Surprisingly NOT stressed...

So much pooh has been hitting me lately. I could whine, but it wouldn't do any good. Cuz there are SO many others who have it worse...I'm just saying...
But in the interest of sharing, here are the highlights:

• The Oregon Powers that Rule My Life decided that I was taking too long to get my degree and seriously considered dropping me from the grant program that allows me to barely exist. When I appealed, they gave me another year - provided I scrape, grovel and cater to their every whim. (Yes, that is sarcasm)
• the Federal Powers that Govern My Education decided that They will not pay for my entire education any more - only 1/4 time will be allowed. Which makes it difficult considering that the above-mentioned OPRML require that I attend school FULL time. Hmmm, I wonder who's paying for the other 3/4's of this year's college education so I can get my Associates Degree? Any guesses? In about six months, I will be hosting a fund-raiser for bail money to get me out of the poor-house. Heads up...
• I lost a friend. A very dear friend. No, she didn't die. We came to a difference of opinions that made it impossible for the relationship to continue. It was unhealthy for both of us and for the best in the long run. But I miss her terribly and grieve for the loss. This is HUGE for me because I cherish my friends and am not that difficult to get along with.
• I have been having physical and mental symptoms of the dreaded "M" word that strikes fear into the hearts of any female over the age of 40. Waking up to change my night clothes once or twice a night, exhaustion, a mood lower than a snake's belly and private little vacations in the tropics have pretty much confirmed that. Apparently, despite sticking my head in the sand like an ostrich and pretending I would skate through it like a newborn colt on an icy pond, denial has once again served absolutely no purpose.
• After stepping on the scale and screaming so loud that my family thought I was watching a horror movie in the bathroom, it has become painfully evident that the 200 lbs I lost in the last five years after my gastric bypass has been insidiously re-establishing itself onto my rear end. I knew I should have cleaned out that bedroom closet! It must have been hiding in there just waiting for the chance to re-attach.

I know this post seems rather morose and just simply downright depressing but I don't mean it to be that way. Actually, there is much cause for hope! I do have faith that God will provide. He has taken care of me in the past and I am sure he will continue to do so...but sometimes the fear becomes overwhelming because I cannot see how. I am not good at relinquishing control - yet I must to maintain my sanity.

GOOD things do happen in my life as well! A wonderful man loves me and devotes his life to making me happy. My children are all healthy. I have many good, loyal friends. The midwifery business is picking up and I am moving forward, learning and growing. My car runs. There is a roof over my head. I have food in the fridge.

And I have begun a journey with Lindsey, Amy, Sharon, Danette, and Lisa in Blogworld where we support each other in a "kinda-public" format to become more aware of our relationship with God and how that relates to our weight. Just beginning the second week...but so far, I have been blessed beyond measure! If you'd like to pray for us or just follow along, you can find the His Weigh group over at Redefining Health.

That is, IF I haven't totally depressed you to the point where you have to go get that half-gallon of Death By Chocolate ice cream out of the freezer and eat it all while watching Little House On The Prairie Reruns...

;P

A Dusty Frame Giveaway #3

My friend Lizzie at A Dusty Frame has posted another giveaway!
Elegant Rose has alot of wonderful "pamper yourself" kinds of bath products
that would make an hour or two in the bathtub seem like a day at the spa!

My favorite is the Almond Vanilla Brown Sugar scrub.
I have a tough time with rough, cracked feet.
I bet this would be just the ticket to making my skin feel and smell wonderful.

Go leave her a comment and get in on the giveaway.

Blessings to Liz on her Blog Birthday!

GUESS WHAT?? GUESS WHAT??
My friend Lizzie at A Dusty Frame is having a Bloggy Birthday!!
Her blog is three years old! How cool is that???
She is having giveaways and sharing some super uplifting cards she has received.

Go on over and check it out when you have a minute.
Sign up for the give away items (VERY awesome stuff!) and let her know how much you appreciate her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, My friend!
You bless me!

writing

When I tell people why I write...they look at me like I'm insane.
Which I am...but that's beside the point, you know.

Most people see writing as a chore. "I don't know what to say!" "It can be used in evidence against me someday!" "What's the use?" "Only if I have to for school!"

I write for the sake of writing. Because if feels good. It's cheaper than alcohol. Definitely cheaper than a psychologist. And if someone doesn't like what I write, they can just stop reading.

vs me following them around yelling, for instance.

I wish that I could do some good with what I write. I dream of making a difference someday with the words that I put on paper (or on the screen, as the case may be).

Please don't read my stuff because you think you have to.
Please don't read my stuff because you think I might be talking about you. I might be...but I usually use pseudonyms, so don't worry.
Please DON'T read my stuff because you think I might be trying to send you some kind of subliminal message.

If it's important to me, I'll come right out and say it.
And if I have already popped right out and told you how I feel....THEN I write about it? Well, at least it ain't no surprise.

Had something on my heart last night.
It was very heavy. Won't bother to explain my whole theory about what causes these things. Suffice it to say that I just couldn't get it to leave. Couldn't shake it.

Is it important enough to start a "discussion" over?
Has it all been said before?
Would my saying anything change the situation?

in reality, probably not.

So I wrote. Old fashioned pencil and paper. Chose poetry style.
five pages later, I fell asleep.
But this time, it didn't work. It helped...it did. Doesn't bother me quite so much.

With no classes? Guess I just have too much time to think.
And too much time to hurt.
too much time alone.

Think I'll go take a nap...

WR240 - "On..."

One of the exercises in the Creative NonFiction textbook that I thought I would try out is called "On...". You choose a feeling...not a noun. There were actually two times in the first few chapters that he recommended it; the first as a positive feeling and the second an "anti - " feeling.

Well, of course, I'm all about "negative". Just ask my ex husband.

OK, that was supposed to be a joke.

Sorry.

Anyway, I guess you could actually entitle this one two different ways; both negative and positive.
On Self-Doubt and On Potential

depends on whether you are a "glass-half-full" person or a "glass-half-empty" person.

Went to hang out for a shift at a nearby fire station. Normally it would be called a "ride-along" but we didn't actually have any calls. The entire twelve hour shift.
SO the only ride I went on was to one of the firefighters' homes - he was moving and needed help lifting something heavy.
After we did a couple of hours of Code practice with the paramedic on duty, (who was, by the way, one of the cooler people I have EVER met) I stepped out behind the fire station for some fresh air. It backs up to the railroad tracks - Literally!
Twenty FEET from the railroad tracks.
As I sat in the sun listening to the small town noises, I started to look around and my eyes fell on the lower floor of a grain elevator.
Posted "NO TRESPASSING" signs, a door partially open. Metal siding rusty in spots and flapping in the wind in other spots. Long oxidized patched rail-car-loading tubes suspended over the tracks in two different directions. I wonder if it is abandoned.
And the answer comes when my gaze follows the tower upward. Windows broken out leave the upper floor exposed to the elements...That would be MY definition of "abandoned".
It doesn't' really look that bad if you keep your sights set low. But it is in raising your expectations that the building shows it's true colors.
AND of course, that got me to thinking.
I passed my EMT Intermediate final a few days ago. YES - I passed!! Yet because I have little to no experience with patient transport (I only respond with a rescue, we "package" and pass the patient to Big City Ambulance) if the expectations are raised...I will be like that old grain elevator. BIG GAPS in my capabilities. Book larnin' but no street smarts. How am I going to fill those gaps? Only time will tell.
So I'm afraid. But it's an exhilarating kind of fear - not a debilitating fear. I simply need to fill in those broken windows, nail down the flapping pieces of siding and tighten up the corners. That done, I could turn in to a halfway serviceable Medic. Even if I am not serviceable as a "grain Elevator", maybe I can become a great "apartment house" or "night club". As long as I can support my children without public assistance and make a difference in my little corner of the world, I'm good.
Oh...and, of course, not hurt anybody. That would be a good thing.

WR240 - fodder for my blog

I don't know if I told ya'll, but I'm taking a writing class.
I know you are all surprised. Try not to faint.

And you shouldn't giggle...it isn't very ladylike.

But when have I ever been a lady? So...GO AHEAD!

Anyway...
I actually LIKE my Creative NonFiction text book. I find myself reading it just for fun. The author writes alot like I do and he has an awesome sense of humor.
And I LOVE writing, so that helps, too. He has given me a wealth of great information and hints to write on. I noticed I've been looking at things differently - with the eye of "what does this remind me of and how does it make me feel and what can I write about it?"

One of the exercises was to write two lists:
WHAT do I know?
and
WHAT do I not know?

But I added a third:
WHAT I'd LIKE to know.

I'll be posting some of my sketchings here; just cuz I like to share with ya'll, ya' know.

Lucky you!! NOT.

What do I know?
**General disclaimer: (learned this from the book, too) IN NO WAY and by NO STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION do I know EVERYTHING about any one of these subjects. In fact, I usually tell anyone that asks that I know just enough to get myself into trouble.**

• Midwifery
• Customer Service
• Talking on the phone
• EMT Basic skills
• Baking
• Computers
• Serving
• Sewing
• Compassion
• Driving
• Being a daughter
• Being a mom
• Being a friend
• Singing

What do I NOT know:

• Everything else

What I'd LIKE to know:

• Auto Mechanics
• psychology
• counseling
• tact
• when to keep my mouth shut

I'm just saying...

PAD 20 - Rebirth

Would you care to join in? Only ten days left of the challenge...but it is fun and there are SO many awesome comments to read!! WOW!!
Today, Mr. Brewer's prompt is to...
"write a poem of rebirth. There are many different types of rebirth available, including the changing of the seasons, the beginning of the day, religious or spiritual rebirth, a reconfirmation of good in people, re-learning how to love, etc. So think on it a bit, and create a stellar rebirth poem."

Then and now

Then...I weighed 450 lbs.
Now...I hit 280.

Then...I was judgmental and pious.
Now...I know I am the worst of the worst.

Then...I acted like it was all about me.
Now...Who is me?

Then...my babies were a hassle.
Now...they are my treasure.

Then...I thought nothing bad could happen.
Now...My children are all I have left.

Then...I was unemployed, stay at home soccer mom.
Now...I am Mom, full time student, EMT, apprentice midwife, CERT Volunteer, Fiance', Daughter, Lover, friend, comforter, shoulder, writer, neighbor, father, dishwasher, maid, handyman, cheerleader and oppressed five year old.

I'm a mom blogger!

Went over to Scribbit's today....which took me to Jordan's...which took me to this quiz...

The Mom Blogger Quiz
You're a mom blogger!

"Congratulations! You're a mom blogger!
You have a blog, but you have a good sense of priorities in your life.
Good for you. How I envy you. "

PAD 4 / How my day was yesterday

RATS! I missed a day on the Poetry writing! I really did intend to keep up, but I'm right back to it today.
Yesterday was kind of a bear doing eight hours in a Big City Hospital Triage. Then took an hour to pack and headed across the state to see my Loverboy. Saw home for a grand total of an hour and a half but it was worth it for the experience and to spend a couple of days with the love of my life.
Yesteday's ER time was an adventure. Started out kinda slow, but ended up helping with about 30 patients. Did vitals on everything from a drug seeking Hep C positive guy to a two month old baby with a rash, to a 73 year old man who was in Sinus Tach and didn't know it, to a man with HIV AND HepB. Made some new friends and saw a couple of old ones too.

Today is PAD day 4. The instructions are to "pick an animal; make that animal the title of your poem; then, write a poem."

Hmmmmm...

My Little Bitty Mutt

I didn't want a dog.
I'm not a "dog person".
I like cats.

The kids wanted her.
So I checked out Pet Finder.
There she was.

Took her awhile
To get used to our family.
But she did.

She loved me
From the start, the first day.
She was mine.

Slept with me
under the covers behind my legs.
against my back.

Depression set in.
couldn't get out of my bed.
except for her.

She was there.
she knew how low I was.
a quiet presence.

An old friend
in a new little fuzzy body.
She was there.

No words needed.
Just those caring brown eyes.
and a snuggle.

Didn't want her.
I'm not a dog person, you know.
But I needed her.

It don't rhyme

I know I have missed the deadline by about 45 minutes, but didn't want to skip a day of the PAD Challenge.
Todays' prompt is to write an outsider poem.

Hmmmmm...

I have been an outsider all of my life.
Maybe not at first glance...
You can't tell from the outside.

I look like I've got it all together.
I act like I know what I'm doing.
You can't tell from the outside.

If you were in my head, you would see;
and feel the fear and loneliness;
You can't tell from the outside.

Too calm for the wild kids.
Too wild for the grown ups.
Too good for the bar crowd.
Too bad for the church crowd.
Too insecure to be a good mama.
Too loving to be a bad mama.
Too busy to be a friend.
Too lonely to be alone.
Too tired to keep house.
Too busy to keep house.

You just can't tell from the outside.

April P.A.D. Challenge

I got an email today about an event hosted this month by Robert Brewer at Poetic Asides. Each day, he will post a prompt...and we get to write a poem about it.

Doesn't have to be a GOOD poem...just a poem. But it's a chance to write...and motivation to blog every day for the month of April.

I'll Do my best, Captain!!

"For today's prompt, write an origin poem. It can be the origin of a word, person, plant, idea, etc. Have fun with it."

FELL for it AGAIN

When I get an email from an old and trusted friend,
usually I will read it from beginning to the end.
I trust the things they send me though I know it's just passed on
From some friend of a friend of a friend of a friend who lives to heck and gone.
I don't know why it doesn't occur to me as I read the things they email
That it might possibly not really be true, that the framework of fact is frail.
I guess I'm just gullible, one of the poor, hapless dopes;
For whom some intelligent person created a website known as Snopes.

Sometimes drunk people are downright funny...

OK OK OK...I know that I've already posted twice today...but I just got done reading one of the funniest things I've read in awhile.
ALERT...ALERT...It does include foul language and adult themes (like drunk people) so it's not suitable for every reader.

But if you are in Emergency Services ANYWHERE, you will be used to this humor and find yourself shaking your head in agreement. And laughing so hard you fall off your comfy little office chair.
So for all my EMS buddies, here's the link to my friend, the Ambulance Driver.
He ROCKS! and he's FUNNY, too.

Brass Band Playing!!

WELL, HERE IT IS, LADIES AND GERMS!!!

MY 500TH POST.

Hmmm, well, that was kinda anticlimactic, wasn't it?

Anyway, I just wanted to write and tell you that I had a wonderful day.
I led music at church this morning, which was kind of odd...because I only had an organist to work with. But being summer and good weather, there were only about 3 people there to watch me mess up. :D
I still am in a quandry as to whether or not I should FORCE or BRIBE my children to go. #1 will only go if we are going out to eat. #3 will only go if #1 goes. #2 goes often, but not all the time. #4 always goes...but that is because she is grafted to me at the hip. I was forced to go to church as a child. Three times a week, Sunday am, pm and Wednesday night. And I HATED IT. Ick, Ooo, Torture.
On the other hand, I AM the parent and what I say is supposed to go...right?
Crud, I don't know.

ONWARD...after church, we were invited to the beach by some VERY special friends. Lunch included. WOW!
Played in the surf and got hit about hip level by a wave that was bigger than I thought. Got my cell phone a little damp...OOOoops.
Made sandcastles. Flew a kite. Watched the kids climb on rocks. Got sunburned. Relaxed. Aaaaaah! It was wonderful.
My kids hadn't met my friends yet...and it was love at first fly. While flying kites, #3 said it was her best day ever and asked to take my friends home with us. Which is funny, cuz they are both over 40. I guess she adores them as much as I do. :D

The girls and the mutt slept on the way home. I tried NOT to sleep on the way home.

It was a Vewy, Vewy, Vewy good day.

HA, depression!! TAKE THAT!

It's official...I'm weird!

Blogger-buddy and fellow student MotoMom filled out this meme. No, she didn't tag me.

But I stole it anyway. :P

Hers is a "Christmas Version". Don't know if I can stick with that or not, but I'll try...

Hmmmm...

7 Weird Things

1. We do a "Birthday Cake for Jesus". OK, that is IF I remember to buy the mix. Well, this year, I did buy the mix. Is it alright if I got "Devil's Food" for Jesus' birthday cake?
2. I don't like "It's a Wonderful Life". I don't know, just something too "dark" about it. My mother thinks I'm weird because of this.
3. I have also never seen the "Nightmare Before Christmas". Don't faint.
4. I could watch "White Christmas" twice a day for the entire month of December and never get tired of it. Sometimes I do. And sometimes, I even watch it in **gasp** May and July. And August and April and...
5. The best Christmas gift I ever got was a Super Nintendo. SNES. Remember those? I still have it!
6. I sometimes forget to open my presents on Christmas morning. I get so in to watching the kids and placing batteries and cleaning up wrapping paper...till one of the kids says "MOM!"
7. All I want for Christmas this year is my own car that runs. (sing to the tune of "all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"). I know it sounds petty, but having to ask someones' permission to use the car is so, I don't know, IRRITATING. I know I should be grateful. I keep telling myself that.

Am I weird? I think so. I could keep going if you need more proof...

Tag! yer it!

Blogger challenges!

For some reason, my posts and page changes aren't showing up.

This has never happened before.

What's up?

Impatient Child

Went to my second birthing last night. I was the assistant this time.

I think I'm a jinx or something. Both births I have gone to have not gone well.

Number one was a Csection after 30 hours of labor and last night, she just wasn't ready. We hung out for about 18 hours with only one cm of progression and then gave her permission to stop. She was trying so hard to go into labor but it wasn't time.

It was a great learning experience though! The midwife had to sleep for a few hours so she left me to monitor. WOW!

I used the Doppler to find the fetal hearttones and took vitals. It felt good to be trusted like that.

And SCARY, too.

And exhausting.

And I'm wishing I hadn't partaken of the 2am Taco Bell run - I think it's STILL sitting like a rock in my stomach.

Oh well. Hopefully when this mom seriously takes off, I'll be there. And finally get to assist at a birth.

Things are going well. My two classes are winding up. One finished, the other I have one lesson and the final. Had to do a research paper on Chlamydia of all things. YAK.

But I got an A on it. So that's good.

MG and I towed the little red car home. I put her up on Craigs List as is and she was sold for a few hundred within 24 hours to someone who collects SHO's. I was glad someone got her who could afford to fix her and take care of her.

Kinda lame to get sappy over a car.

I must have PMS cuz I'm sappy over just about everything anymore.

School starts in two weeks. We've started a "clean room" project and so far it seems to be working fairly well.

Told them they could have a mouse in a Habitrail if they kept the room clean for 30 days.

We are on day 10 and so far so good.

Everybody is healthy. Still waiting on word from the Degree Completion Program to see if I will be able to go to school full time or if I have to go back to work.

You know, as much as I WANT to go move forward with this path, my kids come first.

So whatever my God wants is fine with me. If I have to work and go part time, if I have to work and wait on my dream or if I can go for it now...it is up to Him.

So I wait. I must admit I am impatient sometimes. Just yesterday morning I found myself crying in prayer saying "I don't CARE what You choose, Father! You know the desires of my heart! Just please, PLEASE let me know. I am so tired of being patient." I'm such a Type-A personality; I hate not knowing, being unsecure and up-in-the-air. Arrgh! But God knows.

I know He knows, cuz I told Him. What a bratty child I am. :D

I think I need some coffee...

Thanks for the kind comments, my friends. It touches my heart to know that even when I don't write often right now, you are still there.

I also want to say thanks to Donetta
for this sweet gift. I am humbled and honored. You bless my heart!

White Elephant Wonder!

BOY HOWDY! Got my White Elephant gift last week (the day after Christmas, actually) but have been having a challenge with getting my camera to work. SO that's why I'm posting it a little late.
My benefactor wasLiz...formerly known as Tess. She sent me this WONDERFUL, AMAZING, FANTASTIC Game!
(at least my 12 year old boy loves it :D)
Yes, folks, it's the year 1995 in sports! NHL '95 and John Madden NFL 1995. Two Fabulous games in ONE compact unit.

OH, John Madden. Be Still My Heart!

This White Elephant party was the brain-child of Half Pint House
We had a TON of Elephant Fun. Hope you'll join us for the next one!

OK...think I'm done...

Well, ladies and germs...I went to the local big city today looking for that "special gift" for my #4.
Didn't find it.
Gave up.
Got her something that I'm sure she will love. Mommy is the only one who knows what she's "missing".
And let me tell you, I feel SO MUCH BETTER. Now that I've just made the decision and finished the job. I'm weird that way.

Now I just need to finish a quilt, clean the bathrooms, do the baking for my family get-together Friday night and rearrange the living room to accomodate 20+ people.

OH and blogging...gotta fit in my blogging!

Priorities, dontcha know. :D

A word for a fellow Mommy

Ran across this Mommy today at Half Pint House.
She's got some good stuff going on over there. You should go check it out!

Here's where she's selling some great home made candles:
http://www.halfpinthouse.com/?p=480

And here's where she's got an AWESOME Blogger White Elephant Party going on:
http://www.halfpinthouse.com/?p=825

Support Online Mommy Bloggers! :D

From Blog Addiction to Chasing Rabbits

I can't believe how addictive this blog stuff is. Especially for a Mommy-of-four who works full time. I hardly have time to call my Real-Life buddy T. Poor MG has to practically follow me around the house or order me to SIT DOWN so he can get some time with me.
That's why it's so cool that I'm able to "check in" with all my Blog-friends while I'm working. It helps to pass the time. And I feel like I KNOW these people. Even though they could be making things up, I guess.

But I don't know why they would. I don't know why anyone would! Real life is WEIRD enough. I tend to trust too often (I think the word is Naive). But they have gone through some of the same stuff I have!! AND worse!! I connect, ya' know.

The list of "My Favorite Bloggers" gets longer every day. But I check in with each one to see if they've got anything new up. Maybe leave a comment or three. :D
And they probably don't even know me from Adam (to coin one of my father's phrases).

And we ALL can tell how JD loves to WRITE! I was looking at my list....something like 70 posts since July. But it sure does help my stress level.

I got MG to read some the other day. It was SO cool. He was having a rough time understanding why I do this. Doesn't care to have his "laundry" aired in public. I can see his point. I really can!

Explained to him I was reasonably careful. And just asked him to READ what I wrote. Just a little. PLEASE.

It's important to me.

And he DID!! It made me happy. Don't know why. Maybe because no other male of the species has ever given me that much consideration.

Maybe just because it showed how much he loves me;that he would be open enough to at least check it out. That he would take the time to look at something I created.

I LOVE him LOTS!

Other things he does to show me he loves me fill my days.

• He's cooking dinner for me tonite. :D And last night, he had a business meeting...and he brought home PIZZA so I didn't have to cook. What a BABE!!
• He is doing his level best to relate to my four gorgeous blessings. He works from home so he is with them more than I am. And they love him TONS. Even though they do say he's MEAN when he doesn't let them have candy before dinner. LOL
• He has decided that a clean kitchen in a priority of his life. I think I've done the dishes ONCE in the last 3 months. How AWESOME is that, huh???
• He tells me everyday how important I am, how wonderful I am, how beautiful I am. MAN! A girl could get a swelled head. I definitely AIN'T all that!

OK, he's not perfect. I will admit that...but I'll trade socks on the floor for a clean kitchen anyday. Wouldn't you?

In other news, I am beginning to doubt my dentist. Like I have a choice with my insurance. There's only ONE dentist I'm allowed to go to within a 50 mile radius of my house. And she can only fit me in once every 3 weeks.

By the time I get to my next appointment (I have one on Wednesday this week) the repair she did the visit before has broken or failed.

Makes me wonder...is it me? Have I ruined my teeth by not taking my vitamins and calcium faithfully after my Gastric Bypass? Is dental work supposed to be so fragile I can't eat Doritos without destroying my upper right molar (WHICH, by the way, I went through hell-on-earth to have a root canal done on and is now BROKEN!) One Dorito! I have no upper teeth on the LEFT side of my mouth, so I HAD to use the right side.

But shouldn't a filling (Root Canal)work like a REAL tooth?

Or am I living in a fantasy world?

And the lower left molar that she was SUPPOSED to have fixed two visits ago hurts like a &*^% AND has a broken edge along the gumline on the inside. I know this because I keep hitting it with my tongue.

I was wondering on the way to work if I could get away with having ALL my teeth just PULLED. Get implants or something. No more pain. No more dental visits.

Sounds like heaven on earth to me!

Anyone want to spot me about $5000 for implants (DENTAL implants)? While you're at it, add another $3000 for Lasik so I don't have to wear these stupid glasses anymore.

And I could use about $1000 for textbooks...

BUT WAIT..I digress. :D

Is "chasing rabbits" allowed in Blog-world?

And how did I get from "Blog friends addiction" to dental work?

The ramblings of a tired mind...Thanks for reading anyway.