Apparently I haven't learned my lesson

It's amazing to me how God works things for His good.

Just when I start to think I've seen it all, done it all, been hurt by it all...The enemy comes up with something new and painful.  I mean...NEW as in "never even imagined I would ever be in this situation" new and PAINFUL as in "I can't think of many other things in my life that have hurt worse than this".

For instance, when I discovered the man I had a serious relationship with two years ago was an alcoholic, it blew me away.  I have never had to deal with alcoholic.  I've never had to watch another's pain like that and have to decide "is this what I want for the rest of my life?".  And I learned and grew and moved on.

The last two weeks, I am learning about mental illness as my beloved child and I sit in an emergency room for the fifth day (yes, F-I-V-E, 5) waiting for an adolescent acute psych bed to become available.
How do we go from talented 12-year old girl who dresses in oversized male clothing to 13-year old still-talented girl who wears tight clothes and can't live two seconds without her boyfriend?

Unfortunately, along with the Aspergers, bulimia, cutting, boyfriend-addictive behavior and sensory issues have blossomed into hallucinations...yah, creatures, snakes, spiders and foxes so far...so real she can touch them and feel them touching her.  One type of the humanoid creatures (there are two, btw.  I am getting to know them fairly intimately after staying in a small ER room with her and them for five days) has been telling her to kill herself.

We are here because I caught her standing in the middle of a busy street...and she doesn't remember being there.  And we need these humanoid creatures to shut up.  And I need to make sure my babygirl is safe.

So I, myself, resemble insanity...talking to creatures who aren't there.  It can sometimes be humorous, but more often than not is terrifying for her.

She wants out of here.  I want out of here.  Please, Dear God, have mercy on us. I could have gone my entire lifetime without this "life experience".

So much has happened....

I miss my blog...
Really! I do!
with no Internet at home, writing has become a luxury.

OK, I guess I COULD write them off-line then publish them, huh?
If I had a brain...
which I do, but unfortunately, due to menopause and resulting insomnia, said brain has refused to cooperate with me most days.

OK, every day.
This past week, my life has done a 180 and I'm facing a whole new future.

Had to take a leave of absence from midwifery.
I know, it sucks. But after excitedly awaiting the completion of my practical experience and the promise of a partnership to follow my licensure, I was deemed to have "gaps in my knowledge" and instructed to study more before attempting to sit for the written NARM exam.

I couldn't face another year of existing below poverty level...for my children and for myself.
So I got a job...

Yep! a 8 - 430, Monday thru Friday, honest-to-goodness J-O-B. It's only seasonal, but one never knows...and it will help dig us out of a hole. Dispatching trucks delivering potting soil.
It could be fun, really. It involves two of my favorite things...trucks and talking. Just sayin'....

Also, I got married this week.
legally....tied....the....knot

He's sweet, kids love him, 10 years younger than I (I think that classifies me as a cougar), and he can cook!
He's also disabled and has hepatitis C.

Catch your breath...**PANT PANT**

It's not that bad, really. He will have to undergo a year of interferon treatments soon, but for right now...we just have to be very careful with anything "wet and not ours" as they say in EMT class.

Now, for tribe updates...
#1 has now graduated from high school and will start college Spring term.
...For what profession, you ask? excellent question! He doesn't know, actually. I think God is calling him to the ministry...we shall see if he heeds that call.

#2 has played musical schools but is now back in Chaotic Charter School. Diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD, anxiety, tachycardia and an amazing abiding faith in God, she can be awesome or horrible depending on the hour of day. She will be 15 in June and, folks, the idea of her DRIVING with her attention span is enough to make me completely gray-haired.

#3 is also attending Chaotic Charter School. Declared disabled with Aspergers, anxiety and depression, she has a boyfriend that I cannot stand yet tolerate so I can keep a constant vigil on them. They are amazingly physically demonstrative for their age and I'm thinking of calling the whole thing off. At 13, she should not have to worry about him "cheating on her" or have someone clinging to her for complete emotional stability.
Which is probably why I now sit in a hospital emergency room with her. Waiting for an adolescent psych bed to become available in the nearby big city. Battling the creatures that grab at her and tell her to kill herself. The spiders, snakes and foxes are fairly easy to deal with, but the black creatures are formidable opponents as I challenge them for my daughter's sanity.

#4 goes to the Small Town Public School and is in 5th grade. Diagnosed with Aspergers, anxiety, depression and Sensory Integration Disorder. Looking forward to outdoor school. Which I have volunteered to go to...
Before I got this job, that is.
Before her sister mentally snapped, that is.


Turn in my Mommy License again!!

Wait...I don't have one...

So here I sit... "Lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

I'm trying, God, I'm trying...