Sunday, August 23, 2015


I'm not looking for sympathy or "atta-girls". I've simply found myself reminiscing about my life and spending the afternoon giving myself up to the way things are. Looking at it from a different angle to try to gain some perspective.
There are some things I have wanted in this life so badly I was willing to do almost anything to achieve those goals.
Emphasis on "almost".
That's when the time comes to look at what my priority is, was and always shall be.
And that's when the time comes to give up what I "want" and do what I know is the right thing to do.
Doesn't mean it isn't tough. Sometimes feels like more than I can take.
Doesn't mean I don't still long for "what might have been". Sometimes the longing almost overtakes me.
Doing what you have to do is hard. Doing the right thing is hard.
But at night, when I think of lost dreams, lost chances and lost people, there is a place I get to where I just have to breathe and let them go; give myself up to the way things are, so to speak.
So I'm working on having faith that there will be joy in the that there will be those who stand with me when I am feeling that, no matter what, there ARE blessings to be found if I clear my head and heart and look around some.
I doubt that anyone will ever read this. But if it happens - Thank you. Thanks for caring enough about me to take the time to try to understand. It means more than you know.

Sunday, March 08, 2015

Have I learned my lesson?

So many triumphs in the last week! I am bubbling over!
I've had some issues with my drivers license....
Too many tickets. Suspension ~ It's been bad.  Having to ride the bus or beg rides from others has been tough.  Especially when trying to get kids to, therapy, picking up meds.  Even getting groceries.  It has felt like prison, really.
But I got it back!  All straightened out!  Got the car repaired with the help of gracious friends and my tax return.  So...
The immense relief and overwhelming gratitude to those who have been there for me sometimes leaks out my eyes as happy tears.
Now I will be good.


I find myself battling the rebellious spirit.  Drive fast, stay out too late.
Not good -

And a relationship....
with an amazingly handsome man.
They have all walked out.
So why, oh why, do I keep trying?
He sweeps me off my feet.  Melts me into a puddle.  Makes me smile.  The thrill, the excitement, the feeling that I am beautiful and worth loving.
When I should feel that within myself...not relying on the opinions of others.
In the "Land of As-it-Should-Be", I guess.

I promised myself and my kids - no more.  I'm done!  Done with the hurt.  Done with becoming attached and being hurt when it ends.
But I can't help myself.
I'm crazy.
and free...
and scared out of my wits...
and excited...
and amazed at the wonder of it all.

Viewing life from a different perspective, it seems.