Monday, December 17, 2007

Guys, ghosts and dreaming

So much running through my head as I sit here at 4-ablinkin-thirty in the morning.

Why can't relationships ever stay the same? I love MG...don't get me wrong. It's just that life has fallen into such a "rut". Maybe I'm not putting enough effort into it. I'm busy cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, finishing quilts, doing schoolwork, sleeping, appointments, deliveries, prenatals...sometimes I feel like I neglect him.
I think he's feeling the same way. Yesterday, he told me I was beautiful. I used to hear it about 10 times a day. Now, I'm down to once a week if I'm lucky. I haven't had a backrub in about 2 weeks. And I give one every night. So sometimes I guess I start feeling selfish.
And then I feel guilt. I shouldn't be in the relationship for what I can get out of it!
Argh. Maybe I'm just psycho.

I have a ghost in my house.
My ex doesn't call anymore. He knows I have MG here and that bugs him. And when he called the kids would want to talk to him and I had to say no. He writes once in awhile...
But his ghost hangs around. Just when I think the kids have forgotten and life is moving forward, one of them says something and the wounds are ripped open again.
I was taking clothes out of the drier and number 3 comes up behind me.

"Mom, when is Dad coming home?"

If you listen real carefully at this point, you can hear little pieces of my heart dropping to the floor of the laundry room. Why do my kids have to keep HURTING over this? Will it ever stop? Will they EVER forget? I know she's only 8...but he's been gone for over two years now.

"Baby, we've talked about this. Daddy can't EVER come home. Even if he wasn't in jail, he can't come home. And it's NOT because of you or anything we's because of his poor choices. He's dangerous, baby. I know you love him, but I can't trust him not to hurt you."

"Well, I miss him, Mom!"

I know, Sweetheart. I know.
I don't tell her this, but I miss him, too. Or I miss the man I THOUGHT he was...before I knew of the evil inside. I miss my life of not having to work, of not worrying about bills, I miss the new house we were buying, I miss the "fairy tale".

Like Elliot says in E.T. with an alien strapped to the front of his bike - "This is reality, Greg!"

Went to our old church yesterday. So many many memories. Kids are happy there. We get lots of hugs and as I sat in the pew listening to the choir's Holiday performance, my heart was up there with them. Unfortunately, my body can't be. I dream of being able to go back to leading worship, singing in the choir and on the praise team, such as it is.
But I can't.
At least not now.
Trying to practice while watching four kids make laps of the sanctuary and holler that they are hungry, bored, thirsty, etc. is just impossible.
Then there's the whole "being a Christian example" thing. I don't think I am living a life that is conducive to holding a leadership role. I'm not that "good".
Or like I said...Maybe I'm just psycho.

Well, maybe I'll go play Jew*lQu*st for awhile and try to get sleepy again. It's kind of a mindless game - between that and a bunch of praying, maybe I'll get another hour of shuteye before the day starts.

Thanks for listening. I you had a choice. :D


Donetta said...

I am so sorry it is hurting so badly. Stay with clean hands and keep walking .Please use great wisdom with MG. You are in a very vonerable time of life right now. You must be selfish for yourself and the children.

Donetta said...

Ask her why she wants her daddy maybe she is feeling uncomfortable. The familiar not matter how difficult is sometimes seemingly safer than the alternative.