Which way do I go...which way do I go?

I got something accomplished yesterday. It felt good and I was a little proud of myself.

Just a little.

Anyway, I don't know if I told you or not; I'm registering for college. Associates of Applied Sciences in Emergency Medical Technologies. Two year program if you go full time. Plus some extra classes and workshops to move me into the birth attendant direction.

But, you know, that, like, costs MONEY.

And I, like, don't HAVE any of that.

So I've been applying for every scholarship opportunity out there that looks like it might be even partially feasible.

And Wednesday, I discovered that the community college I'd like to go to has a scholarship foundation. And they were accepting applications for a few available scholarships for spring term.

And the deadline was, ummm, FRIDAY. YIKES!

So I asked myself, is it worth the potential benefits to harass my friends for letters of reference, complete the application, find my high school transcripts, and compose two essays in less than two days?

I decided it was. One of the opportunities was a Child Care Scholarship to help pay for daycare while you attend classes. Another available one was an agreement where you complete at least 25 hours of community service during the term for an $800 award. I already volunteer at the kids' school in the library each week! So I could do that.

And I got it all done. AND drove it to the college office in the BIG, big city 45 minutes away.

Whereupon I discovered that they are having another opening March 5 ~ when I get to do it all over again. Yeah.

But at LEAST I got this one in. I never realized there were so many scholarship opportunities. And I also never realized how they are SO spread out! You have to go FIND them. I have applied for Federal Grants, the State Education fund and College level foundation scholarships. I've also heard of some private ones I'm going to go track down this week. Because I'd like to start spring term.

I often doubt myself, though. Unless a miracle occurs and I can raise enough money that I could support myself and the kids, I will need to continue to work full-time. Which means school halftime (or 10 hours of dedicated school time each week). Women do it every day. I've heard so many people say, "Yah, my mother raised six kids and worked two jobs to support us after my Dad left!"

BUT can I do that and still be an adequate parent? I already ache almost constantly for missing my kids, but I don't know how else to get to the point where my family can be self-sufficient. I'm not getting any younger and, although I know how to do alot of different stuff, like drive a truck, cook, sew, catch a fish, type and talk on the phone, unfortunately none of those skills is going to bring me much above minimum wage.

Within three years, if everything goes according to MY plan, I could be off public assistance.

But what about GOD'S plan? What does HE want me to do? Because I cannot and will not prosper if what I do isn't in line with Him.

I guess we'll see what happens with the financial aid. None of the grant opportunities are guaranteed! God can make it happen if He wants me to go; He can provide. So I'm trying to go slow and wait on Him.

Which is NOT one of my strong points. Waiting. I am more of a "Here's what we're gonna do, let's GET TO IT!" type girl. I'm a search-and-destroy shopper; my apologies to those of you who shop for (Ahem) fun. I'd just rather go in, find what I need and get out.

Like, for instance, there's this weekend workshop I would LOVE to attend the end of March. After three days of intense training, I would come out trained to be a Midwifery Assistant. That would be SUCH a great step forward for my career and help me gain an apprenticeship.

But is NOW the right time? So many things hinge on so many other things. Will my state taxes come back in time? Will there still be room in the class (she's only accepting 10 people!)? Should I drive the 10 - 12 hours or fly? I've only flown ONCE ever in my life!

Would the money be better spent elsewhere? Should I wait till next year? What about leaving my kids for 5 days? OH MY!

I need wisdom! And guidance! And prayers!

Thanks, guys, for letting me vent. I feel much better now.