Some days

Thirty year class reunion is today.

And I'm going.

By myself.

SIGH...

Expecting something from another person is a recipe for disaster.  When will I learn to only depend on myself?  

Some days I wonder why I try to have a relationship.  Specimens of the opposite gender are so difficult to understand sometimes.  Especially when they are my age.  They are so set in their ways.  And they have mastered the art of the "honeymoon"...things go along so well for a couple weeks to a month and then WHAM - reality smacks you upside the head and you must reevaluate the entire situation.  

Can I live with this?

Can my children live with this?

Even if we can live with this, is the drama worth the reward?

And why should I HAVE to settle for this?  Aren't I worth more?

I am an adopted princess - a child of the King of Kings.  I am not perfect, but I am fun, intelligent and serve until I can't take another step.

Unfortunately, some days I am also extremely busy and I have four blessings who rely on me.  Yes, you may not agree with my parenting style, but it's not something I am willing to negotiate on. Some days, I am too exhausted to stay awake.  I try to communicate, but often the words come out wrong.  Some days, I make poor decisions and get myself into difficult predicaments.

So why don't I have patience for others who have "some days", too?  

Why do I long for companionship with another person who, like me, has the heart of a teenager yet is free from addictions? Has peace in their soul and kindness in their heart?

Redundant questions, all, it seems.

Jumping off the bridge is exhilarating - makes you giddy, giggly and that pleasant experience of butterflies in your tummy when you are just beginning the relationship is so wonderful!

But hitting that huge boulder  10 feet under the surface of the river sucks. 

Surprisingly NOT stressed...

So much pooh has been hitting me lately. I could whine, but it wouldn't do any good. Cuz there are SO many others who have it worse...I'm just saying...
But in the interest of sharing, here are the highlights:

• The Oregon Powers that Rule My Life decided that I was taking too long to get my degree and seriously considered dropping me from the grant program that allows me to barely exist. When I appealed, they gave me another year - provided I scrape, grovel and cater to their every whim. (Yes, that is sarcasm)
• the Federal Powers that Govern My Education decided that They will not pay for my entire education any more - only 1/4 time will be allowed. Which makes it difficult considering that the above-mentioned OPRML require that I attend school FULL time. Hmmm, I wonder who's paying for the other 3/4's of this year's college education so I can get my Associates Degree? Any guesses? In about six months, I will be hosting a fund-raiser for bail money to get me out of the poor-house. Heads up...
• I lost a friend. A very dear friend. No, she didn't die. We came to a difference of opinions that made it impossible for the relationship to continue. It was unhealthy for both of us and for the best in the long run. But I miss her terribly and grieve for the loss. This is HUGE for me because I cherish my friends and am not that difficult to get along with.
• I have been having physical and mental symptoms of the dreaded "M" word that strikes fear into the hearts of any female over the age of 40. Waking up to change my night clothes once or twice a night, exhaustion, a mood lower than a snake's belly and private little vacations in the tropics have pretty much confirmed that. Apparently, despite sticking my head in the sand like an ostrich and pretending I would skate through it like a newborn colt on an icy pond, denial has once again served absolutely no purpose.
• After stepping on the scale and screaming so loud that my family thought I was watching a horror movie in the bathroom, it has become painfully evident that the 200 lbs I lost in the last five years after my gastric bypass has been insidiously re-establishing itself onto my rear end. I knew I should have cleaned out that bedroom closet! It must have been hiding in there just waiting for the chance to re-attach.

I know this post seems rather morose and just simply downright depressing but I don't mean it to be that way. Actually, there is much cause for hope! I do have faith that God will provide. He has taken care of me in the past and I am sure he will continue to do so...but sometimes the fear becomes overwhelming because I cannot see how. I am not good at relinquishing control - yet I must to maintain my sanity.

GOOD things do happen in my life as well! A wonderful man loves me and devotes his life to making me happy. My children are all healthy. I have many good, loyal friends. The midwifery business is picking up and I am moving forward, learning and growing. My car runs. There is a roof over my head. I have food in the fridge.

And I have begun a journey with Lindsey, Amy, Sharon, Danette, and Lisa in Blogworld where we support each other in a "kinda-public" format to become more aware of our relationship with God and how that relates to our weight. Just beginning the second week...but so far, I have been blessed beyond measure! If you'd like to pray for us or just follow along, you can find the His Weigh group over at Redefining Health.

That is, IF I haven't totally depressed you to the point where you have to go get that half-gallon of Death By Chocolate ice cream out of the freezer and eat it all while watching Little House On The Prairie Reruns...

;P

When the going gets tough...

I was just thinking about that saying...
"WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH...." and I've thought of several possible endings that might possibly fit.

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH...

...The tough go shopping! That would work...ummmmm, if I had any money. ARGH!

...The tough sit down and cry! Ahhh, I already do too much of that. NEXT!?

...The tough - write. YAH, I'm all about that.

...The tough run away. Lord knows, I want to do that alot. Run down the street screaming and pulling my hair out; run to the coast where I can forget my troubles; run to the phone or a book to escape; run to the computer and flirt with some man I've never even met. I'm a pro at running away...or if not actually RUNNING away, at least sticking my head in the sand and PRETENDING that I'm running away.

...The tough take a walk. What I NEED to do, definitely. Need to start exercising some. Lots of excuses, though, you know. Too hot, Too many kids, Can't get my butt outta bed, etc.

...The tough smile and pretend like everything is ok. Keepin it all inside isn't healthy, but we all do it to some extent, don't we?

Well, that's enough of that. I am an active lady and I really don't like being ill. Having an injury has kept me down since April and now threatens to hamper me for six more months. So I need some cheerleaders. I need to rally myself and FIGHT. Need to stand up, hike up my bootstraps and give 'em hell!

Now if I could just gather the energy and will to get out of bed...I'll get right on that. :D