Unlicensed Mommy

Where I'm from...Again

2009-08-23T19:11:00.000-07:00

I did this meme when I first started blogging. Hard to believe that was two-thousand Six! Coming up on my third Blog birthday here.
Anyway, I've thought and thought about WHY I am the way I am. Many people call me eclectic - an anathema - a study in contradictions. I'm asked "Why do you do this or act this way after you were raised just the opposite?"
Because I try to learn my lessons. I try to act grown up and responsible. But sometimes...that little three-year-old girl peeks out and wants to play. She tries to be good, she really does! It's just when someone says "NO-NO" she wants to know "But why?" or she yells "Uh-huh! I can SO!"

So here's where I'm from...

I'm from a teeny small town where everyone knows your name and the reputation that goes along with that name. Where you can't escape that reputation no matter how bad you are...or how good you are. Because that's how your family is...and who your family is. You can stand on a mountain top and scream at the top of your lungs "BUT THAT'S NOT ME!!" and no one will hear you - it just floats away on the wind.

I'm from being alone in a crowd of people and never feeling quite like I fit in anywhere. Half a mile to the school and no one on the bus will let me sit with them...even if they are sitting alone. I'm from wearing a dress always because of the church we went to - with services Wednesday nights and twice on Sunday unless you were running a fever or puking. And you had to prove it. No dances - not even a prom. Not smart enough for the honor society, not coordinated enough for the Jocks, not wasted enough for the Stoner crowd, not popular enough for the Cheerleaders.

I'm from making friends with people who were "different"...outcasts like me. The girl with the big buck teeth, the boy with all the pimples, the goofy one who's hair stuck out like a football helmet, the poor boy named Barry whom everyone called a Fairy. Those were the people I hung out with. Because I didn't and don't judge the book by it's cover.

I'm from believing that anyone handicapped was dangerous and scary and that you had to hide from Witnesses who came to the door. I'm from the land where every boy had something wrong with him - too loud, too quiet, too late, too touchy, too smart-mouth. I'm from being grounded for a month for being 30 seconds late and being grounded for three months for making a throw pillow for a friends' van because he gave me a ride to school. And, of course, he was a HE.

I'm from learning to mend, do laundry, cook, clean, preserve, bake, sew and pray. Because that's what good wives do. No one said that even if you do all that and do it perfectly - your husband still may not love you. I'm from Mom loves me, Dad loves me, Just Plain Gramma and Grampa love me no matter what I say, what I do or what I look like. So why won't everyone else in the world?

I'm from Commercial fishing with my father, Packing fish for the fish buyer, Driving pickups, Deer hunting with Dad, wood heat, a house with a cedar shake roof. I'm from sisterly fights, self-loathing, and being overweight. I'm from reading in the dark because I "went to bed to SLEEP, not READ". I'm from sneaking cigarettes at 15 and sneaking alcohol at 17 because I wanted to see what was so "evil" about them.

I'm from foster sisters and brothers, my parents taking in a family of seven for a year when our house had 3 bedrooms. Because those people needed us...it was the right thing to do. I'm from "yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir". I'm from washing all the walls and ceiling of the kitchen for seeing a rated R movie with my cousin at 14.

I'm from playing at my grandparents' houses and extended family get togethers at least once a month on a Sunday after church at my grandparents...Plywood sheet on sawhorses for a table. Kids crawling under the white tablecloth to steal olives from the cut crystal bowl. Auntie's potato salad, Great Gramma's Refrigerator yeast rolls, Plain Gramma's cooked chocolate pudding with the skin on top and homecanned tuna salad on wheat bread with real butter. I'm from my Gramma's hands permanently stained from weeding her one acre garden - fresh peas, baby carrots, corn on the cob, fighting with the deer for the ripe strawberries and snapdragon puppets.

I'm from sneaking cookies by tossing them out the second story kitchen window to my sister waiting below. I'm from dissecting slugs, rescuing starlings that had been shot, mixing eight different vitamin tablets and watching it eat through plastic, fried SPAM in Top Ramen, eating potatoes and fish because that's all we had. I'm from homemade birthday cakes and popcorn for dinner on Sunday nights cuz we had a big lunch after church. I'm from eating at the table and doing dishes by hand. And hating it.

I'm from old cars, a family dog named Ralph, QUIET during Lawrence Welk and the nightly news. I'm from wishing I could grow up faster, wishing I could slow down time, and wishing I could now go back and enjoy the time I had.

controlled insanity

2009-08-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

Otherwise known as PMS.
Yup. I've got it. Woke up with it this morning.
One of the benefits of being over 40 is knowing what is causing your unreasonableness (if that's a word?)...

Unreasonableness as in... Wanting to kill people for no reason.
or ripping everyone's head off because I stepped on something mushy on the kitchen floor.
or crying because someone used my favorite purple fuzzy super-sized towel as a BATHMAT!
or crying just because I had to wake up this morning, tearing up everytime I think about my LB.

Not to mention bad dreams. Weird odd psycho bad dreams. And I don't watch scary movies. EVER.
But I know when the hormones are hitting because my brain cooks up some doozies, let me tell ya'.

I'm doing a wedding this weekend. It ought to be fun. I usually don't go around telling people that I officiate at weddings. But I don't think my huge host of 3 readers will think I'm odd. They already know I'm crazy (see above.) This one is going to be a big fancy affair. The last one I did was a "Redneck Wedding" - they got married in Camo and baseball hats.

Kids are heading out to the Fair and Rodeo with Gramma and Grampa this weekend. Gonna take them to the zoo on Wednesday thanks to a generous donation from a friend. Our last Hurrah week before school starts.

Well, I have to go...someone is breathing too loud in the other end of the house and I have to go scream at them...

Don't know if I'm Simple or not...but here goes

2009-08-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

SAW THIS AND THOUGHT I WOULD GIVE IT A WHIRL...

Outside my window ~ I see the street, my van, bicycles in the yard. Would love to have a great view of a valley like my sister does...

I am thinking ~ That I wish I had my husband beside me and the kids were in bed. Hoping the next few months will be the last time I will have to be "single".

I am thankful for ~ a roof over my head, enough food to eat, good health for my children, a wonderful man who loves me, friends who are there when I need them and the skills God has given me that I can use to help others.

From the learning rooms ~ Never judge a book by it's cover. You can learn something from every interaction with another human or animal...no matter what your first impression is.

From the kitchen ~ Did brownies and low carb muffins for a friend before it got too hot today. Hamburger helper for dinner. Want to do some cookies for the kids tomorrow morning. Their favorite is chocolate chip peanut butter.

I am wearing ~ tank top and jeans. Wish I looked nice enough to wear dresses...it would be so much cooler.

I am creating ~ a costume for a friend. Thinking of a quilt...kind of in the design stages in my head right now. I want it to be special.

I am going ~ to take the kids to Gramma's this weekend. I am also going to do better next term in school. I really messed up this Summer.

I am reading ~ my latest Readers Digest. My dear beloved Gram got it for me for years as a Christmas gift. Now that she is gone, my auntie gets it for me. Also reading a true crime novel by an author I have never read before. I usually read Ann Rule.

I am hoping ~ that I will soon be able to marry the man I love; that I will raise my kids to know unconditional love, be responsible and avoid prejudice.

I am hearing ~ hum of the fan, click of the keyboard, a tv somewhere in the house, sweet encouraging words from my #3 kiddo and a cricket outside.

Around the house ~ children have friends over, roommate is teasing them, shuffling of kids getting settled for the night. Kambucha mushroom tea got started today and a sewing project in the works.

One of my favorite things ~ I can only pick one?!? My Loverboy is my favorite thing...My Womens devotional bible...my espresso machine...my sewing machine handed down from my mother.

A few plans for the rest of the week ~ kid's school is having a yard sale. Counseling appt.s for the kids. Taking them to gramma's to go see the rodeo.

Here is picture thought I am sharing ~Where I wanna be. My sweetheart fueling his truck. Riding with him in the truck is a blast for me. Reminds me of when I was a kid and got to go to work with my dad...I always felt so safe and important and special.

A Dusty Frame Giveaway #3

2009-08-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

My friend Lizzie at A Dusty Frame has posted another giveaway!
Elegant Rose has alot of wonderful "pamper yourself" kinds of bath products
that would make an hour or two in the bathtub seem like a day at the spa!

My favorite is the Almond Vanilla Brown Sugar scrub.
I have a tough time with rough, cracked feet.
I bet this would be just the ticket to making my skin feel and smell wonderful.

Go leave her a comment and get in on the giveaway.

Blessings to Liz on her Blog Birthday!

2009-08-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

GUESS WHAT?? GUESS WHAT??
My friend Lizzie at A Dusty Frame is having a Bloggy Birthday!!
Her blog is three years old! How cool is that???
She is having giveaways and sharing some super uplifting cards she has received.

Go on over and check it out when you have a minute.
Sign up for the give away items (VERY awesome stuff!) and let her know how much you appreciate her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, My friend!
You bless me!

PSSST Guess what I heard?

2009-08-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

Jordan at MamaBlogga is reviving the GWP (Group Writing Project). Got a sneak peak at the topic...
it's gonna be FUN!!
We are asked not to reveal our posts till monday, but if you want to participate, give her a shout and I'm sure she'll share!

I CAN'T WAIT!

cruddy mornin'

2009-07-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

Morning.
Won't say "good" cuz it hasn't been so far.
Gotta figure out how to get food for the weekend. Waffles I tried to make for breakfast didn't work out well and I used the last of the sugar to make them.
My Loverboy has decided to go back to work on the other side of the state instead of here with me. When he works, he drives truck for 12 - 18 hours a day 6 days a week. Which means unless I come up with the money for the trip, I don't get to see him. For a long time.
And I have PMS. Which magnifies everything times ten.

I'm trying a new reward system with the kids. Seems all I do is break up fights and tell whiny girls to hush.

So I've been getting this daily devotional in my emails for about the last week from
Purpose Driven Connection. Today's message was about change...freeing yourself from bad habits.

ummm, yah, got a few of THOSE.

"The fear of what we might discover if we honestly faced our character defects keeps us living in the prison of denial. Yet, we often build our identities around our defects. We say, “It’s just like me to be” and “It’s just the way I am.” The unconscious worry is that if I let go of my habit, my hurt, or my hang-up, who will I be? This fear can definitely slow down your growth.

Only as God is allowed to shine the light of his truth on our faults, failures, and hang-ups can we begin to work on them. This is why you cannot grow without a humble, teachable attitude."

Attitude, huh? What about FEAR?
The fear of the unknown...as in "what in the heck will I do with myself if I don't have this habit in my life?"
The fear of what OTHER horrible habit I might pick up if I didn't have this one that "isn't so bad".
The fear of the withdrawals.
The fear that without some kind of stress reliever, I will crack.

Now...assuming I could conquer the fear, how do I grow the attitude? I am more than humble; my self esteem, in fact, is lower than an earthworm's belly. But often I am not so teachable. How do I get there?
I know better than to ASK for it. Because if I have learned nothing, I have learned that God doesn't just GIVE it, he TEACHES it to us through life experiences.
And I don't want to be taught to be teachable. That could only hurt.

I know the verse about How God does not give us a spirit of fear so I know where my fear comes from. But I also know how big it is.

MORNING!

2009-07-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

OK, it's a little to early to be that loud. But I actually feel halfway positive this morning.

It's a good thing, I guess.

Feel like i'm getting caught up a little on my homework. Still got bills I can't pay, but HEY, that's my life!

Got woke up early when the Rescue Pager went off just before 6. An energetic LOL was out for her morning walk and fell. Poor dear. She was SOOOoooo embarrassed!
But better to be safe than sorry so we checked her out. Chief and I were the only ones who showed up so we went with it. Two EMT Basics against the world, hoping against hope that things wouldn't go south. Turns out one of our first responders lived right where she fell so we had help on scene. WHEW. She decided she just wanted her friend to drive her to the ER anyway.

Well, kids are stirring. Do have to tell you one funny before I go, though. Last night we were having a sit down dinner together. Was #2's idea ... we don't do it very often. It was nice! ANYWAY, #3 says "WOW, I've got a mosquito bite and it's BIG. Almost feels like a monkey bump." (I don't know if you dealt with those when you were a kid but it's when someone thumps you hard enough with their knuckle to raise a bump on your muscle.)
#4 sits up and looks at her with these HUGE eyes and exclaims "SISTER, WHEN have YOU been feeling a monkey's BUM?!?"
Ok, Ok, it struck me funny. I couldn't talk for about ten minutes, tears streaming down my face. We all had a good giggle over that one!

I'm feeling better!

2009-07-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

Not 100%, but better.
Still struggling to catch up on my homework...don't even know if that is a possibility at this point.
Was cleaning my room and found a check for $40 that I had forgotten about so at least I will have gas money to get through the weekend.
Still have to work on the cell ph bill and the electric bill...but Loverboy keeps telling me to trust God; that God will provide for me.

I know he's right. But I have such little faith. I'm still scared, still lonely, still worried.
Why can't I just leave it with God? I know I'm a rotten child. I do not in any way, shape or form deserve rewards. But my kids... Surely God will provide for them.

That's what I'm asking for anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Number four funny of the day -

She crawls up next to me in bed this morning.
"Mom, were you married to our Father?"
"Yes, Squirrel. For fifteen years. Why?"
"I just wondered. What happened?"
"Well, we got a divorce."
"What's a divorce?"
"When you file a paper with a court and end your marriage."
"WELL, THAT is AGAINST the RULES!"
"oh Really!? what are these "rules"?
"#1. you get to be sixteen and you get a boyfriend.
#2 is you go out for awhile and then you get engaged.
#3 is when you marry them.
#4 is that you always talk nice.
#5 is that when you get mad, you work things out,
and #6 is that you are supposed to stay married forever, usually."

Now. Forever...and usually? I may be a redneck, but don't they call that an oxymoron or something like that?
Other than the age issue, she did have some good points, though. I'm just sayin'...

Got to PLAY in a helicopter!!

2009-07-17T19:31:00.000-07:00

Got to go play on Life Flight for Drill Wednesday night.
At the risk of sounding like an excited five-year-old...

IT WAS VERY COOL!

No, this is NOT an ad for Aquafina bottled water.
Looking up from where they load the patient in...

And I just HAD to include this picture. It CRACKED me up!
Right after I got a chuckle over the "No Smoking" sticker just above the patient compartment on the inside of the chopper, I moved around to the tail section and saw this...

DANGER?!?!
No kidding! Yah THINK?

Trying to pull myself out of a funk...

2009-07-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

Confessions of an old delinquent. Sorry, but I am lonely and I don't have anyone else to talk to.

Have to go to court tomorrow. My third and fourth tickets.
Speeding a couple of months ago.
Seatbelt last month.
Expired tags and broken windshield this month.

What is wrong with me? I can't afford to pay these and still take care of my kids! Yet how can I ask anyone for help with them when these tickets were MY fault? My idiocy. The way I'm going, I'm going to lose my driver's license. Then what will I do? How will I take care of the kids or go to college or anything without a license?

Speaking of college...starting the fourth week of the term. It's almost half over and I've barely started. One class I still don't have books for! My financial aid hasn't come through yet. The load is crushing. I'm at the point where I just want to throw up my hands and give up.

Gonna lose my cell phone next week. The garbage won't get picked up tomorrow. The electricity is due next week. The TV has been disconnected. Car insurance is a pipe dream.

At least housing pays 100% of my rent. So we'll have a roof over our heads.

I TRY so hard to be positive, to believe that God will provide. I don't care about myself. But surely He will take care of my kids. I try to believe. But I'm still scared.

Yes, I've gotten myself into this mess. I'm sure I will survive. But it's not fun. And I never seem to learn. It just happens over and over again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, now that you have endured that morose diatribe...

I was outside for a few minutes and #4 comes out all huffy.
"MOM, #2 is being mean!"
"And what is new about that? every time I'm out of earshot, she starts picking on you guys."

"Well, THIS TIME, she has Just OutDONE herself!!"
Quite a sentence for a seven-year-old

When you can't think of what to say...

2009-07-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me say that my sisters and I ARE normal, despite photographical evidence to the contrary. And NO we are not flipping you off! Ever heard of Fonzie? Arthur Fonzarelli? Happy Days? Well, if you haven't, you won't understand and if you have, all I can say is "AAYyyyyyyy!"

Connected with someone this week I haven't seen in 24 years. I was just two years older than I am in this picture. Teenage love. I've looked for him to the best of my capabilities often over the years. Wondered what happened to him...if he was happy...had he found someone who would love him and take care of him like he deserved?

Good old Fa*eBo*k! One day I get this message and it just feels like I've been punched! All I can say is "WOW! WOW! WOW!"

Not very often I'm speechless, so enjoy it while you can! He and I have so much to catch up on, I'm sure it won't last long....

HELPPPPPP!!

2009-07-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

I am trying to play a load of .wav files. It's my medical transcription class.
Nothing works! The error message I keep getting says that the "codec used to compress them is not supported".
I've exchanged the disk already and cannot get another one...

HELP! What can I do?

Heard of Blog2print?

2009-07-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever tried this? Saw the ad on F*ceBo*k and I wondered how they could fit approximately 700 blog posts into one 20 page Book? Maybe I wouldn't want ALL my posts in there anyway...
Some of them aren't worth remembering.

Unloading the pain in my head

2009-07-11T16:12:00.001-07:00

Standing in the kitchen in my nightgown baking cookies at 11am, it felt like it was gonna be a lazy day. When I hear my fire pager go off, I am dressed in 30 seconds flat and at a dead run out the door.
An Accident. Very serious. Semi truck involved. Crud...

After sprinting into the station and hoppin into the forty pound fire outfit, I'm grateful for five minutes to catch my breath as we scream lights-and-sirens for the intersection out in the country.

Radio call - "Medic enroute"
Dispatch response - "Copy. One confirmed D.O.A."

OH. NO. I want to go home now. Stop this rig and let me off.
but I suck it up and swallow the fear as we roll up. Blocking the highway. Big blue semi truck sits straight in the lane, driver's side fender crushed in. Not alot of damage...maybe...
But no, over there in the field. A small brown wad of metal that used to be a car.
He's cool as I touch his neck...so pale. I want to shake him and wake him up. You're just a teenager...25 at the most! Wake up! Wake up!

As I draw back and we cover him from the view of the backed up traffic, someone sees them.

The turn out pants scrunched down around the steel-toed boots.
The fire helmet.
The navy Fire Dept sweatshirt of a neighboring town.

I turn away quickly and find the truck driver. He's trying to photograph everything with the disposable camera his company gave him for just such a situation. He's been told to "use it up" and he's doing his best. Concentrating on it so he won't see...won't hear...won't feel.

"hey, I'm Janean with the Rescue. Do you hurt anywhere?"
Wrenched his back a little, but he insists he's fine.
I rest my hand on his back to feel for deformity or tenderness as he hangs his head. "are you SURE you are OK?"
The head of the big tough truck driver leans over onto my shoulder as the tears threaten. "I couldn't stop! I couldn't do anything! He was going so fast!" In a voice choked with emotion, he tries to explain.

But it doesn't matter what happened. A firefighter is gone. Someone's parents are crying tonight. And the fire/EMS service system in our valley is in shock. It hurts.

Please, God, be with them all.

FOR SALE...

2009-07-11T16:07:00.000-07:00

Anybody interested in a great old 1963 Dodge PU? Would make an awesome project rig! Check out the listing HERE - need to sell it to cover funeral expenses.

Great two minute birth video! BABIES

2009-06-26T12:56:00.001-07:00

OK, you all know I assist at home births. But I don't push it much. Not a FANATIC militant midwife, just a "let's have the choice" type midwife.
But I saw this and HAD to share it with you.
Set to the tune "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" it points out options and choices.
**Disclaimer - Some na*ed n*p*ples in here, but nothing any more graphic than that.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Another "turn in my mommy license" moment...

2009-06-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

She made a list. Don't know where.
Maybe at the counselor's office.
Maybe sitting in the car.
Maybe at school. I don't know.

Her sister found it in the car today.

#3's list of What Would Make Me Happy!
Of course, there is an entry like "Being able to buy my family a Wii."
And about six other lines.

But the one about halfway down the page caught my eye.

"I want my mom to be happy."

wow.

Summer term starts tomorrow...

2009-06-21T22:40:00.001-07:00

I have NO books and no money and cannot reach the financial aid office.
The possibility of getting behind the first week is stressing me out BIGTIME.

Prayers please?

Wonder if this will work for ME?

2009-06-21T22:17:00.001-07:00

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

EWSS - 6 Does God Love me?

2009-06-12T11:34:00.001-07:00

Your going to notice that there is no entry five.
If it matters to you. And I realize that there is an entire possibility that no one in the world will ever read this besides me.

number 5 was about creating a timeline and looking back to see how your past experiences have prepared you for where you are today.
I am VERY aware of that phenomenon. And wasn't quite sure how to do a timeline on here.
But you get the gist of the whole thing.

So here's the questions for day six. I'm actually a couple days ahead of this one, but haven't had the time to sit down here and write for awhile.

What do the words "captured by God's love" mean to you? Do they generate a mental image of servitude or a more romantic picture of being pursued by someone who's in love with you?
I have never experienced "being pursued". I am always the pursu-er. Which does get tiring. And also tends to make one's self esteem lower than a snakes belly on a flood plain. When I want to spend time with a friend, 98% of the time, I have to take the initiative. What would it be like to have someone say, "Janean, please come with me? Let's go shopping. Let's have coffee. I just want to be with you because I love you."
NOT SAYING it's NEVER happened...LB is very good at trying to convince me that he just wants me for ME. But I haven't been entirely persuaded yet, shall we say.
All that to say that I guess I would have to say "captured", to me, means Servitude until Love happens. Serving because I HAVE to, until my feelings and emotions become so involved that I find myself serving because I WANT to.
Hope that makes sense...

Does the idea of being captured by God's love have a positive or negative connotation for you?
It scares me. Just being honest and up front. But change scares me. And insecurity. And not being in control. To be "captured by His love" would mean surrender...giving up everything and only keeping what He allows me to keep.

What do you naturally turn your affections to when you're under stress or duress? How can you rediscover your affection for God? When I am under stress, I want coffee. And sleep. AND my mommy. And Loverboy. And yes, I do turn to God. I'm getting much better at doing that early on, before the poo gets too deep, you know? Just saying, oh Lord, I can't handle this. I don't know what to do. HELP!
My challenge with this chapter was not relating to God in either of the ways mentioned. I don't view Him as a Father figure and I don't view Him Romantically. I have a wonderful earthly father and putting my Lord in a "romantic light" somehow cheapens the relationship that He and I have. It's hard to describe. Maybe some aspects of mentor ship? big brother-y? The friend who knows EVERYTHING about you and would NEVER let you down?

I had a vision once. Yah, I know. I'm weird.
My eyes were closed and I saw Him sitting down and holding out His arms to me. I am small, 3-4 year old child sized and He looks so grown up.
With a little smile, I climb up on His lap. And I lay my head on His chest.
He wraps His arms around me and smooths my hair down, rocking me a little.
Such a vivid mental image, I can feel the heat of his chest against my cheek and hear his heart under my ear.
I twine my arms around His waist and just lay there. For as long as I want.
No one telling me to HURRY UP, it's THEIR turn!
Safe. Sanctuary.
Nothing can hurt me while I am here.

He loves me. He loves ME. Just me. Don't have to do or be or say or feel a certain way to make him love me or to keep his love.
I just be there.

It's awesome. And if that makes me crazy, just make my reservation at Shady Acres now. I'm sure there's a waiting list...

writing

2009-06-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

When I tell people why I write...they look at me like I'm insane.
Which I am...but that's beside the point, you know.

Most people see writing as a chore. "I don't know what to say!" "It can be used in evidence against me someday!" "What's the use?" "Only if I have to for school!"

I write for the sake of writing. Because if feels good. It's cheaper than alcohol. Definitely cheaper than a psychologist. And if someone doesn't like what I write, they can just stop reading.

vs me following them around yelling, for instance.

I wish that I could do some good with what I write. I dream of making a difference someday with the words that I put on paper (or on the screen, as the case may be).

Please don't read my stuff because you think you have to.
Please don't read my stuff because you think I might be talking about you. I might be...but I usually use pseudonyms, so don't worry.
Please DON'T read my stuff because you think I might be trying to send you some kind of subliminal message.

If it's important to me, I'll come right out and say it.
And if I have already popped right out and told you how I feel....THEN I write about it? Well, at least it ain't no surprise.

Had something on my heart last night.
It was very heavy. Won't bother to explain my whole theory about what causes these things. Suffice it to say that I just couldn't get it to leave. Couldn't shake it.

Is it important enough to start a "discussion" over?
Has it all been said before?
Would my saying anything change the situation?

in reality, probably not.

So I wrote. Old fashioned pencil and paper. Chose poetry style.
five pages later, I fell asleep.
But this time, it didn't work. It helped...it did. Doesn't bother me quite so much.

With no classes? Guess I just have too much time to think.
And too much time to hurt.
too much time alone.

Think I'll go take a nap...

My Dad-in-love

2009-06-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

Last week, he went to the hospital. Double pneumonia.
I'd been working on the shirt. But with class and flu and kids and rescue...I hadn't gotten the snaps on yet.

You've never seen a lady apply snaps so fast.
Please, please, God...don't let him go without the shirt.
I know...it's silly. But it mattered to me very, very much.

Wild and crazy, I drove five hours and took it to the hospital. Got there at midnight. Lied to the nurse and said I was his daughter-in-law. Turns out, I'm his daughter-in-love. Same diff.
But the nurses were cool about it once they found out.
Sat with him for awhile that night and visited him again in the morning.

Thursday he went home.
This is him in the car. LB took the shirt to the hospital for him to wear home.
And he thought I'd like to have a picture of the event.

Would I? That picture is precious to me.
Second only to wishin' I could have been there.

And wishin with every fiber of my being that I was there with them now.

FREE Type Kit! LOOK

2009-06-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

I got a notification email from Caring Bridge website of a girl the same age as my #2 who has been battling leukemia.

She directed her readers to a site where one can register for Marrow Donation. Usually it costs $50 for the kit to do the tissue typing (although it is tax-deductible).
However, June 8 - 22 the kits are FREE while supplies last!

What an incredible opportunity to help someone!
Go do it...it just takes a couple minutes and you could save a life.

an email I would never send to my honey...

2009-06-08T21:08:00.000-07:00

because HE'D DO THEM ALL AND MORE! he definitely keeps life interesting and fun.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice! (ok, I've DONE this, but only as a test. You know...NO SERIOUSLY, I really was! Stop laughing!)

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. !

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, ! Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Mar*ju*na". (ok, maybe not!)

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. (only ONE problem with this one. All my extra skin flaps. NOT a pretty sight and it sounds funny, too!)

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-thru Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. (except don't do it to me. I'd cry)

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' (Me? I'd scream "It's a MIRACLE!")

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'(wouldn't do this one either...but it kinda makes you giggle to think about it.)

Now to TOTALLY destroy your positive image of me...