HELLLPPPP!

Dear friends...and whomever else stops by here.

I need help. I can't make a decision to save my life.
I have to decide where the rest of my life is going.
So many paths to choose, so little time.

Midwifery...I love it! awesome blessing and a fun way to make a living. Will probably take me another year...if not more. No health insurance, need to manage my own business. Most midwives I talk to say it is a "calling" for them; something they just KNEW they were born to do, more or less.
But it isn't that way for me. I enjoy it, yes. I think I could do a good job. But "called?" Not so much. Is a calling necessary? Am I missing out on an essential piece of the picture? I don't know.

Paramedics...Have two more months to go toward my EMT-Intermediate certification. I will be able to start IV's, push meds, evaluate a four-lead ekg and make a differential diagnosis. I enjoy it, yes. I think I could do a good job. But I don't have the "burning desire" to make this happen. And I would probably need to move in order to find a job in this field. My small town is volunteer only. **SIGH** However, over where Loverboy lives? I'd be the closest thing to a doctor for about 200 miles. Is THAT what I am supposed to do? Serve those communities that NEED me? Can I handle that much responsibility? I don't know.

Police dispatch...Got a wild hair and sent in my app to the State Police. Back in the mid-90's I did a limited duration stint as a SP dispatcher and call taker. I was pretty good at it, but I had an attitude then that wouldn't quit. Can I do this job again? I enjoyed it, yes. I think I could do a good job. Decent money, health insurance, union representation (which may or may not be a good thing), making a difference, supporting my kiddos. LOOOOONG hours (they are open 24/7 365 and being the newby, I will probably have to work all holidays and get stuck with a graveyard shift). Will I be able to do this job AND do the best for my children? I don't know.

Continuing my education...I can do this regardless. But probably wouldn't if I started working for SP. Not enough time in the day. Is having a college degree worth it to me? Will I be disappointing those who have invested so many prayers and so much confidence in me? Will I be able to get a better job if I hang in for awhile? Or should I take what I can get if I am actually OFFERED the SP dispatch position? I don't know.

I am tired. I can't make these decisions right now. And I won't be FORCED to decide until after the interviews and the testing required for the Dispatch position. IF they want me.

And where do my kids and my LB fit into all of this?

HELLLLLPPPP

Which way do I go? Which way do I go?

So many decisions to make....so little time.

My style of dealing with life has always been "a la Ostrich". Stick my head in the sand and pretend this isn't happening until I get bit in the butt. Or go insane...whatever comes first.

I need a change. I feel insecure in my own skin and it's very uncomfortable.
I registered for Fall term. Basically, La La classes that won't advance me much anywhere. Psych, ASL, Emergency Communications and advanced writing.
I won another scholarship from the Big City Business Women's Club. I am totally honored...yet I feel guilty. What if I don't live up to the expectations these people have placed in me? They are investing their money in my life and my education!

Oh, God please, don't let me waste it. Let me make something of my life.

Small town dreams. That's what I've got. Raising my four kiddos the best I know how, volunteering with the church and Podunk Rescue. Being there for my friends and family.
I just don't know how to do that. The State says I must be gainfully employed. Can't have us deadbeat moms raising our own kids, ya' know.

Here are the options:
Great guns, honest to goodness Midwifery School. In the North Big City. Would have to move there. Would be near Ex's family. Not necessarily a good thing. Not sure I want my kiddos exposed to the crime and nastiness and smog and gack. Would become a licensed practicing midwife within two years. PROBLEM: how to support myself and my family while attending school? Would need to confirm financial aid would cover.

Stay where I am and poke along. Pretty soon the state is going to figure out that I'm not progressing very quickly and require me to go get a job. Can't be registered in the Paramedic program and work at the same time...way too "balls to the wall". PROBLEM: have to apply for state help for the school year. Don't know if I can get back on the list. Don't know this is what I want to do.

Move to the middle sized city about 10 miles away. Closer to everything, more programs for kids, less gas output. Can still take college classes with the challenge of the above problem. Change of pace. New Scenery. PROBLEM: Moving. Finding a house that will take assistance. Kids don't wanna move. New schools. Lost friends.

Move to the South Big City. Near main college campus (again, state help vs job problem). Near Aunties and some friends. Closer to Mentor Midwife and Salem clients. PROBLEM: Again, moving...and all that goes with that. Big city crime and gack issues. Easier for my family access. For some reason, they don't mind going to South Big City but coming to my place is a problem. Go figure.

Move to Coastal Podunk near my family. Would give up my schooling. Get a job at the local hospital or waitressing, that's about all there is out there. It's a tourist town, ya' know. Help parents, help sisters, help church, small schools for kids (or home school). Learn family trade (boat building). PROBLEM: I give up my life and give to others constantly. The pool of male companionship makes one shudder. I know...that's where I grew up.

ANOTHER OPTION is to change my major. Medical Assisting has run through my mind. Again, great medical base of knowledge with an emphasis on business without the rigors of Paramedics and emergency operations. Would still be able to pass the CPM state exam, I think. Would still be a certified state Emergency Medical Technician.

All this CRUD running through my brain. Along with battling depression, anxiety, #4's staph infection, #3's tonsillectomy recovery, #2's dabbling with puberty and PMS and the fact that #1 won't come out of his room without threat of bodily harm or bribery with food.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining, ya'll. I'm really not. It's just reality. The way my life is going right now.
AND I need to make all these decisions by the last week in August. Or sooner if possible. AND I have our animals to consider when moving. AND I have to notify the state every time I breathe!

Which is why I'm up at 4 in the morning dumping my brain here. Because it is too full to sleep.
Last weekend, I came to a breaking point. I was reaching out, desperately grasping for someone to help me. Anyone! I must have called about 20 people. Not home, not home, busy, "don't think it would be a good idea", no answer, some psychobabble about how I need a break (NO JOKE!). Pastor's mother died, elder's best friend in the hospital. Some others I just don't feel comfortable calling them up and screaming "I'm about to have a psychotic meltdown and I need someone to care for my kids." My own Mom said "That's what you get for being such a bad mother." AND THEN HUNG UP ON ME. Then when my last straw was about to break, a Blast from the Past (BP) made the fatal mistake of saying..."What's wrong and how can I help?"

Monday I went to see the nice lady in the white coat with the funny letters after her name and she gave me some little white pills that make me feel really funky. And some little pink ones. And some brown ones. But at least I'm not crying ALL the time and shaking like a dog pooping peach pits anymore.

I've just about worn out my cell between talking, texting and crying into the keypad while BP listens and hugs me with words. Thank God we share the same cell plan so everything we exchange is free. Otherwise, the cell bill would put me in the poor house...not that I'm not there already.

BP reminds me to eat. Tells me to look in the mirror and tell myself every morning how I am WORTH it. Sternly corrects yet gives me time to work on it and does it all with a compassion that makes me feel like I'm not alone. Says "I've been there. Yah, it sucks. But it will pass. That must hurt. You are brave. I love you. You are special."

When I couldn't feel God anymore, BP became His hands and feet.
Can't say I'm on my way back up, but at least I've stopped sliding backward and am holding my own. Please pray that I will make the right decision for my kids. They need a mom who is consistent, stable and knows where she is going.

I have ISSUES

I have issues. Yes, I do...

**Disclaimer - I've always wanted to be one of those sweet bloggers who writes only uplifting, creative, happy stuff.
Unfortunately, this is a step in the OTHER direction.

Why, oh WHY, am I awake at 4am? Because my Almost-14 year old woke me up to tell me he was hungry. In my half asleep state, I mumbled "So go eat some leftover pizza". So he does...
Heating it up in the microwave and turning on the TV and waking up his sister.
Shall I strangle him now or later?

Half of me says "He was hungry, it's ok." The other part of me (you know, the part that likes to SLEEP) says "WHOOOOA Nelly! This ain't happinin ever again!" So I guess we'll have to have a talk. The boy is 6 ft tall and weighs 260 lbs already. He can survive on his reserves until 6am. I don't know...am I wrong?

A good mother would get up and make him something, right?

Next subject -
Went to #2's parent teacher conference. Felt like a total failure by the time I left.
"She needs to know these simple addition and subtraction problems by sight. You HAVE to work with her. Get some flash cards!" OK, got flashcards, DON'T have TIME.
"I hope she's reading at home". Not unless it's the TV guide or the directions on how to play a computer game.
"Her absences are hurting her academically." WHAT? She's been absent 4 days this quarter!
"She has such a hard time writing an essay. She can't seem to think of ideas and was crying the other day in class because she only had two sentences written and couldn't think of anything else." Hmmmm, thanks for that guilt trip. Is it possible this is because she can't pay attention to one task for longer than two point four seconds?

The poor child already does homework for about 45 minutes every night. Granted, it is an assignment that should take her about 10 minutes and she just stretches it out that long by fidgeting, whining, complaining and fussing. But how much is too much...and how much is enough?

NEXT SUBJECT...
Yesterday was the biggest exercise in patience I have experienced in quite a LOoooong Time. I don't remember praying for patience, but apparently someone thought I needed it anyway.
Left the house early. Dropped the kids off early.
Ended up WAITING at DHS for one piece of paper for FORTY minutes.
Rush to the gas station that will accept that little gas voucher I'd been waiting for...only to get trapped by a TRAIN for fifteen minutes.
NOW, I'm really running late. And I detest being late.

So, of course, I have to get behind a huge line of cars and trucks following some rig that can not go ABOVE 50...for THIRTY miles!
Ended up being an hour late for prenatal clinic. Thank heaven the first appointment cancelled.

Heading home...missing my kids. On prenatal days, I only get to see them for one hour before I have to go to class. It's only one day a week.

Car accident. Blocking the intersection where I need to turn and backing up traffic for like 5 miles. Flush another 20 minutes.
Stop to pick up take and bake pizza for dinner. Only one other lady in the shop. Ahead of me, of course. Who wants a stuffed pizza with half red sauce and half white sauce on the bottom AND the top and wants a House specialty EXCEPT she'd like to substitute olives for the onions, extra cheese for part of the mushrooms, chicken for the sausage....and on and on and on.
By the time I picked up the girls, I got to see my kids for all of 10 minutes. #4 cried because I had to leave again. Couldn't miss class - I had a test. AARGH!

Turn in my Mommy license. I keep telling myself it is for a good cause...our future! Or is it to chase my dreams? Which would make me selfish. Which makes me feel guilty and spend some sleepless nights re-examine my motives.
Is this all worth it?
Is the missing them worth the benefit at the end of the rainbow?
I can't be a welfare mom forever - if not now, when?

Hard questions, I know.

OK, almost done. Last subject...GOOD THING!
Came home last night starving. Hadn't had time to eat.
MG brought me Taco Bell! Steak Quesadilla - My FAV!
And flowers!
AND a card! Muuuushy one, too.

I cried.

Jangle Bells, Round 2

Last November, I wrote a post about the song Jangle Bells.

I have gotten more hits off it than any other search item.

AND we STILL haven't found a copy of it that we can download off the computer. Like an MP3 or a WAV file.

So here's call number 2. If anyone knows where we can beg, buy or borrow a copy of this old hilarious Christmas classic PLEASE give me a holler.

Thanks!

4 more days till School Starts!

I ran out of coffee creamer this morning. AAaaargh! I don't like using milk. It's yucky.
My parents are coming home tomorrow from Alaska. Been gone since June. Even though they live an hour away from me, I still miss them. Especially my Momma. It's cool to have a mom who is also one of my closest friends. And to think I didn't want anything to do with her when I was a teenager!?! How stupid was I?
School starts on Tuesday for 2 kiddos, Thursday for #1 and Monday the 10th for #4.
AND THE 24TH FOR MEEEEeee!
I'm trying to start gathering up my books. My twin-seperated-at-birth Connie gifted me with enough to cover my EMT Basic books. I need to get ones now for...
Medical Terminology,
Introduction to Public Speaking (like I NEED that - but it's a requirement. They should require me to take How To Know When To Shut Up), and
Elementary Algebra (is that a contradiction in terms?).

Maybe I'll put some stuff on Craig's List and see if I can make some $$ that way.

The kids are excited about school. We played "Shoe Store" yesterday and discovered there are about 20 pairs of shoes in this house that DON'T FIT ANYONE. Either too big or too small. So City Outreach, here I come! They really don't care that I can't afford new clothes. Their grandparents got them some shorts outfits - and I managed to scrounge some new backpacks from local social service agencies. So if I get them some new shoes, they'll be happy.

And I won't be too broke. :D

I've been seriously considering Tithing. I usually give $20 or so, but I've been burdened to do a true 10 percent.
The "devil" on my shoulder says "ARE YOU CRAZY?!? You can't make it now as it is!"
But I've been praying about it. What do you think about tithing? Do you do a true 10 percent? I never have before. I've always considered my labor as tithe - teaching, leading praise team, that kind of stuff. But I can't commit to that stuff right now. And we just started a new church about a month ago. So I'm not comfortable there yet. I don't know...Opinions?

Gotta go get on with my day.

God bless yer socks off!



**Donetta, email me at babykatcher@hotmail.com! I'd love to visit with you more.

May Day Weight Loss Challenge

Some of the sites I visit regularly have jumped on the bandwagon to lose a few extra pounds in the Weight Loss Challenge. I'm starting a little late, so I will catch you up to speed real quick here (sorry for the atrocious grammar!).

Just after MG and I had our weekend sans children to celebrate our anniversary, his birthday and Mother's Day, we began "Induction" with Atkins.
I've never done Atkins before on purpose. But after the Gastric Bypass, I was taught to do PROTEIN first. Most protein has ZERO carbs. So that's a good thing. And that's what Atkins is all about...watching carbs.

But friends and cohorts, let me tell you. When you go from a bizillion carbs a day down to 20 or less and cut out sugar, bread, and all that other yummy stuff....

Well, it can make you mean!

After the first week, MG was begging me to eat chocolate. Just a little. PLEEAAASE. Then he started asking where "his Janean" had gone and telling me he wanted her back. Besides the stress of quitting my job, adjusting some medications AND the diet, it seems I have not been very nice lately.

Darn, I want a cigarette. I found myself just gazing longingly at them in the 7-11 the other day. Just one....No one would know.

Same thing this morning when I got to work. Loaded up a plate with a brownie, an eclair, a chocolate cookie and bacon. Got to my office, sat there for a minute and threw the whole thing in the garbage.

Eating had become out of control for me AGAIN! I've gained 30 lbs. YES GAINED! After Gastric BYPASS!
So MG said he would do this with me. And we are supporting eachother as much as possible.

At least when I'm not ripping people's faces off.

I've lost 5 lb.s. I want to lose 40 and I will be totally happy.

But I also don't want to be such a hag that MG decides I'm not worth the hassle. I don't want to be so hard on my kids. I don't want to feel so out of control.

So I could use some prayers. And some coping techniques. How did you get through it? I'm doing better now that induction is over and I can have a few more carbs in my diet.
I need to exercise. I haven't ridden my bike in like forever!

I'm going to try to follow the rules ~

When will the challenge begin? Tuesday, May 8, 2007When will the challenge end? Tuesday September 18, 2007. If you lose just two pounds per week (a healthy rate to lose weight) for the duration of the challenge, you would lose THIRTY-SIX pounds. Imagine yourself thirty-six pounds lighter.

How does it work? On Tuesday, May 8th, you post on your blog how much weight you want to lose, and your weight history, what other goals you may have for this challenge (creating activity, cutting out soda, etc.) and any weaknesses you have. Come back to this site and sign Mr. Linky. Begin your diet. You have one week from today to plan your diet and prepare yourself for finding the skinny girl inside of you. She's in there and she wants out.
Weigh-ins will be held once a week, every Tuesday on this site. This does not mean you must weigh-in on Tuesdays, just report your loss/gain for that week on Tuesday. Again, you will sign Mr. Linky and talk about it on your blog. You do not need to make your weight public! Just your goals, losses and gains.

I'll be there Tuesday this week.

Moose Sand

Found this FUNNY post over at one of my favorite places to visit...Antique Mommy's Page.

http://antiquemommy.typepad.com/antique_mommy/2006/12/a_peemo_boat.html

Every so often I think of it and ponder...Can't WAIT to find out what a "Peemo Boat" is.

Then, I had my own episode with kid-speak today. So I need some help with this one.

4-yr-old came to me as I sat at my sewing machine today.
"Mom, I want Moose Sand for Christmas."

So I say "What did you say?" and sure enough...Moose sand.

So I ask "And where would Santa get Moose Sand?"

The answer?

"At the STORE, silly!"

I wonder what department you find Moose Sand in? Home decor? or Home Improvement?

Any ideas?

Question...

Can any of you who are "Good" at html/bloggy/computer stuff give me some advice?

I see that some bloggers can tell who has visited their site...or at least from where. How can I set that up?

Number one, it would be REALLY interesting.

Number two, I could prove a point to someone who needs to GET the point.

I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks!

**Update...tried the statcounter and it seems to be working! I'm excited! You all ROCK!

Jangle Bells

I heard this song many moons ago...probably about 20 years to be exact. I've done Google Searches and Yahoo searches trying to find the complete lyrics.

Serious, I had them one time. Used to play the song on my guitar. But now, I can't find it and I'd LOVE to do this one with my kids this year now that they're old enough to appreciate the humor.

I really didn't make this one up. It's an old country song. I can't even remember who sang it. And I emailed our local radio station that does Christmas music from Thanksgiving to New Years and they didn't know it either. SO....

I'll give you the verses I know and maybe someone can help me. As far as I can remember, the chorus changes a little each time.

Sing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"...(big surprise! :P)

I have an old tom cat; Santa is his name.
I keep him nice and fat, but he hates me just the same.
He got at me today with those needles in his paws.
Now I'm a'wearin' bandages on account of ... SANTA'S Claws!

Jangle Bells, Jangle Bells, Jangle all the way.
We don't know all the words but we'll sing it anyway.
Jangle Bells, Jangle Bells, Ringing loud and Gay.
We'll be hearin' Jangle bells from now till Christmas Day.

Slidin' down a hill on an old ramshackle sled.
Laughin' fit to kill at something someone said.
Forgot to watch the road; not watchin' where we went.
Ran into a barbed wire fence and got our Christmas Spirits "skint".

Jangle Bells, Jangle Bells, like the wise man said;
Be careful where you slide or you'll spend Christmas day in bed.

Slippin' down the street on an old banana peel.
Could not stay on my feet; They were slicker than an eel.
My feet flew in the air; I let out a yell.
Landed on my pocket book and I broke my "Jangle Bell".

OK, OK, now that your ROLLING on the floor...
That's all I can remember. Can somebody help me out?

If not, that's alright. At least maybe you got a laugh out of the search.

Is it just me, or does this not add up?

Monthly, the State pays out - $2100.00 for childcare, $320 food stamps, $271 insurance

TOTAL approximate OUTLAY by the State - $2691.00
**not including Secondary health insurance provided by the state nor housing assistance.

My take home pay is $1200.00 monthly.

Hmmmmmm...

ANYONE see a problem here? Three days out of the week, I get to see my kids for ONE HOUR! I drop them off at school in the morning and it RIPS my heart out when they say "See ya' tomorrow, Mom!"

The state is paying out well over $32,000.00 a year...
So I can bring home $14,400.00 a year.

I'm probably giving out way too much info here...although I am doctoring the numbers some. But I am REALLY angry!!

Please pray with me over this. I don't know what to do!?!
I really need God's guidance. I just don't understand.

What is my PROBLEM?

Part of the deal with my weight loss surgery is the fact that I NEED to drink water. It isn't a choice. Very important. Life- or- death important.

SO WHY, WHY, WHY don't I drink water?

Do I have a death wish or something? Dehydration causes my heart to beat faster (tachycardia, at times). Dizzy. It makes me tired and cranky. There have been a couple of times when I have gotten SO dehydrated that I couldn't even hold my head up.
MG took me to the doctor and my blood pressure was something like 90/40. And my doctor says (paraphrasing here) "You DUMMY! Drink WATER! NO, I take that back, drink GATORADE. You are so dehydrated, you need the electrolytes. If you don't think you can drink, I am going to stick an IV needle in your arm! NOW DO IT! NOW!"

Don't misunderstand, my doctor is Awesome. We are buddies. I call him by his first name. I don't even call him "Doctor"...and he doesn't care.

Anyway, back to my post here. So what am I doing? MG tells me to drink water. Mom tells me to drink water.
Maybe that's why I don't do it...some secret "rebellion" issues. Hmmmm!

STOMP! You can't tell ME what to do.

I always say "Ok!" And then I don't do it. And I feel like crud!

I don't like Crystal Light. It makes me gag.

I don't like Pop unless it has caffeine in it. Which dehydrates you. And I can't drink that much pop anyway due to limited tummy space.

Did I mention I love coffee? Which also has caffeine (whether it's decaf or not).

OK, I've got all kinds of excuses.

1. I forgot.
2. it tastes yucky.
3. I don't have any handy right now.
4. I just ate. **another side effect of surgery. No drinking for 30 minutes before or for an hour after you eat**
5. I'm tired...I have to drink some coffee to perk me up. (no pun intended...ok, maybe a little. Perk...coffee...get it?)
6. I don't like having to visit the little girls room 40 times a day.

I also regularly forget to take my vitamins/iron/calcium. And just basically don't take care of myself. And if I don't take the iron, I get anemic...which also (BIG SURPRISE) makes you tired.

And MG wonders why I want to sleep all the time.

I'm wondering if maybe it isn't just a vicious circle. The dehydration makes me forgetful and sleepy. So that makes me lazy...so I forget to do the things I need to do. So I get more dehydrated...more tired...more lazy. Just spiralling downward....Hear my little voice going around and around down the drain. Heeeeelllllpppp meeeeee.....

AHEM...OK, well enough of that.

I guess besides asking for a little "Gee, been-there-done-that" encouragement and advice; And a little free Phsychological evaluation...I think I'm asking for prayers here.

I don't LIKE being tired. I don't LIKE forgetting things. And a big reason I got this operation was so I would be around for my kids. I WON'T be if I don't pull my head out (so to speak) and get this figured out.

Any ideas?

What's up with the "100 things?" Advice plz!

Can anyone give me some advice on what the 100 things is all about?
Is it just random? Kind of a "get to know you" type idea?
Tell me what you were thinking when you did yours'!!

Have to go to the....Oh...NO....

I HAVE TO GO TO THE DENTIST AGAIN TOMORROW.

It's a good thing MG drives...or I'd never get there. Pray for me, please, if you have an ounce of pity in your soul.
I WAS going to have an upper one worked on that has been hurting off and on and has a hole down the center bigger than the Grand Canyon.
BUT NOW I'll bet she's going to try to "repair" the root canal (read TORTURE) that broke last week.

Like I said, if MG wasn't driving....

Come to think of it, he may have to carry me to the car, as well.

I'll try not to kick and scream.

Actually, he is SO sweet. He promised to go with me. Then he says "you know, honey, I don't like that dentist. I think she's mean! We need to find you another one."
Isn't that awesome?!?! He hates to see me come staggering out crying and shaking. My hero...wanting to protect me.
I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy. :D

SPEAKING of MG! Maybe you can help us with a problem!
THE fish TANK.
Bought the thing. Bought some books...read them. Let the water sit for a few days. Conditioned it. Did the little dipstick tests. Everything looked good.

So we go buy fish. Nice fish. Docile fish.

Some die...so we replace them. More nice, sweet, docile little fish.

ALL NOW DEAD!

Probably $50 in fish down the toilet. LITERALLY!
Even the Plecostamus died! And those things are hard to kill. The only thing we have living in one shrimp, about 5 snails and possibly a frog. At least we haven't found his body yet.

We've adjusted the Ph...although it still looks on the high side to me (like 8.0). And we had to treat some of them for Ick...they had the white spots and the disappearing fins. But they died anyway.

MG is really discouraged. What the heck are we doing wrong? He is trying so hard. GORGEOUS 30 gallon tank. Under-gravel filter AND a standard filter. One little stalk of bamboo. Two different kinds of food (one for bottom feeders and some flakes). Standard brand. Did a 25% water change and kinda vacuumed the rocks. Put in some drops to clear up the water.

We are just to our wits end. What is killing our fish?

Maybe we OVER-treated. Too many chemicals. I just don't know. HELP!

OK, thanks for letting me vent about the torturist...OOPS, I mean dentist...and our poor, dead fishies.

I feel better now. :D