Sunday, March 09, 2014

"You're such a strong woman..."

"You're such a strong woman..."

Ahhh, no no.  You don't understand.  I may look like one and I may act like one.
But inside, I'm terrified.

I understand that a spirit of fear is not from God.  I battle it constantly.  And I wage war against it.
But there are days when it threatens to overcome me and it's all I can do to hold it together.  My kids are looking to me for comfort and stability.  But I think they see the underlying fear.

The theme is always the same.  I can't do it all.  Ever since their father was taken away in 2005, I have struggled with the fact that I cannot work full time (+) and cook and clean and take them to all their appointments and do laundry, dishes, etc.

So I accepted "help"...settling.  Settling for mediocrity, comfortable, getting-by.

Which wasn't God's plan for me.  But I tried to make it work.  Because I "couldn't wait" for His power, His grace or His plan.

So here I am again.  Wishing I had waited.  Wishing I was stronger.
And smiling and nodding at all those people who say "Oh, you're such a strong woman!  I wish I were like you!  I don't know how you do it!"  Because smiling and nodding is easier than explaining or showing them the raw pain.
And smiling and nodding is easier than crying.

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