Wednesday, July 09, 2008

What's the point

I am so down.
It's like one AM and I can't sleep. All I can do is cry as the other side of my bed mocks me.
It talks, you know. "You're alone. All alone. You're a failure. Nobody wants you. Why would any man want something like YOU? Who's going to want some scarred up flabby forty something chick with four kids?"
And I don't know how to shut it up.
So I cry. I've been crying for two hours. MG called and I cried at him. He's got someone else now. Someone who WANTS him. Someone who WANTS to be with him. And he won't talk to me about it. Because he thinks I can't handle it.
I just want to hear about SOMEBODY's happiness. All I see is pain, lonliness, hopelessness, fear, embarrassment, poor decisions and no one to talk to.
Who can I call at one AM that will listen? Who will want to hold me while I cry?
And where in the heck is God when I feel like this?
I know, I know...when you are single, He is supposed to be your "Husband". All the man you need.
It doesn't work.
And I don't care.
I took some pills. Tylenol three with codeine. And they didn't put me to sleep. They didn't stop the pain. So I took two more. And you know what?
Nobody cares.
I don't want to die. That's not the point. I just want the pain to stop. I want to feel normal again.
I want a sweet man to care for me and love me for WHO I AM not what I can do for him. To have someone who loves me for me and wants to be with me and cares about how I feel. Someone to buy me flowers or give me a card. Someone to hold me when I cry. Someone to talk to about my frustrations with the kids, my fears over number three's surgery on Thursday, My irritation with my mom. My terror that I will never be anything, do anything...
I just want to sleep till the pain quits. I just want someone I can talk to at one am. Why is it so hard to find someone who isn't too busy for me? to find a man to care. A good man. A kind man. Am I that horrible? Do I come across to eager and scare them away?
I hate having to chase my friends. Anyone I want to be with, I have to ask. I have to go looking, to nag them, to call or text and say, "Hey, I'm lonely. Please pay attention to me."
I feel like a five year old kid. Why can't I just pull up my Big Girl Panties and face reality. Accept the fact and deal with it. Why me?
All my friends have someone. It's not fair. I just want to lay on the floor and kick and scream. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, damn it.
Why not me? Why do I have to go through this? It hurts, it hurts, it hurts SO BADLY. Like a piece of me is missing.
Gonna try to sleep now. feels like the four Tylenol three's are kicking in. Feeling drowsy anyway. I'll probably get to bed and hear that left side whispering at me again...
Where's the chainsaw? I'll just cut my bed in half and throw away the side that is causing me so much heartache.
Anyone want half a bed?
Anyone think I'm crazy?
Anyone wanna pray for this messed up, psycho, blubbering pile of wimpiness?
I hate being weak. And I hate having to depend on others. Why am I so vulnerable? and Why am I rambling on to a cold computer ?
Writing makes it better. Writing gets the Yuk out of my heart and my mind. Writing gives me peace. Writing is the only way I can "talk" to someone at one am.
a computer screen doesn't judge you. A computer screen doesn't pity you. A computer screen just listens and doesn't tell you how stupid you are for feeling the way you do. A computer screen isn't going to call the nice men in the white coats to haul me away.
But maybe it should.
Maybe it should.

I'm so tired. Tired of struggling. Tired of fighting. Tired of being the referee and the bad guy to my kids. Tired of worrying. Tired of having to start over...and over...and over. Tired of trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Tired of putting one foot in front of the other. Tired of begging for help. Tired of welfare lines and food boxes and public service agencies.

I'm just so freakin' tired.