Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Possibly the wierdest post ever...
I didn't know how it felt.
I've never had a parent die.
Great grandparents.... Yes.
Two of them had long illnesses, but I was so young, I don't remember much of the particulars. The rest were quick. One day and they were gone. The way they wanted it to be. The way I want to go when it is my time.
So I could never really, REALLY feel what my sweetheart is going through. Yes, I hurt because he hurt and my heart breaks for him and the pain he is going through. Yet I have a peace inside that tells me I don't have to "grieve as others do who have no hope". I KNOW where I'm going when I die. And I know I will see them again.
But now, I've found something inside myself that is new and different. and it hurts like the dickens.
I love Papa, my Loverboy's dad. When LB called me today to say that Papa's CT scans were ominous... I was speechless.
Which is VERY rare for me.
And I know this sounds stupider than stupid... but I almost got angry with LB!
"You MADE me LOVE him! Now look what you did! This hurts! I don't want to care!"
Isn't that just the craziest thing you have ever heard?
Yet my heart is heavy - and everytime I think about him, I want to cry.
I didn't MEAN to love him. It just happened. Now what am I going to do?