Apparently, I haven't learned...

So, just in case I haven't mentioned it before, I'm a gastric bypass patient.  In July of 2005, I had a Roux-en-Y procedure done.  I weighed 430 lbs on the day of surgery.  Now I'm about 250.  It fluctuates...I've gotten back up as high as 335 but exercise and stress change my weight so easily now.
I am so very glad I don't weigh as much as I did...
and I am so blessed to know the joys of, once again, riding a bicycle, crossing my legs and buying jeans.
There are a few lingering side effects, however.
Chronic anemia, malnutrition, sagging skin...
The biggest challenge for me is Pernicious Anemia (aka B12 deficient anemia).
I went to my family doctor and told him I thought I was going insane.  I was angry all the time; super angry...unreasonably angry.  The fatigue was crippling; I worked and slept.
And you know how your tongue feels when you drink cocoa or coffee that's too hot? Yah, my mouth felt like that all the time.
From WebMD

Symptoms of Vitamin B12 Deficiency

A deficiency of vitamin B12 can lead to vitamin B12 deficiency anemia. A mild deficiency may cause only mild, if any, symptoms. But as the anemia worsens it may causes symptoms such as:

• weakness, tiredness or light-headedness  
• rapid heartbeat and breathing
• pale skin
• sore tongue
• easy bruising or bleeding, including bleeding gums
• stomach upset and weight loss
• diarrhea or constipation

If the deficiency is not corrected, it can damage the nerve cells. If this happens, vitamin B12 deficiency effects may include:

• tingling or numbness in fingers and toes
• difficulty walking
• mood changes or depression
• memory loss, disorientation, and dementia.

Yep...that pretty much describes me!  Now I have to get a shot every 30 days.  In fact, a normal dose didn't cut it.  I'm special...I get a double. When I tell people I am low on B12, they advise drops, vitamins, supplements.  They don't realize that I cannot absorb it.  The part of my body that performs that function has been disconnected.

The challenge lies in the fact that I keep FORGETTING to get the shot (maybe that memory loss, disorientation, dementia thing listed at the end).  I'm 3 weeks overdue at this point and am really hating the way I feel.  

That being said, I did have major abdominal surgery three weeks ago, so I was a little stressed over that and am still healing. But the entire mess has humbled me.  

I have control issues.  I don't like having to ask for help.  I don't like waiting for other people to do things....when I could just do it NOW.  

I just don't like it!

But then I think of all the times that God has waited on me and all the times that I have frustrated Him beyond comprehension by just "doing it myself"; not waiting on Him or waiting on His plan for my life.  Jumping in with both feet has gotten me into so many tough times and hurt my children's hearts in the process.  

So I just look at myself - having once again to live through this "life lesson" and think...

"will I ever learn?"

There's a GOOD REASON I'm a little psycho...

OK, I thought I was actually sinking into some kind of mental illness here. I have been having a real challenge with mood swings...Totally exhausted ALL the time and then, WEIRD upon WEIRD, for about the last month my tongue constantly feels like I just drank coffee that was too hot. You know, like scalded. Not really painful, just kinda irritating.

So I figure What the heck, I'll go see Dr. Buddy. Maybe he knows what's up.
And the verdict, after the blood tests is...

Severe Vitamin B12 deficiency. AKA Pernicious Anemia.
Sometimes an unfortunate side effect of Gastric Bypass surgery.

Here's the rundown of "symptoms" I found on the World Wide Web -
The first symptoms will be unusual tiredness, difficulty in breathing and dizziness. Check. I've almost blacked out several times just from standing up, but thought it was because I wasn't drinking enough water. Hmmmm.
a red, irritated and possibly shiny, tongue and a reduced sense of taste. Checkaroony.
altered or reduced sense of touch and reduced sense of vibration (an inability to feel the vibrations of a tuning fork). OK, not so much.
Irritability, personality change Ummm, YAH! I'm swinging so high on the mood scale MG has been threatening to sign me up for the space program.
Mild memory impairment, dementia Sorry, can't remember if I've had this or not! JOKE
Depression In case you missed it, I talked about that one HERE .
Psychosis I don't think I got THIS far...you'd have to ask my kids and MG.
pains in the legs (intermittent claudication), difficulties with walking and coordination will gradually occur together with muscle spasm paralysis. THANK GOD I missed that one!
shortness of breath, palpitation and chest pains. I just thought it was dehydration...not enough liquids. A couple of times my heart has gone nutso, beating really hard and flopping in my chest. Could always get it to stop. Called the doctor and they said it was probably just not enough water. Guess it was more than that.
with pernicious anaemia there is an increased danger of developing cancer of the stomach. Another hefty PRAISE GOD that I decided to go get it checked out.

Now, what am I doing about it? I have to go get SHOTS. Once a month. Yippee. But if it makes me easier to live with then I'm sure MG will CHEERFULLY drive me there...or throw me over his shoulder and carry me...barefoot, over broken glass, through fire, hogtied if necessary. JUST KIDDING! I'm not that bad...

I think..?!?
But what was that about memory impairment? Uhhhh...

What is my PROBLEM?

Part of the deal with my weight loss surgery is the fact that I NEED to drink water. It isn't a choice. Very important. Life- or- death important.

SO WHY, WHY, WHY don't I drink water?

Do I have a death wish or something? Dehydration causes my heart to beat faster (tachycardia, at times). Dizzy. It makes me tired and cranky. There have been a couple of times when I have gotten SO dehydrated that I couldn't even hold my head up.
MG took me to the doctor and my blood pressure was something like 90/40. And my doctor says (paraphrasing here) "You DUMMY! Drink WATER! NO, I take that back, drink GATORADE. You are so dehydrated, you need the electrolytes. If you don't think you can drink, I am going to stick an IV needle in your arm! NOW DO IT! NOW!"

Don't misunderstand, my doctor is Awesome. We are buddies. I call him by his first name. I don't even call him "Doctor"...and he doesn't care.

Anyway, back to my post here. So what am I doing? MG tells me to drink water. Mom tells me to drink water.
Maybe that's why I don't do it...some secret "rebellion" issues. Hmmmm!

STOMP! You can't tell ME what to do.

I always say "Ok!" And then I don't do it. And I feel like crud!

I don't like Crystal Light. It makes me gag.

I don't like Pop unless it has caffeine in it. Which dehydrates you. And I can't drink that much pop anyway due to limited tummy space.

Did I mention I love coffee? Which also has caffeine (whether it's decaf or not).

OK, I've got all kinds of excuses.

1. I forgot.
2. it tastes yucky.
3. I don't have any handy right now.
4. I just ate. **another side effect of surgery. No drinking for 30 minutes before or for an hour after you eat**
5. I'm tired...I have to drink some coffee to perk me up. (no pun intended...ok, maybe a little. Perk...coffee...get it?)
6. I don't like having to visit the little girls room 40 times a day.

I also regularly forget to take my vitamins/iron/calcium. And just basically don't take care of myself. And if I don't take the iron, I get anemic...which also (BIG SURPRISE) makes you tired.

And MG wonders why I want to sleep all the time.

I'm wondering if maybe it isn't just a vicious circle. The dehydration makes me forgetful and sleepy. So that makes me lazy...so I forget to do the things I need to do. So I get more dehydrated...more tired...more lazy. Just spiralling downward....Hear my little voice going around and around down the drain. Heeeeelllllpppp meeeeee.....

AHEM...OK, well enough of that.

I guess besides asking for a little "Gee, been-there-done-that" encouragement and advice; And a little free Phsychological evaluation...I think I'm asking for prayers here.

I don't LIKE being tired. I don't LIKE forgetting things. And a big reason I got this operation was so I would be around for my kids. I WON'T be if I don't pull my head out (so to speak) and get this figured out.

Any ideas?

WLS Sisters Unite!

Just the title of this post makes me chuckle...mainly because I am NOT a "group" kinda person. Don't know why. Just never have been.
Maybe a side effect of being so HUGE all my life that I hated being in crowds, feeling like a "bull in a china shop". Maybe because I tend to talk too much. (those of you who know me will understand the UNDERSTATEMENT here...ok, ok, stop laughing! :D) So I would dominate the conversation in a group setting and would probably be asked to leave. As in...

"You GO girl...there's the door and don't let it hit you in the hiney on the way out."

Saw that one in a tattoo artist's shop yesterday in between painful grimaces.
I have my own "miniature" support group in my aunts and mother who have all had various forms of G.B. surgery. They are 10 years, 7 years and 18 months out. So when I wanna know if I can eat soup with corn in it or if I need encouragement to keep up my spirits...they are right there for me. Just a phone call away! (yes, you can eat corn IN SOUP if you run it through a food processor so there are no whole hulls. :D)

ANYWAY, I've been kinda cruising blog pages of others who have or are thinking of having Weight Loss Surgery (hereafter referred to as WLS...ooooo, don't I sound professional?!?)

I will make a few disclaimers here...confessions, so to speak.

1) I DID not TRY to lose weight before the surgery. It was not a requirement of my "program" although he recommended I "make an effort" and gave me a little plastic 2oz cup to stare at so I could get my brain around how much I would be able to eat post-procedure.
2) What happened was that my family underwent a HORRIBLE traumatice episode ONE MONTH before this surgery that I had battled the insurance for a YEAR to get approved. Because of this event, I was UNABLE to eat for about 3 weeks due to stress and grief. So at my pre-op appt. It looked like I had lost about 20 lb.s.
3) HOWEVER, about 2 weeks before the surgery, it occured to me that I was NEVER AGAIN (or at least for a very long time!) eat Pie, Cake, Ice Cream, Cookies, fruit, steak/meat, COFFEEEEE, soda pop, etc. So, I am ashamed to admit, I went into PIG OUT mode. The local all-you-can-eat buffet got to know me on a first name basis.
4) I am not following my surgeon's program like I should. I did the required visits and blood tests for the first year. I have a struggle remembering to take my vitamins, iron and calcium and I don't exercise like I should (not counting chasing four kids :D). But I'm working on it...and I'm trying to do better.
5) I DO eat chocolate every now and then. I have been known to nibble three bites of cheesecake. I drink coffee. And I have drunk a Pepsi(real-not diet, very carefully and only about 1/3 of a can. It was uncomfortable.)
6) I battled with myself over whether or not to proceed. NOT because I was frightened or because of the hordes of people who said "Oh, do you REALLY need to do something that DRASTIC? Can't you just stop eating?"

IF I COULD "just stop eating", DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE???? Do you think I ENJOY looking and feeling like this?

Great Gobs of Goose Grease. Here's your sign! Just wanna slap you upside your head! In my head, basically, they were saying, "You are lazy and you just haven't tried to lose weight. Now you're taking the easy way out."

**OK, excuse me here for a minute while I compose myself. Getting my oversized panties in a wad here!**

Oooooohmmmm, ooooooohmmmm, ooooooohmmmm.

The reason I even considered backing out of the surgery was because all of a sudden, I was the only adult responsible for four kids under the age of 11. What happens if, God forbid, anything went wrong? More realistically, how will I care for them by myself for the first rough 3 months?

After much prayer and wise counsel, the decision was made to proceed. I wanted to be around to see my kids to graduate from high school. I wanted to have the energy to run and play with them. I needed to be healthy to take care of them.

I found a girl who had just graduated from high school and she agreed to be my roomy for 4 months (over the summer) to help with the kids. And away I went...

July 29, 2005.

Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass. Dr. Read. Corvallis, Oregon.

New life begins! Two days in the hospital. I remember thinking as I walked out those hospital doors, "You know what, I don't feel that much different!"

I was SO careful the first couple of weeks.

Then came the first "Oops" moment. Third week after surgery. I ate an ENTIRE egg.
I knew better! I'd only been able to eat about 3/4 of the egg before...but it tasted SO good after all that liquid stuff. So I pushed the limits.

OH. MY. GOODNESS!

Thought I was gonna DIE! OWie, owie, owie. For about an hour.

The next week after that, I tried some cottage cheese. Regular fat...not low fat. Spent most of the afternoon on the toilet. OK...so we won't do THAT again!

Don't remember the first time I threw up. Probably about the same time I started trying more solid foods.
Throwing up isn't the same post surg. Just a nice, little ladylike "urp". Not too bad really. Which is good...because while I was learning what I could eat and what I couldn't, I threw up several times a week. At first, my kids were really upset by it. Running, yelling, OH NO, OH NO, Mom's PUKING!!
They got used to it real quick. "Ah, no biggy. There she goes again."

I've had dumping syndrome a few times...mainly because I'm a choco-holic. I've found I can eat SOME, but not MUCH. If I eat an entire small bag of M&M's, for example, I'll have to go to bed for about 30 minutes with sweats, nausea, diarrhea (OK, I'm not in bed for THAT, but you know what I mean!).

What I've found is that negative reinforcement goes a LONG way. If I've tried it once and it caused pain...you can bet your sweet bippy I don't do it again!

My biggest challenges...

• Drinking enough water. I've gotten myself dehydrated to the point of needing IV fluids. ONCE. Felt crappy! too weeeeaaaakkk...couldn't move. I have to constantly remind myself to do this. The flip side to this one is that I am SO STINKIN' grateful to be able to drink coffee again. I 'bout DIED for the six months they don't let you have any...and I am still naughty cuz I don't drink "decaf". Plus the caffeine sucks MORE fluid out of me. So anyway, YAH, hydration is my biggest challenge.
• My new body image. Men LOOK at me! Gives me the willies sometimes to have people stare at me. But I must confess that I have actually USED it a couple of times, **Batting eyelashes** "but, I've never pumped my own gas! (blink blink) Could you help me?"

My Greatest JOYS I will post for my Thursday Thirteen. So come check back! :D

Leave me a comment so I can visit your page and we can share. Let's be friends! And WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT ever, I repeat EVER, eat chicken breast without major chewing and sufficient smothering in mashed potatoes and gravy. Those of you who have tried it know what I mean. It won't come up and it won't go down...it just sits there and KILLS YOU!

That's my advice for the day. :D

P.S. here's a "before and after" picture...and I've lost 30 more since then. YaaaHOOOOO! Also some of my life history so you can "get to know me". Have an awesome day!!

http://douglassmom.blogspot.com/2006/08/lesson-learned.html

Naive or not and the Bicycle adventure

First of all, let me say that MG is irritated that I do this. You know...write....online...where ANYONE can read it.

I'm really sorry that it bugs him. But I don't want to quit. No one in the "real world" wants to hear me talk this much. Does he really want me to come home and go on and on about my Thursday Thirteen or my Top Five Tag...or how I feel like a failure as a parent about 75% of the time?

NOPE, I don't think so, either.

I think his big worry is because of the little "episode with psychowoman" that we had on MySpace a couple of months ago. She's faded into the woodwork now and I must say I am VERY grateful. And I have a hard time believing there are many people out there who don't have a life and want to play with mine.

OR maybe I'm just naive.

But is that really such a bad thing? If you don't trust people to some extent, what do you gain? And if all your naivete' is gone, you become hard and cold; paranoid. I wouldn't have met friends I have come to care about if I were afraid to share.

On the other hand, sometimes things go wrong. Like with "psychowoman" mentioned above (and in my July/August blogs)...and like a certain gallant, honorable, hilarious lawman who's blogs may be in jeopardy because of the stupidity of someone who does not deserve the name "lawman" in another state.
And the family found this morning in Florida...who did they trust? My heart breaks. Mommy found with her arms around her babies...trying to shield them from something she could not possibly stop. I'm sure Daddy tried his best to protect his family as well.

Father God has His loving arms around them right now.

So how do you know how much to trust? I don't know. Don't have the answer to that one.

On to more POSITIVE things...Another "first" yesterday!

Well, maybe just "first time in a LONG time"...
I rode a bike. As in bicycle. For the first time since 1992.
Got #1 a new bike. Cool green retro-lookin' fat-tire thing with some Hawaiian name. Has an "extra" big seat, too.
Which attracted me immediately. Never have been one for getting those little bike seats up the wazzoo. They could get lost in there!

Anyway, I didn't make it very far the first attempt.
AND I tipped the seat back....AND popped the lens off the rear reflector with my butt.

So I get off and fix all the damage I've done. And I try again!

This time I make it farther. Down to the cross street and back.

Wobbling all the way. Praying no cars come. Elbows sticking out so far I bear a strong resemblance to an albatross. Listening to the children and the neighbors laugh their butts off.

But I can't blame them...I did look VERY funny. :D

And I was happy to say "I did it!" I was wild, and I was reckless and I (*expletive deleted*) did it! (have you ever seen True Lies? One of my favorite movies. And in case you haven't seen it...that was a great Jaime Lee Curtis line.) I've always wanted to say that one... :D

Man, I want to go home. (strike up the violins, here comes the whine). Nothing would feel better right now that cuddling up on my bed with MG, watching TV and sippin' hot coffee. And closing my eyes...and drifting...off...WHOOPS! better put that hot coffee down... LOL :D

Ya'll have a great day and thanks SO much for reading my stuff.
God Bless...