"You're such a strong woman..."
Ahhh, no no. You don't understand. I may look like one and I may act like one.
But inside, I'm terrified.
I understand that a spirit of fear is not from God. I battle it constantly. And I wage war against it.
But there are days when it threatens to overcome me and it's all I can do to hold it together. My kids are looking to me for comfort and stability. But I think they see the underlying fear.
The theme is always the same. I can't do it all. Ever since their father was taken away in 2005, I have struggled with the fact that I cannot work full time (+) and cook and clean and take them to all their appointments and do laundry, dishes, etc.
So I accepted "help"...settling. Settling for mediocrity, comfortable, getting-by.
Which wasn't God's plan for me. But I tried to make it work. Because I "couldn't wait" for His power, His grace or His plan.
So here I am again. Wishing I had waited. Wishing I was stronger.
And smiling and nodding at all those people who say "Oh, you're such a strong woman! I wish I were like you! I don't know how you do it!" Because smiling and nodding is easier than explaining or showing them the raw pain.
And smiling and nodding is easier than crying.