I'm "safe"..

I just watched this video of a piece of poetry.

Ouch!

"Dumb people, Smart phones" is about right.  We sit and text all day or play on games or computers.  Even now, as I type this, I have one kids sleeping, two on tablets and one texting on his phone while playing a game on his XBox One.

Every once in awhile, we text eachother from the next room...although we do holler as well, sometimes, "Hey!  Check out what I just posted!"

I will say that I do try occasionally to get them out somewhere.  But when I ask, half of them say "No thanks, I'll just stay home."  And when we do go out, the majority of the electronics comes along.  After all, we would hate to be bored.  Or have to communicate...

Because communication is scary.  It comes with the chance of being rejected...
the chance of making someone angry...
the chance of feeling like a fool...

And I am just as guilty.  Writing here makes me feel better.  Venting what I need to say, working through my own feelings of rejection and isolation in a safe media environment.  After all, nobody is going to read it anyway.

How do I change things?  The reality is that I can't.  With one child who has severe mental health issues, media (music, internet, text) is the only thing that keeps her safe.  Because she can distract herself and try to block out the voices that tell her to do unspeakable things.  She's also agoraphobic so she won't leave the house except on rare occasions. So if we are home - they all have access to the "net of lies".

I live vicariously through social media.  Many times I have begged for prayers, begged for help and the replies I received were truly heaven-sent.  At this point in my life, I work at an outside job, then come home and work at home cooking, cleaning and being an anchor for four kids who have watched a parade of people we cared about walk away and leave us.  I'm terrified to have a close relationship with anyone...I don't care if they hurt me, but watching my kids be hurt again is what strikes the fear into my heart.

Yet...I'm lonely.  And it is so tough to just sit here and feel the pain and emptiness knowing it is what is best for my kids.
Which is why I'm on the computer.  Which is why I am fighting a battle inside.  Which is why the kids keep asking "mom, why are you sad?"  I just keep telling them that I am tired.

Which is true.  I'm tired of trying.  And I'm tired of people leaving me.
Heavenly Father, help me!  Hold me tight so that I can feel Your presence.

Apparently I haven't learned my lesson

It's amazing to me how God works things for His good.

Just when I start to think I've seen it all, done it all, been hurt by it all...The enemy comes up with something new and painful.  I mean...NEW as in "never even imagined I would ever be in this situation" new and PAINFUL as in "I can't think of many other things in my life that have hurt worse than this".

For instance, when I discovered the man I had a serious relationship with two years ago was an alcoholic, it blew me away.  I have never had to deal with alcoholic.  I've never had to watch another's pain like that and have to decide "is this what I want for the rest of my life?".  And I learned and grew and moved on.

The last two weeks, I am learning about mental illness as my beloved child and I sit in an emergency room for the fifth day (yes, F-I-V-E, 5) waiting for an adolescent acute psych bed to become available.
How do we go from talented 12-year old girl who dresses in oversized male clothing to 13-year old still-talented girl who wears tight clothes and can't live two seconds without her boyfriend?

Unfortunately, along with the Aspergers, bulimia, cutting, boyfriend-addictive behavior and sensory issues have blossomed into hallucinations...yah, creatures, snakes, spiders and foxes so far...so real she can touch them and feel them touching her.  One type of the humanoid creatures (there are two, btw.  I am getting to know them fairly intimately after staying in a small ER room with her and them for five days) has been telling her to kill herself.

We are here because I caught her standing in the middle of a busy street...and she doesn't remember being there.  And we need these humanoid creatures to shut up.  And I need to make sure my babygirl is safe.

So I, myself, resemble insanity...talking to creatures who aren't there.  It can sometimes be humorous, but more often than not is terrifying for her.

She wants out of here.  I want out of here.  Please, Dear God, have mercy on us. I could have gone my entire lifetime without this "life experience".

Surprisingly NOT stressed...

So much pooh has been hitting me lately. I could whine, but it wouldn't do any good. Cuz there are SO many others who have it worse...I'm just saying...
But in the interest of sharing, here are the highlights:

• The Oregon Powers that Rule My Life decided that I was taking too long to get my degree and seriously considered dropping me from the grant program that allows me to barely exist. When I appealed, they gave me another year - provided I scrape, grovel and cater to their every whim. (Yes, that is sarcasm)
• the Federal Powers that Govern My Education decided that They will not pay for my entire education any more - only 1/4 time will be allowed. Which makes it difficult considering that the above-mentioned OPRML require that I attend school FULL time. Hmmm, I wonder who's paying for the other 3/4's of this year's college education so I can get my Associates Degree? Any guesses? In about six months, I will be hosting a fund-raiser for bail money to get me out of the poor-house. Heads up...
• I lost a friend. A very dear friend. No, she didn't die. We came to a difference of opinions that made it impossible for the relationship to continue. It was unhealthy for both of us and for the best in the long run. But I miss her terribly and grieve for the loss. This is HUGE for me because I cherish my friends and am not that difficult to get along with.
• I have been having physical and mental symptoms of the dreaded "M" word that strikes fear into the hearts of any female over the age of 40. Waking up to change my night clothes once or twice a night, exhaustion, a mood lower than a snake's belly and private little vacations in the tropics have pretty much confirmed that. Apparently, despite sticking my head in the sand like an ostrich and pretending I would skate through it like a newborn colt on an icy pond, denial has once again served absolutely no purpose.
• After stepping on the scale and screaming so loud that my family thought I was watching a horror movie in the bathroom, it has become painfully evident that the 200 lbs I lost in the last five years after my gastric bypass has been insidiously re-establishing itself onto my rear end. I knew I should have cleaned out that bedroom closet! It must have been hiding in there just waiting for the chance to re-attach.

I know this post seems rather morose and just simply downright depressing but I don't mean it to be that way. Actually, there is much cause for hope! I do have faith that God will provide. He has taken care of me in the past and I am sure he will continue to do so...but sometimes the fear becomes overwhelming because I cannot see how. I am not good at relinquishing control - yet I must to maintain my sanity.

GOOD things do happen in my life as well! A wonderful man loves me and devotes his life to making me happy. My children are all healthy. I have many good, loyal friends. The midwifery business is picking up and I am moving forward, learning and growing. My car runs. There is a roof over my head. I have food in the fridge.

And I have begun a journey with Lindsey, Amy, Sharon, Danette, and Lisa in Blogworld where we support each other in a "kinda-public" format to become more aware of our relationship with God and how that relates to our weight. Just beginning the second week...but so far, I have been blessed beyond measure! If you'd like to pray for us or just follow along, you can find the His Weigh group over at Redefining Health.

That is, IF I haven't totally depressed you to the point where you have to go get that half-gallon of Death By Chocolate ice cream out of the freezer and eat it all while watching Little House On The Prairie Reruns...

;P

HELPPPPPP!!

I am trying to play a load of .wav files. It's my medical transcription class.
Nothing works! The error message I keep getting says that the "codec used to compress them is not supported".
I've exchanged the disk already and cannot get another one...

HELP! What can I do?

WANTED...
Kind Generous soul to help irresponsible student with textbook purchase. Rewards include everlasting gratitude, repeated thanks and humble adoration.