"Come ye apart"

I am finding myself stressed out.

I catch myself gritting my teeth with my eyebrows merging with my hairline...
FOR NO REASON.

Yah, I'm broke.
Yah, I have five hernias in my belly and have to hold my insides inside when I cough.
Yah, I'm starting a huge class load in a week and haven't gotten my books yet.
Yah, I'm missin' LB like crazy.
Yah, I've gained 40 lbs and am feeling an incredible desperation about that.
Yah, we have four mommy's due in the next three weeks.
Yah, I am feeling an increasing sense of frustration that I may never become the midwife I want to be.

But that's all standard stuff.
So what?! Big Fat Hairy Deal.
That is all stuff that is going on every day...all day.
So why is it getting to me now?
And as I sat in church this morning, I started thinking to myself, WHY in the world aren't I letting God handle all this? Am I that dense that I have to keep learning the lesson over and over ? Why do I always turn to Him last?

So here I'm going to tell you a funny story. And it's not that I think blondes are REALLY dumb...I know many blondes who are smarter than this salt and pepper brunette. But sometimes I definitely fit the cliche of the ding-ding stereotypical blonde.

When I was pregnant with number four, a friend and her husband decided I needed a retreat. Women's retreat. Held at a gorgeous conference center back in the woods. No TV, no Radio, Good food, quiet time, walks in the forest, women friends, prayer and worship.
Friends' Husband agreed to stay with kiddos during the day until my ex could get home from work. He took my kids to the carousel, the park, the spaghetti factory for lunch. In short he spoiled them rotten.
I was gone for four days and three nights.
And was blessed beyond what I could have ever expected or imagined. I can tell you about those blessings later.

The conference center had a little gift shop. I happened to make it in there one of the few times it was open. I was SO enjoying my time alone and was supremely happy not to hear the word "Mommy" one single time in three days. I wanted a souvenir.

Saw a magnet. Nothing spectacular. Rectangle piece of wood...cedar colored. With a verse burned into it. Seven years ago I bought it and I still have it on my fridge today.

Now I've read/listened to the Bible being read since I was born. Everyone interprets different passages different ways according to their education and life experiences. At that time in my life I felt like I had no direction, no purpose and wasn't doing a particularly hot job at managing my life. So when I read this, it had a MUCH APPRECIATED meaning...

"Come ye apart and rest awhile". Mark 6:31

(other translations... "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."(NIV); "Come off by yourselves; let's take a break and get a little rest."(The Message); “Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.”(New King James)

In my twisted little escapist brain, what I saw was ... "Come ye apart" as in lose control; freak out, fall apart, break down. And then "rest awhile".

I wondered how God could have known back in the gospel of Mark that I would feel like my life was falling apart and that He would have Mark write that in the Bible so I would know that it was OK to have a nervous breakdown.

NOW I know that what he meant was "Separate yourselves". But at the time I couldn't understand WHY everyone didn't find the verse on the magnet as entertaining as I did!

But you know what? I still keep that meaning separate unto myself. Whenever I see that verse, I think to myself, "Self, God doesn't WANT you to have it all together. You'd only forget where you put it anyway. He wants you to rest in Him when you feel like you are going to 'come apart'!"

I should listen to myself more often.

OK, Who was reading my mind?

I found this website that I SWEAR was created with me in mind.
Worriers Anonymous! I'm not even halfway joking!
Uplifting quotes, videos, sayings, praise and worship...I was just, like, WOW!

Here's the vid to one of my FAVORITES. It never fails to bring a smile to my face and praise to my heart.

Would I have missed the Dance?

The Dance
Written by Tony Arata
Recorded by Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared 'neath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right.
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye.

And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end; the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Holding you, I held everything. For a moment, wasn't I the queen (king).
But if I'd only known how the queen (king) would fall;
Hey, who's to say? You know, I might have changed it all.

And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end; the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Here on this two year anniversary of our lives imploding to ground zero, I have often sat and thought, "If I had known what he was going to do, would I have spent my life with him?"

The answer is hard to reconcile. I wish he had made better choices. Everything that is in me wishes he hadn't hurt us like that.

But if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have my children. How can I say I regret them? I can't and I don't and I never will.

I try to look on the positive side. It was tough, but it wasn't all bad. I'm serious!
Like the time he got a new wine bottle and put a love letter in it for our anniversary. Thought that up all on his own! Most guys won't do that.

And he was with me when our children were born; crying at the wonder of it, kissing me over and over and telling me "Thank you!", holding my legs as I was pushing our kids into this world, rubbing my back, sitting next to me on our bed when our number 4 was born.

There was the slow dancing in the dining room, flowers for no reason, love notes in the lunch box, holding me when my grandparents died.

People often don't understand ~ he wasn't a monster. He made some crappy decisions and he hurt my children. So now he will be forever labeled as a monster. Is he a man who just made a mistake? Or IS he an evil being who preys upon children? Or both?

I guess that's something only he can answer - or you can believe what you want. I have to say the truth is that I don't know him. If I never realized what he was capable of after living with him for seventeen years, then I never knew him.

How sad is that?

Two years. It's been two years as of June 17. I remember the day like it was yesterday, yet it seems a lifetime ago. I am a different person. We are a different family. We have grown and changed; for the better, I think. There seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel now, a goal to steer for, a plan to follow, instead of just surviving day to day.

But I still have to remember this Anniversary. A wise man once said that only those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. And there is NO WAY on God's green earth I would EVER want to repeat that. I think we've come through it fairly well but ONLY by the grace of God.

MORE SONG LYRICS! Sorry, but I love this one.

"Me And God"

sung by Josh Turner and featuring Ralph Stanley

There ain't nothing that can't be done by me and God. Ain't nobody come in between me and God. One day we'll live together where the angels trod; me and God.

Early in the morning talking it over; me and God. Late at night talking it over; me and God. You could say where like two peas in a pod; me and God.

He's my Father, He's my friend; the beginning and the end. He rules the world with a staff and rod. We're a team; me and God.

I am weak and He is strong; me and God. He forgives me when I'm wrong; me and God. He's the one I lean on when life gets hard; me and God.

He's the one I can trust. Can't even trust myself most of the time! He's always there for me. I am so grateful.

Holy COW! What have I done??

Well, I did it.

I turned in my notice at work.

June 13 will be my last day.

Yes, I love them all here. No, I'm not mad at anyone. Yes, I will miss them. Yes, I LOVE my job. Yes, it hurts to leave.

But you know what? I LOVE MY KIDS MORE.

Right now, everything they do screams "Pay Attention To Me". I won't go into all the gory details. It would freak you out.

Basically what it boils down to is what is best for them. Their counselor said last week "I cannot TELL you to quit your job and try to survive on public assistance or find a day job. But I CAN tell you that the kids are not healing as well as they could if you were a bigger presence in their lives."

I don't know...what does that say to you?

It's scary, not being able to see what the future holds. At this point, I have several options. I don't know how things are going to go.

Only God does!

So here's my Leap, Father! I'm trusting you to catch me!

How did she KNOW??

Had a bad dream this morning while I was having my prayer time. Sounds funny I know, but I worked until 3am so I've been kind of half asleep all day.
Anyway, I just got this flash of someone close to me being diagnosed with Cancer. It wasn't a good thing.
Actually, it scared the stuffin' outta me!

And it's been weighing on my heart all day. You know how that stuff does sometimes.

Plus I've got alot of unanswered questions about my future and the path I am to walk this year.

Then I go visit my friend and here's what I read...

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.- Psalm 1:2-3

How did Heather at Graced By Christ know what I needed? Where did she hide those security cameras? ;D

Just wanted to say THANKS for the word, Heather.

WOW!

It's Sunday....

I've been over to Christian Women Online checking out the Nominees for the "Sweet Scent" awards and ran across this wonderful woman from Canada who mothers 6 little ones. I read one of her posts that I DEARLY want to share with you. Mainly because I have so many of the same struggles myself!

My ex said one time, "HEY, why are you yelling all the time? You're the one who wanted kids!"

Talk about a slap in the face. I did want them...I DO WANT them! I love them with all my heart!

I'm learning that there is a big difference between saying "I love you" and DOING "I love you!"

Wow! Thanks, Ann, for the wake up call.

http://holyexperience.blogspot.com/2006/11/blotted-secrets.html

And if you haven't yet, go to CWO and check out the awards! Vote for your favorite before the 15th.


Have an awesome Sunday!

IOW 12/5 My life preserver

"One response was given by the innkeeper when Mary and Joseph wanted to find a room where the Child could be born. The innkeeper was not hostile; he was not opposed to them, but his inn was crowded; his hands were full; his mind was preoccupied. This is the answer that millions are giving today. Like a Bethlehem innkeeper, they cannot find room for Christ. All the accommodations in their hearts are already taken up by other crowding interests. Their response is not atheism. It is not defiance. It is preoccupation and the feeling of being able to get on reasonably well without Christianity."~ Billy Graham ~

Laurel Wreath is hosting "In Other Words" this week. http://lrlwreath.blogspot.com/ **She has a GREAT sugar cookie recipe on there, too!

As I sat and pondered this quote, it lead me down a little rabbit trail. The message that struck me from it was one that will probably not seem related at first. But it's one that is close to my heart.

I often call myself on the carpet (so to speak) about only running to Christ in times of need. The challenge of living WITH Him day-to-day is my current personal battle. I tend to shuffle my King to the back of my mind unless I find myself running low on gas, low on money or low on self-confidence. I find that I use God as a Life preserver rather than a seat cushion.

Weird analogy, I know...but that's me. What I mean is, that when I'm drowning I holler out "Oh Lord, HELP ME NOW!" rather than thinking of Him often during the day as I would my favorite seat cushion; whenever you sit down, saying "Thank you, God, for being their whether I need you or not."

Like one of my best buddies, for instance. Sometimes I feel like my relationship right now, with her, is running along these same lines. It seems whenever I call her, it's because I want something. I need to borrow her sewing machine, could she pick up my mail, or could her daughter babysit? So I try to make a conscious effort to call her "just because"; let her know I miss her and I value her.

The same should be of my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Sometimes I should go to Him "Just Because" and listen to what He has to say or just bask in His love for a moment instead of saying "I Want, I Want, I Want!" or "Please Help me!"

My prayer is that I will RECOGNIZE His work; Pay attention to what He's doing and never take my relationship with Him for granted.

Who's the biggest sinner?

Inspired by Cris at Sting My Heart - http://www.eph2810.com/?p=402

“The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.” ~ 1 Timothy 1:15-17 (ESV)

Ummm, No, Mr. Paul...I think I have to disagree with you there. I think I am the foremost Sinner. I have done things that would shock your socks off!

But, WOW, do I love that next part! "That in me, as the biggest sinner ever, Jesus can display His perfect patience as an example to unbelievers".
In other words, He can use MY SIN and how He deals with my sin (by patiently loving me anyway) to show others that are seeking just how awful you can be and still be His Child. That His unconditional love and mercy are right there...FREE GIFT...your's just for the taking.

How VERY cool!!

Don't get me wrong...This doesn't give me a "license to sin"! Why would I WANT to hurt someone who loves me like He does? It breaks His heart when I destroy my life with wrong thoughts and actions. But I do it. On a regular basis. I make mistakes cuz I'm only human.
But to know that He can turn it into something good alleviates the guilt a little. I am willing to share how horrible I have been so that others can see it and say "Hey, if God can love HER, He can definitely love me!"

Does that mean I serve as a "bad example"?

You know what? That's OK! To GOD be the glory for rescuing me, for redeeming me, for covering me in the blood of Jesus. When I say "I am SO sorry, Father. PLEASE forgive me!" He is RIGHT there to love me up!

To the Amazing and Awesome King of All be the glory and honor forever and ever and ever!

WeeeeHawww!

My Passion, part 2; week 3

Continuing on with pondering the Shape of My Faith, I checked out "Week 3". It entails outlining your Passion; where your heart lies. I've talked about it a little before I started the Shape of My Faith series when I ran across it on another blogger's page. That is here:
http://douglassmom.blogspot.com/2006/10/passions-priorities-and-gettin-right.html

But as I read the explanation for week 3, it occurred to me that there is more there that I want to explore.
"What is the spiritual issue, theological discussion, work, prayer focus, Scriptural concept that you think more people should be concerned about. What’s the biblical principal that makes you most angry or frustrated when others go against it? What is the concern within the church that grabs you by the heart every time it is mentioned?

Let's start with Scriptural concept and Biblical principals. My biggest frustration in organized religion today (well, and ALL through time, actually!) is the challenge of "Not Seeing the Trees for the Forest."
In other words, ignoring the individual for the good of the church/denomination.
I grew up in a beloved church family; wouldn't trade them for all the silver or gold in the world. But when it came time for communion and the plate was snatched away because "You aren't a member here", it just got my dander up. Or when the ordinances prohibiting alcohol consumption are so strict that members were made to feel GUILTY if they used MOUTHWASH that contained alcohol.
Christ specifically tells us in the letters to the Corinthians that we should not cause others to "stumble". I know of several people (including me) who RAN (not walked) away from God because of the straight-laced, hard-nosed, rigid, you-gotta-be-perfect Idea of How God Works. Praise Him that He drew me back to Himself little by little and showed me how His LOVE and FORGIVENESS works.
Don't get me wrong, here. If you are breaking God's law, you are breaking God's law. But I believe it can be spoken with love NOT judgement. And I believe that taking Jesus Christ as the Savior of your heart is MUCH more important than who can participate in communion, whether or not women can wear pants, if dancing is immoral and whether or not Our Father permits the consumption of alcohol.
Hmmm, can you tell I get my panties in a wad over that? JUST a tad!

By the way, feel free to disagree with me. Alot of people do...and I'll be your friend anyway.

"So what’s your passion? What group do you care about so much it hurts? What cause makes your heart beat faster?"

Another thing I could stand up on a soap box about is abandoned/abused babies and children. NOTHING breaks my heart harder and deeper than hearing of a newborn left in a box at a construction site or left laying on the beach in the freezing cold to die. Our state has a WONDERFUL law that allows "mothers" (and I use the term VERY loosely) to leave their babies at a hospital, fire department or police department without fear of criminal prosecution.
But you know what? NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT. There is no publicity because there is no funding. I even tracked down the state lawmaker who helped get the bill passed offering to help in any way I could; transportation, diapers, formula. But all they wanted was money. And, unfortunately, that is the ONE thing I don't have.
I think they should have fliers printed and distributed at all the local high schools and doctors' offices. I think someone should donate billboard space up and down our state highways to trumpet this news to the community.
But you know what? It ain't gonna happen. And you know why? Because our foster care system is already overloaded and they frankly don't want the added influx of infants this would cause. Not that they want the babies to die....they just want to go on pretending they don't exist.
This passion for babies has led me to be a foster parent for two years...when I had a co-parent (read another means of financial support). It also fuels my desire to become a midwife. Maybe some of those (quote-unquote) mothers would be more willing to ask me for help when I am not as attached to the "establishment". If I could just save one little one from being left out in the elements to die or keep one teeny life from ending in a dumpster...

Please, Heavenly Father, HERE I AM, SEND ME!

And I wanted to finish up on this subject by quoting a paragraph from the "Shape of Faith" website that really hit me right between "the lookers"...
"Sometimes a passion is related to spiritual gifts, sometimes to experience, sometimes to personality, but always it is God given. Sometimes we get too caught up in it and have to hand it back over to the Lord, He will hand it back at the right time, when you are most prepared to act on it. Sometimes He takes it away (if we use it wrong) and gives us something else in return."

Oooooo WoooW!

multiple personalities

OK, it occurred to me after I Posted that last post about my relationship with Christ and where my faith is at that after reading some of my stuff, someone who didn't know me well might wonder what is up with this "dual personality". I mean, one minute I'm talking about tattoos and saying "Freakin'" in my post and the next minute I talk about my Heavenly Father.

Well, the truth of the matter is that one doesn't have to be perfect to be a Child of God and to follow Him. In fact, if I WERE perfect, I wouldn't need Him then, would I?

There's an old Gospel song that says "I'm only a sinner saved by Grace". Yep...that's me! I still do things ALL the time that make my Heavenly Father sad. And I do alot of stuff that ain't exactly straight...but ain't exactly crooked either. Kinda like pushing the limits to see how far I can go. I know God understands where He and I are at. I apologize to Him CONSTANTLY...but that means I talk to Him alot.

He is ALWAYS there for me. Always. When the worst things have happened and I just wanted the earth to swallow me up to take away the hurt...He knew. And He cried right along with me.

God and I have been through alot of crud together. And it may sound irreverant...but He is my "Friend that sticks closer than a brother". He's my bud. I have NO IDEA how I would survive in this life without Him.

So here's where I stand on God. I know Him and I love Him with all my heart.

Do I hurt Him? Yes. Although I try not to because I love Him and you don't want to hurt those you love.
Do I do things that OTHERS feel are wrong? Yes. But that stuff is between God and me. I know that others watch me, especially my kids, and they see how I live. Causing someone else to stumble in their walk with God is something I never want to do. God says there are some stiff consequences for people who hurt His children.
So all I can do is my best. I try...and I try...and I fall.

This blog is written by a human woman. That just about says it all right there.

Song to Share

While reading through my "blogfriends" today, I discovered a post on Midlife Moments that I had to share with you all! Wonderful praise music...gave me Holy-Spirit bumps. I'd never heard it before...but then I haven't been listening to Contemporary Christian music lately. I tend to go through phases and I've been on a Country kick lately. But it sounds like I'm missing something if I missed this. Hope it loads for you!
God bless and have a wonderful weekend.

http://www.midlifemoments.com/soak-it-in-saturday/

Prayer for Canon's Family

We all, as mothers, pray fervently that our children will be safe. We would give our lives for our children. I know when my #2 was so ill at birth, I would get on my knees beside the hotel bed and BEG God to take me instead of her. But the reality is that that is not the way it works. God can do anything, it's true, but we live in a world that isn't fair and isn't kind. And sometimes He allows things to happen so that negative experience can be used for good. We don't know WHAT good...and when we are hurting, sometimes it's hard to see that. We just want the pain to STOP.

Father, A friend is hurting today. A fellow Mommy had to turn her little boy over to Your arms and it hurts. But we trust You...we know that You have sent the Comforter to be with us when life's burdens are too much. I join my voice with others, My Father, today to ask that you would hold that family in the palm of Your hand. Please make Your presence known in an extra special way!In the precious name of Your Son, Jesus;

I'm not gonna say "Amen"...because the prayer will continue. It's not done yet...

Our thoughts are with you, Canon's Mommy, Daddy and Family. Please know that you are not alone!

How is it supposed to be?

http://www.5minutesformom.com/faithlifts/2006/10/20/not-supposed-to/

Hope you all are having a great day so far...even if you are like me and have just gotten up and gotten your coffee. Although I'm at work, I haven't fully awakened yet. I'm on autopilot until about 9 or 10.

I was reading Faith Lifts this morning and clicked on one of the older posts entitled "It's not supposed to be like this!" ooooWOW! Hit me right between the eyes. I think, mainly, because I sometimes have issues with how others view my parenting style.

Last night, I was trying to get the older three ready for a sleepover. I'd been working on it off and on for an hour when, all of a sudden, MG pops up and makes this loud announcement that they'd better all be ready to go!
OK...he was just trying to help. He'd been watching a movie and didn't realize I'd been getting them ready. But what I heard was something like this...

"You suck at parenting and I don't think you can handle getting three kids ready to go in time so I'm taking over."

Needless to say, the ca-ca hit the fan, folks, and the rest of the night went downhill from there. It was supposed to be fun. He was taking me out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. We still ended up going out, but it wasn't the same.

One thing he said really hit me. I told him that whenever he talks to them, he sounds mean...kinda gruff...and that I'd like him to try to be nicer. He says "Sometimes, you're meaner than I am."

OUCH.

He's right. Sometimes I am not nice to my kids. I would never even THINK of talking to another adult the way I talk to them sometimes. But you know what, I am SO much better now than I used to be. When my ex and I were together, I had to keep them quiet and in-line for fear that they might do something to piss him off. So as a result, I rode their butts like nobodies business and yelled alot.
After he was gone, I realized how much more peaceful and relaxed it was. And I liked it. So I tried to keep it that way and kinda swung some the other way, letting the kids do pretty much anything as long as no one got hurt.

You think YOUR house is a mess. During that year, I had a Habitrail house.
You know what I'm talking about...trails through the piles.

I think right now I'm coming back to center and balancing out. Got some stuff under control but still taking things a little easier and trying to enjoy the small "ohWOW" things when I can.

But it seems I still have my moments. And God used MG to pop it up in my face.
Another "turn in my Mommy license" moment narrowly averted. I love those kids more than life. I need to remember that instead of getting exhausted and stressed and treating them like an irritant instead of like the precious jewels they are.

If you've got a second, click on the link at the top and read MaryBeths' post. And maybe some of the other ones, if you have time. Each one has something important to say and you never know when God is going to whisper in your ear...

Passions, Priorities and Gettin' Right...

**Disclaimer...there is NO humor in this post whatsoever. Sorry. Just some upside-my-head reality checks I've gone through this morning. Hope you'll read it, anyway.**

First of all, let me start by saying I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I coughed all night and am so tired I can't BELIEVE I'm at work! SO wish I was home in bed. Please keep me in your prayers. I don't mind being sick really; it's just that I don't like the way I am toward others when I don't feel good. I'm cranky; Poor people.
Should hang a sign around my neck "Beware, cranky ill woman. Do not engage in conversation."

Moving on...found a new friend in Blog-world. Karla at "To Reflect His Glory" is following a study from another site and she asked "What are your passions? Where is your heart? What do you feel strongly about?"

And she actually wanted an answer...

So I've been thinking about it. And I know what the "pat" answers are. But I also want to be honest.
I SHOULD say "Christ"! I wish He was my priority, my passion; I wish I thought of Him before I thought of anything else. But the reality is...He's usually the last resort. That being said...

What are my passions? Hmmmm...OK, here they are in no particular order.

• My Children. I have given up my husband, my home, and my health to keep them safe. I'm NOT saying that to brag...I'm telling you that to let you know how VERY important they are to me. Having to work 40+ hours a week to support them while someone else raises them is the most painful aspect of my life right now and I war with myself constantly about what is best for them. (**Prayers PLEASE**)
• My family. I have three younger sisters, their children, Mom and Dad, three aunts, one uncle and three cousins. Not a HUGE family, but they are so important to me. When crisis occurs, we bond like glue! And I LIVE for the holidays when we can all be together.
• My Guy. He tries SO hard to take care of me. I'm not used to that (no one has ever tried to take care of ME before except my Mom) so it's not an easy job for him. It is so wonderful to have someone in my life that loves the Lord! I'm not used to that either.
• Service. Doing for others without having an attitude or expecting recognition. I strive for that...but, unfortunately, I don't always succeed. My dream falls into this catagory - Midwifery. Serving women and their families as they bring a new little one into this world. I am not of the Militant-Midwife mindset (e.g. all doctors are bad, hospitals are horrible). After all, I had 3 of mine in hospitals! BUT, if someone can have their baby at home and I can be with them through the entire process, helping, holding, encouraging, walking...what ultimate service! WOW! I am SO excited! I am praying that God will guide me through this and give me the proper heart attitude.

That's about it. There are lots of things I like to do...quilting, baking, swinging; and some things I LOVE to do...sing, blog, read. But I've discovered that you can lose everything material and still be happy because you have people in this life and a God who LOVE YOU. That's all that matters.

OOoo Oooo...guess what! I got the enrollment papers for my midwifery course! It is SO scary looking! Huge outline and all these books to read and review. TESTS! Practical skills...Oh my goodness! I'm really going to have to be self motivated to do well on this. WOW. I'm excited and terrified all at once.

Spur of the moment last night, I called the neighbor girl over to see if she would babysit. It worked out so MG and I went out for Chinese food and walked around Wally World for awhile.

During dinner, he was telling me about how he wants to find a fishing/hunting buddy here locally; someone he can take off with several times a week and visit with while they drown worms. He has some friends he hunts with some...but they live far away. It's kinda hard to hook up and just go fishin' of a mornin' when you live an hour apart and you work different hours.

ANYWAY, I found myself getting jealous! HOW dumb! I don't want to be that way...possessive, clingy, petty. I want him to have friends...I have friends. Not that I get to see them much. But I was JEALOUS. Uuuugghh!

Then I started looking at the entire situation and got a reality check. I'm jealous of ALOT of things! I'm jealous he gets to spend more time with my kids than I do. I'm jealous that he gets to work doing what he LOVES to do.

I'm sorry, Lord. Here I am being a rotten kid again. Maybe I've just got PMS...Maybe I'm just tired...Maybe I've got a cold. But that's NO excuse to be so out-of-line with what The Father wants my attitude to be. No excuses. There are SO many things to be grateful for.

"Change my heart, O God. Make it ever true. Change my heart, O God. May I be like You..."