Sunday, July 20, 2008

Which way do I go? Which way do I go?

So many decisions to little time.

My style of dealing with life has always been "a la Ostrich". Stick my head in the sand and pretend this isn't happening until I get bit in the butt. Or go insane...whatever comes first.

I need a change. I feel insecure in my own skin and it's very uncomfortable.
I registered for Fall term. Basically, La La classes that won't advance me much anywhere. Psych, ASL, Emergency Communications and advanced writing.
I won another scholarship from the Big City Business Women's Club. I am totally honored...yet I feel guilty. What if I don't live up to the expectations these people have placed in me? They are investing their money in my life and my education!

Oh, God please, don't let me waste it. Let me make something of my life.

Small town dreams. That's what I've got. Raising my four kiddos the best I know how, volunteering with the church and Podunk Rescue. Being there for my friends and family.
I just don't know how to do that. The State says I must be gainfully employed. Can't have us deadbeat moms raising our own kids, ya' know.

Here are the options:
Great guns, honest to goodness Midwifery School. In the North Big City. Would have to move there. Would be near Ex's family. Not necessarily a good thing. Not sure I want my kiddos exposed to the crime and nastiness and smog and gack. Would become a licensed practicing midwife within two years. PROBLEM: how to support myself and my family while attending school? Would need to confirm financial aid would cover.

Stay where I am and poke along. Pretty soon the state is going to figure out that I'm not progressing very quickly and require me to go get a job. Can't be registered in the Paramedic program and work at the same time...way too "balls to the wall". PROBLEM: have to apply for state help for the school year. Don't know if I can get back on the list. Don't know this is what I want to do.

Move to the middle sized city about 10 miles away. Closer to everything, more programs for kids, less gas output. Can still take college classes with the challenge of the above problem. Change of pace. New Scenery. PROBLEM: Moving. Finding a house that will take assistance. Kids don't wanna move. New schools. Lost friends.

Move to the South Big City. Near main college campus (again, state help vs job problem). Near Aunties and some friends. Closer to Mentor Midwife and Salem clients. PROBLEM: Again, moving...and all that goes with that. Big city crime and gack issues. Easier for my family access. For some reason, they don't mind going to South Big City but coming to my place is a problem. Go figure.

Move to Coastal Podunk near my family. Would give up my schooling. Get a job at the local hospital or waitressing, that's about all there is out there. It's a tourist town, ya' know. Help parents, help sisters, help church, small schools for kids (or home school). Learn family trade (boat building). PROBLEM: I give up my life and give to others constantly. The pool of male companionship makes one shudder. I know...that's where I grew up.

ANOTHER OPTION is to change my major. Medical Assisting has run through my mind. Again, great medical base of knowledge with an emphasis on business without the rigors of Paramedics and emergency operations. Would still be able to pass the CPM state exam, I think. Would still be a certified state Emergency Medical Technician.

All this CRUD running through my brain. Along with battling depression, anxiety, #4's staph infection, #3's tonsillectomy recovery, #2's dabbling with puberty and PMS and the fact that #1 won't come out of his room without threat of bodily harm or bribery with food.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining, ya'll. I'm really not. It's just reality. The way my life is going right now.
AND I need to make all these decisions by the last week in August. Or sooner if possible. AND I have our animals to consider when moving. AND I have to notify the state every time I breathe!

Which is why I'm up at 4 in the morning dumping my brain here. Because it is too full to sleep.
Last weekend, I came to a breaking point. I was reaching out, desperately grasping for someone to help me. Anyone! I must have called about 20 people. Not home, not home, busy, "don't think it would be a good idea", no answer, some psychobabble about how I need a break (NO JOKE!). Pastor's mother died, elder's best friend in the hospital. Some others I just don't feel comfortable calling them up and screaming "I'm about to have a psychotic meltdown and I need someone to care for my kids." My own Mom said "That's what you get for being such a bad mother." AND THEN HUNG UP ON ME. Then when my last straw was about to break, a Blast from the Past (BP) made the fatal mistake of saying..."What's wrong and how can I help?"

Monday I went to see the nice lady in the white coat with the funny letters after her name and she gave me some little white pills that make me feel really funky. And some little pink ones. And some brown ones. But at least I'm not crying ALL the time and shaking like a dog pooping peach pits anymore.

I've just about worn out my cell between talking, texting and crying into the keypad while BP listens and hugs me with words. Thank God we share the same cell plan so everything we exchange is free. Otherwise, the cell bill would put me in the poor house...not that I'm not there already.

BP reminds me to eat. Tells me to look in the mirror and tell myself every morning how I am WORTH it. Sternly corrects yet gives me time to work on it and does it all with a compassion that makes me feel like I'm not alone. Says "I've been there. Yah, it sucks. But it will pass. That must hurt. You are brave. I love you. You are special."

When I couldn't feel God anymore, BP became His hands and feet.
Can't say I'm on my way back up, but at least I've stopped sliding backward and am holding my own. Please pray that I will make the right decision for my kids. They need a mom who is consistent, stable and knows where she is going.

1 comment:

Heather said...

Praying. Also, know that you are not alone--I have two other friends who are dealing with VERY SIMILAR situations right now. God is good and HE will help and provide and strengthen you--He is strong in your weakness. Wish I were around so I COULD help. How come all my friends are SO FAR AWAY. Praying.