Things I have noticed...

Judge me not, people.  But here's some things I have noticed in the last few weeks of being the lone parent of a teenage crew.

They eat ALOT.  I work till 6p, cook dinner, do dishes and I notice that the majority of these dishes did not come from dinner.  I think they are eating in the middle of the night.  Seriously!

I must pick my battles.  I don't have the energy for every battle.  We have a chore chart on the wall - they only have one a day.  I am extremely lucky and blessed when, by means of extreme nagging, I actually get them to do their chore.  Most of the time - I must confess - I don't bother with the nagging and I just do it myself.  Call me a bad parent.  Tell me to stop whining if I'm not going to make them do what they are supposed to do to help me.  It's ok, that's what people in the "real" world are saying.

Why, oh WHY, are they so uptight?  The drunk ex is gone although he's still moving his stuff out of the garage.  I always come home sometime between 5 and 7.  I ALWAYS cook dinner and keep the dishes up.  I always answer them when they ask me a question, although, granted, there have been times I have answered and don't remember doing so because I was asleep.  But still they are as stressed as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs during a rock-a-thon.  SIGH.  Maybe it will get better soon.  

(and yes, I do take them to counseling)

I am lonely.  In a fit of idiocy, I have looked on Craigslist once (ok, maybe twice).  They all want skinny ("fit") young chicks and 98% of them that are posting and are my age....are short.  -er than me...Not that I am superficial, but most of them ARE.  So I'm just leaving that alone.  God will just have to plop someone in my lap if He wants me to have a relationship.  Because I am just so done with the games.

The world has an alarming shortage of synthetic B12 injectable solution.  I need some.  If I don't have B12 shots once a month, I am mean, tired, I can't think and my mouth feels like it's on fire all the time.  And it gets progressively worse.  And worse.  I have been ordering it at my pharmacy with a prescription - this last order has been on back order for TWO months.  When they have to haul me away with pernicious-anemia-induced psychosis, my kids are going to need someone to take care of them.  Just sayin'...

Because I work, clean, cook, manage children with anxiety, mental illness, ADHD, PTSD, OCD and depression...and sometimes sleep...I tend to not give a crap what I look like.  If it wasn't for my job, I would probably just live in sweat pants.  

Fish die...alot.  #4 just spent a fair chunk of change on fish a month ago for her birthday and...well, pretty much all dead.  

I am tired of fleas!  and sugar ants!  and mold.  Yet no money or energy to fight them.  Where do you a put a  30 gal fish tank and a crested gecko if you are going to set off a flea bomb?  and you work full time.  And you have a mentally-ill child who stays home alone...all day....every day...

And I am tired of my estranged husband posting pictures of his new girlfriend's honey-do projects on his Facebook page.  Yet I am too morbidly curious to block him.  

Yah, I'm a mess.  But a philosophical mess.  It'll get better...in time.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Then again, I guess it is my blog, huh?  

GOOD MORNING

So it's six-a-blinkin-thirty in the morning on a monday and what am I doing here??  Asking if anyone wants a dapple dachsund...Cuz my brain is now full of evil torturous things I would like to do to him after he whined ALL night.  I'm surprised he didn't lose his voice! I know I would have!!

Up to get my beautiful crew off to a school they abhor.  Then I need to do dishes that have stacked up over the weekend...then, Who Knows, I may go back to bed!!

Cuz I'm single and free and I can DO THAT.  :D

Unless I get called for a birth...
or the neighbor needs help...
or a kid has a crisis...
or I think of some appt. I forgot...
or I find a NICE family I can pawn off a stupid dachsund on...

JUST SAYIN'...

It's been a busy morning...

I've been having the "urge" to write again. 
I don't know why...
Maybe someone to talk to.
There are people all around me every day - But keeping up appearances is important when one owns one's own business.  And there is the fact that roughly half of the people I spend my time with are under 18. 
I am SO very lucky in that I have some amazing wonderful friends.
AND I have a cell phone with unlimited texting.
Which allows for a brain dump as long as it is in short spurts.
However, there are some things that one cannot explain in 160 characters or less...
Things that one cannot express with "LOL, brb, ttyl and dk".
Things like a smile...
the smell of warm skin...
the aroma of coffee...
the twinkle in an eye across the table. 

So because I write fairly well, maybe I can visit here on a semi-regular basis and bounce some things off you...a few creative juices flowing.  And hopefully together I can use those gifts to share a piecce or two of myself...even if I cannot give those same pieces to the man I care about. 
God bless - Good to see you.  HUGS

It was a very good day...

Some days are better than others.

We all know that...and today was a good one. Sitting down to a big Easter Table with my family and two dear friends to a meal prepared by all of the adults and some of the kids was a warm experience.

Praying with friends and thanking God for His blessings is an incredible experience when you mean what you say.

Number four says after dinner..."Mom, I have a tummy ache and I know why. My food pocket is full and the food is moving down to my poop zone." OH my...OK, I'm taking anatomy class and, so far at least, there is no organ called "food pocket" and/or "poop zone".

She cracks me up every day!

Had a mama in labor today...but she lives an hour and 15 minutes away. As I am using my friend's car right now (mine was destroyed in an accident last weekend), I couldn't justify going that far or using that much gas when Mentor already had another apprentice there. I had to say no. That is SO hard! I want to get my 25 catches in so I can get my licensure.

Although I don't know why... Insurance reimbursement is a big plus. As is carrying oxygen and drugs legally. So is the respect. The satisfaction of knowing I did what I set out to do.

I like where I'm at right now...But I definitely need to get a handle on the schoolwork. Only one more term to graduate and I HAVE to get a C in both classes. I have to...That's all there is to it. I want to be done.

Off to serve the desserts I made...marbled cheesecake, pumpkin pie, pumpkin roll. And a left over ice cream cake rescued a couple days ago when my freezer gave up the ghost.

Yummmmm...and happy, blessed Easter to all!!

Mama Chocolate ROCKS!!

A friend launched her new blog this weekend! She's giving away an Artisan Bread Cookbook to celebrate. Run on over and check out Johanna's page at Mama Chocolate! She is a sweet lady and her blog is beautiful.

Life is plugging along as usual at Casa De Douglass. I'm a little stressed by college coursework, but it should slack off soon. Have a few Mama/Babies due this next month so I'm very excited about that. :D
Kids are all healthy and enjoying their summer. Peace reigneth for the moment.
I'll write more later this week when I don't have several assignments due...till then, peace to you all.

Life as I know it...

Just got back from a long rescue. Poor lady had a blood sugar of 18 (yes, that is one-eight, eighteen) when we arrived on scene. Went down to 17 before the paramedics, intermediate and RN on our team could find an IV site. She looked like a pin cushion but we got the D50 in and she popped right around. WHEW! It was my first diabetic call so a real learning experience!!

Had fun myself with blood sugar last night. Went down to 50. Doesn't compare to 18 by any means, but still felt yuk! My poor honey was freaking out. I kept telling him, hey, it happens every once in awhile. I think my pancreas is beginning to short out. Maybe a harbinger of things to come. Only time will tell. Had some protein and OJ and felt better after an hour or so.

Trying to work on my homework, but not making much progress. Have a big class load for me this term. Chemistry 110, Women's Health issues, Human Sexuality, Child Abuse and Neglect and Parenting. Took a class on herbs one saturday, too. That was very interesting! Fifteen credits has been keeping me hopping, but doing well...so far. Knock on wood.

Kids are well, my honey brings peace and happiness to our home and he takes such good care of us all. I could definitely get used to being treated like a princess. :D

Three things...

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

Hmmm, point taken. Got some good advice from my counselor yesterday. She advised me to just concentrate on three things for the next four days.
A) School work
B) My kids
C) Sleeping

So far, I've done pretty well. I even took her advice to heart during my root canal this morning. Slept through it. THANK YOU GOD for Nitrous Oxide.
I DO think I might have taken it a little far when I slept through part of Algebra class however. Oh...and sleeping for ten minutes in the car while picking up a friend from work.

Gonna have to work on that.

OFF to struggle through my philosophy of Religion homework.... SIGH

OH....NO....

Ummm...
Was just making hamburger helper - browned the two pounds of burger and got the grease drained.
Start dumping in water and milk...
Then discovered it was NOT hamburger helper -

it was TUNA helper!

Will burger work in Tuna helper??

Guess we'll see...

Shhhhhhh Don't tell the kids

No more papers...No more books...

OK, OK...a FEW more books.

I'm DONE with my EMT Intermediate class! You all don't KNOW how happy that makes me.
It is my only night class and for the last five months, it has taken every Tuesday and Thursday night and every other Saturday, as well, for labs.

Tonight we took the final. I have all my projects in. We'll get our grades tomorrow. I'm 99.9 percent sure I got at least a B.

Now, I just have to pass the State Certification Boards and I will be licensed. Thursday the 7th and Saturday the 16th. But for now...

Time to rest. Time to catch up on my other classes. Time to spend with my kids in the evening.

time to sit around in front of this computer after they go to bed and be so lonely, I just sit here and bawl.

I'm doing some ride along time on an ambulance tomorrow. Should be interesting and fun.
Went to Fire Drill last night. It was on "radio communications" and the man teaching went over a 911 call with all the radio traffic. The incident was last summer. One of the men on his logging crew died.

By the time the CD of the call was over, I was physically shaking from frustration. Move FASTER, do SOMETHING, why are you TAKING so long?, Why are you arguing over the LZ for the helicopter? I practically had high blood pressure after an hour of just listening to it.
WOW.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE God don't ever let me do that. I only want to help.

Supposed to hear back from State Police about the dispatch job either tomorrow of first of next week. I don't think I made the cut, but that's ok. God's plans are bigger than my plans.

I am tired of the emotional mood swings I am having. Talked to my dr. today about weaning off of the medications I am taking. So we're gonna start the slide down.
Keep me in your prayers, please. Some of them have some wicked side effects and withdrawal. But I am SO TIRED of not being me.

I am really sleepy tonight, so I've got to go hit the hay. But I do want to remind myself to tell you the latest number 4 funny about a "spider giving birth". It's a good one!!

Randomalities

Dropped numbers 2 and 3 off at the local pool and number four and I went shopping, running errands, just generally having some "girl time".
When we went to pick them up, they were all SWEET and KIND. Let #4 sit in the FRONT. Held the car door for her.
All of a sudden she stops, plants her hands on her hips and announces "WHO are YOU and what have you DONE with #2?!??"

TOO funny. But she's right. It was WAaaaay out of character for those middle two!

--------------------------------------------------
Did I somehow forget to mention that I got a ticket.
Speeding ticket.
STOP LAUGHING!! We're going to just work off the assumption that I'm a law abiding citizen.

except for That OoooooNNNNNEEE little thing.
Pedis Leadis.

Of course, I got nailed on the OTHER side of the state. Argh!
By a state police trooper when I had an interview with the State police TODAY.
Dern.
Like I can afford that! Where's that rubber wall when I need something to bang my head against.

-------------------------------------------------------------
#4 again. "Mom, I gotta go potty"

"Uhhh, MOM, I gotta go POTTY!!"

Five more minutes dear.

5 minutes go by.

"Hmmm, Mom, did you know you just drove down an exit?"

No, Squirt!! Are you SERIOUS?!?! I didn't know! AH CRUD...What am I gonna do NOW.
of course I knew. It was potty time. But just the way she said it...Guess you had to be there.

----------------------------------------------------------
#3 comes out for a hug while LB and I are walking the dogs. BIG squeeze.

She heads back toward the house and then turns.
Points her head at my Love and says...

"You know, if you and my mom ever break up, you ain't NEVER gonna find ANYONE like her. All the others will just drink and drink and drink and drink and drink. They'll be NO good for ya'!"

Well...that was totally random! But she got it off her chest...

Gotta go to bed, friends. Catch ya' Manana

How things are going

I don't know what's up with the State Poe-lees. They seem to do alot of normal stuff that the rest of us do during the week...over the weekend.

They called on Saturday and wanted to know if I could come in for testing Sunday or Monday.

So I chose Sunday after church. I SHOULD have asked how long it would take. The typing part went well. Except for the fact that the computer ate my first test so I had to do another. Scored 68 WPM with 2 mistakes.

Then I did a test for Emergency Dispatch aptitude. After an hour and 40 minutes, my brain was a smouldering little lump atop my spinal column.

HOLY COW!

Spelling, prioritization, memorization, summarization, Data entry, multi-tasking. WOW. The worst part for me was the part where they would reel off a string of numbers AND Letters combined, then say NOW and you could type. So you had to remember them for a couple seconds.
I'm FORTY TWO! With four kids...and I can't remember THEIR names half the time. I thought my mother was mentally handicapped when I was a child...after all, she's the one that THOUGHT up these names and now she can't remember who we are? The string of names she tried always ended with "WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS...GET OVER HERE!"

I've done it. It's scary.

Anyway, I chaseth rabbits. I only got three out of ten on that section, but made a 90 % overall. Whew!
I hope that's good.

The supervisor scheduled me for an interview right there. Go back in on Monday the sixth.

We'll just see what God has planned!

Weekend Happenings!

The van died.

Was gettin gas the other day...so turned it off at the pumps. And it wouldn't start again. I had power to other things, like the dome light and the headlights, but no ignition. Hmmmm. So like a big mechanic girl, I call LB. "HEELLLPP ME!!"

No...seriously...actually I was very calm about the whole thing.
I've never had to deal with fuses before, but figured that is probably what it was. So I got a fuse. (Thank GOD they are cheap because I am broker than broke. I'm using dishwasher soap to do necessary laundry, for goodness sake!) And HEY, when I put the new fuse it, it started.
COOOL!

So I head off to go get the kids. Pick them up. Go home. Do my thang. In the morning, I take off to take them to school. HOLY MOLY, it shuts off at 60mph goin down the highway. Well, that is definitely an adrenaline rush, because when the power is off, the power brakes and power steering don't work all that well.
I'm just sayin'.... you know!

SO I tried another fuse. And it started again. Hmmmm, starting to see a pattern here.
Make it almost to the drive at the school and CLICK...
Dead again.

This time, no amount of fuse switching or tire kicking or wire wiggling or bawling was going to make a difference. The principal helped me push it off the road. I caught a ride home and cried.
THen I worked on my homework...and cried.
Then I called a couple people to try to set up rides to school and appointments...and cried.
Made dinner...and cried.

LB came over after work LATE Friday night. I had Lab on Saturday. Caught a ride with another student and spent the morning going over MegaCodes and stabbing people with 20 gauge needles. And getting stabbed. Spent the afternoon trying to remember the dosages of 20+ medications that are in the EMT Intermediate "Scope of Practice". My brain hurt.

LB spent the morning "motivating" the children to clean house. Then he spent the afternoon trying to figure out WHAT in the WORLD was wrong with the van!

Then we had a BDParty for the number One Dude! WOW...he's 15. Can't believe it!
Anyway, then LB and I went to visit his son in the Big Big city and got home about 2am.
He made me breakfast. I got sick. Not from the breakfast...OK?
Too much sugar and not enough sleep.
Then we went back down and worked on the van again...cuz it's still at the kids' school, ya' know.
We tossed around ideas. Peered into corners. Perused manuals and schematics. And JUST as we were about to give up? BINGO! LB finds a crumbling wire back behind the battery.
He says it was God. I said YES, but GOD used YOU! He said it was MY idea that made him look back there.

So we agreed to just praise God together and WOW are we!?! The entire repair cost about a dollar fifty. AND a batch of cookies to the man who let us borrow his multimeter.
It's not a permanent fix...but should last until I can make other arrangements. Everytime I start the van - I smile! And thank God!

And miss my sweet LB more and more every day....

Got this great list on an email...

You've probably seen this list before. If you have a few email friends. I've gotten it several times, but it was a forward, you know. And I don't always read those...especially if they are long. I'm sorry. Hope ya'll will forgive me.

But tonight I took the time to read this one. And I had to throw a few of my own comments in. Cuz I have this condition that doesn't allow me to keep my mouth shut. Not quite Turrets' syndrome...but may be working that way.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
doesn't mean they do love each other.
Have you ever hung around with a couple that just BICKERS all the time. And you wonder "What in the HECK is up with THIS?!?" I discovered that SOME people LIKE it. That's the way they relate to eachother. Of course, I am definitely NOT in this catagory. I know that arguments happen. But constantly? Ummmm, NO.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
You know what? I can't change friends. I only have a couple. And the ones I DO have know too much. I'd have to kill them if I decided I didn't want to have them as a friend any more.
I'm just sayin'...

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
EVERYBODY hurts you. Not just friends. Kids. Parents. Coworkers. Neighbors. If we don't forgive them? We only hurt ourselves. Grudges get heavy after awhile and the reality is that 99% of the time...they don't even realize what they've done.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
Maybe...maybe not. You'll have to pardon me if I disagree with this one. People are people. They get too busy. They move on and leave you behind. And "true loves?" most of them cave under temptation. Therewith, comes the end. True love or no... Distance or no...
I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
Never done this myself. But I know many people for whom this is true. I've decided to let God carry my "heartaches". His shoulders are bigger than mine. And then I pray every day that He will cause me to keep the lessons learned sharp in my brain so that I won't screw up again.
I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I wouldn't know...I'm not there yet. May not EVER get there. May just have to be happy with who I am.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
This one...hits me where I live. I've seen some cruddy stuff in this life. Watched one friend end his life with the words "God D$#% It all!" The last words I ever said to my ex's face were "Drive careful". I've made a change in the last few years...to make this belief my MANTRA. Want to make sure everyone who is important to me KNOWS it. Without a doubt. 100%! So I tell them and show them and hug them and tell them again until they are sick of hearing it.
I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
WHHHHHOOOOAAH YES! There have been many days when the sun rose and set...even though my brain never did.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
Trying to teach my kids this. Just because we feel like crud doesn't mean you have the right to make others feel like crud. No excuses...
I Believe....
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I can't control my attitude sometimes. I just have to give myself a time out or shove it down.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
That's why my son is my hero. For telling the "secret" when he knew it would be the end of our family. Why my Loverboy is my hero. For keeping his dad home with him instead of sending him to a nursing home even though watching the decline is more painful than I can imagine.
I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
OK...but can I at least TRY?!?!
I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.
Isn't that what "best friends" are about? I've also discovered that "best friends" should not keep score...of how often I have gone to YOUR house and YOU never come to MINE; of who owes who $20...to me, the friendship is worth millions more than 20 measly dollars. If I couldn't afford to give it, I wouldn't give it.
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you When you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
Can't vouch for this one. Because it's usually the ones who LOVE me that I expect to pick me up...WHO KICK ME! And I wonder what in the world happened, I thought I knew you and who is this person anyway?
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
Another one I'm trying to teach my kiddos. Bible verse says "Be angry but don't SIN." (Eph 4:26) Kind of a hard concept to get across to miniature me's - who have a hard time controlling their mouths.
I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them.....and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
YES! in many ways sometimes I think my Number One Son is more mature than I am. Although I do pretend very well.
I Believe...
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
All you can do...is all you can do. And all you can do is enough. As long as you do what you can do...say sorry, make amends, give a hug, ask for forgiveness...then it's up to the other person to do their part in the forgiving. And if they can't or won't or don't? You can't make them. So you have to let it go. And when they have forgiven you? They don't WANT YOU TO HANG ON TO IT AND TORTURE YOURSELF FOREVER. God doesn't want you to do that either. Your parents don't want you to. Your kids don't want you to. But you are the only one who can CUT IT LOOSE. Ain't no one who can do it for you...
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
Remember that Carpenters song? "Why does my heart go on beating, why do these eyes of mine cry? Don't they know, it's the end of the world? It ended when you said goodbye." Used to have that album. Wish I still did. Have that song memorized though. Like I said before (up above here...uhhh, somewhere) Life doesn't stop just because you want it to.
I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
Making the proper choices...or correcting ourselves when we make IMPROPER choices. But the reality is that sometimes, you just can't recover. So you choose a different path...a modified path. And try to make the best of THAT situation. Which reminds me of a song...
I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.
And that sometimes...you HAVE to know the secret, even if you don't want to.
I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
Try having a traffic accident and asking the witnesses to recall what they saw. We each view thing from our own perspective. And sometimes we only see what we WANT to see...see?
I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
Uhhhh, YAH!?! Try getting my insurance to cover a hernia repair. One minute I think AWESOME, I'm gonna get this thing closed up over Christmas break. By that afternoon, I'm starting to realize that I may have to walk around with my guts on the OUTSIDE of my abdominal muscles for several months yet.
I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, if a friend cries out to you........you will find the strength to help.
And no matter how tired you are, you can always wake up to help your child. Even if part of you does want to strangle them.
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
YAH! just look at me! I've got TWO certificates on my wall now and I ain't decent at all! he he

thanks for listening to my diatribe. Needed to brain dump tonight.

weird lonely day

Tried some different things today.

Went ALL day without my glasses. So you must excuse any spelling errors as the blurry vision of an old lady. SERIOUSLY, I'm not all that bad. In fact the eye doc says my eyes get better every two years when I have a checkup. Go figure! I wish everything else in my life worked that way!

Sewed all day. Except for three computer breaks and the time I spent torturing the little dog by picking fleas off her and trimming her nails. Am making Christmas gifts for Loverboy, my mother and a girlfriend. Mainly because I can't afford to go buy much.
**Loverboy, if you are reading this...NO I'M NOT TELLING!**

Drank my prerequisite pot of coffee. Then had a beer. Just one beer. That's all. Am I going to hell now? OK, OK, pardon the sarcasm. Been having an issue with some older ladies lately who feel I am morally reprehensible.

Yah.

I've remembered to water the Christmas tree for 4 days in a ROW! Usually I forget by now and then the pores seal up or something and it can't drink anymore, so it starts shedding needles like Don King on Chemo.

Chronicles of Narnia was on TV. That was cool...but it was better seeing it in the theatre. Too bad that is so dern expensive.

Have gone two weeks without seeing Loverboy. It hurts REALLY REALLY bad. But his daddy is sick. And Dad takes priority! I am NOT joking or teasing. I would feel HORRIBLE if something happened to Dad while LB was here with me.
I SO want to be with him for Christmas. Does that mean that I pack up the kids, the dog, and the presents and trek over there (5 hrs one way)? Or should I stay home and cry all day and make things easier on everyone? After all, they are starting to get used to me crying. Kind of a shocker when they don't even ask you what's wrong anymore.

I'm just saying...

Supposed to start college on the 5th. Which means I have three weeks to have major abdominal surgery AND recover sufficiently.
RIGHT!

I'm just in a major snarky, cranky, lonely, poopy, mood tonight.
Guess I'll go make some coffee and read my new Today's Christian Woman Magazine. That'll cheer me up for sure.

Peace.

I just DON'T understand...

I write some on the blog at my MySpace page, too. And I have kind of a little series going there with just random posts every once in awhile on subjects like "I don't understand why..." or "I'd really like to know..." or "Have you ever..."

Part of being of the female persuasion blesses me with the ability to talk (or in this case, write) in order to "discover" the answers to my own questions.

If you are female, you will understand this. If you are male, it's alright (pat, pat) don't worry about it, dear. Isn't there any football on television?

I don't mean to be condescending, but men are hardwired to go into "rescue" or "helper" mode when presented with a challenge. They think we are talking to them in order for them to come up with an answer or "fix our problem".
In reality, us ladies basically just "think out loud." If men just sit there and nod, eventually the girl talking to him will come up with her OWN answers and he will look all wise and helpful for just sitting there, listening and NOT falling asleep.

It's a hard job...listening to us and looking interested.

ANYWAY, Back to my original plan here..
Here are a few things I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!

For instance, I do NOT understand why the State Health Insurance provider will not cover my hernia repair. They covered the tubal ligation that I was originally supposed to have and the six months of wound care that ensued. They will cover it if I cut my finger while slicing a bagel in my kitchen. However, when I have four (yes, count them...F-O-U-R) holes in my abdominal muscles that allow my guts to migrate to places they were never meant to visit, the Good Ole' SHI in it's infinite wisdom has decided that it is no problem at all for me to walk around with a time bomb on my tummy. All it takes is a few minutes of inattention on my part and part of my intestines will become "strangulated" or, in layman's terms, it will start to die. Then the hernia repair becomes a life-threatening emergency. THEN and ONLY then will they pay for it.
Bugger my kids, bugger my sanity, bugger the fact that I have a full class load coming up in January and I wanted to be back on my feet for it.

Yah.

Another thing I do not understand is WHY anyone would hang out laundry in December in Oregon. It will never dry. It may freeze. And if you leave it out long enough in an attempt to dry it, it most DEFINITELY will mold.

I really do not understand why I can carry a box out to the garage and come right back in...I mean RIGHT back in - outside for 1 minute TOPS... and the mutt puppy goes NUTSO jumping up on my leg and wagging like a maniac. She does the same thing when I'm gong for eight hours! Do dogs not have short term memory? Sometimes I just look at her and say "WHAT is your PROBLEM? I just LEFT!?!"

Obligatory eye rolling, here.

OH...OH...OH (remind you of Horshack?) HAVE TO TELL YOU! HAVE TO TELL YOU!
Finally jumped through all the hoops and I am now an official probationary member of the Little Podunk Town Rescue Squad. Got my own pager and jacket with patches.
SO here's the NEXT thing I don't understand. WHY does it always work out that you are SO excited about something...and then nothing happens? Sat here ALL day next to this pager with my feet hovering over my shoes and one eye on my EMT jacket WAITING for that sucker to tone out. And waiting....and waiting.....and waiting...

As Yukon Jack says on Rudolph the Red Nosed Riendeer....."slurp, slurp, slurp...AH Nuttin'!"

I do not understand why my Redneck Double-Wide's Thermostat has to be swatted in order to make the furnace kick on. Notice it's starting to get chilly in the house so I toddle over there and SMAK. Less than two minutes later, Ahhhhhh, heat!
Of course, I'm not an electrician. Or a heating and plumbing guy. And I don't know alot about mercury. But I remember hearing somewhere that those kinds of switches weren't the best. Or they were actually illegal. Or something like that.
Probably the same place I heard that the Grey PVC piping making up my water Piping system under this 2-wide has been recalled.

I'm just sayin'...

I don't understand how I could have been married two times and thought I was so happy. I remember some good times and a few romantic moments, but I NEVER loved them the way I feel towards Loverboy. The first two times were "hmmm, I'm already livin' here, I probably should marry him. I love him, I guess. He's nice enough". With Loverboy, I want to make him happy forever and ever. When I'm with him, I smile like a goofball. When I see his name on the caller ID, I get goosebumps. Maybe it's infatuation. But I'm 42, for pete's sake! I shouldn't be practicing writing my first name with his last name or jumping up and down and squealing when he says he's coming to visit. That's teenage stuff...but WOW does it feel good.

I don't understand, either, how people can sashay through this life without some kind of anchor or trust in a higher power. I can not do this life by myself. If I hadn't had Someone there to talk to when my number two was in the hospital, or had Someone to turn to when my life imploded on June 17, 2005, I would not have been able to keep going. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I use my faith as a crutch. But if that's so, holy COW, somebody break my OTHER leg, too.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize there are a heck of a lot of things I don't understand.

• Like why men can't aim.
• And why kids go ballistic when the phone rings.
• or why I can't get my kids to school on time no matter how HARD I try or how EARLY I get up.
• or Why people get cancer.
• and WHY, oh WHY, people forget how to drive the speed limit on Sundays!

When I get to the feet of Jesus, He and I are gonna have to have a Looooooooong talk. He's got a lot of 'splainin to do. :D

Time Flies...

You know, Time DOES fly when you are having fun!
I have been up to SO much the last two months. And not all of it good. WINK
You all are going to think I'm totally random here, but I just have a minute or two to update cha'll!
First of all...I PASSED MY EMT BASIC EXAM! So now you are reading the blog of an official, honest-to-goodness, 100% bonafide, Nationally and state-wide certified Basic Emergency Medical Technician! A sweet little lady from church sent me a card. Got it yesterday. In spidery LOL (little old lady) handwriting, she told me how proud of me she was. And there was a HUGE paper medal inside that says "I DUN REAL GOOD!"
TOO FUNNY! and too sweet!
Was over at 5M4M and got an update on my precious friend Kelli. She needs a kidney. Badly. So we are asking everyone to please consider donating one of yours. All the info you need is on the link behind Kelli's name above. Just as a favor, at least go read it?
Now that I'm an EMT, I thought it only fair that I give law enforcement a fair and equal opportunity. So I am about half way through the hiring process at our local Podunk PD to serve as a reserve officer. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Next up is passing the physical agility testing...This may be the stopper...we'll see.
My mom is healing up well. She has severe osteoporosis which is making her bones brittle. So she has to be very careful. But she and I are a little at odds right now...
Because I've decided to accept a proposal of marriage.
I know, I know, I know. It's only been three months since I met him and six months since MG and I broke up (you remember, where I SWORE off men forever?) Ummmm Yah.
But God had other plans.
And he brought Loverboy into my life. The second question he asked me was how I felt about God. I am treated like a queen on her birthday! When I am with him, I don't carry a thing. I don't open a door...NAY, even touching a door handle is a sin. OK...just teasing. But he respects me, adores the kids and we are a team. Each time I have asked for blessing on this relationship, God has given it.
Yet there are those with their doubts.
So we are waiting...Till the end of next year. We have all the time in the world.
I'll share more about him later and update you on the kids...but right now I have to go pick them up at school! Gonna be late - YIKES!

Other than that...

I spent last night sleeping in a chair next to the hospital bed of my mother who broke her leg just standing still in her kitchen.
Surgeon told me as soon as my surgical wound from April heals, he'll make another one to repair the hernia caused by the previous surgery.
Everyone but me in the office I am "working" in quit, leaving me alone.
I have to have a root canal this week.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT...
Things are pretty dern good!
My kiddos start school Tuesday...YEEEHAWW!
I passed my final EMT Basic clinical, so I just have to pass the written test to get my certificate.
I won two more scholarships so that makes 7 of them PLUS financial aid. Pretty much WAY set for tuition, books and fees for the entire year!
Everyone is healthy.
I got a NEW bed with brass and porcelain headboard and pillowtop mattress...FREE.
The same person who gave me the bed also gave me a like-new four drawer filing cabinet! Which I REALLY needed! AND some books...and some movies!
What a great blessing.

I went on this date the other day.
I've always wanted someone who actually HOLDS your hand when he holds your hand, you know. Have you ever tried to hold someones hand and they just let their hand HANG there and expect you to hang on? I usually just bail and let go.
But not this guy! He hung on like glue...And I loved every minute of it! WINK
He's a truck driver...I LOVE trucks! I have a poster of a Freightliner Coronado on my bedroom wall, for Pete's Sake. (OK, not a Pete, it's a freightliner...figure of speech).
He sings to me! OH wow. I've never had anyone do that before. Positively makes me SWOON. Don't ask me what "swoon" means, I don't know, but it sounds good.
DREAMY deep brown bedroom eyes. Little dimples when he smiles. A laugh so warm it melts me like butter. Taller than me...which is always a plus.
And he is addicted to me. We talk on the phone for 4 - 5 hours most nights. I think he's wonderful. He thinks I'm wonderful.
It's all sappy and mushy and twitterpated and teenaged and fascinating and incredible.
This could be headed in an interesting direction. VEWY INTEWESTING

Still working on qualifying for the ORPAT testing. Remember the one? Where I got this wild hair and decided to try for a reserve officer position with Podunk PD? I've been exercising...some. Running, walking, running stairs on the high school bleachers.
Owwwww.
I also went to my first ever Rescue Squad team meeting. IT WAS SO COOL! I can't believe it's FINALLY happening.

I've got some other stuff to write, but got a kid wanting help in the tubby tubb tub. So I better run.
Take it easy ya'll!

The Life and Times of a Wild woman.

I don't know about you, but I really like the new Dashboard and the Font capabilities that Blogger has added. Very Nice!

Got to help at a birth Tuesday afternoon. It was INCREDIBLE. I almost go to DO the birth. The midwife sent me over to labor-sit and when I got there, Mommy was showing definite signs of transition. So I took a set of vitals and then calmly strolled down the hall out of earshot of the family...AND FRANTICALLY DIALED. HELLO...UMMM, Make it a SHORT lunch! Little boy was born 45 minutes later, a beautiful eight pound darlin with reddish hair and a loud voice.

Got an email on Wednesday that I have been awarded another scholarship. I am just so honored. I almost feel guilty; that is four scholarship awards, plus my grants. So my tuition, fees and books for the year are definitely covered. Just have to work out living expenses...

My surgical wound from April is almost healed up...but not quite. And I noticed this strange lump above it. So I had the doc check it yesterday - well, it seems now I have a hernia at the sight of the incision. Hmmmm, another surgery pending. Feels like I've been kicked while I'm down. I cried some, but don't feel as devastated as I was expecting to. I've gotten through this one...I'll get through the next one. It's not the end of the world. :D

Isn't it nice to be able to say that?

Kids are good, I am good, need to get out and exercise some, but I'm gonna wait till Sunday to do that when the temp is under 100! Havin' us a little heat wave here in NW Oregon. :D

Kids are going out for one last Hoo-Hah with the grandparents next week...all except the baby. It's a VERY rare occurence that she will spend the night away from me. I don't know if that's a good thing...or a bad thing. I expect she'll grow out of it. Although six is a bit old to be doing this "clingy" thing. I've been cutting her some slack, cuz I have been sick and weird the last few months. And when I have to leave for a birth it bothers her...but it is something she's going to have to get used to. So I'm doing my best to explain it and give her whatever warning I can.

Sent in our application and DVD to Extreme Makeover Home Edition yesterday. Been working on it for a few months. Did the scenes they requested with an old Hi-8 camcorder so I had to find someone to convert it to DVD. Velocity Studios is a SUPER friendly place. They made a cute label for the DVD and were less than half the price of the other places I called. Plus, they held it for almost two months until I could squeeze the money out of my budget. If you ever need any A/V work done, give them a shout! Good people!!

Well, thinkin' about taking the kids to the park before it gets up to 105. BLECH! Hope your day is wonderful and someone gives you a hug from me!

LIMBO

No, I don't mean the game where you bend over backward and try to make it under the bamboo pole.
Although that can be good for a laugh...

Have you ever felt like you were just - I don't know - HANGING? Waiting?

The reality is that the course of my life right now depends on the whim of one state worker in the State Capitol to decide whether or not to allow me to reactivate the Degree Completion Program.

When that word comes down, THEN the ball can start rolling. THEN I will know where I stand and what I have to do. Can I stay in College full time? Will I be forced to go get a job? Where will I move to? Will I take part time classes or just bail on the whole thing?

Blah!

I will make do with whatever happens...I'd just like to KNOW, you know?!

Got an invite to go to the BIG TRUCK drags on Saturday. Wanna go SO BAD. (picture a little girl in a big girl body jumping up and down clapping her hands and squealing). BUT... I have four kids.
So have to find a sitter.
NOT easy.
I'm at the point now where I am trying to farm them out - one or two to a place. MY that sounds crass and cold. But what else can I do?

If you are getting ready to say your prayers or you have a spare minute now, please remember my friend A.D. His blog is listed over there to the left. Motorcycle accident...BIG owies!

Got an email from an Ooooooold friend the other day. WOW, it was a surprise. She and I were pregnant with our fourth(s) if that's how you say it. And Due on the SAME day. We met online and emailed often. Went into labor on the same day. She had hers first by CSect and Mine waited till after midnight so the girls don't have the same birthdays, but it was wonderful to have a friend during that time in my life. So I sent her an email back...playing catch-up. Hopefully we won't lose eachother again. I've lost too many people...

I'd better go do dishes or laundry or clean the bathroom or mend clothes or do the weedeating...you know, something PRODUCTIVE. :D
I'm working on a post about the joys of plastic kitchen containers. That ought to keep you guessing. HAHA!

Until next time...

Which way do I go? Which way do I go?

So many decisions to make....so little time.

My style of dealing with life has always been "a la Ostrich". Stick my head in the sand and pretend this isn't happening until I get bit in the butt. Or go insane...whatever comes first.

I need a change. I feel insecure in my own skin and it's very uncomfortable.
I registered for Fall term. Basically, La La classes that won't advance me much anywhere. Psych, ASL, Emergency Communications and advanced writing.
I won another scholarship from the Big City Business Women's Club. I am totally honored...yet I feel guilty. What if I don't live up to the expectations these people have placed in me? They are investing their money in my life and my education!

Oh, God please, don't let me waste it. Let me make something of my life.

Small town dreams. That's what I've got. Raising my four kiddos the best I know how, volunteering with the church and Podunk Rescue. Being there for my friends and family.
I just don't know how to do that. The State says I must be gainfully employed. Can't have us deadbeat moms raising our own kids, ya' know.

Here are the options:
Great guns, honest to goodness Midwifery School. In the North Big City. Would have to move there. Would be near Ex's family. Not necessarily a good thing. Not sure I want my kiddos exposed to the crime and nastiness and smog and gack. Would become a licensed practicing midwife within two years. PROBLEM: how to support myself and my family while attending school? Would need to confirm financial aid would cover.

Stay where I am and poke along. Pretty soon the state is going to figure out that I'm not progressing very quickly and require me to go get a job. Can't be registered in the Paramedic program and work at the same time...way too "balls to the wall". PROBLEM: have to apply for state help for the school year. Don't know if I can get back on the list. Don't know this is what I want to do.

Move to the middle sized city about 10 miles away. Closer to everything, more programs for kids, less gas output. Can still take college classes with the challenge of the above problem. Change of pace. New Scenery. PROBLEM: Moving. Finding a house that will take assistance. Kids don't wanna move. New schools. Lost friends.

Move to the South Big City. Near main college campus (again, state help vs job problem). Near Aunties and some friends. Closer to Mentor Midwife and Salem clients. PROBLEM: Again, moving...and all that goes with that. Big city crime and gack issues. Easier for my family access. For some reason, they don't mind going to South Big City but coming to my place is a problem. Go figure.

Move to Coastal Podunk near my family. Would give up my schooling. Get a job at the local hospital or waitressing, that's about all there is out there. It's a tourist town, ya' know. Help parents, help sisters, help church, small schools for kids (or home school). Learn family trade (boat building). PROBLEM: I give up my life and give to others constantly. The pool of male companionship makes one shudder. I know...that's where I grew up.

ANOTHER OPTION is to change my major. Medical Assisting has run through my mind. Again, great medical base of knowledge with an emphasis on business without the rigors of Paramedics and emergency operations. Would still be able to pass the CPM state exam, I think. Would still be a certified state Emergency Medical Technician.

All this CRUD running through my brain. Along with battling depression, anxiety, #4's staph infection, #3's tonsillectomy recovery, #2's dabbling with puberty and PMS and the fact that #1 won't come out of his room without threat of bodily harm or bribery with food.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining, ya'll. I'm really not. It's just reality. The way my life is going right now.
AND I need to make all these decisions by the last week in August. Or sooner if possible. AND I have our animals to consider when moving. AND I have to notify the state every time I breathe!

Which is why I'm up at 4 in the morning dumping my brain here. Because it is too full to sleep.
Last weekend, I came to a breaking point. I was reaching out, desperately grasping for someone to help me. Anyone! I must have called about 20 people. Not home, not home, busy, "don't think it would be a good idea", no answer, some psychobabble about how I need a break (NO JOKE!). Pastor's mother died, elder's best friend in the hospital. Some others I just don't feel comfortable calling them up and screaming "I'm about to have a psychotic meltdown and I need someone to care for my kids." My own Mom said "That's what you get for being such a bad mother." AND THEN HUNG UP ON ME. Then when my last straw was about to break, a Blast from the Past (BP) made the fatal mistake of saying..."What's wrong and how can I help?"

Monday I went to see the nice lady in the white coat with the funny letters after her name and she gave me some little white pills that make me feel really funky. And some little pink ones. And some brown ones. But at least I'm not crying ALL the time and shaking like a dog pooping peach pits anymore.

I've just about worn out my cell between talking, texting and crying into the keypad while BP listens and hugs me with words. Thank God we share the same cell plan so everything we exchange is free. Otherwise, the cell bill would put me in the poor house...not that I'm not there already.

BP reminds me to eat. Tells me to look in the mirror and tell myself every morning how I am WORTH it. Sternly corrects yet gives me time to work on it and does it all with a compassion that makes me feel like I'm not alone. Says "I've been there. Yah, it sucks. But it will pass. That must hurt. You are brave. I love you. You are special."

When I couldn't feel God anymore, BP became His hands and feet.
Can't say I'm on my way back up, but at least I've stopped sliding backward and am holding my own. Please pray that I will make the right decision for my kids. They need a mom who is consistent, stable and knows where she is going.