Me like it!! WOW! Told him he makes me weak in the knees. You should have seen the little-boy grin on his face.

I like making him feel good about himself.

And I've noticed when I do it to HIM, he does it back. Last night, he told me several times how sexy I was. **BIG SMILE**BATS EYELASHES**

Sometimes, I know, it seems like alot of work. But if I want to make it with MG, the work's gotta be done!

I must admit the REWARDS are awesome. **wink, wink**