Sunday, April 06, 2014

Why not me...

So the new husband moved out a few weeks ago.  Seems I didn't pay him enough attention.
His words, not mine.  And working two jobs to support us all while parenting two special needs teens and two teens that are...well...not very self-sufficient, didn't leave me much time for him.  I will admit that.

Anyway -
He has a new girlfriend.  Already.
Don't feel badly.  I don't.  He's been trying to find one for about 9 months now via the internet.
Hey, maybe he'll be happy.

What I want to know is why he gets to find someone to hang out with, cuddle, talk to so quickly.  And me?
Any offers I have had since he left have been along the lines of "temporary recreation", if you get my drift.

Uhhhh NOT

My theory has always been that men my age are single for a reason.
I wish I could find one who's "reason" would be compatible with my life so I wouldn't have to sit here alone.
So far, it's been a common theme with all my relationships - I don't give them enough attention.  Well, darnit, what I need is a partner not another child.
Is that too much to ask?         Apparently.  For here I sit, feeling rejected and depressed.

NOT that I want husband back...too many lies for me to ever believe a word that comes out of that person's mouth.  I won't go into the web of deception that has destroyed any trust I might have had in him.

People say "Let Jesus be your husband"....or "some of us were just meant to be single"... or "you're better off without him"...
The plain honest truth is that I don't know how.  I don't know how to be alone.
The reality is that I'm learning...I'm doing it.
I was so scared when he left.  Not of him leaving...but of how I was going to be able to do everything alone.  Work, kids' appointments, dinner, dishes, laundry, cleaning house, maintenance, car repairs.

And I'm doing it.  I go to bed exhausted each night and sometimes things aren't perfectly clean.  But I can sleep at night without having to keep an eye on him or dodge elbows and listen to yelling (he was a super horrible sleeper).  And my kids are calmer because I am and because they don't have to worry about him coming in drunk or high.

But I still wish - someone would love me.  A handsome man would sweep me off my feet, bring me flowers, laugh with me, hold me when I cry, dance with me and hold me up when I feel I can't go on any longer.

Why not me?  I'm not all that bad looking.  I'm kind and generous.  I can cook halfway decently.

Why not me?  What is so wrong with me?  Why do they keep leaving?  After three husbands and four or five serious boyfriends - one starts to I that bad at picking men or is the problem - ME?

Till I get it figured out, I stagger on.  Pray for me that I will endure those moments of overwhelming, depressive loneliness with grace.  And maybe, someday, God would see His way clear to bringing me someone who will be in it for the long haul - not "until he gets bored".

Bless You

#3 sneezes. .."bless you!"
#1 sneezes. .."bless you!"
Mom sneezes. ..silence. ..
"Uh...hello? I could use some blessing here!"
#3 - "Mom, God has already blessed you!"
BIG SMILES! dern right! Four of the best ones are sitting right in this room!
I love my crew...

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Surprised by "Frozen"...

#4 asked for the movie "Frozen" for her birthday.  It didn't come out till the 18th and I've been a little busy so...Yah...I just got it yesterday.  
Watched it four times before bed and she left it playing in my room all night...repeatedly.  The volume was down, but still...
So I've been near this playing movie probably a total of a dozen times in the last 18 hours and missed the last 10 minutes EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Cuz I'm a little ADD...I have a tough time sitting still that long. And I have to do grownup stuff like cook, clean, answer the door, etc.

Now that I've FINALLY gotten to see the ending, I have a few observations;
1) I am a poor judge of character.  Of course, I've known that since the kids' father was arrested, but I argued with #4 through the entire movie ..."Hans cannot be BAD!  He's so sweet to her, handsome, caring..."                      Yup, I was wrong.
2) I laughed when Ana punched him at the end.  And cheered.  Because sometimes, you don't get the chance to do that to someone who almost kills you.
3) I love the fact that this "Kid's movie" teaches little girls what a SUPER HUGE BAD VERY TERRIBLE idea it is to fall in "love" with someone in one day...that it takes time to get to know someone before you jump into a relationship.
4) I can SO relate to Elsa...after accidentally hurting her sister, she secludes herself from everyone she loves for fear of hurting someone again.  The loneliness must have been horrible.
5) Elsa sings like Barbara Streisand....seriously!
6) May I say I just ADORE Olaf, the snowman.  Ana says "I don't know what love is..."  He replies "That's ok!  I DO! It's when you put someone else's needs before your own."  TRUTH!  AND he models love in the fact that he sticks by Ana even when his own life is in danger from the fire.  
    His child-like wonder at new and amazing things makes me smile, as well.
7) The first thing I hear out of everyone's mouth is (shocked horror) "OMG...It's a MUSICAL!"  Ummm...So?  That's what makes this movie INcredible for me.  Cuz I...Love....Music.  And they do too...which is what makes me say "Hmmmm".
8) The way Kristoff does voices for the Reindeer?  Cracked me up!  Because you could just LOOK at the reindeer's face and see that what Kristoff was saying was exactly what Sven was thinking.  I wish I had someone who could read my mind like that...
9) The only thing I kinda had an issue with is the fact that, in the end, the fairy tale story finale is "LOVE CONQUERS ALL AND CAN FIX ANYTHING".  I am living proof that this theory is baloney.

 If love fixed everything, then my children's father wouldn't have abused our daughters and gone to prison after 16 years of marriage.
If love fixed everything, my #3 wouldn't be in and out of mental hospitals.  
If love fixed everything, #4 wouldn't have OCD, SID and severe anxiety, #1 wouldn't be depressed and would have someone to love him and #2 wouldn't have ADD and be addicted to "internet relationships".
If love fixed everything, he wouldn't have left me....and he wouldn't have left me....and he wouldn't have left me...and he wouldn't have left me.
If love fixed everything, C wouldn't have left with him....and T would have beat that cancer. My two best friends in the world...gone.
If love fixed everything, people dear to me wouldn't turn to alcohol and drugs to numb their pain.

I wish it did.  But that's the true "fairy tale" part.