Friday, April 25, 2008

Small joys

I am so glad that my God allows me to see the little joys inside the big pain. Otherwise, I'd be in a world of hurt right now.
A precious friend taught me the concept of asking Christ to bind thoughts that cause pain or distress. WOW, have I used the dickens out of that blessing in the last three weeks.

Before my surgery, I spoke to my mother. She hasn't forgiven MG for hurting me. In fact, she does not say his name...she refers to him as Bu**head. She wanted to come be with me for the surgery. But I told her that he would be here watching the kids. I told her that he had expressed repentance and asked for forgiveness then asked her to pray about being able to "work with him" for the one day of my procedure so I could have her and the assurance that the kids were safe and cared for.
The next day she called me first thing in the morning and said "Well, I prayed about it and I don't feel that God wants me there as long as you choose to have anything to do with Bu**head."
That hurt on two levels. First, that I was not important enough for her to set aside any challenges she had. Secondly, that she blamed it on my God. She cannot forgive him for "hurting her daughter", yet she hurts me over and over again, usually without regret. Just today, she called to see how I was. Started out with "So, is Bu**head still there?" and ended up telling me how I had ruined my children because I never follow through with what I say I will do. Then, "I love you, honey. Try to rest." click.
There are lots of reasons why I continue the relationship with her. She is on lots of medications and is in constant pain. I realize that sometimes she doesn't even know what she is doing.
And I also realized this morning that I am GLAD she was not here for my operation. I'm glad she has chosen to stay away while MG is caring for me and the kids and I actually dread the day he goes home because it means that I will have to deal with her. She stresses me out, runs me down and makes me feel as if I need to care for HER when I am desperately in need of care for myself. It's a small joy...

I have been having such a hard time with my wound. It is open. About 10 - 12 inches stretching down from my belly button (sort of...he sewed part of it closed) and the top two inches and bottom three inches are open. Deep, oozing....OK, OK...I'm grossing myself out. Everytime I shower, I look at in and cry. I am having a hard enough time trying to rebuild my self esteem after the realization that I am not enough to keep anybody happy. No matter how hard I try or how much I love someone, I am not enough. How do I attract someone new with grey hair, glasses, scars, bat-wings and a belly-flap that is now decorated with a gash the size of Missouri? Why do I WANT to attract someone new? What am I THINKING??!!?
So my Bible study this morning was Romans 8:35-39. "What can separate us from the Love of God?" And it just spoke to my heart..."GOD LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!" Nothing can make Him shrink away and say "Gross!!" I'm resting in that for right now. Another small joy...

MG is not mine. I am not number one in his life any longer. He cares for me and we are the greatest of friends...even closer now than when we had a "relationship". But he talks about wanting to go home. He talks about plans that don't involve me. He feels the need to check his email about 23 times a day and he has phone conversations with someone using his "sweet voice". And every once in awhile, jealousy pinches my heart. I cry "Bind that thought, Lord Jesus!" And He does. Giving me peace. But as much as I appreciate MG being here and I don't know how I am going to manage after Monday...I kinda am looking forward to him going home so I won't have that "in your face" pain several times a day. A small joy that soon, I will be able to move forward and stop living in the past.

A small joy that a general surgeon was there in the operating suites between cases just when the OB/GYN doing my surgery got into trouble and was desperately trying to save my life.

A small joy that when the wound opened in the parking lot of the hospital and blood was running through my fingers as I held my belly, I staggered into the emergency room, said HELP ME and my pastor was there waiting with someone else.

A small joy that my church family brought us dinner for six days and another friend is bringing pizza tonight.

A small joy that as I lay in my bed hour after hour, my children come and sit with me. They share their days, we sing, we do homework and sometimes we just watch TV together snuggled together.

A small joy that my college professors have agreed to work with me so I don't have to drop out of this semester and lose my grant.

A small joy that my aunt was able to spend time with me when I was in the hospital and she brought me flowers, lotions, magazines and a CD player with some CD's. I am still using it and it really helps me relax.

A small joy that I have pain medication.

A great joy that I have friends like you who lift me up in prayer. I need that the most.


Heather said...

Continuing to pray. God is good, all the time.

Donetta said...

Oh My ! Girl You have been in the thick of it. I am so sorry for the suffering you are going through. I do hold you up in prayer. I hope your healing continues to thrive and restoration of health grabs you and gets you strong in no time. Peace be with you. I have not been on line much.

MotoMom said...

Small joys from a big God.
Wow...just Wow.
I really don't know how you do it. Must be all of us praying for you!