Some days

Thirty year class reunion is today.

And I'm going.

By myself.

SIGH...

Expecting something from another person is a recipe for disaster.  When will I learn to only depend on myself?  

Some days I wonder why I try to have a relationship.  Specimens of the opposite gender are so difficult to understand sometimes.  Especially when they are my age.  They are so set in their ways.  And they have mastered the art of the "honeymoon"...things go along so well for a couple weeks to a month and then WHAM - reality smacks you upside the head and you must reevaluate the entire situation.  

Can I live with this?

Can my children live with this?

Even if we can live with this, is the drama worth the reward?

And why should I HAVE to settle for this?  Aren't I worth more?

I am an adopted princess - a child of the King of Kings.  I am not perfect, but I am fun, intelligent and serve until I can't take another step.

Unfortunately, some days I am also extremely busy and I have four blessings who rely on me.  Yes, you may not agree with my parenting style, but it's not something I am willing to negotiate on. Some days, I am too exhausted to stay awake.  I try to communicate, but often the words come out wrong.  Some days, I make poor decisions and get myself into difficult predicaments.

So why don't I have patience for others who have "some days", too?  

Why do I long for companionship with another person who, like me, has the heart of a teenager yet is free from addictions? Has peace in their soul and kindness in their heart?

Redundant questions, all, it seems.

Jumping off the bridge is exhilarating - makes you giddy, giggly and that pleasant experience of butterflies in your tummy when you are just beginning the relationship is so wonderful!

But hitting that huge boulder  10 feet under the surface of the river sucks. 

Things I have noticed...

Judge me not, people.  But here's some things I have noticed in the last few weeks of being the lone parent of a teenage crew.

They eat ALOT.  I work till 6p, cook dinner, do dishes and I notice that the majority of these dishes did not come from dinner.  I think they are eating in the middle of the night.  Seriously!

I must pick my battles.  I don't have the energy for every battle.  We have a chore chart on the wall - they only have one a day.  I am extremely lucky and blessed when, by means of extreme nagging, I actually get them to do their chore.  Most of the time - I must confess - I don't bother with the nagging and I just do it myself.  Call me a bad parent.  Tell me to stop whining if I'm not going to make them do what they are supposed to do to help me.  It's ok, that's what people in the "real" world are saying.

Why, oh WHY, are they so uptight?  The drunk ex is gone although he's still moving his stuff out of the garage.  I always come home sometime between 5 and 7.  I ALWAYS cook dinner and keep the dishes up.  I always answer them when they ask me a question, although, granted, there have been times I have answered and don't remember doing so because I was asleep.  But still they are as stressed as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs during a rock-a-thon.  SIGH.  Maybe it will get better soon.  

(and yes, I do take them to counseling)

I am lonely.  In a fit of idiocy, I have looked on Craigslist once (ok, maybe twice).  They all want skinny ("fit") young chicks and 98% of them that are posting and are my age....are short.  -er than me...Not that I am superficial, but most of them ARE.  So I'm just leaving that alone.  God will just have to plop someone in my lap if He wants me to have a relationship.  Because I am just so done with the games.

The world has an alarming shortage of synthetic B12 injectable solution.  I need some.  If I don't have B12 shots once a month, I am mean, tired, I can't think and my mouth feels like it's on fire all the time.  And it gets progressively worse.  And worse.  I have been ordering it at my pharmacy with a prescription - this last order has been on back order for TWO months.  When they have to haul me away with pernicious-anemia-induced psychosis, my kids are going to need someone to take care of them.  Just sayin'...

Because I work, clean, cook, manage children with anxiety, mental illness, ADHD, PTSD, OCD and depression...and sometimes sleep...I tend to not give a crap what I look like.  If it wasn't for my job, I would probably just live in sweat pants.  

Fish die...alot.  #4 just spent a fair chunk of change on fish a month ago for her birthday and...well, pretty much all dead.  

I am tired of fleas!  and sugar ants!  and mold.  Yet no money or energy to fight them.  Where do you a put a  30 gal fish tank and a crested gecko if you are going to set off a flea bomb?  and you work full time.  And you have a mentally-ill child who stays home alone...all day....every day...

And I am tired of my estranged husband posting pictures of his new girlfriend's honey-do projects on his Facebook page.  Yet I am too morbidly curious to block him.  

Yah, I'm a mess.  But a philosophical mess.  It'll get better...in time.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Then again, I guess it is my blog, huh?  

Trying to pull myself out of a funk...

Confessions of an old delinquent. Sorry, but I am lonely and I don't have anyone else to talk to.

Have to go to court tomorrow. My third and fourth tickets.
Speeding a couple of months ago.
Seatbelt last month.
Expired tags and broken windshield this month.

What is wrong with me? I can't afford to pay these and still take care of my kids! Yet how can I ask anyone for help with them when these tickets were MY fault? My idiocy. The way I'm going, I'm going to lose my driver's license. Then what will I do? How will I take care of the kids or go to college or anything without a license?

Speaking of college...starting the fourth week of the term. It's almost half over and I've barely started. One class I still don't have books for! My financial aid hasn't come through yet. The load is crushing. I'm at the point where I just want to throw up my hands and give up.

Gonna lose my cell phone next week. The garbage won't get picked up tomorrow. The electricity is due next week. The TV has been disconnected. Car insurance is a pipe dream.

At least housing pays 100% of my rent. So we'll have a roof over our heads.

I TRY so hard to be positive, to believe that God will provide. I don't care about myself. But surely He will take care of my kids. I try to believe. But I'm still scared.

Yes, I've gotten myself into this mess. I'm sure I will survive. But it's not fun. And I never seem to learn. It just happens over and over again.
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Well, now that you have endured that morose diatribe...

I was outside for a few minutes and #4 comes out all huffy.
"MOM, #2 is being mean!"
"And what is new about that? every time I'm out of earshot, she starts picking on you guys."

"Well, THIS TIME, she has Just OutDONE herself!!"
Quite a sentence for a seven-year-old

I'm definitely in the WRONG business!

ONCE AGAIN, I leave the college bookstore feeling like I've been rode hard and put away wet.

HOLY COW!! I already have the books for one class, thank God. Otherwise it would have been worse.

Three hundred and fifty dollars LATER.....

Banging my head against a wall...

Can't BELIEVE I caved and took #3 to the Emergency Room.

But she was yelling and yelling...like an entire hour. I didn't know what to do.

Turns out she just has a case of the viral "green apple two-step" and she didn't want to go because she thought it would hurt.

Here I am...Paramedic student. Taking a kid to the ER for diarrh*a.

Good grief.

Then I got home and took my shoes off. Warming up a hot dog and...
the rescue tones go off.
cardiac arrest.

Jolly.

Got recalled, though. Turns out he'd been there awhile. Wadn't anything anyone could do. He was already in the arms of God.

So I'm home now. I miss my LB like CRAZY. I have a SCREAMIN toothache. I did the dishes and I think I need to go to bed.

Now. Before I add to the stupidity of this day
**SIGH**

Not complainin'...I'm just sayin'...

I hope you all have a WONDERFUL and blessed New Year. I'm hoping and praying for LOTS of changes...the biggest of which would be being able to be with my fiance' LB.
The reasons we are apart seem silly to the teenager in me, but being responsible adults we find it necessary to pay bills, care for loved ones, be broke...you know, stuff like that.
Not complainin'...I'm just sayin'...

Went and got a food box today. I am always amazed at the odd things people DON'T buy in the store that end up at the food bank.
Not complainin'...I'm just sayin'...

For Instance -
Meatless Burger mix. By the way, there is a Warning on the label that says DO NOT ADD OIL. I never did figure out if that meant it would cause the patty mix to explode or simply increase the fat content to unhealthy levels.
Speaking of Patty Mix, there was a frozen brick of Hamburger patty mix. OK, the scary part is the word "Mix". Mix of...WHAT? beef and some other meat? Beef and various plant solids? Beef...parts? OHhhhh my. I think I don't want to now.
A plastic container of bird feed. No...WAIT...it just LOOKS like bird food. It is really a blend of natural rices. I remember something like that when I was a kid. My dad called it "hot cereal". It was really a semi-cooked blend of various seeds and grains served in a warm state with brown sugar and milk. I swear to this DAY I can lift semi trucks with my mandibular muscles from the chewing required to get that "cereal" down my gullet. But at least I was "regular" from all that fiber!
2 dozen cartons of 1% milk came in a cardboard flat. Seems the local school district was shut down for an extra week and needed to get rid of the extra milk ordered for the school kids. The pull date on them was Dec 26th. Ummm, what's today?
There was a plastic bag with frozen vegies and broth. The little label said it was vegie soup. It actually didn't look half bad...for someone over the age of 18. My kids would take one look at that and go "EEewwwww! Gross, Mom."
There was a baggie of cooked mystery meat. But if you haven't had meat in awhile...it actually didn't look half bad either.

Yah, like I said...I'm not complainin', I'm just sayin'...
So I'll save all that stuff and pass it on to someone who will use it. Except for the meatless patty mix. I might try that just out of curiosity.

There was some REALLY good stuff in the box that I was SO grateful for...like a turkey, a pound of butter, alphabet pasta, spaghetti sauce, and a BIG bag of baking mix. Blessings, blessings, blessings when things are tight.

OK, that was the light hearted half of the post. The rest of this is pretty depressing, opinionated, sarcastic and snarky. So if you don't choose to read on, I'll understand.
Have a Happy New Year, Dear friend!

NOW, to my emotional dump site. I HAVE to get this out...

I did get a reprimand today at Podunk FD. I stopped by to see if anyone had found my stethoscope. It's a really cool purple one...and I guess it's my own fault for taking my OWN equipment on a call. But so far no one has found it. Maybe I left it at the last call I went on. But while I was looking, El Jeffe' called me into his office to let me know that I had been too vocal during calls. We are to take turns "managing the call" and directing the care. It doesn't matter if they forget something or don't notice something, I am to keep my mouth shut until I can ask the manager about it later. Do not ask the patient questions, Janean! Do not ask the patient questions. Gotta remember...gotta remember...
So I will. It's just my type A personality and perfectionism peaking through.
That and my lack of tact and intolerance for incompetence and my mothering attitude. I want to take care of each patient as if they were my child.
I'll have to work on that...

You know, they should make a special key or emoticon or color or code or something that indicates sarcasm.

Numbers Two and Three have decided to have a "slumber party" in the living room. Number four wants to sleep with me. Number one spent his own Christmas money to buy a bottle of Martinelli's Sparkling Cider so he could celebrate the new year. I think he's come out of his room about 23 times since 4pm to tell me he loves me. Maybe it's because he caught me crying earlier. For a kid who is six foot three and about 300, he sure does have a soft heart.
So I sit here on the computer and type. To keep from going crazy, you know. Or at least going COMPLETELY crazy. I think I'm pretty much halfway there.

Got an email from a sister. I can't repeat the language here but basically she criticized my parenting, my character, my faith, and my integrity. Because of LB.
In case I forgot to mention it, my parents, aunts, uncle and two of my siblings loathe LB, sight unseen.
They are viewing the situation through the lens of prejudice.
And you have to admit, I haven't always made the best choices when it comes to mates.
But to not even give him a chance? And to lump him in with the rest of his "kind" instead of operating under the teachings of the Jesus Christ they raised me to know and love...it's just wrong.

I am going to take a stand. So I have agreed not to discuss Loverboy with them if they will refrain from trying to influence my children. If they want to explain their perspective, I can deal with that. I have explained mine to them in as neutral a way as possible.
I believe my kids have a right to make up their own minds about what is right and wrong, good and bad.

YUP, turn in my Mommy license. According to them anyway. And maybe I'm wrong on this. But I am going to take a stand. I hate that it is causing a rift in my family. I mean, I really hate it. But they don't even know him. They have never even seen his face. He has tried to talk to them and been hung up on. He sent them emails without response. So I continue to be kind, but firm.
No, I'm sorry, but prejudice is wrong. And I am disappointed. I never expected it from them.

All that to announce that we are going to visit them tomorrow. I wish with all my heart that I was heading to see LB. Maybe I will on Friday. But the kids want to see their grandparents. And I need to feel the ocean air I grew up with flow through my brain, unclench the knots in my shoulder muscles and listen to the sound of the waves wash through my heart until I am able, once again, to leave this huge pile of stress with my Heavenly Father.
I am so buried right now that I am finding it difficult to talk to Him. Heck, I'm finding it difficult to get out of bed. I have been doing alot of that "groaning" before the Lord, because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to fix everything. I don't even know where to look. I am desperate. I am scared to death.

And I think maybe I need some new medication.

God bless your new year. It HAS to get better than this.

Handcuff me to the passenger's door...

I want to start this story off with a disclaimer... I adore my ex-FIL! He has a heart of gold and is the sweetest thing. For purposes of this story, I'm gonna blog-name him Fred.

Took the kids up to visit Fred and Flossie, their father's relatives. It's about a 3 hour drive, not counting potty stops. They had a great time and two of them decided to stay for a week. Gramma was gonna take 'em to the rodeo, cousins were there....irresistible to 50% of Children, ya' know.

Well, the subject of visitation came up and I offered to take Fred to visit the ex in his long-term armored residence. So we spent the night and got up at the crack of dawn properly fortified with water bottles and BIG cups o'coffee.
As we are climbing into the Crown Vic, Fred "happens to mention" the fact that he has "molar degeneration" and begins to describe the symptoms. For those of you who don't speak Fred-ese, he's talking about Macular Degeneration, an eye condition that severely impairs the vision of those affected. Did I mention that he already has nerve damage in one eye? Here's when I begin to get a little nervous...

After a quick trip through Mickey D's for a treat that Flossie would NEVER let him have for health concerns, we take off. Down the Highway. In a style best described as "meandering". Speed limit is 65. So the cruise control is set on...64 1/2. Which, if you know ME, You know that this will make me CERTIFIABLY INSANE. I'm more of a "Push the limits 75 1/2" type person. But I take a deep breath...I can handle this! I can handle this! Ooooohhhm, Oooohhhm.

Truck speed limit is 55 in our state, which means that we passed ALOT of trucks...but no cars. Unfortunately, one of Fred's "health concerns" that cause him to be banned from Fast food, sugar, starch and anything that contains even one micron of salt, also causes him to take advantage of EVERY... SINGLE... REST... STOP on the two hour drive. So we passed the same trucks at least eight times. I got to know some of those truck drivers on a first name basis...

Let me explain the "meandering"style of driving for those of you who have never experienced this adrenaline-inducing phenomena from a passengers' seat. I noticed fairly soon in the trip that every once in awhile, the drivers' side of the car would just slightly converge with the "fast lane" cars on the left. Now, normally, that would not be a problem, especially if one is planning on actually MOVING INTO that lane. Or if I was driving and going the same SPEED as the cars in the left lane. Neither of which was true in this case. By the end of the trip, I had a mediocre case of SIDEWAYS whiplash from jerking back into the slow lane (once he had realized he was drifting) and I am pretty sure I saw most of my LIFE FLASH BEFORE MY EYES when he unfortunately timed a "drift" into the middle of a motorcycle gang flying colors. They also flew the traditional "one-finger wave" at us...several times.

Again, let me say that I LOVE FRED. He doesn't mean to be socially challenged...he just is. He was a nerd before being a nerd was cool. He starts telling stories of his life and you might as well settle in with a good book, because, BABE, you're gonna be there awhile! His jokes are NOT funny...but we laugh, because we love him and don't want to hurt his feelings. He pretends to be angry and gruff in a teasing manner and NO ONE can tell he is teasing.

WHICH leads to the next fun episode of the day. He decides he wants to find this GREAT hamburger place he went to one time for lunch. Problem is, he wasn't driving on that trip. And he can't see well. And he doesn't remember the name of the place. Soooooo we drive around CowTown for awhile looking.
I'm trying to be helpful, but we're not working with an abundance of information here. Just "Good food and LOTS of it for only seven Bucks!". Hmmmm, OK.
So we go to turn and there are two 'tweens waiting to cross the street. He slams on the brakes in the middle of the intersection to let them go...which is nice albeit HAZARDOUS. But then he rolls down his window and YELLS AT THEM TO "hurry the heckUP! Move your BUTTS!". So one of them turns around and again with the one-finger-wave. You know, I thought he was serious, so I can understand how THEY thought he was serious. He hollers "That's RIGHT! And I deserve it! Cuz I'm a Cranky Old Man!" and he drives off...chuckling to himself. He thought it was a joke! He doesn't realize those kids think he is the rudest thing on the planet and I'm so mortified I'm considering getting out on the next corner and hitching a ride home with the nearest truck driver.
I probably know him anyway after passing him 10 times on the way over!

And then, the visit. It was hard. Something about medium security state prison facilities that give me the willies, you know. Must be all that razor wire...
Dad can't walk well, so we are shuffling behind our visiting group. I'm trying to hang back and "bridge the gap" but the guard is standing at the door tapping his foot and looking at his watch.
We make it to the visit room and sit down with the Ex. He looks good, lost about 150 lbs since I've seen him last. Mainly because all he does is exercise. What else is there to do in there?
Anyway, Fred starts talking. Two hours later, he stops to take a breath.
Then he says "I'm sorry, I'm monopolizing the conversation. You go ahead!"
"No, that's ok, Fred. You have right at it..." After all, what do you say to his son, someone who brought my life to ground ZERO, stomped my heart into the ground and scarred my children for life? There are no words to describe how I feel. See my point?
So Fred and Ex start talking about Math. I don't remember how... But I do remember they were discussing borrowing while subtracting fractions. SETS of objects. I'm serious...they were talking about SETS. Say "SETS" really loud...right now. Go ahead...I'll wait.
Do you see where this is headed?

Fred leans back in his uncomfortable plastic chair, puts his hands behind his head and announces VERY LOUDLY, "WEll, Let's just take a look at the origin of the word "SETS", shall we?"
Dead quiet in the visiting room. Every head turns. My eyes bug out of their sockets. Ex's mouth drops open. Fred doesn't even notice.
After another second or two, the crowd discovers that the subject is NOT what they thought they heard (e.g. SE*X) and they go back to their own visitors.
I scoop my eyeballs up off my lap and re-engage them...while trying without much success to stifle a case of the giggles. My face is turning red, biting my bottom lip hoping the pain will keep me from bursting into guffaws. Mouth and nose twisted together to try to hold the laughter in.
Ex just smiles and rolls his eyes with a slight shake of the head. Fred doesn't even realize what has just occurred.

Whew! I'd really hate for him to be embarrassed. Like I was.

By the time I got back to the homestead and picked up the two munchkins who were coming home with me, I felt a little more settled. Mainly because I slept most of the trip back. I didn't want to see the impending carnage and the stress of stomping on an imaginary brake in the passenger's seat kinda wore me out.
On the drive home, I shared some of the horror I'd experienced with my #1 son. He laughed so hard he couldn't breathe. Which is why I decided to tell you the story.
I made #1 Son PROMISE...Cross yer heart and hope ta die type promise...that if I EVER EVER EVER drive like that, he will handcuff me to the passenger door whenever he takes me for a Sunday drive. I don't want to cause him the grey hairs that I suddenly grew on that trip.

And I would hate to have my son run off and join the motorcycle gang that I had just driven into because he was embarrassed of my driving. If he's going to join a motorcycle gang, I want it to be for a GOOD reason...like women, booze and the feel of the wind in his hair.

OKAY! I'M JUST KIDDING ABOUT THAT LAST PART!

What's the point

I am so down.
It's like one AM and I can't sleep. All I can do is cry as the other side of my bed mocks me.
It talks, you know. "You're alone. All alone. You're a failure. Nobody wants you. Why would any man want something like YOU? Who's going to want some scarred up flabby forty something chick with four kids?"
And I don't know how to shut it up.
So I cry. I've been crying for two hours. MG called and I cried at him. He's got someone else now. Someone who WANTS him. Someone who WANTS to be with him. And he won't talk to me about it. Because he thinks I can't handle it.
Whatever.
I just want to hear about SOMEBODY's happiness. All I see is pain, lonliness, hopelessness, fear, embarrassment, poor decisions and no one to talk to.
Who can I call at one AM that will listen? Who will want to hold me while I cry?
And where in the heck is God when I feel like this?
I know, I know...when you are single, He is supposed to be your "Husband". All the man you need.
It doesn't work.
And I don't care.
I took some pills. Tylenol three with codeine. And they didn't put me to sleep. They didn't stop the pain. So I took two more. And you know what?
Nobody cares.
I don't want to die. That's not the point. I just want the pain to stop. I want to feel normal again.
I want a sweet man to care for me and love me for WHO I AM not what I can do for him. To have someone who loves me for me and wants to be with me and cares about how I feel. Someone to buy me flowers or give me a card. Someone to hold me when I cry. Someone to talk to about my frustrations with the kids, my fears over number three's surgery on Thursday, My irritation with my mom. My terror that I will never be anything, do anything...
I just want to sleep till the pain quits. I just want someone I can talk to at one am. Why is it so hard to find someone who isn't too busy for me? to find a man to care. A good man. A kind man. Am I that horrible? Do I come across to eager and scare them away?
I hate having to chase my friends. Anyone I want to be with, I have to ask. I have to go looking, to nag them, to call or text and say, "Hey, I'm lonely. Please pay attention to me."
I feel like a five year old kid. Why can't I just pull up my Big Girl Panties and face reality. Accept the fact and deal with it. Why me?
All my friends have someone. It's not fair. I just want to lay on the floor and kick and scream. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, damn it.
Why not me? Why do I have to go through this? It hurts, it hurts, it hurts SO BADLY. Like a piece of me is missing.
Gonna try to sleep now. feels like the four Tylenol three's are kicking in. Feeling drowsy anyway. I'll probably get to bed and hear that left side whispering at me again...
Where's the chainsaw? I'll just cut my bed in half and throw away the side that is causing me so much heartache.
Anyone want half a bed?
Anyone think I'm crazy?
Anyone wanna pray for this messed up, psycho, blubbering pile of wimpiness?
I hate being weak. And I hate having to depend on others. Why am I so vulnerable? and Why am I rambling on to a cold computer ?
Writing makes it better. Writing gets the Yuk out of my heart and my mind. Writing gives me peace. Writing is the only way I can "talk" to someone at one am.
a computer screen doesn't judge you. A computer screen doesn't pity you. A computer screen just listens and doesn't tell you how stupid you are for feeling the way you do. A computer screen isn't going to call the nice men in the white coats to haul me away.
But maybe it should.
Maybe it should.

I'm so tired. Tired of struggling. Tired of fighting. Tired of being the referee and the bad guy to my kids. Tired of worrying. Tired of having to start over...and over...and over. Tired of trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Tired of putting one foot in front of the other. Tired of begging for help. Tired of welfare lines and food boxes and public service agencies.

I'm just so freakin' tired.

My traumatized epidermis...

OK, so you can't see it really well, but we went to the beach last Saturday. It was peaceful and warm and the kids and I dabbled our toes in the ocean in the freezing cold water. OK, OK, I was lonely...but that is kind of a permanent thing. I don't know why I can't just suck it up and be happy with this life God has given me and my Beautiful kids. My HEAD knows I have so much to be thankful for and I am truly blessed. But my HEART cries like a lost child in the dark. Must be hormones.

Don't tell anybody, but I took this pic with my cell phone at about 40 MPH driving down the hiway. I know, I'm naughty. We went and got our pictures taken today. I bought us matching red tie-dyed shirts at a school fundraiser. The boy hasn't had any pictures taken in about 3 years. So it was time. And I wanted one of ALL of us. So I (GASP) spent 20 minutes putting on makeup. Foundation, powder, blush, shadow, liner...the works. Even lipstick.

Number four comes in and asks me what I'm doing. I say "putting on make up". She asks "hmmm, what's Make up?" and it dawns on me that I haven't done a full face paint since before I got pregnant with the six year old. HOLY COW. She kept looking at me funny, trying to touch my eye shadow.

As I sit here, it occurs to me that my face feels like plastic and I feel the urgent need to go wash this crud off. Probably because, with the exception of the blush and mascara that I won in a writing contest last year from Loose Lips NY, the goop on my face is OVER TEN YEARS OLD. It's probably chemically altered by now and is melting off my epidermis!!! YAAAAAHHH!

OK, time to calm down. Get a Grip.

My big tummy owie is much better. Still a hole with a little extra cave under my belly button but getting smaller by the day. I hope after friday when I see the doctor again they will just let me take care of it myself with a weekly check up. Driving in to the wound clinic several times a week is a pain in the rump.

Had a root canal last week. BIIIGGG TOOTHACHE. In about half my face. So I couldn't pin it down. The dentist went eenie-meenie-miney-mo and apparently picked the right rotten tooth because after she cleaned out the root, everything stopped hurting. Which was VERY, VERY nice. But she didn't finish. Ran out of time. So I go back today.

AND SHE STILL DIDN"T FINISH!! Got the root all "cleaned out" now and disinfected, I guess. She was using straight bleach in an irrigation unit. AND the irrigation unit wasn't working properly. So about five times, I got a nice trickle of straight bleach through the dam and into the back of my throat. COUGH, GAG, Eyes water, GAG, Cough. BURNS! I still don't know why I let her do it again...and again....and again...and - OK, you get the picture. Finally, she mumbles "Well, let's not use that anymore". I was all about shouting "AMENNN!"

Still walked out of there with a temp filling in place. And have to go back next week for round three. BLECH!

A friend sent me this little cartoon on my cell phone. I thought it was precious. Sorry it's so little and hard to see, but I had to share it with you. God bless your week. I'll write again soon.

Random Ramblings

Ya'll are gonna think I've gone off the deep end and call the nice men in white coats to come take me where it's safe and padded after you read this post.

Just some random things that have popped into my brain today...

I wonder why people hang laundry out on a line in February in Oregon. It will mold before it dries. Are they nuts?

This seems like the wisdom of the ages to me for some reason -
"I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful, 100 percent." Horton the Elephant

The verse I needed this morning more than I needed food...
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind." 1 Timothy 1:7

The dumbest road sign I have ever seen...
on a little country back road on the way to the midwifery clinic the other day. Don't know why I have never noticed it before. Maybe I was just in the "mood". It said "SLOW". The first thought out of my rebellious being was WHY?!? Am I gonna be struck by lightening? Is there a hole in the road? WHAT?!!? I actually sped up. Cuz I'm a pill like that.

And to top off all this love and wierdness, for my Death and Dying class, I have to write my own obituary this week. Something fitting in that.

Excuse my morbidity. But my life is kinda icky right now.

We've got three momma's due in the next two weeks. I can't wait. I need some wonder right now.

Guys, ghosts and dreaming

So much running through my head as I sit here at 4-ablinkin-thirty in the morning.

Why can't relationships ever stay the same? I love MG...don't get me wrong. It's just that life has fallen into such a "rut". Maybe I'm not putting enough effort into it. I'm busy cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, finishing quilts, doing schoolwork, sleeping, appointments, deliveries, prenatals...sometimes I feel like I neglect him.
I think he's feeling the same way. Yesterday, he told me I was beautiful. I used to hear it about 10 times a day. Now, I'm down to once a week if I'm lucky. I haven't had a backrub in about 2 weeks. And I give one every night. So sometimes I guess I start feeling selfish.
And then I feel guilt. I shouldn't be in the relationship for what I can get out of it!
Argh. Maybe I'm just psycho.

I have a ghost in my house.
My ex doesn't call anymore. He knows I have MG here and that bugs him. And when he called the kids would want to talk to him and I had to say no. He writes once in awhile...
But his ghost hangs around. Just when I think the kids have forgotten and life is moving forward, one of them says something and the wounds are ripped open again.
I was taking clothes out of the drier and number 3 comes up behind me.

"Mom, when is Dad coming home?"

If you listen real carefully at this point, you can hear little pieces of my heart dropping to the floor of the laundry room. Why do my kids have to keep HURTING over this? Will it ever stop? Will they EVER forget? I know she's only 8...but he's been gone for over two years now.

"Baby, we've talked about this. Daddy can't EVER come home. Even if he wasn't in jail, he can't come home. And it's NOT because of you or anything we did...it's because of his poor choices. He's dangerous, baby. I know you love him, but I can't trust him not to hurt you."

"Well, I miss him, Mom!"

I know, Sweetheart. I know.
I don't tell her this, but I miss him, too. Or I miss the man I THOUGHT he was...before I knew of the evil inside. I miss my life of not having to work, of not worrying about bills, I miss the new house we were buying, I miss the "fairy tale".

Like Elliot says in E.T. with an alien strapped to the front of his bike - "This is reality, Greg!"

Went to our old church yesterday. So many friends...so many memories. Kids are happy there. We get lots of hugs and as I sat in the pew listening to the choir's Holiday performance, my heart was up there with them. Unfortunately, my body can't be. I dream of being able to go back to leading worship, singing in the choir and on the praise team, such as it is.
But I can't.
At least not now.
Trying to practice while watching four kids make laps of the sanctuary and holler that they are hungry, bored, thirsty, etc. is just impossible.
Then there's the whole "being a Christian example" thing. I don't think I am living a life that is conducive to holding a leadership role. I'm not that "good".
Or like I said...Maybe I'm just psycho.

Well, maybe I'll go play Jew*lQu*st for awhile and try to get sleepy again. It's kind of a mindless game - between that and a bunch of praying, maybe I'll get another hour of shuteye before the day starts.

Thanks for listening. I know...like you had a choice. :D

VERY NOT funny

Maybe it's just me...
Was listening to some stupid morning radio show while I was dropping the kids off at school. They were doing this "Call In" segment on holiday traditions...What makes your holiday a holiday?
One lady said that her gramma once got a Downy ball for Christmas. And she hung it on the tree. So now that she has passed on, her entire family hangs Downy balls on their tree to remember her.

You know, sappy stuff like that.

THEN one of the talk show hosts says "Hey, I'm Fred calling from Prison and it's just NOT Christmas if I haven't shanked someone in the shower."

Maybe it's just me but that is VERY NOT FUNNY!

Pity party

Umm, ok. It's been one of those days. I seem to be posting alot like this lately, but you are the only people who will listen when I complain. Everyone else says "OH YEAH, well let me tell you about MY morning. IT was worse than YOURS!"
And I want some sympathy.
Cuz I'm all spoiled like that, you know.
Everyone together now...Ohhhhh, Poor Janean! Poor, Poor Janean.

Thank you, I feel better now.

1. flat tire this morning. had a nail in it.
2. discovered there wasn't as much money in the account as I thought there was.
3. I forgot to pay my garbage bill...so no garbage pick up for a couple of weeks.
4. Truck won't go over 55 miles an hour, if I'm lucky enough to get it going that fast downhill in the first place. Great.
5. Got a ticket for a seatbelt violation. Had it tucked under my arm but "if you aren't wearing it correctly, it's the same as if you aren't wearing one at all." That's what the nice policeman says anyway.
6. Cat got sprayed by a skunk. Tried to give him a bath and ended up washing the walls in the bathroom. He's kind of big...and strong, too. I think his father was a Cougar. So after the bath, he went in and laid on my bed all day. Yummy.
7. Took #2 to a therapy appointment and after waiting for 20 minutes, we left. Apparently, they forgot to write down the appointment. Great. $5.00 in gas down the tubes.
8. 10 loads of laundry to fold.
9. Can't confirm my other appointment for this afternoon...hope I'm not driving into the city again just for another stand up. Have to take my chances.

I must say that Blogging is better than tearing your hair out and running screaming down the street. Because that's why you all come read my stuff, huh? Cuz I'm so cheerful and sweet? NOT.

Where's Larry Boy?

I don't know if there's a time stamp on this post...but it's 4am.
I've been up for an hour.
Argh!

Got some used pants at St. Vincent De Paul for $4.
Got a used shirt for $5. Had some shoes that would work.
Tah Dah! EMT for under $10.
My aunt said I look "very official". Great. I think.

Came home thinking I would catch up on my Math70 homework.
I got the WRONG BOOK!
Argh, again!

Checked my college email.
My Medical Terminology class got canceled.
And I just got the book yesterday!
DOUBLE argh!

Is college always like this?

So now I have to pick a new class AND drive to the college bookstore 45 minutes and $20 worth of gas away AND go to "Fundamentals of Public Speaking" this morning!

There.
I vented.
Now I feel better!
Thanks for listening. :D

WOW, I'll be glad when this week is over with.
AND when I find someone willing to hang with my kids on Tues. and Thurs. evenings while I go to class. Please pray with me that I will find someone. If only one thing this week were to turn out "right", I'd like this to be the one thing.

I need a hero...

Where's Larry Boy when you need him?

Expelled!

First day of school and I get expelled already.

All JAZZED up...first day of class.
We sit down. The instructor makes me change seats because she doesn't like where I'm sitting. Fill out papers.
Introduce ourselves.
Listen to her tell about herself.
Then, "Oh, by the way, if you aren't a Fire Student, you can't take this class."
I have to pick one of the other two classes.

Either Tuesday and Thursday DAYS...
Which will mean I have to put #4 in daycare because she only goes to Kindergarten Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
WHICH is WHY I picked THAT class in the first place.

OR I can go Tuesday and Thursday NIGHTS. With a lab day every other Saturday.
Which means I have to find someone to stay with all of them two nights a week.

AAAAaaarggghhhh!
I've spent two weeks working out this schedule. Figuring out which kids would go where what days and where I needed to be.
One instructor decides I can't take THAT class and
F L U S H
DOWN the toilet it all goes.

God will work this out.
I know. I trust him.

But I can't believe I got expelled from class the FIRST day of school.

Now what am I gonna do!?!
Please pray that I make the right decision for my kids and for our future.
I'm leaning toward the night class, but I need to find someone I can trust to stay with them.

Sigh.

UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AGAIN

I wish I could sleep.

Actually, I wish my kids would sleep.
And the cat...which is what woke me up originally. At about 2:45.
Alllllmost back to sleep then...
"MOM!" Right behind me. I think I screamed. Scared the stuffin' out of me.
And her.
Her TV had static and it woke her up.
Why do I have TV in their room? Well, right now, it's a good thing. BECAUSE two of the three girls are still awake. And it'll keep them occupied till they fall back to sleep. OH BOY are we all gonna be happy tomorrow. NOT!

I know, I know. What a cruddy mother!

I can't go back to sleep. It's 4:30am. I've been online for an hour applying for scholarships. WHY?

I'm boring you, aren't I?

Cuz I'm worried.
There's a verse somewhere in the Bible about how worrying won't add an inch to your height. Which, I think, means worrying doesn't change anything.
I'm going to wake up in the morning and still have no gas, no milk, no eggs, no flour and still be broke. I should look at the positive side.
I guess.
I've got sugar and butter. And enough bread for toast in the morning. And about 20 lb.s of hamburger in the freezer. And an apple tree out front. And canned green beans.
So that's good.

But does that stop me from worrying about it and regretting the fact that I bought them all Happy Meals two weeks ago and if I hadn't done that, I'd still have that money right now and I wouldn't be IN THIS SITUATION?

Ummmm, NOPE!

So I just want to know one thing.

How do I turn off my brain? I mean, other than by changing my gender.

Question

Ok...
question...

Is it taking about 20-30 seconds for my page to load on your computer, too?

Cuz this is starting to drive me crazy!

I have DSL for a reason, Blogger! So my page loads F - A- S- T.

Anyone have any ideas of why this it takes so long?

I really DON'T know it all.

I really don't know it all. Unfortunately, I often act like I do. I can be bossy and pushy. A goody-two-shoes with attitude.

Got a wake up call last night.

Someone asked me if I still liked them. Because I used to "enjoy" doing things for them and I don't anymore.

OF COURSE I still care for them! But I'm tired.

I think it's not that I don't enjoy helping. I think it's that I'm tired of being an enabler. Reminds me of that old adage, "give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime."

I don't mind helping some. But I've already got a family to care for and my own life to manage - I don't need another person to "mother". I want them to start doing things for themselves. I get frustrated when I watch them halfheartedly try something then either abandon it or get frustrated because they "can't do it". They say "there has to be a way to do this!" So I show them, line it all out, make a list of suggestions.

And nothing happens.

And I lose respect for them.

Am I being a hard nose? Am I being pious? I have never had much patience for those who don't try to better themselves. That is a hard thing to admit. I've had friends who say "I can't find a job" - and I say "Then you aren't trying or your sites are set too high." I'll take them out and get 20 applications done in a day. And surprise, they get a job! Maybe not the one they wanted, but it's money.

In the past, I have "helped" others until I no longer enjoyed it; till I was angry at myself and angry at them. It made me a Not-Nice person. And I think that's one of the biggest challenges I had with my ex. He became like another child to me.

And I had absolutely no respect for him.

Because he wouldn't be responsible for his own actions. It was always "someone else's fault".

And I don't ever want to be in that position again. I want to empower others. Help them move UP and better themselves.

Yet how do I do that and still show that I care about them at the same time? One can say "I love you" with words, but it seems hard sometimes to say "Please clean up after yourself", "Make your own phone calls", "get motivated!" without sounding mean or "better-than-thou".

Am I making any sense here?

Maybe it's just too early in the morning.

Here's a funny anyway! My auntie sent this to me...JUST WHAT I NEED!

Yep. I'm alive.

Don't worry. I'm alive.
I am so sorry to be remiss in visiting all of you, but the truth is that I have to fight for computer time now. It sucks. But six people trying to use one computer in one 18 hour period is difficult.
Especially when two of them are W.O.W. enthusiasts.
And two like Zoo Tycoon.

I'm trying to keep up on my classes and jump through all the hoops with DHS. It's hard to do when I just want to be with my kids.

Oooo! One good thing. MG got us a pool. VERY awesome. The kids are in seventh heaven! They are swimming constantly and are all red. No matter how much sunscreen I put on them they still burn.

I also don't think I've told you about our new "child" Oreo. He was adopted from the pound and is such a lovebug! His tail has two bends in it so it looks like a numeral 7. He crawls into everything...we have to be careful sometimes.

Life is going well.
I must admit I was very frustrated earlier today. We have had a priest and his friend lost in our area for about a month. No one could find them. Well, Sunday they were found. They had gone off the road. It seems people called 911 on June 8 about the accident, but because no one could figure out what jurisdiction it was in, no one responded.
The reason it bugs me so much is because when I was a dispatcher, it happened to me about a million times. And the dispatcher is the one who is going to get the heat. Bigtime. How sad. How tragic! How could it have been prevented? I don't know. You can read about it Here. I have several friends who are dispatchers and I have only the utmost respect for them. I don't like it that they are going to get flack because of it. I hope they don't.
Sorry, I haven't been participating much or reading your blogs. Hope I can get back to it soon. I'll have to stop being such a wimp and say "Hey! I want my 'puter!" :D

God bless, ya'll!!

People that drive me nuts - TT 31

Howdy! Hope your week is going well. Mine ain't too bad, really.

OK, enough with the pleasantries. On to the LIST...

THIRTEEN THINGS THAT DRIVE ME NUTSO!

(Betcha thought this was gonna be a sweet happy one with the deceiving little butterfly graphic in the header, huh? PSYCH!)

1. People who drive BELOW the posted speed limit. I know, it's a speed LIMIT; technically you aren't supposed to go OVER it. However, I tend to think of it as more of a speed "guideline". Kinda like those "Suggested Speed" signs for the corners.

2. Those who choose to put nasty decals in the back windows of their vehicles. YUK! How do explain some of that stuff to a 8 year old who says, "Wow, Mom! What is that dog doing in that picture on that 4wd Toyota pickup?"

Uhhhhhh...

3. Individuals who use foul language in public. I have a MAJOR issue with that "Eff" word. But most other ones are not appropriate either. Especially when my children are within earshot.

4. An attitude of disrespect for others and their property. I distinctly remember being appalled as I watched someone take a razorblade and slice a gorgeous photo out of a library book. AHHHHH! And having to chase teenagers OFF my exhusband's flatbed truck that was parked in front of our house. HELLLOOO! That is NOT your truck!! You have no right whatsoever to jump, run, skateboard, sit or even TOUCH that truck. GET DOWN RIGHT NOW!

Ooops. Pardon-a-moi. My Mommy-ness is showing.

5. People who just don't show up for work one day. "Well, decided I didn't want to work there anymore, so I just didn't go back." Do they realize what a hardship they place on the REST of us who continue to be responsible and not only HOLD down a job, but, if we DO chose to leave, give adequate notice? What a concept.

Ok, now I have to apologize for my sarcasm. Methinks I will have to do this several more times through the rest of this post.

6. When you need to get rid of something Super-Yucky, do it in a discreet fashion. No Chew in the water fountain, no blowing your nose WITHOUT using tissue, no picking and wiping on whatever you happen to be sitting on, no farting in public...I could go on and on, you know. But I think I've been sufficiently gross.

7. If I run into you in Wally World and we haven't seen eachother in more than a year, listen up - When I say "HEY! Long time, no see! Howaya?" All I want to hear for a response is "FINE, how about you?" If I haven't seen you in a year, I don't want to know all your health problems, all about your pregnant teenagers' deadbeat friends or how you feel about the President's position on the war in Iraq. I was just being polite, ok?

(Can you'all tell I am tired and cranky? Hmmm? Ya' think?)

8. Those "Here's Your Sign" people. I don't know if you have ever seen Bill Engvall, comedian extraordinaire, but just like Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might be a Redneck if...", Bill does the "Here's Your Sign" routine for people who continually state the OBVIOUS and you just wanna smack them on the forehead to get their brains in gear.

You stop at the minimart for a soda all dressed up after burying a good friend and the clerk says "SO! Going to a funeral?"

You pull up to the pumps at the local rip-off...errr..gas station and the attendant comes over and says "You need some gas?" Uhhh, NO! I just wanted to park here, whatdeya think? DUH!

You run in the door at work SOAKING wet, your hair a mere shadow of the gloriousness it was 20 minutes ago after you spent all that time fixing it and the security guy says "HEY! Is it raining out there?" No, I always come to work like this. Aaaaaah!

9. People who have graduated from college and STILL can't spell. What did they teach you there, huh? Party Attending 101? And then there's that little button at the top of the screen with the ABC and the check mark? That means SPELL check. But I guess if you don't know the correct spelling to select from the listed options, that won't do you any good anyway, huh?

10. Older toothless gentleman with barely any hair who think you are looking at them because you WANT THEIR Bodi*es! Ewww! I was looking at your funny cap with the bullet hole in the brim that says "My lucky gun cleanin' hat". I do not, nor have I EVER been that desperate.

I'm sorry for being rude here. If I've offended you, please accept my humblest apologies and CLICK AWAY NOW! Cuz it's only gonna get worse.

11. Anyone who tells me I am uneducated for having "blind faith"...that I should question God and constantly STRIVE and SEARCH for truth. I'm sorry, but God and I are friends. I may ask Him why He sends me down a certain path, but He doesn't have to answer. I love Him anyway and He knows what's best for me. He has never given me any reason to NOT trust His plan for my life. He has never let me down, hurt my children, called me names, stolen from me, cheated on me, or lied to me like alot of mortals I know.

12. I have been volunteering in a library. School kids come in and sit while the librarian tell them about a foreign country. Yah, it's a school library. Yah, they HAVE to be there. But NO, they do not have to be rude. I have just been shelving books and watch these kids (usually boys) just talk and talk loudly while the poor librarian is trying to share with the others; she tries to make it interesting, she tries her hardest to get them to pay attention. I lost it last week and asked the group of children to have some RESPECT for her. She cares about them! And they have no regard for her at all. Those kids' parents would be mortified if they saw how their children were treating my librarian friend.

13. Those who complain ALL the time! Nothing positive EVER escapes their lips. Especially coworkers you are trapped with for several hours at a time with this condition. Father in Heaven, PLEASE deliver me!

UhOh...wait a minute!! Didn't I just spend the last 30 minutes whining? Does that mean I drive MYSELF nutso?

Forget it. My brain hurts. :D Sorry for the rant. But I do feel MUCH better. Thanks for listening.

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