Have I learned my lesson?

So many triumphs in the last week! I am bubbling over!
I've had some issues with my drivers license....
Too many tickets. Suspension ~ It's been bad.  Having to ride the bus or beg rides from others has been tough.  Especially when trying to get kids to appts...doctor, therapy, picking up meds.  Even getting groceries.  It has felt like prison, really.
But I got it back!  All straightened out!  Got the car repaired with the help of gracious friends and my tax return.  So...
I AM FREE!
The immense relief and overwhelming gratitude to those who have been there for me sometimes leaks out my eyes as happy tears.
Now I will be good.

Right!?!

I find myself battling the rebellious spirit.  Drive fast, stay out too late.
Not good -

And a relationship....
with an amazingly handsome man.
I AM TERRIFIED.
They have all walked out.
Every
Last
One
So why, oh why, do I keep trying?
He sweeps me off my feet.  Melts me into a puddle.  Makes me smile.  The thrill, the excitement, the feeling that I am beautiful and worth loving.
When I should feel that within myself...not relying on the opinions of others.
In the "Land of As-it-Should-Be", I guess.

I promised myself and my kids - no more.  I'm done!  Done with the hurt.  Done with becoming attached and being hurt when it ends.
But I can't help myself.
I'm crazy.
and free...
and scared out of my wits...
and excited...
and amazed at the wonder of it all.

Viewing life from a different perspective, it seems.

Howdy, Ya'll!

The beginning of a new year!

In a few days, my oldest will be 21. My youngest will be 13 and my two middles will be 16 and 17.

Where does the time go?

The two youngest....they are as tall as I am!

Wow...they are so beautiful!  And the humor!

I love this crew!

My girls

50 years with the same person....blows my mind!

Because of you

Because of you, Mom and Dad, the world is a better place.

Because of your enduring love, there is hope for others who wonder if such a thing exists.

Because of the selfless example you have set, there are ten foster children I have nurtured in time of trial who have known love.

Because you showed me unconditional love, I have been blessed with the ability to show unconditional love to those who hurt me and to those that the world has deemed “unlovable”.

Because you showed me unconditional love, I was able to learn to love myself.  When I weighed 450 pounds, you loved me.  When I ran away from home, you loved me.  When I hurt you, you loved me.  When I turned away from you, you loved me.  And when I finally turned toward home, you welcomed me with open arms no matter what I had done.

Because of the presence of the Lord in my childhood home, my faith in Him has given me a Rock to cling to when all seemed lost.  When others poor choices blow my life apart, His strength and care has been ever-present.  When the days seemed darkest, I have been able to point my children and others to Him and say “Look what God has done!” 

Because of you, countless hungry in our County have been fed because of an old trailer you gave to me that has now transported several tons of food to food banks in our area.

Because of you, an old fifth wheel in my back yard has housed ten people who had nowhere else to go.

50 babies have been born into my hands.  I have been told that the mother chose me to attend her because I have “strong confident hands” and a confident spirit even when I was scared out of my mind.  You raised me to believe that I could do it…no matter what “it” was…as long as I worked hard and relied on God to guide my steps.

As an EMT, I have performed CPR dozens of times.  Sometimes, it has been a success.  Often, it was an exercise in futility.  But in those times of seeming futility, God has used me to minister to the broken hearts left behind.  I have held them and prayed with them.  I have held terrified, broken, bleeding hands and stood by them in the worst moments of their lives.  I have “mothered” them from the example you set of how a parent should be.  And several have returned to tell me how much it meant to them that someone cared…not just “treated” them as a patient, but stood by them and hugged them and held them together when they felt like the world was falling apart.  I have this ability – Because of you.

Because of you, people have come to Christ.  The ripple effect from your example has gone far and wide.  My voice as I sing praises of love for my King of kings has brought people to tears before Him – NOT of my own works but because of the passion you instilled in me as a child.  Because of that summer at Youth Camp when I surrendered my heart to Him, I have led my children to Him….and they have led friends to Him.  We have spread the good news of the Gospel to the homeless, to children at vacation bible school, to the elderly in our community and to strangers on the street.

Because of the selflessness of the way you raised us, I am able to raise my children to serve.  Christmas traditions I so enjoyed as a child carry on to my children.  Family dinners are such a dear, sweet memory that I strive to make ours just as precious.  I cherish the memories of cedar boughs, red bows on a tree fresh from the mountain seated in a 5 gallon bucket and the reading of the Christmas Story from God’s Word as much as I honor you by delivering food boxes to the need, inviting lonely friends to our holiday table or purchasing a gift for a tag from a “giving tree”.

Because of you, I can sew a dress and cook a meal for 10 people as easily as I can catch a fish, milk a goat or shoot a 303 British.  Just because I am a “girl” does not mean I am inferior.  As a single parent, I have changed light fixtures, assembled train sets and bicycles and repaired broken plumbing because I was brought up to believe that “girls” can do that stuff,  too.  As a truck driver, police dispatcher, dinner cook, farmhand, midwife, EMT, firefighter, foster parent, school lunch lady and secretary in each season of my life, you have always loved me and supported me even when I fail.

You raised me to do what is right, no matter how tough it is.

Because of you, there are four grandchildren who love to learn.  Nature walks with Just-Plain-Grandpa and baking cookies with Just-Plain-Grandma have given them a sense of family that so many others lack.  The things you have taught me, I have been able to pass on to them.  I am honored and blessed that you have entrusted me with the wisdom of how to gut a fish, how to bake a cake, how to sew a quilt and what sour grass looks like so that I can see the wonder in my children’s eyes when I say “I learned this from your grandparent! Now you know how to do it, too!”

Whenever I mention your names, people from all walks of life testify to how you have touched them.  I am blessed beyond measure to be covered in your legacy of love.  #1, #2, #3, #4 and I are so grateful that you are the foundation of our lives. 

Thank you so much for hanging in through the years when you didn’t know where your next meal was coming from, through the years when you had to be separated in order to provide for us. 

Thank you for wearing worn out clothes, resoling the same moccasins with Shoe-Goo for ten years in a row and taking in 6 people when our family already numbered six and there was only ONE bathroom.

Thank you for being my strength when my family was destroyed, when my best friend died, when my child was in the Neonatal ICU and when my dreams were crushed. 

Thank you for being there for my children’s births, for the saltwater and diesel in my blood, for the pride I have in being your child and for the abiding love of Christ in my heart.

Because of you, the world is a better place.

Don't faint...

But I was cleaning today.

Since the husband left, it's how I keep myself busy.
Anyway, I decided to vacuum.  Cuz I got a new vacuum cleaner...and I wanted to be the first to use it, because I'm selfish like that.
So I'm picking up the random papers strewn on the floor and I come across a neatly folded little piece of paper written in #4's handwriting.
It was a list...a wishlist of sorts.
 1) A video game
2) an Ipad
3) go shopping for more fish
4) that #3 would be happy

I teared up.
and I shared it with #3 so on those days when she doesn't feel like anyone loves her...she'll know at least two people do.
#4 and me.

What I've been up to lately...

I wonder sometimes what you all think of me.
Seems like every year or so I have some new dude I'm all twitterpated about.

It's just that I keep hoping...
and trying...
and dreaming of finding my prince charming.Well, about 9 months ago, I got a message on FaceBook. It says "I was seventeen....and SO in love with you!"
Oh...
my....
goodness.

Talk about De' ja vu!!
We were just teenagers. He was a couple of years younger than me.
When I graduated from high school, I moved on to more mature (and more idiotic) pursuits.
I left him behind...

Now, here he was...just as crazy in love with me as ever.
I'd looked for him several times without success.

He thinks I hung the moon - his every waking moment is spent treating me like a queen.
My kids are now allowed to "place their orders" for their lunches for the day. I get coffee in bed. My house is squeaky clean and I am caught up on my college coursework, thanks to Mr. Homework Nazi.
It is so weird to be number one in somebody's book;
to know that someone wakes up thanking God every day that he is with me.
To have someone support me in everything I do and never even raise his voice to my kids. To have someone treat my crew as precious treasures simply because they are a part of me. To have someone in my life who wants to make an honest women of me as fast as he can drag me to the altar rather than me having to talk him into it.
To have someone who can think of nothing more he wants to do with the rest of his life than love me.
I'm almost afraid to breathe for fear it will all be a dream and I will wake up.
I'm afraid that soon the "honeymoon" will be over and he will decide we aren't worth the work or that someone without all the "baggage" will be more attractive.
But the peace and joy in my house because of this one man is a gift I cannot help but be humbled by.

HE is a gift!

NOW I KNOW WHAT's WRONG!!

My mom sent me an email. The subject line was one of those "new computer virus" things. I ALMOST just round-filed it. Cuz I get like eight of those a week.
But I opened it. And I'm STILL giggling. Sounds like something my number one would do!

And NOW I know what my computer's problem is!

" I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An "ID ten T error"? What's that? Uhh, just in case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure i t out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like this kid"

My friend RJ came over this weekend to help with the kids. She got them rallied and they cleaned house BIGTIME. I came home and cried! It was so wonderful! She even cleaned on top of the refridgerator and the microwave. Now THAT is dedication. And A WONDERFUL FRIEND!
Meanwhile, I got to practice placing IV's in rubber arms and placing Combi-Tubes and Kings mannequin throats. No...I didn't stick any REAL person yet. My next lab is in two weeks; I don't think I'll be able to avoid it by then. YIPE. Most of the guys are decent...but there are one or two? Ummmmm, NO!
Out of a 20 person class, three of us are female. Two out of 20 are 42. One is 35-ish and the rest are under 30. There are several in the class who REALLY impress me. They are already good at what they do and you can tell they care.

Gonna start dieting and exercising tomorrow. We'll see how it goes, I guess.
Some attitude to have huh?

Lookin' Good!

The surgeon who is gonna do the repair on my hernia called me this afternoon.
His OWN-self! Not the nurse or the secretary or the business office lady.
Him!

He had written a letter directly to the Medical Director of my health insurance requesting an "exception" to their policy of not paying for hernia repair unless it was life threatening.

And let me tell ya' what...I DO appreciate that!!

He was calling to tell me that in all his 20+ years of being a surgeon, he had NEVER seen this work. He had never seen this insurance change their minds. Yet...today...He got a letter from them.

NOT saying yes...but NOT saying no, either. They were "requesting my records for review".
So he wanted to ask my permission to release progress notes to them.

Yes. Yep. Oh yAH! Certainly, sir!

I would like for them to say YES so my guts will stay inside where they are supposed to be. I would like for them to schedule surgery in May so I can finish my EMT Intermediate Class.

And, you know what? I think if God has worked things out so far, I can trust Him to work this out too. What ever His plan is and where ever His path is, that's where I wanna be. Cuz if I don't choose His way, I won't be happy. I know that.

Call me crazy. But the prayers are workin'!! Keep em going up, please!

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad...WEEK

Well, it's been an icky, yucky, exhausting, nerve-wracking, emotional, caca week, ya'll.
Coursework, Kiddos, babies, Emergency Management, decisions, rescue horrors, and missin' my sweetheart every single minute. Notice I did NOT list housework in there at all.

If you could see my house, you'd know why. Haven't DONE any.
Anyone coming in right now would think I recarpeted in Berber Laundry.
It's only about 12 loads...no biggy.
I just keep telling myself, HEY, at least it's CLEAN laundry.

And I did do the dishes several times. Mainly cuz if I don't, we become overRUN with those irritating little black stinky ants. It's not a good thing.

But with any luck, my buddy will be here tonight. She's gonna help me out this weekend. I have Lab for my EMT Intermediate class. So she's gonna hang with the kids, make dinner and **GASP** fold laundry!
That's why I love her...

Most other people (in real life...not my BLOG buddies, they KNOW how fragile I really am!) hold one of two opinions about me.

1) "She's superwoman. She's got it all under control and doesn't need any help" OR
2) "She got herself into this mess so she can just get herself out".

But RJ knows that I am just too proud to ask for help, stupid enough to get myself into this stuff and exhausted enough that I don't care. I could happily crawl into my bed right now and not get out for about a week.
So she says "I'll be there". And I say "Ahhhh, no, you don't have to. I got it covered." And she says "SHUT UP WOMAN!"

So I smile. And shut up. And thank God for girlfriends like her.

Speaking of Lab this weekend...We're gonna start practicing IV insertion. Anybody wanna be my Guinea pig? Hmmmmm?

Wait! where's that running and screaming noise coming from?
I can see ya'll waving goodbye from here...

Today was rough...

The first week of school is always tough.
But I sure could use some encouragement right about now.

One class that I need for my prereq's got cancelled. Not enough people registered. I'll have to catch it later...

One class I have to make a decision about the "right thing to do".
I want it...but should I? I can't lie about my hernia. It's not right.
But it's not right for me to have it either. It's not my fault. I didn't do anything wrong.
But two wrongs don't make a right.
It's just hard to give it up...

And I got another book in the mail...again, no name. So THANK YOU, THANK you my textbook angel.
Loverboy gets to go back to work after being laid off for a month. Which means he will be better off financially. And also means I can't see him much for about three months.

Hike up my big girl panties, I guess. I'll live.

So it you have a minute, Would you send me a "Rah, Rah", say a prayer for my needs and a praise to Him for my joys?
Thanks, my friends. I knew i could count on you.

Textbook Angel

Don't know if you read my post a few days ago about TextBooks I needed for college?

Well, SOMEBODY DID!

Today I got a package in the mail containing one of the needed books...and NO name or other identifiers inside as to who I could thank.

So I will post it here.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU SOOOOO much!!
You made my life easier and you BLESSED my heart.

I pray that God blesses yours RIGHT Back in a VERY big way.
Y O U R O C K

Necessary blessing check

I need to count my blessings.

Serious! I NEED to turn my face to the positive stuff in my life.
Because the negative is getting me down.
And down.
And down.

Kinda like a toilet bowl...swirling...swirling...

OK, that was a little graphic. but you get the idea.

I don't want to be alone for Christmas.
Of course, I won't be ALONE alone. Not with four kiddos.
Who are, by the way, suffering from MAJOR cabin fever.
From being trapped in the house for a week.
And the snow just keeps getting deeper.
And mother keeps getting more morose by the minute.
And the anticipation of Christmas is building.
And our plans are being cancelled.
and...and...and...

So I was outside shoveling the walkway earlier.
Which is against my personal philosophy.
But it had to be done.

And started praying. Out of desperation. As the tears are freezing on my face.
"Why, God? Please help me! You can fix this! or at least fix my heart."

And He said "Why are you upset? I'm here with you all the time!"

No, I'm not nuts. Just having a conversation with God...
"But you aren't flesh and blood. You've given me someone special and I can't get to him because of this weather!"

"you're right. I DID give him to you...and you to him. In fact, I've given you LOTS of things and here you are whining."

Didn't I just say that to one of my kids this morning when he wanted to open a Christmas gift early?

Yikes.

"But I can't shake this, God. It hurts and I have to fight constantly not to cry. It hurts!"

"Then when you get to be with him, won't you be grateful? Won't take him for granted, will you?
What about your other blessings? Try being POSITIVE, girl!"

hmmm, let's see if I can make myself feel better, shall we?
Prescription from the Master Physician...

• A fine, gorgeous, upstanding man who loves me very much.
• four beautiful kids
• who are all healthy
• and relatively well adjusted in spite of me.
• a roof over my head
• with electricity
• and heat. Which alot of people around here don't have right now.
• Have enough to eat. May not be what we LIKE and requires me to use my brain, but...
• Have lots of people who care about me. Even if I am alone.
• Have clean clothes.
• Have a future to look forward to.
• Only pipes that broke were in the garage. and I was able to shut off water to them without shutting off water to the house.
• I can read.
• I can sing.
• I have lots of time to catch up on those sewing projects.
• I have lots of time to write on my blog
• and send letters
  
• and cards.
• Time to read my Bible.
• And read my new Midwifery Today magazine! Got a subscription for Christmas. YEEHAW!
• None of our mommy's that are due have gone into labor in this awful snow.
• I'm healthy. My hernia hasn't strangulated yet.
  
• The kids will have presents for Christmas.
• I have access to a computer.
• You are actually reading this.
  

I'm sure I'll write again, soon. Thanks for being here.
Wishing for God's peace in your heart and in mine.

Small joys

I am so glad that my God allows me to see the little joys inside the big pain. Otherwise, I'd be in a world of hurt right now.
A precious friend taught me the concept of asking Christ to bind thoughts that cause pain or distress. WOW, have I used the dickens out of that blessing in the last three weeks.

Before my surgery, I spoke to my mother. She hasn't forgiven MG for hurting me. In fact, she does not say his name...she refers to him as Bu**head. She wanted to come be with me for the surgery. But I told her that he would be here watching the kids. I told her that he had expressed repentance and asked for forgiveness then asked her to pray about being able to "work with him" for the one day of my procedure so I could have her and the assurance that the kids were safe and cared for.
The next day she called me first thing in the morning and said "Well, I prayed about it and I don't feel that God wants me there as long as you choose to have anything to do with Bu**head."
That hurt on two levels. First, that I was not important enough for her to set aside any challenges she had. Secondly, that she blamed it on my God. She cannot forgive him for "hurting her daughter", yet she hurts me over and over again, usually without regret. Just today, she called to see how I was. Started out with "So, is Bu**head still there?" and ended up telling me how I had ruined my children because I never follow through with what I say I will do. Then, "I love you, honey. Try to rest." click.
There are lots of reasons why I continue the relationship with her. She is on lots of medications and is in constant pain. I realize that sometimes she doesn't even know what she is doing.
And I also realized this morning that I am GLAD she was not here for my operation. I'm glad she has chosen to stay away while MG is caring for me and the kids and I actually dread the day he goes home because it means that I will have to deal with her. She stresses me out, runs me down and makes me feel as if I need to care for HER when I am desperately in need of care for myself. It's a small joy...

I have been having such a hard time with my wound. It is open. About 10 - 12 inches stretching down from my belly button (sort of...he sewed part of it closed) and the top two inches and bottom three inches are open. Deep, oozing....OK, OK...I'm grossing myself out. Everytime I shower, I look at in and cry. I am having a hard enough time trying to rebuild my self esteem after the realization that I am not enough to keep anybody happy. No matter how hard I try or how much I love someone, I am not enough. How do I attract someone new with grey hair, glasses, scars, bat-wings and a belly-flap that is now decorated with a gash the size of Missouri? Why do I WANT to attract someone new? What am I THINKING??!!?
So my Bible study this morning was Romans 8:35-39. "What can separate us from the Love of God?" And it just spoke to my heart..."GOD LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!" Nothing can make Him shrink away and say "Gross!!" I'm resting in that for right now. Another small joy...

MG is not mine. I am not number one in his life any longer. He cares for me and we are the greatest of friends...even closer now than when we had a "relationship". But he talks about wanting to go home. He talks about plans that don't involve me. He feels the need to check his email about 23 times a day and he has phone conversations with someone using his "sweet voice". And every once in awhile, jealousy pinches my heart. I cry "Bind that thought, Lord Jesus!" And He does. Giving me peace. But as much as I appreciate MG being here and I don't know how I am going to manage after Monday...I kinda am looking forward to him going home so I won't have that "in your face" pain several times a day. A small joy that soon, I will be able to move forward and stop living in the past.

A small joy that a general surgeon was there in the operating suites between cases just when the OB/GYN doing my surgery got into trouble and was desperately trying to save my life.

A small joy that when the wound opened in the parking lot of the hospital and blood was running through my fingers as I held my belly, I staggered into the emergency room, said HELP ME and my pastor was there waiting with someone else.

A small joy that my church family brought us dinner for six days and another friend is bringing pizza tonight.

A small joy that as I lay in my bed hour after hour, my children come and sit with me. They share their days, we sing, we do homework and sometimes we just watch TV together snuggled together.

A small joy that my college professors have agreed to work with me so I don't have to drop out of this semester and lose my grant.

A small joy that my aunt was able to spend time with me when I was in the hospital and she brought me flowers, lotions, magazines and a CD player with some CD's. I am still using it and it really helps me relax.

A small joy that I have pain medication.

A great joy that I have friends like you who lift me up in prayer. I need that the most.

Not even funny...

After going to the hospital on Friday expecting to stay for about 4 hours and waking up with a HUGE 10-inch vertical hole in my stomach, I have been totally discombobulated.
Let the spell checker try to compute THAT word!

I guess while the doc was trying to poke something through my abdominal wall, he hit a major blood vessel and had to totally open me up, unload all my guts and search to find the source of the flood.
Sorry, I know, it's gross.
SOOOOOO, I spent the whole weekend in the hospital.
And this morning in the emergency room when it started bleeding again.
I'm just having lots of fun.

My kids were having a rough time.
Number 4 sits on the end of my hospital bed..."Mom, my eye hurts!"
Well, why is that?
"It wants to cry."
It's ok, sweetheart, let it cry.
So she laid on me and sobbed for awhile.

MG came to stay with the kids. She says to him, "You know, I need mom to come home soon because I think I'm going crazy! I've had just about enough of you!"
He was laughing to hard to be upset with her.

Now he has become the Janean-police...LAY DOWN, PUT THAT DOWN, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?, STOP THAT!
I've just about had enough of him, too.
But I know it's for my own good.

God blesses even in the middle of adversity. A surgeon was available just when things went south, my church family has brought us dinner every night since Friday, MG has gotten along well with the kids, I'm still alive...Hey, it's all good.


**PS, to the friend who wanted my speech on homebirth, please comment and include your email address so I can get it to you. I may post it here, too, just for posterity.

Forced thankfulness

Sometimes it is hard to stop wallowing in self-pity. Which is why I get on my blog. When I write it out, I feel better. Just expressing it takes away some of the anguish.
And then I go read about Heather and Kelly and others I have links to over there on the right and I think, WOW, I really do have SO much to be thankful for.
Have you ever been in a spot where you don't WANT to be thankful?
Where you are so attacked and in the pit that it is easier to hang out down there?
To embrace the pain and be angry, depressed, hurt, cry?

Well, I'm blowing myself out of that here.
Pulling myself up by my bootstraps and suckin' it up, so to speak.
Forcing myself to get thankful; to count my blessings when I just don't feel like counting. But I know it will be good for me...Kinda like drinking straight vinegar or gargling with warm saltwater and aspirin when you have a sore throat. Nasty, but sometimes necessary.

Blah, Blah, Blah. I Could go on forever...lets get to it.

1. The kids are healthy.
2. No school for a week.
3. I'm alive. (0k, I'm grasping at straws here. Gotta do better than that.)
4. I have a nasty painful horrible biopsy coming up on the 3rd, but my mommy is coming to hold my hand.
5. Sound of Music is on TV tonight. And I can watch it without somebody whining about WHY I have to watch it AGAIN and can I possibley NOT sing along with ALL the songs.
6. I have a couple at church who have been burdened for us. We got together last night to pray and they've invited us for Easter dinner tomorrow. BIG blessing.
7. Van is running well.
8. I have enough gas to make it through till Monday.
9. We have enough food and a roof over our heads. And five more days of electricity.
10. My cold cleared up so I can sing at church tomorrow without sounding like a frog.
11. I have "Happy Pills" to keep me back from the edge.
12. The kids are being relatively well behaved.
13. I have this blog.
14. I have coffee. Although I think I may be dehydrated from too much coffee.
15. Christ died and rose again so we can have eternal life. Happy Easter!

Definitely nothing...BUT

Well, got the ultrasound results and I wanted to thank you all for your prayers. Cuz they WORKED. When we got the ultrasound report, there was NO MASS. None. At all. As in "Nothing There!"

The doctor couldn't explain it.
But I can. :D Prayer works, that's what!

But now I need some more. I'm sorry for being "needy", but this kinda stuff happens.
Got a call from the doctor this morning. He left a message that something was up with my yearly test.
Man, I HATE it when they do that! Now I have to stew about it till he calls back after 5pm. BLECH!

Again, it's probably nothing...

Blessings Galore

Christmas was incredible.

A wonderful friend provided for my children, for dinner AND some textbook funds for me. All four kids got "exactly what they wanted" and they are all stylin' in a new outfit, too!

God blesses me more than I deserve.

Another benefactor is helping me with the vehicle situation. My "Big Blue Beast" should be home today. Yah, she drinks gas like it's going out of style, but at least she's MINE and she RUNS. It actually cost less than $300 to fix her including towing her to the garage! It was a combination of the fuel filter, the heat sensor and the battery cables. Little stuff.

PRAISE GOD!

I took lots of pictures. Gotta get them developed, though. So it'll be a few days.

Humbling times for me. To accept gifts is difficult. To swallow my pride and not say "I should have been able to take care of this myself" is tough.

But the joy of the blessing is incredible. And I'm absorbing what God is teaching. No matter how difficult the lesson is. Or how many times I have to learn it.

**************************************************************

Number four was riding with me last night in the car and she said she saw a shooting star. "Mom, what is your wish?"
I told her maybe a new computer.
She said "WELL, I wish for ponies and rainbows and that everyone would be nice so they can be on Santa's Good List next year."

Thought she was going to say "I wish for Peace on Earth"...but it was CLOSE.
I halfway expected her to be wearing an evening gown and waving by leading with her elbow.

Finals, Babies and Winter Break!

Can't believe it's been a week since I've written!
WOW!

It was finals week, though, so I have a bit of an excuse. AND I got to do an incredible birth on Tuesday morning. MG let me borrow his car...it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Twins, waterbirth AND the second baby was breech. Little Boy (5 lb 14 oz) and Little Girl (5 lb 4 oz) are beautiful and wonderful. They never cried. At all. I was just awestruck.

I know all my final grades except one, so far...they don't have to release them till Wednesday, but some of the professors already have.
EMT Basic - not released yet, but I think I got an A...maybe a B at the lowest.
Speech - A
Microcomputing - A

AND...
I PASSED ALGEBRA! Got a C! I was so happy I looked like Snoopy for a minute there. You know...where his feet are going so fast they are a blur and his ears are flapping in the wind?

OK, maybe not the ear-flapping, but everything else! including the big grin.

As long as I got a C I don't have to take it again. Although there is a rumor in the wind that I will have to take the next Math class up, as well. I'm not going to worry about that till spring term. And I will know better than to try to take it online...

Got our tree last night. Trimmed it myself and got it in the house. It was 8 feet when I started and got it down to about 7, I think. Getting lots of "spring-cleaning-in-December" done as well. Made enchiladas from scratch last night.

It feels good to have a winter break. I'm gonna finish #3's quilt and sew the girls some pants. They seem to be growing out of their pants at an amazing pace. AND #1 is taller than I am now. Went to hug him in the kitchen yesterday and discovered I had to shoot for his WAIST. I am almost 6 ft tall so that means that, at 13, the boy is 6 ft and counting. YIKES.

Coupla plugs before I sign off...
Don't forget to stop by Scribbits for weekend give aways.
And Lizzie's Works of God Weekend never fails to cheer my heart.

If you want some gorgeous Christmas tunes, check out this CD. Hot off the presses...I'm a little biased. It's my Auntie. :D

Gotta go get ready for church, ya'll. God bless yer socks off. You'll be in my prayers.

Up Side

Hi.

Yes, I'm still alive.

Counting my blessings.

My house didn't flood today. Came really close...but then the rain stopped.

I'm sharing MG's little Toyota Carolla. So far it's working fairly well. Can't do everything I want to, but you know what? I think this might have been kind of a good thing. Slow me down some.

I'm getting well. Just a little cough left. Had the crud and a fever for about a week but no one else got it.

I LOVE watching the Christmas specials on TV! Just got done watching Rudolph's New Year and Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. I think Frosty is next. I even splurged and blew $2.50 on a new Santa mug.

For me.

Selfish, but it made me smile.

Finished my Microcomputing class today. Got an A.

Will finish Public Speaking on Friday.

And EMT Basic (first half) on Thursday. Except for a Saturday lab.

Don't know what's going to become of Algebra. We'll see.

Anyway, after this week, I'll be off school for winter break until January 7th.

Time to focus on my kiddos and figuring out what to do about a rig.

And sleep...ALOT.

AND we've got three Mommys due before the end of the year. So I'm excited about that. I'm praying God will work it out so I can go.

OH! LOOK! Rudolph and the Island of the Misfit Toys is on!

See you tomorrow. :D

Wonder Woman?

Lizzie has just blessed my heart! I've been nominated a "Wonder Woman".

Oh My.

I used to think I was, you know. Wonder Woman. All-American Soccer Mom, I-can-do-it-all, cookie baking, carpooling, dinner-on-the-table-for-the-husband lady.

Then reality hit.

I have learned my lesson well these last two years. I am nothing, can do nothing, will be nothing without Christ. It is all...ALL...out of my control. No matter how much I delude myself into thinking I can handle life.

So if I am a Wonder Woman, it is because I serve a wonderful God. He has given me incredible kids, a supportive family, amazing friends, a tender mate and blog-buddies who are far more gracious than I deserve.

Thank you so very much, my dusty-framed friend. You inspire me!

I would like to pass this on...
Wishing I could pass it back to Lizzie - but I think she understands.

Donnetta often stops by to encourage me...and I often visit her to see her INCREDIBLE projects (check out the Christmas stockings!) and to be uplifted by her faith.

Michelle amazes me. She writes on her blog EVERY DAY! NO joke! And she has so much FUN stuff going on over there...give aways, recipes, patterns, crafts, AND the NOVEMBER Write Away Contest going on right now!

My twin Connie at This Little Blog deserves it, as well, DEFINITELY. Just knowing there is someone out there in this big old world who has walked in my shoes is a balm to my heart.

If you decide not to post the button or award, I will NOT be offended. Some people would rather not. But I wanted to nominate you and let you know how much you mean to me. There are SO many others I would like to add...but this post needs to end somewhere.
So that will be here.

Have a wonderful week.

Cracked Pots

My last day with the county office planning the Full Scale Emergency Services drill was Friday. I was able to attend a "wrap-up" meeting for about 45 minutes before my Friday morning class.

I will miss them. Since July, they have become my friends.
I learned alot and they made me feel useful and needed.

As I left, the secretary (KM) I worked with met me at the door. She wrapped her arms around me with tears in her eyes and handed me a card. We couldn't speak because we didn't want to interrupt the meeting, but I whispered "If you need me, just call." She smiled and nodded and went back to her seat.

I went outside and opened the card. As the tears flowed, I read how I had influenced her life in wonderful ways. She had decided to follow her dreams because of the example I had set and the challenges I had shared with her.
And she enclosed $100 saying she wished it could be more. It was from her, personally. Not from the "office".

WOW!

OK. FIRST of all - I am NOT all that! There are people in this world that have been through SO much more than I. But it blesses my heart to know that I touched someone; that I was able to do some good in this world. I've heard it said that God uses "Cracked Pots" and I will be the first to admit that I am cracked and imperfect. I hope and pray that God can use this broken vessel, this little shard of broken mirror that is my life to reflect HIS light to others.
SECONDLY, I hope I was not begging for money. I shared some of my challenges with her and how God has provided in amazing ways. But I never meant to make her think I was asking. My friend, Lizzie, has been going through the same struggles on her blog and I can totally understand. I share my struggles to show the glory, grace and provision of my Father, not to beg or get sympathy. I think KM understood that and this was simply a gift. We were talking about a stethoscope a few days ago and I know she just wanted to help me further my future. So I accepted.

The fact is that I DO need it. And I am so very grateful to her and for what I learned there.
I must confess I am glad the project is over. I am tired and sick and I need to catch up on my classes. This week I only have one day booked other than my classes.

And that feels good. I slept twelve hours last night so I think I'm on my way.