Sunday, March 08, 2015

Have I learned my lesson?

So many triumphs in the last week! I am bubbling over!
I've had some issues with my drivers license....
Too many tickets. Suspension ~ It's been bad.  Having to ride the bus or beg rides from others has been tough.  Especially when trying to get kids to appts...doctor, therapy, picking up meds.  Even getting groceries.  It has felt like prison, really.
But I got it back!  All straightened out!  Got the car repaired with the help of gracious friends and my tax return.  So...
I AM FREE!
The immense relief and overwhelming gratitude to those who have been there for me sometimes leaks out my eyes as happy tears.
Now I will be good.

Right!?!

I find myself battling the rebellious spirit.  Drive fast, stay out too late.
Not good -

And a relationship....
with an amazingly handsome man.
I AM TERRIFIED.
They have all walked out.
Every
Last
One
So why, oh why, do I keep trying?
He sweeps me off my feet.  Melts me into a puddle.  Makes me smile.  The thrill, the excitement, the feeling that I am beautiful and worth loving.
When I should feel that within myself...not relying on the opinions of others.
In the "Land of As-it-Should-Be", I guess.

I promised myself and my kids - no more.  I'm done!  Done with the hurt.  Done with becoming attached and being hurt when it ends.
But I can't help myself.
I'm crazy.
and free...
and scared out of my wits...
and excited...
and amazed at the wonder of it all.

Viewing life from a different perspective, it seems.

Saturday, February 07, 2015

Recap

2014 was quite the year.

  • I got a new tattoo - Faith, Hope, Love
  • I got a new "daughter" - Son got engaged to a wonderful girl with a heart of gold.
  • I loved and lost and pretty much gave up on having a partner in this life.  Filed for divorce after one year of being married to someone for convenience, fell in love with someone after that and he chose someone else, then decided I will not be trying anymore. I don't think anyone will ever be able to handle my life with three special needs kids.
  • Made the toughest decision of my life to give up one of my precious jewels to be cared for by someone else because I could not keep her safe.  I have no idea how I will change my situation enough to get her back but I pray every day that God will miraculously work it out.
  • Stopped going to church because I found I was serving to keep the "pastor" from getting angry rather than serving God.  I miss my church family and missing that connection with other believers but have not been able to bring myself to begin the search.
  • Worked for the same company for the entire year.  So many adventures and new opportunities.  Got to drive a silage truck in a corn field and learned how to dump it.  Almost wrecked it a couple times (in the same day) but managed to hold it together.  
  • Lost another 50 pounds (+ or -, wasn't really keeping track).
  • Lost my driver's license - uninsured accident - only another month till I get it back.  So have been riding the bus, begging rides from others and learning a very tough, expensive lesson.
  • Have survived a year of parenting four teenagers (or almost teenagers) with mental health issues.  ALL FOUR are now on some kind of psych med. #1 = depression, #2 = depression, ADD, ASD and superventricular tachycardia. #3 = depression, suicidal, cutting, Trauma-induced DID, gender dysphoria, SID and ASD. #4 = depression, ASD, SID, anxiety disorder, gender dysphoria, OCD and anorexia.     I love them so much.   This hurts.   Some days I am totally overwhelmed.  But so far, I have made it through.
  • Through the challenges, I am blessed to be able to recognize how blessed I am.  I have so many friends who back me up and lift me up and cheer me up.
I really miss writing.  It feels so good to write.  If I had a New Year resolution, it would be to write more.  But the reality is that I probably won't.  With full-time work, full-time caring for kids and sleeping every once in awhile...time is a precious commodity.  Maybe someday this will get easier.  Maybe someday...

Howdy, Ya'll!

The beginning of a new year!
In a few days, my oldest will be 21. My youngest will be 13 and my two middles will be 16 and 17.
Where does the time go?

The two youngest....they are as tall as I am!

Wow...they are so beautiful!  And the humor!

I love this crew!

My girls