The Day After...

My thirty-year class reunion was much better than I expected.

I was an awkward teenager with a mouth that ran faster than my brain.  I remember sitting at a table of girls in the high school library and saying something odd - per my quirky sarcastic sense of humor.  The entire conversation stopped and en masse they all got up and walked away, leaving me sitting there like the odd man out I have always been.

At cheerleading try outs, two teams were picked.  One for basketball and one for football.  I was the only candidate not picked for either team.

As a senior, I was so bad at Volleyball (my chosen sport) that my playing on the varsity team would have been disastrous.  They couldn't push me back to JV because I was a senior.  SO they asked me to be equipment manager rather than kick me off the team.  That way I could still get my letter, but they didn't have to put me on the court.  OK...fine...yet - Odd man out.

Yesterday, we were adults; some of us were intoxicated loud adults, but adults nevertheless.  Life has a way of softening your edges and changing your perspective.  Each one had something about them now that I admire.

The traveling some have done!  The careers of making a difference in this world!  The awkward farm boy who is now the parent of a Downs child and did an incredible job of caring for that child during the reunion!
The beautiful grandchildren.

Oh, yes, I imagine there are skeletons and some of the stories are tough.  But we made it through.  We grew up into a FINE bunch of people.

And it only took 30 years.  :D

50 years with the same person....blows my mind!

Because of you

Because of you, Mom and Dad, the world is a better place.

Because of your enduring love, there is hope for others who wonder if such a thing exists.

Because of the selfless example you have set, there are ten foster children I have nurtured in time of trial who have known love.

Because you showed me unconditional love, I have been blessed with the ability to show unconditional love to those who hurt me and to those that the world has deemed “unlovable”.

Because you showed me unconditional love, I was able to learn to love myself.  When I weighed 450 pounds, you loved me.  When I ran away from home, you loved me.  When I hurt you, you loved me.  When I turned away from you, you loved me.  And when I finally turned toward home, you welcomed me with open arms no matter what I had done.

Because of the presence of the Lord in my childhood home, my faith in Him has given me a Rock to cling to when all seemed lost.  When others poor choices blow my life apart, His strength and care has been ever-present.  When the days seemed darkest, I have been able to point my children and others to Him and say “Look what God has done!” 

Because of you, countless hungry in our County have been fed because of an old trailer you gave to me that has now transported several tons of food to food banks in our area.

Because of you, an old fifth wheel in my back yard has housed ten people who had nowhere else to go.

50 babies have been born into my hands.  I have been told that the mother chose me to attend her because I have “strong confident hands” and a confident spirit even when I was scared out of my mind.  You raised me to believe that I could do it…no matter what “it” was…as long as I worked hard and relied on God to guide my steps.

As an EMT, I have performed CPR dozens of times.  Sometimes, it has been a success.  Often, it was an exercise in futility.  But in those times of seeming futility, God has used me to minister to the broken hearts left behind.  I have held them and prayed with them.  I have held terrified, broken, bleeding hands and stood by them in the worst moments of their lives.  I have “mothered” them from the example you set of how a parent should be.  And several have returned to tell me how much it meant to them that someone cared…not just “treated” them as a patient, but stood by them and hugged them and held them together when they felt like the world was falling apart.  I have this ability – Because of you.

Because of you, people have come to Christ.  The ripple effect from your example has gone far and wide.  My voice as I sing praises of love for my King of kings has brought people to tears before Him – NOT of my own works but because of the passion you instilled in me as a child.  Because of that summer at Youth Camp when I surrendered my heart to Him, I have led my children to Him….and they have led friends to Him.  We have spread the good news of the Gospel to the homeless, to children at vacation bible school, to the elderly in our community and to strangers on the street.

Because of the selflessness of the way you raised us, I am able to raise my children to serve.  Christmas traditions I so enjoyed as a child carry on to my children.  Family dinners are such a dear, sweet memory that I strive to make ours just as precious.  I cherish the memories of cedar boughs, red bows on a tree fresh from the mountain seated in a 5 gallon bucket and the reading of the Christmas Story from God’s Word as much as I honor you by delivering food boxes to the need, inviting lonely friends to our holiday table or purchasing a gift for a tag from a “giving tree”.

Because of you, I can sew a dress and cook a meal for 10 people as easily as I can catch a fish, milk a goat or shoot a 303 British.  Just because I am a “girl” does not mean I am inferior.  As a single parent, I have changed light fixtures, assembled train sets and bicycles and repaired broken plumbing because I was brought up to believe that “girls” can do that stuff,  too.  As a truck driver, police dispatcher, dinner cook, farmhand, midwife, EMT, firefighter, foster parent, school lunch lady and secretary in each season of my life, you have always loved me and supported me even when I fail.

You raised me to do what is right, no matter how tough it is.

Because of you, there are four grandchildren who love to learn.  Nature walks with Just-Plain-Grandpa and baking cookies with Just-Plain-Grandma have given them a sense of family that so many others lack.  The things you have taught me, I have been able to pass on to them.  I am honored and blessed that you have entrusted me with the wisdom of how to gut a fish, how to bake a cake, how to sew a quilt and what sour grass looks like so that I can see the wonder in my children’s eyes when I say “I learned this from your grandparent! Now you know how to do it, too!”

Whenever I mention your names, people from all walks of life testify to how you have touched them.  I am blessed beyond measure to be covered in your legacy of love.  #1, #2, #3, #4 and I are so grateful that you are the foundation of our lives. 

Thank you so much for hanging in through the years when you didn’t know where your next meal was coming from, through the years when you had to be separated in order to provide for us. 

Thank you for wearing worn out clothes, resoling the same moccasins with Shoe-Goo for ten years in a row and taking in 6 people when our family already numbered six and there was only ONE bathroom.

Thank you for being my strength when my family was destroyed, when my best friend died, when my child was in the Neonatal ICU and when my dreams were crushed. 

Thank you for being there for my children’s births, for the saltwater and diesel in my blood, for the pride I have in being your child and for the abiding love of Christ in my heart.

Because of you, the world is a better place.

I'm "safe"..

I just watched this video of a piece of poetry.

Ouch!

"Dumb people, Smart phones" is about right.  We sit and text all day or play on games or computers.  Even now, as I type this, I have one kids sleeping, two on tablets and one texting on his phone while playing a game on his XBox One.

Every once in awhile, we text eachother from the next room...although we do holler as well, sometimes, "Hey!  Check out what I just posted!"

I will say that I do try occasionally to get them out somewhere.  But when I ask, half of them say "No thanks, I'll just stay home."  And when we do go out, the majority of the electronics comes along.  After all, we would hate to be bored.  Or have to communicate...

Because communication is scary.  It comes with the chance of being rejected...
the chance of making someone angry...
the chance of feeling like a fool...

And I am just as guilty.  Writing here makes me feel better.  Venting what I need to say, working through my own feelings of rejection and isolation in a safe media environment.  After all, nobody is going to read it anyway.

How do I change things?  The reality is that I can't.  With one child who has severe mental health issues, media (music, internet, text) is the only thing that keeps her safe.  Because she can distract herself and try to block out the voices that tell her to do unspeakable things.  She's also agoraphobic so she won't leave the house except on rare occasions. So if we are home - they all have access to the "net of lies".

I live vicariously through social media.  Many times I have begged for prayers, begged for help and the replies I received were truly heaven-sent.  At this point in my life, I work at an outside job, then come home and work at home cooking, cleaning and being an anchor for four kids who have watched a parade of people we cared about walk away and leave us.  I'm terrified to have a close relationship with anyone...I don't care if they hurt me, but watching my kids be hurt again is what strikes the fear into my heart.

Yet...I'm lonely.  And it is so tough to just sit here and feel the pain and emptiness knowing it is what is best for my kids.
Which is why I'm on the computer.  Which is why I am fighting a battle inside.  Which is why the kids keep asking "mom, why are you sad?"  I just keep telling them that I am tired.

Which is true.  I'm tired of trying.  And I'm tired of people leaving me.
Heavenly Father, help me!  Hold me tight so that I can feel Your presence.

Being a child of the 80's

Being a child of the 80's, there are so many songs that bring back the angst of those teenage years.
I had this one incredible boyfriend.  He would do anything for me; I was more precious to him than he could express.
When he moved away, this song would always remind me of him.  True love hurts incredibly when it is interrupted.

About 5 years ago, we reconnected on Facebook.  This simple message came across with the friend request...
"I was 17 and SO in love with you!"
Eventually, he came to live with me.  But unfortunately, I was still hung up on someone else.  Someone who ended up proving what a drunk jerk he was and walking out on me with my best friend.  While I was figuring out my hangup was a superjerk, I lost the one who loved me.  Truly loved me.

I tried to call him back.  I apologized, begged and pleaded.  But he did not want to be hurt again.  And I don't blame him, really.  So I counted myself lucky to just be his friend.  We talked every day.

Then - nothing.

He disappeared.

I found out later, he had a massive stroke.  At 43 years of age.  Now disabled, he lives with family who will not allow him to talk to me.  He can only say a few words.  Cannot use his hands well enough to text or be on the computer.  Can only walk with a walker.

I miss him.  I miss the man he was.  I miss the way he treated me.  And I will forever kick myself for not being there when he needed me, for walking out on him, for hurting him.  When all he wanted was to be loved. When all he wanted was me...

My biggest regret.

"You're such a strong woman..."

"You're such a strong woman..."

Ahhh, no no.  You don't understand.  I may look like one and I may act like one.
But inside, I'm terrified.

I understand that a spirit of fear is not from God.  I battle it constantly.  And I wage war against it.
But there are days when it threatens to overcome me and it's all I can do to hold it together.  My kids are looking to me for comfort and stability.  But I think they see the underlying fear.

The theme is always the same.  I can't do it all.  Ever since their father was taken away in 2005, I have struggled with the fact that I cannot work full time (+) and cook and clean and take them to all their appointments and do laundry, dishes, etc.

So I accepted "help"...settling.  Settling for mediocrity, comfortable, getting-by.

Which wasn't God's plan for me.  But I tried to make it work.  Because I "couldn't wait" for His power, His grace or His plan.

So here I am again.  Wishing I had waited.  Wishing I was stronger.
And smiling and nodding at all those people who say "Oh, you're such a strong woman!  I wish I were like you!  I don't know how you do it!"  Because smiling and nodding is easier than explaining or showing them the raw pain.
And smiling and nodding is easier than crying.

Surprisingly NOT stressed...

So much pooh has been hitting me lately. I could whine, but it wouldn't do any good. Cuz there are SO many others who have it worse...I'm just saying...
But in the interest of sharing, here are the highlights:

• The Oregon Powers that Rule My Life decided that I was taking too long to get my degree and seriously considered dropping me from the grant program that allows me to barely exist. When I appealed, they gave me another year - provided I scrape, grovel and cater to their every whim. (Yes, that is sarcasm)
• the Federal Powers that Govern My Education decided that They will not pay for my entire education any more - only 1/4 time will be allowed. Which makes it difficult considering that the above-mentioned OPRML require that I attend school FULL time. Hmmm, I wonder who's paying for the other 3/4's of this year's college education so I can get my Associates Degree? Any guesses? In about six months, I will be hosting a fund-raiser for bail money to get me out of the poor-house. Heads up...
• I lost a friend. A very dear friend. No, she didn't die. We came to a difference of opinions that made it impossible for the relationship to continue. It was unhealthy for both of us and for the best in the long run. But I miss her terribly and grieve for the loss. This is HUGE for me because I cherish my friends and am not that difficult to get along with.
• I have been having physical and mental symptoms of the dreaded "M" word that strikes fear into the hearts of any female over the age of 40. Waking up to change my night clothes once or twice a night, exhaustion, a mood lower than a snake's belly and private little vacations in the tropics have pretty much confirmed that. Apparently, despite sticking my head in the sand like an ostrich and pretending I would skate through it like a newborn colt on an icy pond, denial has once again served absolutely no purpose.
• After stepping on the scale and screaming so loud that my family thought I was watching a horror movie in the bathroom, it has become painfully evident that the 200 lbs I lost in the last five years after my gastric bypass has been insidiously re-establishing itself onto my rear end. I knew I should have cleaned out that bedroom closet! It must have been hiding in there just waiting for the chance to re-attach.

I know this post seems rather morose and just simply downright depressing but I don't mean it to be that way. Actually, there is much cause for hope! I do have faith that God will provide. He has taken care of me in the past and I am sure he will continue to do so...but sometimes the fear becomes overwhelming because I cannot see how. I am not good at relinquishing control - yet I must to maintain my sanity.

GOOD things do happen in my life as well! A wonderful man loves me and devotes his life to making me happy. My children are all healthy. I have many good, loyal friends. The midwifery business is picking up and I am moving forward, learning and growing. My car runs. There is a roof over my head. I have food in the fridge.

And I have begun a journey with Lindsey, Amy, Sharon, Danette, and Lisa in Blogworld where we support each other in a "kinda-public" format to become more aware of our relationship with God and how that relates to our weight. Just beginning the second week...but so far, I have been blessed beyond measure! If you'd like to pray for us or just follow along, you can find the His Weigh group over at Redefining Health.

That is, IF I haven't totally depressed you to the point where you have to go get that half-gallon of Death By Chocolate ice cream out of the freezer and eat it all while watching Little House On The Prairie Reruns...

;P

2009 New Year's quiz...

My friend at A Dusty Frame posted this quiz on her page...and I wanted to share it as well. God bless your new year!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Learn to start an IV and read a three lead EKG. I held and kissed a dear sweet man who died less than a week later and made a shirt for him to be buried in. I danced the two step and performed a marriage ceremony. And I became the parent of a Fifteen year old boy, an 11 year old girl, a 10 year old girl and a 7 year old girl.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't do resolutions. It just makes me depressed when I fail.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth or get pregnant?

No one close to me as in "related", but as a homebirth midwife's assistant, I have been present for several births. I think I got to go to about a dozen this year. And each one was special, amazing and different.

4. Did anyone close to you get married?

Yes, my bestest Friend T! And I performed the ceremony.

5. Did anyone close to you die?

My sweetheart's father. It was time for him to go. He had been battling cancer and COPD for a long time and he was so tired.

6. Travel?

Went across the state of Oregon several times to visit my honey. But that's about it...

7. Did you move anywhere?

Not this last year. I may get to move soon, though!! Got an application in for a FIVE bedroom house. Yes...I said FIVE.

8. What was the best month?

May was pretty good. And December was nice, too, but don't know that I have a FAVORITE month.

9. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

My sweetheart with me ALWAYS. A reliable vehicle. The financial means to help those who need it more than I.

10. What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 10th when Darlin' and I had a commitment party. June 17th when I realized I had survived for four years since my "personal 9-11". June 12 when my oldest daughter graduated to middle school.

11. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Lizzie says..."Does holding it all together count?" I wholeheartedly agree!

12. What was your biggest failure?
Flunking my EMT Intermediate practical exam...twice.

13. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not physically...

14. What was the best thing you bought?

My very own Doppler, BP cuff and O2 Saturation meter. So I have my very own "midwife's bag"

15. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My son. He is so wise at fifteen that I sometimes just stand in awe. He knows when I need a hug, he realized when he felt depressed and asked for a counselor, and he worked with that counselor to create a plan for the future with a positive outlook. Two weeks ago, his high school class was talking about career choices and MY BOY was the only one who knew what he wanted to work for.

16. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?

A family member who shall remain nameless. I'll have to leave it at that. The media with their false information, a lady named Alice and, sometimes, I must admit I appall and depress MYSELF.

17. Where did most of your money go?
Utility bills and Gasoline.

18. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Not much. There were lots of pleasant things in my life this year. But nothing really Woopee, Woohoo...Ya know?

19. What song will always remind you of 2009?
"If your goin' through hell, keep on moving. Face that fire, walk right through it. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there."

20. Compared to this time last year, are you:
A. happier or sadder?
B. richer or poorer?

A. Sadder. Starting to feel frustrated that my education and my relationship are not progressing as fast as I would like them to.

B. Right at this moment, poorer. I have seven dollars. But overall, I am richer - bills are semi-paid and I have enough to feed the kids.

21. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Hanging out with my kids...and studying.

22. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying, arguing, wandering aimlessly.

23. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve/Day?
Probably going to head up to a friend's house with my Honey and hang out till the ball drops.

24. What was an unexpected surprise?

A significant boost in my college financial aid check last September!

25. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No. Met my man in 2008 - Reconnected with an old high school sweetheart as well. Grew my love for my children and my friends.

26. What was the best concert you’ve been to this year?
A gospel music event at Salt Creek Baptist Church.

27. What was your favorite TV program?
Didn't watch TV...but if I happen to - it's HOUSE!!

28. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year?

Her name starts with an A.

29. What was the best book you read?
Life, Death, and everything in Between by Kelly Grayson

30. What was your greatest musical discovery?

That I should only try to play "Chicken Fried" on the guitar if I really, really, really don't care WHO hears me.

31. What did you want and get?

A passing grade in Elementary Algebra!!

32. What did you want and not get?

To pass my EMT Intermediate practical exam. To have my baby here with me full time. To own my own home, to be a millionaire, to have my hernia repaired and healing for my honey's father.

33. What was your favorite film of this year?

The boy with the Golden Cake. My first supporting role. (ok, I played a video store customer...but it was FUN!)

34. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 43. I don't remember what I did on my birthday...But I know my kids sang to me.

35. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

To have a timeline for my future.

36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Uhhhh, fashion? Surely you jest. My idea of fashion besides my EMT uniform is jeans, t-shirts and fleece. I did wear a dress three times this year for my sweetheart.

37. What kept you sane?
My children, My friends Scott and T, and a faith that God will take care of me no matter what.

38. What political issue stirred you the most?

I avoid politics. They give me a rash.

39. Who did you miss?
My grandma.

40. Random Memories from 2009?

Saying yes when I really should have said no.

My 14 lb cat and 11 lb dog rolling and playing on the carpet.

Learning to keep my mouth shut.

Dancing in my sweetheart's arms.

Finding Scott.

Officiating at my friend's wedding and another friend's Civil Ceremony.

More dental work than I really CARE to remember.

Births I attended.

My kids and I laughing together.

Teaching my daughter to sew.

Swinging at the park.

Encouragement from my amazing friends!!

To quote Lizzie...What about you? Want to play along? Let me know if you do.

Where I'm from...Again

I did this meme when I first started blogging. Hard to believe that was two-thousand Six! Coming up on my third Blog birthday here.
Anyway, I've thought and thought about WHY I am the way I am. Many people call me eclectic - an anathema - a study in contradictions. I'm asked "Why do you do this or act this way after you were raised just the opposite?"
Because I try to learn my lessons. I try to act grown up and responsible. But sometimes...that little three-year-old girl peeks out and wants to play. She tries to be good, she really does! It's just when someone says "NO-NO" she wants to know "But why?" or she yells "Uh-huh! I can SO!"

So here's where I'm from...

I'm from a teeny small town where everyone knows your name and the reputation that goes along with that name. Where you can't escape that reputation no matter how bad you are...or how good you are. Because that's how your family is...and who your family is. You can stand on a mountain top and scream at the top of your lungs "BUT THAT'S NOT ME!!" and no one will hear you - it just floats away on the wind.

I'm from being alone in a crowd of people and never feeling quite like I fit in anywhere. Half a mile to the school and no one on the bus will let me sit with them...even if they are sitting alone. I'm from wearing a dress always because of the church we went to - with services Wednesday nights and twice on Sunday unless you were running a fever or puking. And you had to prove it. No dances - not even a prom. Not smart enough for the honor society, not coordinated enough for the Jocks, not wasted enough for the Stoner crowd, not popular enough for the Cheerleaders.

I'm from making friends with people who were "different"...outcasts like me. The girl with the big buck teeth, the boy with all the pimples, the goofy one who's hair stuck out like a football helmet, the poor boy named Barry whom everyone called a Fairy. Those were the people I hung out with. Because I didn't and don't judge the book by it's cover.

I'm from believing that anyone handicapped was dangerous and scary and that you had to hide from Witnesses who came to the door. I'm from the land where every boy had something wrong with him - too loud, too quiet, too late, too touchy, too smart-mouth. I'm from being grounded for a month for being 30 seconds late and being grounded for three months for making a throw pillow for a friends' van because he gave me a ride to school. And, of course, he was a HE.

I'm from learning to mend, do laundry, cook, clean, preserve, bake, sew and pray. Because that's what good wives do. No one said that even if you do all that and do it perfectly - your husband still may not love you. I'm from Mom loves me, Dad loves me, Just Plain Gramma and Grampa love me no matter what I say, what I do or what I look like. So why won't everyone else in the world?

I'm from Commercial fishing with my father, Packing fish for the fish buyer, Driving pickups, Deer hunting with Dad, wood heat, a house with a cedar shake roof. I'm from sisterly fights, self-loathing, and being overweight. I'm from reading in the dark because I "went to bed to SLEEP, not READ". I'm from sneaking cigarettes at 15 and sneaking alcohol at 17 because I wanted to see what was so "evil" about them.

I'm from foster sisters and brothers, my parents taking in a family of seven for a year when our house had 3 bedrooms. Because those people needed us...it was the right thing to do. I'm from "yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir". I'm from washing all the walls and ceiling of the kitchen for seeing a rated R movie with my cousin at 14.

I'm from playing at my grandparents' houses and extended family get togethers at least once a month on a Sunday after church at my grandparents...Plywood sheet on sawhorses for a table. Kids crawling under the white tablecloth to steal olives from the cut crystal bowl. Auntie's potato salad, Great Gramma's Refrigerator yeast rolls, Plain Gramma's cooked chocolate pudding with the skin on top and homecanned tuna salad on wheat bread with real butter. I'm from my Gramma's hands permanently stained from weeding her one acre garden - fresh peas, baby carrots, corn on the cob, fighting with the deer for the ripe strawberries and snapdragon puppets.

I'm from sneaking cookies by tossing them out the second story kitchen window to my sister waiting below. I'm from dissecting slugs, rescuing starlings that had been shot, mixing eight different vitamin tablets and watching it eat through plastic, fried SPAM in Top Ramen, eating potatoes and fish because that's all we had. I'm from homemade birthday cakes and popcorn for dinner on Sunday nights cuz we had a big lunch after church. I'm from eating at the table and doing dishes by hand. And hating it.

I'm from old cars, a family dog named Ralph, QUIET during Lawrence Welk and the nightly news. I'm from wishing I could grow up faster, wishing I could slow down time, and wishing I could now go back and enjoy the time I had.

controlled insanity

Otherwise known as PMS.
Yup. I've got it. Woke up with it this morning.
One of the benefits of being over 40 is knowing what is causing your unreasonableness (if that's a word?)...

Unreasonableness as in... Wanting to kill people for no reason.
or ripping everyone's head off because I stepped on something mushy on the kitchen floor.
or crying because someone used my favorite purple fuzzy super-sized towel as a BATHMAT!
or crying just because I had to wake up this morning, tearing up everytime I think about my LB.

Not to mention bad dreams. Weird odd psycho bad dreams. And I don't watch scary movies. EVER.
But I know when the hormones are hitting because my brain cooks up some doozies, let me tell ya'.

I'm doing a wedding this weekend. It ought to be fun. I usually don't go around telling people that I officiate at weddings. But I don't think my huge host of 3 readers will think I'm odd. They already know I'm crazy (see above.) This one is going to be a big fancy affair. The last one I did was a "Redneck Wedding" - they got married in Camo and baseball hats.

Kids are heading out to the Fair and Rodeo with Gramma and Grampa this weekend. Gonna take them to the zoo on Wednesday thanks to a generous donation from a friend. Our last Hurrah week before school starts.

Well, I have to go...someone is breathing too loud in the other end of the house and I have to go scream at them...

cruddy mornin'

Morning.
Won't say "good" cuz it hasn't been so far.
Gotta figure out how to get food for the weekend. Waffles I tried to make for breakfast didn't work out well and I used the last of the sugar to make them.
My Loverboy has decided to go back to work on the other side of the state instead of here with me. When he works, he drives truck for 12 - 18 hours a day 6 days a week. Which means unless I come up with the money for the trip, I don't get to see him. For a long time.
And I have PMS. Which magnifies everything times ten.

I'm trying a new reward system with the kids. Seems all I do is break up fights and tell whiny girls to hush.

So I've been getting this daily devotional in my emails for about the last week from
Purpose Driven Connection. Today's message was about change...freeing yourself from bad habits.

ummm, yah, got a few of THOSE.

"The fear of what we might discover if we honestly faced our character defects keeps us living in the prison of denial. Yet, we often build our identities around our defects. We say, “It’s just like me to be” and “It’s just the way I am.” The unconscious worry is that if I let go of my habit, my hurt, or my hang-up, who will I be? This fear can definitely slow down your growth.

Only as God is allowed to shine the light of his truth on our faults, failures, and hang-ups can we begin to work on them. This is why you cannot grow without a humble, teachable attitude."

Attitude, huh? What about FEAR?
The fear of the unknown...as in "what in the heck will I do with myself if I don't have this habit in my life?"
The fear of what OTHER horrible habit I might pick up if I didn't have this one that "isn't so bad".
The fear of the withdrawals.
The fear that without some kind of stress reliever, I will crack.

Now...assuming I could conquer the fear, how do I grow the attitude? I am more than humble; my self esteem, in fact, is lower than an earthworm's belly. But often I am not so teachable. How do I get there?
I know better than to ASK for it. Because if I have learned nothing, I have learned that God doesn't just GIVE it, he TEACHES it to us through life experiences.
And I don't want to be taught to be teachable. That could only hurt.

I know the verse about How God does not give us a spirit of fear so I know where my fear comes from. But I also know how big it is.

MORNING!

OK, it's a little to early to be that loud. But I actually feel halfway positive this morning.

It's a good thing, I guess.

Feel like i'm getting caught up a little on my homework. Still got bills I can't pay, but HEY, that's my life!

Got woke up early when the Rescue Pager went off just before 6. An energetic LOL was out for her morning walk and fell. Poor dear. She was SOOOoooo embarrassed!
But better to be safe than sorry so we checked her out. Chief and I were the only ones who showed up so we went with it. Two EMT Basics against the world, hoping against hope that things wouldn't go south. Turns out one of our first responders lived right where she fell so we had help on scene. WHEW. She decided she just wanted her friend to drive her to the ER anyway.

Well, kids are stirring. Do have to tell you one funny before I go, though. Last night we were having a sit down dinner together. Was #2's idea ... we don't do it very often. It was nice! ANYWAY, #3 says "WOW, I've got a mosquito bite and it's BIG. Almost feels like a monkey bump." (I don't know if you dealt with those when you were a kid but it's when someone thumps you hard enough with their knuckle to raise a bump on your muscle.)
#4 sits up and looks at her with these HUGE eyes and exclaims "SISTER, WHEN have YOU been feeling a monkey's BUM?!?"
Ok, Ok, it struck me funny. I couldn't talk for about ten minutes, tears streaming down my face. We all had a good giggle over that one!

I'm feeling better!

Not 100%, but better.
Still struggling to catch up on my homework...don't even know if that is a possibility at this point.
Was cleaning my room and found a check for $40 that I had forgotten about so at least I will have gas money to get through the weekend.
Still have to work on the cell ph bill and the electric bill...but Loverboy keeps telling me to trust God; that God will provide for me.

I know he's right. But I have such little faith. I'm still scared, still lonely, still worried.
Why can't I just leave it with God? I know I'm a rotten child. I do not in any way, shape or form deserve rewards. But my kids... Surely God will provide for them.

That's what I'm asking for anyway.

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Number four funny of the day -

She crawls up next to me in bed this morning.
"Mom, were you married to our Father?"
"Yes, Squirrel. For fifteen years. Why?"
"I just wondered. What happened?"
"Well, we got a divorce."
"What's a divorce?"
"When you file a paper with a court and end your marriage."
"WELL, THAT is AGAINST the RULES!"
"oh Really!? what are these "rules"?
"#1. you get to be sixteen and you get a boyfriend.
#2 is you go out for awhile and then you get engaged.
#3 is when you marry them.
#4 is that you always talk nice.
#5 is that when you get mad, you work things out,
and #6 is that you are supposed to stay married forever, usually."

Now. Forever...and usually? I may be a redneck, but don't they call that an oxymoron or something like that?
Other than the age issue, she did have some good points, though. I'm just sayin'...

SIGH

I gotta toot my own horn for a minute here.

After a horrible year of relationship challenges, botched surgery, crippling depression and questioning myself constantly...
It feels very good to have made the honor roll for winter term.

GPA 3.63
Only 12% of the students in my college made it.

Good to be back!
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I miss my Loverboy desperately. He is carrying such a heavy load right now with Papa so ill. They have to move to the "big city across the border" for radiation treatments for three days every week.
Papa is getting so tired. So is LB. How I wish I could help him!! All I can do is pray. Will you join me please? Please?
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My EMT Intermediate class lasts a term and a half. So now the "and a half" is ending. No more night classes! Thank you, God! It will be cool to spend some time with my kids in the evenings.
Now I just need to pass the state certification tests on the 7th and the 16th.

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Am not quite so tired anymore. Maybe cuz I'm not so stressed. And I have been going to bed earlier. If you count falling asleep on top of a text book actually "going to bed".

I wonder if I can resell them with drool stains...
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Been trying to keep up with my work outs. Have to go three times a week to get an A in the class and so far...I've been almost keeping up!
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I did kind of blow it, though. Didn't get my state scholarship application in on time. Closed...no funds from them come fall.
AND I missed the deadline for the College foundation scholarship application as well.
What a slacker I am!!
Still haven't gotten to file my TAXES yet, either. I won't owe anything...but I sure could use the money if I get a return.

Don't ask me why I missed all these deadlines. I can't explain it. Just too many irons in the fire, I guess.
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Should hear about the state Police dispatch job soon. If I don't get something in the mail tomorrow (either yay or nay) I will call. I can't stand the suspense much longer.
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God bless your week!

Am I wild and crazy enough?

My kids think I am the coolest mom in the world.
Because we now have....in our dining room...a five foot high 3-D cardboard display from the local video game store. It can actually be used for some storage as it has little shelves in the sides.
But I don't think that is what attracts my children to it.

It's probably the two foot Poke*on characters on each side.
That and the fact that they got to carry it out of the video store and share the van with it all the way home.

AND I had the nerve to ask for it ... AND I'm allowing them to have it in the living room.

It actually kinda blends well with my chosen decor theme of Early American Yard Sale.
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Had EMT Intermediate Mock practical exams today. I went with my attitude in the toilet and fully did not expect to pass anything.
For the first two hours, I followed that pattern. I couldn't think, much less try to get an IV started, push a bolus of Lasix or run a code.

By 11am, I started feeling a little more myself. Don't know what is wrong with me...

Didn't have anyone to watch the kids today due to a "friend" not following through with her obligations. That made me sad.

I miss Loverboy, I miss Papa. It's probably all PMS, but knowing that doesn't change the fact that I feel that way.

Yes, I passed all six stations. IntraOsseus infusion, Trauma assessment, Medical assessment, IV start and medication bolus, Airway placement and Mega Codes.
Even got a couple of compliments from the instructors.

So why do I feel like running in my room and crying into my pillow? SIGH
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I've got the sewing bug. I want to sew SO badly. Have about 3 projects I REALLY want to get going on. I want to make a shirt for Papa. Got the fabric all picked out.
Need to make a dress for a friend...she asked me to.
And have a shirt all cut out to finish for my LB. He looks so handsome in them!

SIGH. Maybe soon.

He's lucky I'm not wild and crazy. I'd just get in the van and start driving right now! Just to be with him for ONE day before I had to come home. Just to touch him, hold him. Just to sit with Papa for an hour...maybe read to him and tell him how much I love him.

Still not real sure I won't do it...

Today

Today was kinda funny.

Bought myself one of those exercise balls. Hard not to call it a "birthing ball" cuz that's what I've always seen it used for. But had a meeting with my Basic Conditioning instructor yesterday and she recommended one. Gave me some ideas.
So I got one...80 inches around and HOT PINK. Came with a DVD, 2 lb. hand weights AND exercise bands.
#3 went to school and told her teacher all about it.
Yah. Major embarrassing.
Plus the kids keep snagging it and playing with it.

I give it about a week before they've popped it.
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Went on a rescue call today. Older lady, slurring her words, having a hard time staying awake. So I go in and run the call. Have four guys with me. Chiefs are out of town at a conference.
We get back in the rig and sit there for a second. The driver turns around and says
"SO! When did you get YOUR basic?"
Kinda takes me by surprise as I am not sure what he means.
Then it dawns on me that he's an EMT Basic and he THINKS I have gone in and taken over a call when I am a lower ranking First Responder.

I look him level in the eye and say "About eight months. Why? Did I do something wrong?"

He turns forward, starts the rig and says, "No. She's still alive, isn't she?"

Don't know what his problem is. Was he just being sarcastic? DID I do something wrong? Why does he feel the need to challenge me?
He IS shorter than me. I should just go meet him behind the firehouse and beat him up.

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Went to the kids' play and science fair tonight.
They did a scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It was SO CUTE. They let the kids with bigger parts read from the playbook so it wasn't REAL sophisticated...but that's ok. There are only about 12 kids in the entire elementary school. They made their own set out of refridgerator boxes.
It was the scene where Augustus Glub falls in the chocolate river. The kid who played Augustus is MAJORLY hyper. Can't sit still for two seconds. I'm NOT EVEN exaggerating.
So when it comes time for him to fall in the river, the teacher whispers "JUMP!" and he jumps in between the brown cardboard waves.
The play continues. My number three is "Willy Wonka" and Numbers 2 and 4 play parents of the spoiled children. So I'm trying to pay attention to them.

But every once in awhile...a little sneaker or hand pokes up over the cardboard.
and again. I giggle. His eyes peak out.
and I guffaw. THEN a whole leg sticks straight up in the air.
He JUST CAN'T hold still. Looks like he's doing the backstroke in there.

It was Hilarious!

I needed a good laugh.

PAD 11 - an Object

"To write a poem about an object (or objects)." My assignment for the day.

By "object", I'm assuming he means something inanimate. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

The tragedy of the coffee cup

It was just a plain and simple ceramic coffee cup,
Holding the magic potion that helps to wake me up.

Nothing very fancy, Santa's face in Red and white,
I'd pack around my java in from morning until night.

Took a picture of my favorite coffee holding urn
Used if for my cellphone wallpaper, the others I did spurn.

When in July, my friends would say, "SANTA? You are nuts!"
I'd smile and shake my head at their boring little ruts.

From microwave to dishwasher for two happy years,
Then came the day my dear mug broke! causing many tears.

It seems silly to some to be attached to a simple coffee cup
But I cradled that cup through such hard times, It's strength to sup.

I left it on top of my car that day, though I don't remember when.
I turned the first corner and the second corner, it didn't happen then.

When the third corner came onto the highway, a shattering hit my ear
I pulled over and gathered the pieces of my broken coffee cup dear.

I took them home and buried them proper in the green garbage can
With the respect and honor due an old friend who faithfully sat in my hand.

Now I have a new receptacle for my cherished lifeblood brew
It's black, sleek and double sized - I could get easily get used to the new!

PAD 10 - Friday

"Write a poem about Friday. Do you like Fridays? Despise Fridays? Of course, you can also write about something that happened on a Friday--or write an ode to Fridays".

It happened on a Friday

School was out for the summer
that day in 2005.
I just wanted to lay in my bed
the morning news live.

The children were arguing
one child began to yell "NO!"
Here comes the oldest up the stairs
to tell me his "tale of woe".

Tho' I expected to hear him
tell of something done wrong,
I would never have guessed that one minute
could suddenly become so long.

For in that one heart breaking instant
On a Friday morning in June.
The world I lived in stopped turning,
our future was lying in ruin.

My son and my daughter unraveled
a truth that was so hard to tell;
The past year of our lives, their father
had been putting my daughter through hell.

That Friday began the a new life for me
one of fear, mistrust and doubt.
Tears, police, plea bargains, prison;
things I never wanted to know about.

Possibly the wierdest post ever...

I didn't know how it felt.

I've never had a parent die.
Grandparents...
Friends...
Great grandparents.... Yes.
Two of them had long illnesses, but I was so young, I don't remember much of the particulars. The rest were quick. One day and they were gone. The way they wanted it to be. The way I want to go when it is my time.

So I could never really, REALLY feel what my sweetheart is going through. Yes, I hurt because he hurt and my heart breaks for him and the pain he is going through. Yet I have a peace inside that tells me I don't have to "grieve as others do who have no hope". I KNOW where I'm going when I die. And I know I will see them again.

But now, I've found something inside myself that is new and different. and it hurts like the dickens.
I love Papa, my Loverboy's dad. When LB called me today to say that Papa's CT scans were ominous... I was speechless.

Which is VERY rare for me.

And I know this sounds stupider than stupid... but I almost got angry with LB!
"You MADE me LOVE him! Now look what you did! This hurts! I don't want to care!"

Isn't that just the craziest thing you have ever heard?

Yet my heart is heavy - and everytime I think about him, I want to cry.

I didn't MEAN to love him. It just happened. Now what am I going to do?

Oh Baby!

Lizzie and I are friends over on Fa*eBo*k now. It's VERY cool!

Anyway, she did a post with some of her baby pictures in it. Said she had seen a couple other posts floating around the webberworld on that subject and thought it was cool.
I AGREE!! And I enjoyed seeing hers'. In the spirit of "Turn-about's-fair-play"...

Here's mine!

Two hours old...1966

Four Months old

Older n' Dirt...

I just recently signed up for FaceB--k.
Been hearing alot about it and thought "Why Not?"
Turns out it's not a Singles site...
and LOTS more grown up than M*Spa*e which
seems to have been taken over by high schoolers.

I found old classmates from my lil' ol' High School On the Hill.
Found a girlfriend I haven't seen since I was about 12.
Always wondered what had happened to her!

And my sister (who also has a FaceB--k page)
directed me to a foster-sister we had growing up.
She took this picture of my sisters and I...
if memory serves, this would have been somewhere in the mid 70's.

I'm the tall one in the back with my thumb up my nose.
And NO the sister next to me is NOT flipping the finger.
She's doin' the Fonzie "AAaaaayyyyy".

YOU remember THAT...Don't YOU??