Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Return to Sanity...

I can't believe I only have six more posts to go and I will make 500. Time flies when you are having fun and all that stuff.

I should think of something special to do...and NO I'm not going to do a 500 things about me meme so don't worry. :D

Last night was rough and tough. As you can tell from my previous post. You all probably think I'm certifiable now.
I finally fell asleep a little after one.
AND then right about 2, my midwife mentor calls and says she needs help on a birth an hour away.
I almost didn't go. Hemmed and Hawed for a minute...then took the job. It's been March since I've gone on a birth. Seems like another lifetime ago.
I needed that. I needed to get outside myself and rediscover the simplicity of life and love. The mom was a textbook first labor. The daddy was a trooper! I told him he got my vote for hubby of the year...he sat in a birthing tub with her for EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS. I think he might have gotten out twice to go to the bathroom, but that was it. He was right there for her every step of the way. AWESOME.
The beautiful little boy was a slow starter and my MM ended up swooping him up and giving a few rescue breaths to get his little precious lungs inflated. But when we left, he was gorgeous, pink and nursing away like a champ.
THEN the MM trusted ME to do a postnatal all by my lonesome. Like a big grown up midwife woman. She was asking ME if her baby was doing well, Asking ME what my opinion was of the color of the baby's poop. Like I actually knew something!

However, it became very evident that I need to sit down and take a good hard look at what I want out of this life I've been given. What legacy do I want to leave? Why am I here? Kinda too existential for this hour of the night, but a couple of things happened that soured the experience of the day.
First, My kids. I left in the middle of the night. I thought they could handle it. I woke up the boy and told him then left a big message on the dry-erase board for everyone to see. But the six year old can't read that well yet and went absolutely ballistic when she woke to find me, her precious mommy who can't leave her sight, GONE WITHOUT PERMISSION or announcement. By the time I got home, all three girls cried when they saw me and they had eaten half the food in the house.
Secondly, IT was cool and all that. A miracle to behold. But I didn't get the thrill. There was no awe and reverence. Just business; figuring out the problems and suggesting different positions. Reminding her to drink, warming up the tub. Mundane jobs...not a JOY as it should be. Maybe it's a side effect of this mind numbing depression and anemia. Maybe it's a sign that I should be examining my motives. Maybe I'm making it all up in my head...
I do that, you know.

Another reason I am feeling better today is that I have met someone. He is 45...just a little older than me and as sweet as the day is long. Honest. Good reputation. Gainfully employed, well respected.
And sexy....let's not forget sexy. :D Anyway, he and I have gone out a couple of times and he makes me feel wonderful. Like it's not quite the end of the world... For blogging purposes, I'll call him EJ. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. He has a life, an ex and three kids he needs to take care of. I don't know how me and mine could fit into all of that. And I can't stand to get my heart broken again.
So I'm just taking it easy.

But it's a reason to smile.

1 comment:

Heather said...

Keep praying--God is good and knows your heart, even the bits you don't know. Glad things seem to be looking up a bit. Continuing to pray.