Part of being of the female persuasion blesses me with the ability to talk (or in this case, write) in order to "discover" the answers to my own questions.
If you are female, you will understand this. If you are male, it's alright (pat, pat) don't worry about it, dear. Isn't there any football on television?
I don't mean to be condescending, but men are hardwired to go into "rescue" or "helper" mode when presented with a challenge. They think we are talking to them in order for them to come up with an answer or "fix our problem".
In reality, us ladies basically just "think out loud." If men just sit there and nod, eventually the girl talking to him will come up with her OWN answers and he will look all wise and helpful for just sitting there, listening and NOT falling asleep.
It's a hard job...listening to us and looking interested.
ANYWAY, Back to my original plan here..
Here are a few things I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!
For instance, I do NOT understand why the State Health Insurance provider will not cover my hernia repair. They covered the tubal ligation that I was originally supposed to have and the six months of wound care that ensued. They will cover it if I cut my finger while slicing a bagel in my kitchen. However, when I have four (yes, count them...F-O-U-R) holes in my abdominal muscles that allow my guts to migrate to places they were never meant to visit, the Good Ole' SHI in it's infinite wisdom has decided that it is no problem at all for me to walk around with a time bomb on my tummy. All it takes is a few minutes of inattention on my part and part of my intestines will become "strangulated" or, in layman's terms, it will start to die. Then the hernia repair becomes a life-threatening emergency. THEN and ONLY then will they pay for it.
Bugger my kids, bugger my sanity, bugger the fact that I have a full class load coming up in January and I wanted to be back on my feet for it.
Yah.
Another thing I do not understand is WHY anyone would hang out laundry in December in Oregon. It will never dry. It may freeze. And if you leave it out long enough in an attempt to dry it, it most DEFINITELY will mold.
I really do not understand why I can carry a box out to the garage and come right back in...I mean RIGHT back in - outside for 1 minute TOPS... and the mutt puppy goes NUTSO jumping up on my leg and wagging like a maniac. She does the same thing when I'm gong for eight hours! Do dogs not have short term memory? Sometimes I just look at her and say "WHAT is your PROBLEM? I just LEFT!?!"
Obligatory eye rolling, here.
OH...OH...OH (remind you of Horshack?) HAVE TO TELL YOU! HAVE TO TELL YOU!
Finally jumped through all the hoops and I am now an official probationary member of the Little Podunk Town Rescue Squad. Got my own pager and jacket with patches.
SO here's the NEXT thing I don't understand. WHY does it always work out that you are SO excited about something...and then nothing happens? Sat here ALL day next to this pager with my feet hovering over my shoes and one eye on my EMT jacket WAITING for that sucker to tone out. And waiting....and waiting.....and waiting...
As Yukon Jack says on Rudolph the Red Nosed Riendeer....."slurp, slurp, slurp...AH Nuttin'!"
I do not understand why my Redneck Double-Wide's Thermostat has to be swatted in order to make the furnace kick on. Notice it's starting to get chilly in the house so I toddle over there and SMAK. Less than two minutes later, Ahhhhhh, heat!
Of course, I'm not an electrician. Or a heating and plumbing guy. And I don't know alot about mercury. But I remember hearing somewhere that those kinds of switches weren't the best. Or they were actually illegal. Or something like that.
Probably the same place I heard that the Grey PVC piping making up my water Piping system under this 2-wide has been recalled.
I'm just sayin'...
I don't understand how I could have been married two times and thought I was so happy. I remember some good times and a few romantic moments, but I NEVER loved them the way I feel towards Loverboy. The first two times were "hmmm, I'm already livin' here, I probably should marry him. I love him, I guess. He's nice enough". With Loverboy, I want to make him happy forever and ever. When I'm with him, I smile like a goofball. When I see his name on the caller ID, I get goosebumps. Maybe it's infatuation. But I'm 42, for pete's sake! I shouldn't be practicing writing my first name with his last name or jumping up and down and squealing when he says he's coming to visit. That's teenage stuff...but WOW does it feel good.
I don't understand, either, how people can sashay through this life without some kind of anchor or trust in a higher power. I can not do this life by myself. If I hadn't had Someone there to talk to when my number two was in the hospital, or had Someone to turn to when my life imploded on June 17, 2005, I would not have been able to keep going. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I use my faith as a crutch. But if that's so, holy COW, somebody break my OTHER leg, too.
You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize there are a heck of a lot of things I don't understand.
- Like why men can't aim.
- And why kids go ballistic when the phone rings.
- or why I can't get my kids to school on time no matter how HARD I try or how EARLY I get up.
- or Why people get cancer.
- and WHY, oh WHY, people forget how to drive the speed limit on Sundays!
When I get to the feet of Jesus, He and I are gonna have to have a Looooooooong talk. He's got a lot of 'splainin to do. :D
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