"You're such a strong woman..."

"You're such a strong woman..."

Ahhh, no no.  You don't understand.  I may look like one and I may act like one.
But inside, I'm terrified.

I understand that a spirit of fear is not from God.  I battle it constantly.  And I wage war against it.
But there are days when it threatens to overcome me and it's all I can do to hold it together.  My kids are looking to me for comfort and stability.  But I think they see the underlying fear.

The theme is always the same.  I can't do it all.  Ever since their father was taken away in 2005, I have struggled with the fact that I cannot work full time (+) and cook and clean and take them to all their appointments and do laundry, dishes, etc.

So I accepted "help"...settling.  Settling for mediocrity, comfortable, getting-by.

Which wasn't God's plan for me.  But I tried to make it work.  Because I "couldn't wait" for His power, His grace or His plan.

So here I am again.  Wishing I had waited.  Wishing I was stronger.
And smiling and nodding at all those people who say "Oh, you're such a strong woman!  I wish I were like you!  I don't know how you do it!"  Because smiling and nodding is easier than explaining or showing them the raw pain.
And smiling and nodding is easier than crying.

Just ranting...

So I'd like to know what the fascination is with death and dying nowadays.
My kids use the phrase like it's nothing. "I'm going to kill you" or "I'd like to kill that person".
The stories they write are about death...
"The person killed half the dragon family so they went to hunt him down and, even though he said 'Sorry' they burned him up with fire."

What they don't get is that threatening to kill people - even if you don't mean it - is deeply frowned upon in the public school system lately.
And that means I get called by the school counselors, teachers and principals.
Alot.

Yes, I talk to them.  Yes, they are good kids.  Yes, they understand the value of human life.
Apparently what they DON'T get is how to manage their mouths when they are angry.
Psalm 4:4 in the KJV says "Shake with anger but do not sin"...

I guess sometimes I wonder if it counts if you SAY it but would never actually DO it.
Then again, what do I know?  After several failed relationships and life circumstances that have blindsided me out of the blue, I have come to understand that I'm an extremely poor judge of character.  What if, someday, one of them does "it" - the unthinkable?
Is this how the parents of the kids from Columbine feel?  Kids in gangs who take other people's lives without a second thought? Do their parents look back and think "If only I'd seen this!  If only I'd done something."

This is WAY too deep.  What can I do except raise them the best I know and pray.
My son said the other day "You are an awesome mom - and an incredible dad, too."  It's tough being a single parent, especially after traumatic relationship fails.  Parenting kids with PTSD, OCD, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Hallucinations, SID and Aspergers while working full time is tough.
I don't know how anyone could do it without Someone to lean on.
Someone who has my back always.  Someone I can trust.
In the last couple of years, my best friend has passed away, my second best friend walked out on me to make a new life with my boyfriend. All of the guys in my life have decided I am not good enough because I don't have time for them.  I guess all that working and parenting stuff gets in the way of their fun.

Whatever.

But I know that God loves me.  I know He's there for me.  He has proven Himself over and over.  I'm honored and blessed and a daughter of the King of Kings.

I'm also lonely.  I wish God had physical arms to hold me when I cry.  An audible voice to remind me that He's here...He's got me...It'll be ok.

Sigh.  **Pulls up big girl panties**  time to get back to work...

Maybe I'm a little paranoid...

If someone hurts your heart over and over again...
If someone says "I'm sorry" but makes a pattern of the same behavior...
If someone tries to avoid talking to you in front of his best friend...
If someone says he can't make the trip to see you but partied four out of the last seven nights...
If you watched someone destroying themselves and losing control of themselves so often, Respect was almost nonexistent...


and then said he loved you, would YOU believe him?

Maybe I'm just paranoid...I don't know...

Not complainin'...I'm just sayin'...

I hope you all have a WONDERFUL and blessed New Year. I'm hoping and praying for LOTS of changes...the biggest of which would be being able to be with my fiance' LB.
The reasons we are apart seem silly to the teenager in me, but being responsible adults we find it necessary to pay bills, care for loved ones, be broke...you know, stuff like that.
Not complainin'...I'm just sayin'...

Went and got a food box today. I am always amazed at the odd things people DON'T buy in the store that end up at the food bank.
Not complainin'...I'm just sayin'...

For Instance -
Meatless Burger mix. By the way, there is a Warning on the label that says DO NOT ADD OIL. I never did figure out if that meant it would cause the patty mix to explode or simply increase the fat content to unhealthy levels.
Speaking of Patty Mix, there was a frozen brick of Hamburger patty mix. OK, the scary part is the word "Mix". Mix of...WHAT? beef and some other meat? Beef and various plant solids? Beef...parts? OHhhhh my. I think I don't want to now.
A plastic container of bird feed. No...WAIT...it just LOOKS like bird food. It is really a blend of natural rices. I remember something like that when I was a kid. My dad called it "hot cereal". It was really a semi-cooked blend of various seeds and grains served in a warm state with brown sugar and milk. I swear to this DAY I can lift semi trucks with my mandibular muscles from the chewing required to get that "cereal" down my gullet. But at least I was "regular" from all that fiber!
2 dozen cartons of 1% milk came in a cardboard flat. Seems the local school district was shut down for an extra week and needed to get rid of the extra milk ordered for the school kids. The pull date on them was Dec 26th. Ummm, what's today?
There was a plastic bag with frozen vegies and broth. The little label said it was vegie soup. It actually didn't look half bad...for someone over the age of 18. My kids would take one look at that and go "EEewwwww! Gross, Mom."
There was a baggie of cooked mystery meat. But if you haven't had meat in awhile...it actually didn't look half bad either.

Yah, like I said...I'm not complainin', I'm just sayin'...
So I'll save all that stuff and pass it on to someone who will use it. Except for the meatless patty mix. I might try that just out of curiosity.

There was some REALLY good stuff in the box that I was SO grateful for...like a turkey, a pound of butter, alphabet pasta, spaghetti sauce, and a BIG bag of baking mix. Blessings, blessings, blessings when things are tight.

OK, that was the light hearted half of the post. The rest of this is pretty depressing, opinionated, sarcastic and snarky. So if you don't choose to read on, I'll understand.
Have a Happy New Year, Dear friend!

NOW, to my emotional dump site. I HAVE to get this out...

I did get a reprimand today at Podunk FD. I stopped by to see if anyone had found my stethoscope. It's a really cool purple one...and I guess it's my own fault for taking my OWN equipment on a call. But so far no one has found it. Maybe I left it at the last call I went on. But while I was looking, El Jeffe' called me into his office to let me know that I had been too vocal during calls. We are to take turns "managing the call" and directing the care. It doesn't matter if they forget something or don't notice something, I am to keep my mouth shut until I can ask the manager about it later. Do not ask the patient questions, Janean! Do not ask the patient questions. Gotta remember...gotta remember...
So I will. It's just my type A personality and perfectionism peaking through.
That and my lack of tact and intolerance for incompetence and my mothering attitude. I want to take care of each patient as if they were my child.
I'll have to work on that...

You know, they should make a special key or emoticon or color or code or something that indicates sarcasm.

Numbers Two and Three have decided to have a "slumber party" in the living room. Number four wants to sleep with me. Number one spent his own Christmas money to buy a bottle of Martinelli's Sparkling Cider so he could celebrate the new year. I think he's come out of his room about 23 times since 4pm to tell me he loves me. Maybe it's because he caught me crying earlier. For a kid who is six foot three and about 300, he sure does have a soft heart.
So I sit here on the computer and type. To keep from going crazy, you know. Or at least going COMPLETELY crazy. I think I'm pretty much halfway there.

Got an email from a sister. I can't repeat the language here but basically she criticized my parenting, my character, my faith, and my integrity. Because of LB.
In case I forgot to mention it, my parents, aunts, uncle and two of my siblings loathe LB, sight unseen.
They are viewing the situation through the lens of prejudice.
And you have to admit, I haven't always made the best choices when it comes to mates.
But to not even give him a chance? And to lump him in with the rest of his "kind" instead of operating under the teachings of the Jesus Christ they raised me to know and love...it's just wrong.

I am going to take a stand. So I have agreed not to discuss Loverboy with them if they will refrain from trying to influence my children. If they want to explain their perspective, I can deal with that. I have explained mine to them in as neutral a way as possible.
I believe my kids have a right to make up their own minds about what is right and wrong, good and bad.

YUP, turn in my Mommy license. According to them anyway. And maybe I'm wrong on this. But I am going to take a stand. I hate that it is causing a rift in my family. I mean, I really hate it. But they don't even know him. They have never even seen his face. He has tried to talk to them and been hung up on. He sent them emails without response. So I continue to be kind, but firm.
No, I'm sorry, but prejudice is wrong. And I am disappointed. I never expected it from them.

All that to announce that we are going to visit them tomorrow. I wish with all my heart that I was heading to see LB. Maybe I will on Friday. But the kids want to see their grandparents. And I need to feel the ocean air I grew up with flow through my brain, unclench the knots in my shoulder muscles and listen to the sound of the waves wash through my heart until I am able, once again, to leave this huge pile of stress with my Heavenly Father.
I am so buried right now that I am finding it difficult to talk to Him. Heck, I'm finding it difficult to get out of bed. I have been doing alot of that "groaning" before the Lord, because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to fix everything. I don't even know where to look. I am desperate. I am scared to death.

And I think maybe I need some new medication.

God bless your new year. It HAS to get better than this.

here it is! the photo you've all been waiting for...

LOVERBOY

Goodness, isn't he handsome?!? BATTING EYELASHES, BIG SILLY GRIN

You'll have to pardon the fact that i look like I've been crying.
Probably cuz I HAD been crying.
Leaving him tends to do that to me.

Loverboy...Introduced

Alright...So I DON'T have a picture yet. Hopefully soon...
But let me tell you the story.

Back around March of this year, I was visiting with my counselor. She asked WHY I was still with MG. I told her that it was "comfortable. I love him and I know he's gonna be there."
Then came the million dollar question...
"Well," says she, "what about romance?"

So I thought for awhile...

and I thought...

And it occurred to me that I wouldn't know "romance"...the head-over-heels, butterflies-in-the-tummy, I-can't-wait-to-see-him romance if it came up and bit my behind. Not that my suitors haven't done some cute, sweet things. I've gotten flowers once or twice, cards on holidays, candy for Valentines'...
But it's not about that! I didn't feel it, didn't even KNOW what it would feel LIKE...how sad, says the counselor.
Well, That's life, say I!

Fast forward to April...
MG is leaving, I have surgery, fall into depression and become ill. Forget men. Don't need 'em. They are just like big kids and, forgive me, but I have ENOUGH kids to take care of. I'm sure if you've read my blog at all, you know how dark things were right around then.
In August, we were driving up the gorge to visit Ex's father and his wife. I'll call them Pa and Ma. Sweet, sweet people. Supportive of the kids and I and snowbirds...so we don't get to see them except a few times in the summer. ANYWAY...
Flat tire. MAJOR irritation. I've only changed a tire ONCE...and that was on a Suburban, with everything easily accessible. You won't BELIEVE where the spare is located on an Astro van AND the gymnastics you have to go through to get the durn thing OUT OF THERE!
In a rest area...
lotsa shady characters...
four little girls and a mutt with me...

JUST JOLLY!

Up saunters the "Knight in shining Denim"...Southern drawl "Kun Ah Hewlp ya', Ma'am?"
Ummm, welll, I have this flat tire here...
"Nuh Problum, Have 'er fixed in a jiffy!"
Sweet smile. A joke or two. Exchanging pleasantries...and it's done.
wow!
He stands up and I notice that he's tall. Lookin' down at me tall.
Bedroom eyes...
What a tan!...
And he wants my phone number. "Just so I kun mek sure ya'll git where yer goin' allright."
He gives me his. Home number, work number, cell number, full name...
I'm sure at this point I look like a schoolgirl, big grin, red cheeks (notice a lot of giggling coming from the van...which doesn't help...OH how I wish I had dressed up a little!)

He calls later. And we talk.
And talk...
and talk...
(Yes, I know this post is getting long, I'm sorry..............OK, so I'm not. Thought about bein' sorry, though! SMILE)

Talked the next night, too. Cell phone minutes are free after nine pm, you know.
Finally hang up somewhere around one thirty. In the morning. Yes, I'm insane.

We talk. We text. We talk some more. We IM. We Email.
And we decide to meet again. Somewhere where I'm not the damsel in distress. And the Knight doesn't have to be the Knight.
It takes some work and planning but somewhere about the first part of September, we meet for lunch. And it keeps going on this way. Visits here and there...
And I discover what romance is all about. I am constantly amazed at the things he does not because he thinks I will like it, or because he's trying to win me. But because that's just who he is.
He is a truck driver. He loves God. He's 48 and six foot two. Served 12 years in the military. He lives on the other side of the state about 6 hours away and has to stay there for awhile as he has a commitment to his boss to finish the job. I respect him SO MUCH for that! In fact, I respect him for everything he does. I respect him for the way he acts and I respect him for what he believes. That is another thing I have never had in a relationship before.
He adores my kids and they think he hung the moon. He gave me two of his T-shirts and a fleece jacket because he wanted me to have something of his. No, I didn't ask. But it made me swoon!
He sings...very well. And plays several instruments. So he plays the guitar and sings to me. OH HEAVENLY DAYS, how I have dreamed about this since I was 14!
We bought matching tennis shoes at Payless Shoe Source the other day. Same size, too! And it was HIS IDEA!
He does dishes, folds laundry and vacuums. Swoon, again!

When we go walking, he holds my hand. Not just holding his hand OUT for me to take and try to keep up. No, he REACHES for me, wraps his fingers around mine and holds on snugly, to keep me safe, taking care how he walks and being aware of me always. It is evident that my welfare never leaves his mind.
Something breaks? He fixes it. Work to be done? He does it, even after driving truck for 12 hours a day. Someone need help? He's there.

OK, OK, he has his faults. Trucker language. But not around the kids.
Has a problem with organized religion...seen one too many self professed Christians that have treated him badly or not helped others when they should have. Can't blame him.
He can barely cook.
and he can not for the life of him understand WHY I love him.

Gee, I don't know!
Could it be that he treats me like a princess and waits on me hand and foot? Could it be that he holds me in his arms, kisses me till I feel dizzy, helps me cook dinner if I'm tired, built a catapult with #1 for a school project when this momma had NO CLUE what to do? That he always looks out for MY best interests and defends the kids like they were his own! He makes me feel feminine and beautiful, complimenting me over and over...no caveats, no exceptions, no disclaimers.
No "gee, if you only lost 20 lbs." or "wow, how'd you get that scar?" or "Eww, what happened to your legs?"

I know I agreed to marry him after only 2 months. Let me tell you what, are people rolling their eyes and saying "there she goes AGAIN, making another poor choice."
But I have never, in my life, met anyone I am more in tune with than this man. We have learned from our past mistakes and are both ready to make a future together before God.

Loverboy adores every part of me, unconditionally, without reserve, 100%. I am not 3rd or 5th on his list of favorite things in life. I am number one. He WANTS me with him, doesn't spend his time trying to figure out how to be away from me. He talks everything over with me. We are making plans, sharing dreams, discussing challenges, learning from each other, cheering each other on. When I cry, he holds me. When he cries, I hold him. The burdens are lighter because we carry them together.

I don't know...but I think this is how it's supposed to go.
I am so happy and so blessed.

Time Flies...

You know, Time DOES fly when you are having fun!
I have been up to SO much the last two months. And not all of it good. WINK
You all are going to think I'm totally random here, but I just have a minute or two to update cha'll!
First of all...I PASSED MY EMT BASIC EXAM! So now you are reading the blog of an official, honest-to-goodness, 100% bonafide, Nationally and state-wide certified Basic Emergency Medical Technician! A sweet little lady from church sent me a card. Got it yesterday. In spidery LOL (little old lady) handwriting, she told me how proud of me she was. And there was a HUGE paper medal inside that says "I DUN REAL GOOD!"
TOO FUNNY! and too sweet!
Was over at 5M4M and got an update on my precious friend Kelli. She needs a kidney. Badly. So we are asking everyone to please consider donating one of yours. All the info you need is on the link behind Kelli's name above. Just as a favor, at least go read it?
Now that I'm an EMT, I thought it only fair that I give law enforcement a fair and equal opportunity. So I am about half way through the hiring process at our local Podunk PD to serve as a reserve officer. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Next up is passing the physical agility testing...This may be the stopper...we'll see.
My mom is healing up well. She has severe osteoporosis which is making her bones brittle. So she has to be very careful. But she and I are a little at odds right now...
Because I've decided to accept a proposal of marriage.
I know, I know, I know. It's only been three months since I met him and six months since MG and I broke up (you remember, where I SWORE off men forever?) Ummmm Yah.
But God had other plans.
And he brought Loverboy into my life. The second question he asked me was how I felt about God. I am treated like a queen on her birthday! When I am with him, I don't carry a thing. I don't open a door...NAY, even touching a door handle is a sin. OK...just teasing. But he respects me, adores the kids and we are a team. Each time I have asked for blessing on this relationship, God has given it.
Yet there are those with their doubts.
So we are waiting...Till the end of next year. We have all the time in the world.
I'll share more about him later and update you on the kids...but right now I have to go pick them up at school! Gonna be late - YIKES!

Other than that...

I spent last night sleeping in a chair next to the hospital bed of my mother who broke her leg just standing still in her kitchen.
Surgeon told me as soon as my surgical wound from April heals, he'll make another one to repair the hernia caused by the previous surgery.
Everyone but me in the office I am "working" in quit, leaving me alone.
I have to have a root canal this week.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT...
Things are pretty dern good!
My kiddos start school Tuesday...YEEEHAWW!
I passed my final EMT Basic clinical, so I just have to pass the written test to get my certificate.
I won two more scholarships so that makes 7 of them PLUS financial aid. Pretty much WAY set for tuition, books and fees for the entire year!
Everyone is healthy.
I got a NEW bed with brass and porcelain headboard and pillowtop mattress...FREE.
The same person who gave me the bed also gave me a like-new four drawer filing cabinet! Which I REALLY needed! AND some books...and some movies!
What a great blessing.

I went on this date the other day.
I've always wanted someone who actually HOLDS your hand when he holds your hand, you know. Have you ever tried to hold someones hand and they just let their hand HANG there and expect you to hang on? I usually just bail and let go.
But not this guy! He hung on like glue...And I loved every minute of it! WINK
He's a truck driver...I LOVE trucks! I have a poster of a Freightliner Coronado on my bedroom wall, for Pete's Sake. (OK, not a Pete, it's a freightliner...figure of speech).
He sings to me! OH wow. I've never had anyone do that before. Positively makes me SWOON. Don't ask me what "swoon" means, I don't know, but it sounds good.
DREAMY deep brown bedroom eyes. Little dimples when he smiles. A laugh so warm it melts me like butter. Taller than me...which is always a plus.
And he is addicted to me. We talk on the phone for 4 - 5 hours most nights. I think he's wonderful. He thinks I'm wonderful.
It's all sappy and mushy and twitterpated and teenaged and fascinating and incredible.
This could be headed in an interesting direction. VEWY INTEWESTING

Still working on qualifying for the ORPAT testing. Remember the one? Where I got this wild hair and decided to try for a reserve officer position with Podunk PD? I've been exercising...some. Running, walking, running stairs on the high school bleachers.
Owwwww.
I also went to my first ever Rescue Squad team meeting. IT WAS SO COOL! I can't believe it's FINALLY happening.

I've got some other stuff to write, but got a kid wanting help in the tubby tubb tub. So I better run.
Take it easy ya'll!

Like a fine wine, we get better as we age

I don't know how many of you have seen this essay come through your email inbox. Or, like me, Five or thirty TIMES. If you have seen it, I apologize, but I just have to post it. Too many good points!
It is credited to Andy Rooney...I vaguely remember him. He seemed like a pretty smart guy when he was on the news. Then when I read this...I KNEW he was a smart guy. I just kinda chuckled under my breath because I remember how I was when I was younger. I have DEFINITELY mellowed with age. Or...maybe I have just realized that age and treachery will overcome youth and enthusiasm ANY day.

ENJOY...


"As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

• A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
• If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does somethin g she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
• Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
• Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
• Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
• Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
• Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smar t, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. "

Police, Prayers and Positive thinking

Hope you all are having a great weekend! I spent the morning doing something totally WILD!

I tested for Reserve Podunk PD officer. Aced the written, but the physical? Well, let's just say I was much less than spectacular. But it gives me something to shoot for and they retest every month. So I'm gonna go for it. It is something that ranks high on my "Bucket List" and the kids want to practice running the obstacle course with me, so HEY, kill several birds with one stone!

I wanted to ask your prayers today for a BRAVE little girl. She is in my #2's class at school. She has two pages that she keeps updated, one at My Life With God By My Side and a Caring Bridge page for Kennedy. My heart breaks for her mom, Dad and Brother...and for Kennedy herself. She says on her blog today that she is feeling lonely so let's surround her with God's love. I know how "lonely" feels and it's NO FUN!!

I'm doing good, ya'll. I still have my moments when life seems too big, but I can handle it now and am ready to face the challenge once again. Thank you for all your love and support during this crappy depression. It was so amazing to me how it could just sneak up and ambush me like that for no reason! Pretty Freaky! And it was weird to see how people handled it; the kids thought I was sick. One mentor woman at church was actually avoiding me...I think I scared her. I've had others distance themselves because I'm too "needy". My mom just had a hard time dealing with my stuff AND her own issues so she hasn't been over in quite awhile.

**NOTE HERE - Anyone who stopped reading my stuff because I was too dark or odd, I'm all done so you can come back now!!**

Working on building my "real life" friend base, too. It's coming along slowly but surely. But I now have several friends that I know face to face that I can call or text when I get lonely. Not relying so much on the ol' MG anymore. Which is good, cuz he only calls or texts when he needs something now. No sharing, talking, somedays I don't think he even reads the texts I send him. I miss him still.
ANYWAY, I now have D'Mom, Double E, The AltMan, Doc, Frankay, Barb and the Deputy stashed in my cell phone. Makes me smile just to see their names; I don't quite feel so alone anymore.

Well, gotta go clean the fish tank and set up my training course. Take care!

TRUCK DRAG PHOTO SHOW

This is the first time I have ever created a slide show.

It was cool! Kinda fun! But nowhere NEAR the FUN I had Saturday!

So many words to describe the day...Awesome, amazing, exciting, fascinating, fun, incredible, BLAST, interesting, refreshing, the shot-in-the-butt I needed. Yet nothing covers it all.

So THANK YOU, Double E (Escort Extraordinaire). I am honored and blessed!

Small joys

I am so glad that my God allows me to see the little joys inside the big pain. Otherwise, I'd be in a world of hurt right now.
A precious friend taught me the concept of asking Christ to bind thoughts that cause pain or distress. WOW, have I used the dickens out of that blessing in the last three weeks.

Before my surgery, I spoke to my mother. She hasn't forgiven MG for hurting me. In fact, she does not say his name...she refers to him as Bu**head. She wanted to come be with me for the surgery. But I told her that he would be here watching the kids. I told her that he had expressed repentance and asked for forgiveness then asked her to pray about being able to "work with him" for the one day of my procedure so I could have her and the assurance that the kids were safe and cared for.
The next day she called me first thing in the morning and said "Well, I prayed about it and I don't feel that God wants me there as long as you choose to have anything to do with Bu**head."
That hurt on two levels. First, that I was not important enough for her to set aside any challenges she had. Secondly, that she blamed it on my God. She cannot forgive him for "hurting her daughter", yet she hurts me over and over again, usually without regret. Just today, she called to see how I was. Started out with "So, is Bu**head still there?" and ended up telling me how I had ruined my children because I never follow through with what I say I will do. Then, "I love you, honey. Try to rest." click.
There are lots of reasons why I continue the relationship with her. She is on lots of medications and is in constant pain. I realize that sometimes she doesn't even know what she is doing.
And I also realized this morning that I am GLAD she was not here for my operation. I'm glad she has chosen to stay away while MG is caring for me and the kids and I actually dread the day he goes home because it means that I will have to deal with her. She stresses me out, runs me down and makes me feel as if I need to care for HER when I am desperately in need of care for myself. It's a small joy...

I have been having such a hard time with my wound. It is open. About 10 - 12 inches stretching down from my belly button (sort of...he sewed part of it closed) and the top two inches and bottom three inches are open. Deep, oozing....OK, OK...I'm grossing myself out. Everytime I shower, I look at in and cry. I am having a hard enough time trying to rebuild my self esteem after the realization that I am not enough to keep anybody happy. No matter how hard I try or how much I love someone, I am not enough. How do I attract someone new with grey hair, glasses, scars, bat-wings and a belly-flap that is now decorated with a gash the size of Missouri? Why do I WANT to attract someone new? What am I THINKING??!!?
So my Bible study this morning was Romans 8:35-39. "What can separate us from the Love of God?" And it just spoke to my heart..."GOD LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!" Nothing can make Him shrink away and say "Gross!!" I'm resting in that for right now. Another small joy...

MG is not mine. I am not number one in his life any longer. He cares for me and we are the greatest of friends...even closer now than when we had a "relationship". But he talks about wanting to go home. He talks about plans that don't involve me. He feels the need to check his email about 23 times a day and he has phone conversations with someone using his "sweet voice". And every once in awhile, jealousy pinches my heart. I cry "Bind that thought, Lord Jesus!" And He does. Giving me peace. But as much as I appreciate MG being here and I don't know how I am going to manage after Monday...I kinda am looking forward to him going home so I won't have that "in your face" pain several times a day. A small joy that soon, I will be able to move forward and stop living in the past.

A small joy that a general surgeon was there in the operating suites between cases just when the OB/GYN doing my surgery got into trouble and was desperately trying to save my life.

A small joy that when the wound opened in the parking lot of the hospital and blood was running through my fingers as I held my belly, I staggered into the emergency room, said HELP ME and my pastor was there waiting with someone else.

A small joy that my church family brought us dinner for six days and another friend is bringing pizza tonight.

A small joy that as I lay in my bed hour after hour, my children come and sit with me. They share their days, we sing, we do homework and sometimes we just watch TV together snuggled together.

A small joy that my college professors have agreed to work with me so I don't have to drop out of this semester and lose my grant.

A small joy that my aunt was able to spend time with me when I was in the hospital and she brought me flowers, lotions, magazines and a CD player with some CD's. I am still using it and it really helps me relax.

A small joy that I have pain medication.

A great joy that I have friends like you who lift me up in prayer. I need that the most.

The Ground Rules

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.
And I’ve decided that IF I am ever to THINK about another “romantic” relationship, I need to come up with a few ground rules; a contract, if you will.
Just so we have everything out on the table. That way we will both know what is expected of us.
Ov course he must have a personal relationship with God and be willing to be the spiritual leader of the household (as soon as I figure out how to give that up - big control freak that I am!)
As for the rest of life, I think it's fairly simple.
Here goes…

I WILL:
· Do your laundry
· Cook excellent dinners
· Vacuum
· Hold you when you are upset
· Laugh with you
· Cheer you on
· Listen whenever you want to talk
· Clean the Bathrooms
· Rub your back
· Rub your feet
· Snuggle with you
· Kiss you at least five times a day
· Keep you warm at night
· Pray with you

IN RETURN, I only ask:
· That you love and respect my children
· Help me with the chores when you can
· That I am enough for you, your one-and-only (no flirting with other women, ogling or pornography)
· That you talk to me…say “thanks for all you do”, “I appreciate you”, and “you are wonderful”.

I’m thinking there must be a guy out there somewhere who would be willing to make this work. I still have hope. Although I don’t know why.

I just know that I’m gonna be checkin’ my list if another relationship comes my way. No compromises.

So I don’t know…what do you think? Am I being unreasonable? Is it too much to ask?

The Long, Long, Long, Long day

Yesterday was amazing.
Dropped the kids at school, #4 at the sitters and headed to the clinic for Prenatal day.
Got through two appointments and a mommy calls to say she's in labor. So we cancel the afternoon appt.s and head for her place.
We get there at one and baby is born at 3:30. Stayed till 6:30 to clean up. They made us the most incredible chicken soup with homemade bread, meats, cheeses, Russian Tea. WOW.
Ooops, I digress. Anyway, the baby was a boy. Gorgeous in every way. Mom and dad were sweet and wanted pictures with all of us.

Without MG around, the kids had to fend for themselves. #1 fixed the others dinner (kinda...it was spaghetti-o's but he's 14 so what do we expect?) and they didn't fight at all. I was SO proud.
I had a final in EMT Basic at 7 so thought I would just stay in the Big City. Turns out I HAD to...because I had left the lights on in my van and it wouldn't even click. Deader'n a doornail, as my grampa would say.

So the midwife drops me off at the college just in time. I am sans uniform, but the instructor is cool and let me stay. Did well on the final (I think...grades aren't out yet) and another student drove me back to my van to charge my battery.

Left the house at 8am...got home at 9:30 pm. Had a sitter come stay with the kiddos from 6p till I got home. But everyone did fine and everything worked out.

Just a long harrowing day. I'm glad there's no more wee ones due until the end of April. Give us all some time to adjust.
#4 came and crawled in bed with me at 3am. Just to make sure I was home.
My children seem happy and well adjusted. Wish I felt the same way. In time, I guess.

Got another final on friday then spring break looms ahead. I'd love to take the kids to visit family. But finances are too tight for that. Guess I'll have to break out the craft box and plan some theme dinners. Invite some people over to play. Try to make it special anyway.

Had to go get a food box today. Always a humbling experience. But the LOL's (Little Old Ladies) manning the local pantry are just dolls. Gave me some pork chops and a cake for the kids. Yeehaw!

I'm lonely. Wish I had someone to talk to and share my day with. Guess I'll just be blogging more, huh? It's kinda like talking. The counselor says I need to get used to taking care of myself instead of taking care of others all the time. Easier said than done.
I have been kinda fixing up my bedroom some, though. Maybe I'll scrape the texture off the woodwork and try to do a border or something.

We'll see.

Miss you all

Good morning, friends.
I have been thinking the last two days about how much I miss you. I have been unable to visit or even sign in to my own blog because I have been so busy with school and kids.
I am doing well and I hope you are, too. God is good and will see me through the days ahead.
Had an abnormal yearly test with complications so will have to go have more testing done. The dr. doesn't seem too worried though because they didn't schedule me for that testing until April third.
Have had some amazing clinical experiences the last two weeks including an eight hour shift in the emergency room of the tiniest hospital in America, an eight hour shift in a nursing home and doing an entire prenatal visit all by myself for the first time ever.
MG and I have decided to end our romantic relationship and simply remain friends. I think I just don't know how to do a relationship properly. I've tried three times now and screwed it up every time. So I quit. That's it.
My kids are well. Got a couple of birthdays real recently. The boy is 14 now. I have been so proud of him the last few days.
Little girl will be six next week. My baby is growing up!!
I gotta go get ready for church, but I will write more soon. I promise. I have to. It heals.

Guys, ghosts and dreaming

So much running through my head as I sit here at 4-ablinkin-thirty in the morning.

Why can't relationships ever stay the same? I love MG...don't get me wrong. It's just that life has fallen into such a "rut". Maybe I'm not putting enough effort into it. I'm busy cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, finishing quilts, doing schoolwork, sleeping, appointments, deliveries, prenatals...sometimes I feel like I neglect him.
I think he's feeling the same way. Yesterday, he told me I was beautiful. I used to hear it about 10 times a day. Now, I'm down to once a week if I'm lucky. I haven't had a backrub in about 2 weeks. And I give one every night. So sometimes I guess I start feeling selfish.
And then I feel guilt. I shouldn't be in the relationship for what I can get out of it!
Argh. Maybe I'm just psycho.

I have a ghost in my house.
My ex doesn't call anymore. He knows I have MG here and that bugs him. And when he called the kids would want to talk to him and I had to say no. He writes once in awhile...
But his ghost hangs around. Just when I think the kids have forgotten and life is moving forward, one of them says something and the wounds are ripped open again.
I was taking clothes out of the drier and number 3 comes up behind me.

"Mom, when is Dad coming home?"

If you listen real carefully at this point, you can hear little pieces of my heart dropping to the floor of the laundry room. Why do my kids have to keep HURTING over this? Will it ever stop? Will they EVER forget? I know she's only 8...but he's been gone for over two years now.

"Baby, we've talked about this. Daddy can't EVER come home. Even if he wasn't in jail, he can't come home. And it's NOT because of you or anything we did...it's because of his poor choices. He's dangerous, baby. I know you love him, but I can't trust him not to hurt you."

"Well, I miss him, Mom!"

I know, Sweetheart. I know.
I don't tell her this, but I miss him, too. Or I miss the man I THOUGHT he was...before I knew of the evil inside. I miss my life of not having to work, of not worrying about bills, I miss the new house we were buying, I miss the "fairy tale".

Like Elliot says in E.T. with an alien strapped to the front of his bike - "This is reality, Greg!"

Went to our old church yesterday. So many friends...so many memories. Kids are happy there. We get lots of hugs and as I sat in the pew listening to the choir's Holiday performance, my heart was up there with them. Unfortunately, my body can't be. I dream of being able to go back to leading worship, singing in the choir and on the praise team, such as it is.
But I can't.
At least not now.
Trying to practice while watching four kids make laps of the sanctuary and holler that they are hungry, bored, thirsty, etc. is just impossible.
Then there's the whole "being a Christian example" thing. I don't think I am living a life that is conducive to holding a leadership role. I'm not that "good".
Or like I said...Maybe I'm just psycho.

Well, maybe I'll go play Jew*lQu*st for awhile and try to get sleepy again. It's kind of a mindless game - between that and a bunch of praying, maybe I'll get another hour of shuteye before the day starts.

Thanks for listening. I know...like you had a choice. :D

Would I have missed the Dance?

The Dance
Written by Tony Arata
Recorded by Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared 'neath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right.
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye.

And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end; the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Holding you, I held everything. For a moment, wasn't I the queen (king).
But if I'd only known how the queen (king) would fall;
Hey, who's to say? You know, I might have changed it all.

And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end; the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Here on this two year anniversary of our lives imploding to ground zero, I have often sat and thought, "If I had known what he was going to do, would I have spent my life with him?"

The answer is hard to reconcile. I wish he had made better choices. Everything that is in me wishes he hadn't hurt us like that.

But if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my children. How can I say I regret them? I can't and I don't and I never will.

I try to look on the positive side. It was tough, but it wasn't all bad. I'm serious!
Like the time he got a new wine bottle and put a love letter in it for our anniversary. Thought that up all on his own! Most guys won't do that.

And he was with me when our children were born; crying at the wonder of it, kissing me over and over and telling me "Thank you!", holding my legs as I was pushing our kids into this world, rubbing my back, sitting next to me on our bed when our number 4 was born.

There was the slow dancing in the dining room, flowers for no reason, love notes in the lunch box, holding me when my grandparents died.

People often don't understand ~ he wasn't a monster. He made some crappy decisions and he hurt my children. So now he will be forever labeled as a monster. Is he a man who just made a mistake? Or IS he an evil being who preys upon children? Or both?

I guess that's something only he can answer - or you can believe what you want. I have to say the truth is that I don't know him. If I never realized what he was capable of after living with him for seventeen years, then I never knew him.

How sad is that?

Two years. It's been two years as of June 17. I remember the day like it was yesterday, yet it seems a lifetime ago. I am a different person. We are a different family. We have grown and changed; for the better, I think. There seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel now, a goal to steer for, a plan to follow, instead of just surviving day to day.

But I still have to remember this Anniversary. A wise man once said that only those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. And there is NO WAY on God's green earth I would EVER want to repeat that. I think we've come through it fairly well but ONLY by the grace of God.

MORE SONG LYRICS! Sorry, but I love this one.

"Me And God"

sung by Josh Turner and featuring Ralph Stanley

There ain't nothing that can't be done by me and God. Ain't nobody come in between me and God. One day we'll live together where the angels trod; me and God.

Early in the morning talking it over; me and God. Late at night talking it over; me and God. You could say where like two peas in a pod; me and God.

He's my Father, He's my friend; the beginning and the end. He rules the world with a staff and rod. We're a team; me and God.

I am weak and He is strong; me and God. He forgives me when I'm wrong; me and God. He's the one I lean on when life gets hard; me and God.

He's the one I can trust. Can't even trust myself most of the time! He's always there for me. I am so grateful.

Marriage Mondays

I've tried to get motivated to participate in Christine's Marriage Mondays, but the truth is, ya'll, I feel like such a failure at relationships! Two failed marriages and the promiscuity that followed just doesn't make me eligible to give advice to ANYONE.

I'm not on a pity-party or anything. Just stating the truth. After discovering my first ex was a rapist and my second ex was a child molester, my confidence in my ability to pick men is just about in the toilet.
(MG not included!)

So go on over and check out what Christine and the other fine ladies have to say. I'm just gonna sit this one out and soak it up.

Inexpensive date ideas - Check it OUT!

WELL, today is CHEAP DATE IDEA DAY over at Shalee's Diner!

My ideas are kinda lame.

But I'll share 'em anyway.

First of all, with four kids, we have to either trade a night or finagle someone into watching them for FREE.
After all, "Free is a very good price!"

Anyone who isn't from Oregon probably won't get that joke.

Anyway...

MG and I have been known to have "in house" dates. Where the kids go spend the night at various friends' houses and then we cook dinner together. I dress up for him; put on some make up. We pick a movie we'd like to watch together.

Movie rental - $3

Dinner fixin's - $15

Being together sans children for 12 hours - PRICELESS.

We have taken turns giving eachother pedicures. STOP LAUGHING! I'm serious! You just get a basin of warm water big enough so the recipient can soak their feet for about 10 minutes. Make sure the recipient has their drink-of-choice and the remote control handy. Gather a warm towel, pumice and lotion and, when the ten minutes are up, you scrub, rinse and massage.

Feels VERY nice!

Not really a date, though...but it could be!?

We have lots of wineries in our area and I've always thought it would be fun to go on a wine-tasting tour. They're free! Unless you get sucked in and actually BUY the wine you are tasting.

In which case it could get VERY expensive VERY quickly.

There's that...and the fact that you have to have a designated driver.

I guess I'm not good at cheap dates.

Maybe that's why MG and I don't go out much.

But we DO find joy in just being together at home; snatching little moments when we can. Slowdancing in the kitchen or playing video games together after the kids are in bed.

Taking time to show eachother you care is the most important part. I learned my lesson about taking someone for granted.

They may not always be around. So make sure you let them know what they mean to you.

RIGHT NOW!

MONTHS?!? Did she say MONTHS???

Well, after snarling at my children, sleeping till NOON (yes, noon! MG watched the kids) on Thursday and ripping off MG's head yesterday when he said "Give me a kiss" instead of "PLEASE give me a kiss", I decided to call the doctor's office and find out exactly WHEN these B12 shots are supposed to start WORKING!

I'll use my four-year-old's favorite "cuss" word here, cuz all the ones I know are inappropriate!

UDD!

The advice nurse calls me back and says "Hello, Janean? Umm, those shots take a FEW MONTHS to start making a difference, hon!"

MONTHS...

DID SHE SAY MONTHS??

You mean I have to feel like I'm dragging 30 lb weights around each leg for MONTHS??
And I have to have this uncontrollable urge to fall asleep when I sit down for longer than three seconds for MONTHS??
Not to mention poor MG and my kids having to live with the mood swings and jumping down their throats for something as silly as NOT SAYING PLEASE!?!

Dear Heavenly Father,
PLEASE help me out here! I need you so desperately to guard the words of my mouth, because I seem to be having a MAJOR difficulty with that right now. I've got so much to do, Lord, and I must confess I don't know how I am going to do this without You.
As long as I'm here before You, I want to lift up my blogger buddies! They ROCK and I am so grateful You have allowed me the blessing of meeting each and every one of them. It lifts my heart to read their posts and comments and emails...and I just ask that You give them blessings beyond belief!
In the name of Jesus...