Sunday, June 17, 2007

Would I have missed the Dance?

The Dance
Written by Tony Arata
Recorded by Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared 'neath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right.
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye.

And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end; the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Holding you, I held everything. For a moment, wasn't I the queen (king).
But if I'd only known how the queen (king) would fall;
Hey, who's to say? You know, I might have changed it all.

And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end; the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Here on this two year anniversary of our lives imploding to ground zero, I have often sat and thought, "If I had known what he was going to do, would I have spent my life with him?"

The answer is hard to reconcile. I wish he had made better choices. Everything that is in me wishes he hadn't hurt us like that.

But if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my children. How can I say I regret them? I can't and I don't and I never will.

I try to look on the positive side. It was tough, but it wasn't all bad. I'm serious!
Like the time he got a new wine bottle and put a love letter in it for our anniversary. Thought that up all on his own! Most guys won't do that.

And he was with me when our children were born; crying at the wonder of it, kissing me over and over and telling me "Thank you!", holding my legs as I was pushing our kids into this world, rubbing my back, sitting next to me on our bed when our number 4 was born.

There was the slow dancing in the dining room, flowers for no reason, love notes in the lunch box, holding me when my grandparents died.

People often don't understand ~ he wasn't a monster. He made some crappy decisions and he hurt my children. So now he will be forever labeled as a monster. Is he a man who just made a mistake? Or IS he an evil being who preys upon children? Or both?

I guess that's something only he can answer - or you can believe what you want. I have to say the truth is that I don't know him. If I never realized what he was capable of after living with him for seventeen years, then I never knew him.

How sad is that?

Two years. It's been two years as of June 17. I remember the day like it was yesterday, yet it seems a lifetime ago. I am a different person. We are a different family. We have grown and changed; for the better, I think. There seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel now, a goal to steer for, a plan to follow, instead of just surviving day to day.

But I still have to remember this Anniversary. A wise man once said that only those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. And there is NO WAY on God's green earth I would EVER want to repeat that. I think we've come through it fairly well but ONLY by the grace of God.

MORE SONG LYRICS! Sorry, but I love this one.

"Me And God"

sung by Josh Turner and featuring Ralph Stanley

There ain't nothing that can't be done by me and God. Ain't nobody come in between me and God. One day we'll live together where the angels trod; me and God.

Early in the morning talking it over; me and God. Late at night talking it over; me and God. You could say where like two peas in a pod; me and God.

He's my Father, He's my friend; the beginning and the end. He rules the world with a staff and rod. We're a team; me and God.

I am weak and He is strong; me and God. He forgives me when I'm wrong; me and God. He's the one I lean on when life gets hard; me and God.

He's the one I can trust. Can't even trust myself most of the time! He's always there for me. I am so grateful.


Connie said...

Unfortunately, I understand totally...


Rebekah said...

Life is defeinitly a dance. Even through the struggles, God holds us as we dance across the floor, bringing us to exactly where He wants us. Where we need to be. He amazes me