Saturday, May 03, 2014

I'm "safe"..

I just watched this video of a piece of poetry.


"Dumb people, Smart phones" is about right.  We sit and text all day or play on games or computers.  Even now, as I type this, I have one kids sleeping, two on tablets and one texting on his phone while playing a game on his XBox One.

Every once in awhile, we text eachother from the next room...although we do holler as well, sometimes, "Hey!  Check out what I just posted!"

I will say that I do try occasionally to get them out somewhere.  But when I ask, half of them say "No thanks, I'll just stay home."  And when we do go out, the majority of the electronics comes along.  After all, we would hate to be bored.  Or have to communicate...

Because communication is scary.  It comes with the chance of being rejected...
the chance of making someone angry...
the chance of feeling like a fool...

And I am just as guilty.  Writing here makes me feel better.  Venting what I need to say, working through my own feelings of rejection and isolation in a safe media environment.  After all, nobody is going to read it anyway.

How do I change things?  The reality is that I can't.  With one child who has severe mental health issues, media (music, internet, text) is the only thing that keeps her safe.  Because she can distract herself and try to block out the voices that tell her to do unspeakable things.  She's also agoraphobic so she won't leave the house except on rare occasions. So if we are home - they all have access to the "net of lies".

I live vicariously through social media.  Many times I have begged for prayers, begged for help and the replies I received were truly heaven-sent.  At this point in my life, I work at an outside job, then come home and work at home cooking, cleaning and being an anchor for four kids who have watched a parade of people we cared about walk away and leave us.  I'm terrified to have a close relationship with anyone...I don't care if they hurt me, but watching my kids be hurt again is what strikes the fear into my heart.

Yet...I'm lonely.  And it is so tough to just sit here and feel the pain and emptiness knowing it is what is best for my kids.
Which is why I'm on the computer.  Which is why I am fighting a battle inside.  Which is why the kids keep asking "mom, why are you sad?"  I just keep telling them that I am tired.

Which is true.  I'm tired of trying.  And I'm tired of people leaving me.
Heavenly Father, help me!  Hold me tight so that I can feel Your presence.

No comments: