Whazzup?

I'm 47 now.  That's a new thing...

Here's some other things that are new with me and my crew;
I had to suspend midwifery for awhile.  Couldn't financially keep my head above water.  So now I work two jobs - in the office and running parts at a trucking company during the day and answering phones and making hotel reservations for a resort at night.  Yes, I'm tired....but my bills are paid.

#1 is nineteen...almost twenty.  Going to the local community college studying psychology.  Gaming like crazy when he isn't in school and worrying about everything.

#2 is fifteen...sophomore in high school and on the wrestling team.  Yep...I said wrestling.  ADHD rules her life and the most amazing random things come out of her mouth.  But I love watching her grown up.

#3 is fourteen...freshman in an alternative charter school.  Her artistic talent has just blossomed! She had a piece in a show in October.  Yet we battle major depressive disorder and self-harming behaviors on a daily basis.

#4 is eleven...6th grade and an IEP for anxiety disorder and OCD.  She is the comedienne of our family and keeps me laughing in between the bouts of crying.  She is a true science geek and knows things about astronomy that boggle my brain.

Dog 1 is still with us.  Chunky the pain-in-the-hiney dachshund found a new home.  Up to seven cats now, plus assorted fish and a crested gecko.

Then there is the new hubs.  He came with a pitbull mix and an old cranky chihuahua. He is disabled so he picks up some odd jobs and does the cooking for the family.  Mainly because I'm never home.

I now have a fairly reliable vehicle and don't have to stress much over the monthly bills.  But I miss my family and being the mom I want to be.
I'm thinking this is a phase of my life, though...just a temporary season.  Soon things will change and life will become easier and I will be able to sleep longer than five hours at a stretch. Maybe I'll be able to catch babies and help people on the rescue again.  Maybe God will have something new and amazing in store for me.

Until then, my blood type is coffee -
Just sayin'...

So much has happened....

I miss my blog...
Really! I do!
with no Internet at home, writing has become a luxury.

OK, I guess I COULD write them off-line then publish them, huh?
If I had a brain...
which I do, but unfortunately, due to menopause and resulting insomnia, said brain has refused to cooperate with me most days.

OK, every day.
This past week, my life has done a 180 and I'm facing a whole new future.

Had to take a leave of absence from midwifery.
I know, it sucks. But after excitedly awaiting the completion of my practical experience and the promise of a partnership to follow my licensure, I was deemed to have "gaps in my knowledge" and instructed to study more before attempting to sit for the written NARM exam.

I couldn't face another year of existing below poverty level...for my children and for myself.
So I got a job...

Yep! a 8 - 430, Monday thru Friday, honest-to-goodness J-O-B. It's only seasonal, but one never knows...and it will help dig us out of a hole. Dispatching trucks delivering potting soil.
It could be fun, really. It involves two of my favorite things...trucks and talking. Just sayin'....

Also, I got married this week.
legally....tied....the....knot

He's sweet, kids love him, 10 years younger than I (I think that classifies me as a cougar), and he can cook!
He's also disabled and has hepatitis C.

Catch your breath...**PANT PANT**

It's not that bad, really. He will have to undergo a year of interferon treatments soon, but for right now...we just have to be very careful with anything "wet and not ours" as they say in EMT class.

Now, for tribe updates...
#1 has now graduated from high school and will start college Spring term.
...For what profession, you ask? excellent question! He doesn't know, actually. I think God is calling him to the ministry...we shall see if he heeds that call.

#2 has played musical schools but is now back in Chaotic Charter School. Diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD, anxiety, tachycardia and an amazing abiding faith in God, she can be awesome or horrible depending on the hour of day. She will be 15 in June and, folks, the idea of her DRIVING with her attention span is enough to make me completely gray-haired.

#3 is also attending Chaotic Charter School. Declared disabled with Aspergers, anxiety and depression, she has a boyfriend that I cannot stand yet tolerate so I can keep a constant vigil on them. They are amazingly physically demonstrative for their age and I'm thinking of calling the whole thing off. At 13, she should not have to worry about him "cheating on her" or have someone clinging to her for complete emotional stability.
Which is probably why I now sit in a hospital emergency room with her. Waiting for an adolescent psych bed to become available in the nearby big city. Battling the creatures that grab at her and tell her to kill herself. The spiders, snakes and foxes are fairly easy to deal with, but the black creatures are formidable opponents as I challenge them for my daughter's sanity.

#4 goes to the Small Town Public School and is in 5th grade. Diagnosed with Aspergers, anxiety, depression and Sensory Integration Disorder. Looking forward to outdoor school. Which I have volunteered to go to...
Before I got this job, that is.
Before her sister mentally snapped, that is.


Turn in my Mommy License again!!

Wait...I don't have one...

So here I sit... "Lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

I'm trying, God, I'm trying...

Another "turn in my mommy license" moment...

She made a list. Don't know where.
Maybe at the counselor's office.
Maybe sitting in the car.
Maybe at school. I don't know.

Her sister found it in the car today.

#3's list of What Would Make Me Happy!
Of course, there is an entry like "Being able to buy my family a Wii."
And about six other lines.

But the one about halfway down the page caught my eye.

"I want my mom to be happy."

wow.

My Dad-in-love

Last week, he went to the hospital. Double pneumonia.
I'd been working on the shirt. But with class and flu and kids and rescue...I hadn't gotten the snaps on yet.

You've never seen a lady apply snaps so fast.
Please, please, God...don't let him go without the shirt.
I know...it's silly. But it mattered to me very, very much.

Wild and crazy, I drove five hours and took it to the hospital. Got there at midnight. Lied to the nurse and said I was his daughter-in-law. Turns out, I'm his daughter-in-love. Same diff.
But the nurses were cool about it once they found out.
Sat with him for awhile that night and visited him again in the morning.

Thursday he went home.
This is him in the car. LB took the shirt to the hospital for him to wear home.
And he thought I'd like to have a picture of the event.

Would I? That picture is precious to me.
Second only to wishin' I could have been there.

And wishin with every fiber of my being that I was there with them now.

It's just been one of those days...

Woke up this morning and realized I only had one kid out of the four that was even partially fit to attend school.

So she got a day off.

(will surrender my "Mommy License" voluntarily for that one)

Called the EMS director to reschedule the eight-hour ER clinical I was supposed to do tomorrow. Mainly because I didn't know how today was going to turn out.
Number two was up most of the night with a tooth ache. Ended up being able to take her to the dentist today (an hour away, in the Great Big City) and they pulled it. She feels better now. Especially because the "tooth fairy that is really mom" will leave her a dollar.

Number four has been sick since Sunday. Running between 102 and 104 degree temp. Everyone freaks out about this...except me. I know better. No biggy...I get it to go back down with Tylenol. No seizure activity, nothing else out of the ordinary...just a virus runnin' it's course. SIGH. So one of my parental units and several friends think I should have surrendered my Mommy License Sunday afternoon.
But little pooh is better today. So that's good. Cuz I REALLY would have hated to have to take her to the Great Big City dentist's office with me. Ummm, she's extra whiney when she doesn't feel good.
She's whiney ANYWAY NORMALLY, but sickness means EXTRA whiney.
OK, I may not get my Mommy license back for awhile for that comment.

Number one has been battling a bad cold. He's a male of the species, so you know how this is going to go. Every 30 minutes, on the dot..."Mom, I don't feel good!"..."WOW, I really feel crappy."..."Man, my throat hurts". on...and on...and on...
He gets pneumonia on a regular basis. So I'm gonna take him tomorrow for a check now that the cold has moved down into his lungs. Just to be on the safe side. He doesn't want to go. WHY? Because they always make a big deal about his weight.
I know how he feels.

Number three escaped most of this. But now tonight as I put her to bed, she starts coughing. She's the REALLY LOUD kid. Everything she does or says is at top volume. Which is why I was hoping beyond hope that she might STAY healthy. Guess that's not in the plan. SIGH again.

And then Loverboy called to say his Dad was in the hospital. Now, Papa has cancer. Second time around, metastasized cancer. He's six foot and weighs less than 120 at last count. And he has COPD...has home oxygen. And I love him to death.
Anyway, this morning his hand was swelled and they discovered a clot in his brachial vein (upper arm) about 12 inches long. YIKES. Admitted him. Gave him more morphine than he has already been taking. Plugged in the clot-buster drugs that originate from Rat poison. Don't know how long he will be in there.

Six hours away from my home. Or 4 and a half, if I'm driving and the traffic is light.
I know...don't say it.

The problem is, it's driving me nutso. I don't like hospitals. To me they are a necessary evil. Please pardon me if you work in a hospital or are a nurse or a doctor or if you just plain adore hospitals, but every experience I have had with them? Scary. I don't leave people I love alone in the hospital.
You push the button to go potty and sometimes no one comes. And you really REALLY have to go. It's not the nurses fault. They only have ten patients to care for ALL BY THEMSELVES.
You say, HEY, I need some pain meds. I need a drink. I can't get out of this dern bed to get it myself...I NEED YOU TO HELP ME. and the reality is, no one has time.
One time, I watched my mother make a puddle on the floor because I tried to make her wait for the nurse so we could measure her output. How humiliated she was. It broke my heart.
They forgot my aunts' insulin...bout sent her into a coma.
I was in for three days one time and was not bathed, offered a toothbrush or even a washcloth for my face. Not once. The last day they let me walk where ever I wanted...including wings of the hospital that were closed off. What if I went down or had a problem? They never would have known where I was! They didn't give me a softener...YOU know what I mean! and it took me almost a WEEK to do my business. Was almost as bad as having a baby!

So you can understand why I am so frustrated. I CAN'T go. I have sick kids. I have a final on Thursday. I just want to kick a wall and SCREAM.
Which is when I should leave it up to God. He knows how Papa is. He knows how frightened I am that Papa will suffer. So why can't I just give it to my Heavenly Father? I don't know. Human, I guess.
SIGH again.

So many things to worry about, so little time. HALF SMILE

Haven't heard from State Police yet. I will let you know when I am scheduled to interview...so you can Pray, Pray, Pray. Not that I get it, per se...but that God works it out so I am going down the path HE wants for my kids and me.

I feel better now. Thanks for listening.

"Keep Lookin' up..." as my Gram would say

It's Christmas Eve.

I am determined to be cheerful. Even though Loverboy is Three...Hundred...Miles...away.

So here's a couple of Number four funnies that keep me giggling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mom, I know how to play football!"
Well, I'm astonished at this as she is only SIX.
And Female.
VERY Female.
Foo Foo dresses and fancy shoes female.
"Yes, Mom. Here's what you do! You throw the ball and then you RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

Hmmm, that about sums it up.
I'm not a big football fan...can ya' tell?

Oooo, and here's a GOOD one.
"Mom, I've figured out why I talk so much."
"oh really, please share!"
"Well, I discovered I have a bigger talkbone than other people."
"hmm, well, that explains it."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa came today. Twice.
The first time, he looked like my Rescue crew.
The second time, he suspiciously looked like my pastor.

It's amazing how he can change shape like that!! Both times, even though I felt ashamed, I also felt blessed. Now I have four kids pestering me every three minutes to "open just ONE present, Mom, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!"
So I told them, OK, after I finish my dinner.

It's amazing how long I can stretch out five pierogies. And how many times they can ask.
I think I'm taking kind of a sadistic glee in making them wait.

Turn in my Mommy license again.
I'll bring it right into the licensing bureau and hand it over with a smile.

cuz I'm rebellious like that, you know.

Had a bad call this morning. Older lady couldn't breathe. And she WASN"T kidding!
By the time we got her loaded in the ambulance, she had gone into respiratory arrest.
One of the hardest parts of my work is not knowing what happened. How did it turn out?
Did they save her? Will she be here to spend Christmas with her kids and grandkids?

While we were waiting for the ambulance to find us, she looks up from her wheelchair and says "Oh, NO! I haven't put my bra on yet!"
So I lean down as I'm taking her blood pressure and whisper,
"Don't worry, dear, I haven't either!"

It was hard for her to laugh with the oxygen mask on her face and the oxygen saturation of her blood around HALF of what it should be but she did manage a chuckle. And I'm glad the last thing she saw was my smiling face as I tucked her the stretcher blanket around her feet and assured her we were doing our best to hurry and get her into the warm ambulance.

As she slowly turned grey before my eyes and lost consciousness.

Please, God, watch over her and her family.

Not even funny...

After going to the hospital on Friday expecting to stay for about 4 hours and waking up with a HUGE 10-inch vertical hole in my stomach, I have been totally discombobulated.
Let the spell checker try to compute THAT word!

I guess while the doc was trying to poke something through my abdominal wall, he hit a major blood vessel and had to totally open me up, unload all my guts and search to find the source of the flood.
Sorry, I know, it's gross.
SOOOOOO, I spent the whole weekend in the hospital.
And this morning in the emergency room when it started bleeding again.
I'm just having lots of fun.

My kids were having a rough time.
Number 4 sits on the end of my hospital bed..."Mom, my eye hurts!"
Well, why is that?
"It wants to cry."
It's ok, sweetheart, let it cry.
So she laid on me and sobbed for awhile.

MG came to stay with the kids. She says to him, "You know, I need mom to come home soon because I think I'm going crazy! I've had just about enough of you!"
He was laughing to hard to be upset with her.

Now he has become the Janean-police...LAY DOWN, PUT THAT DOWN, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?, STOP THAT!
I've just about had enough of him, too.
But I know it's for my own good.

God blesses even in the middle of adversity. A surgeon was available just when things went south, my church family has brought us dinner every night since Friday, MG has gotten along well with the kids, I'm still alive...Hey, it's all good.


**PS, to the friend who wanted my speech on homebirth, please comment and include your email address so I can get it to you. I may post it here, too, just for posterity.

EssKahpay

Ok, so I've watched "Finding Nemo" about 236 times too many.

I love Dory. She reminds me of that joke about living in an Alzheimer's unit where you make new friends every day.

Sorry, kinda tasteless. But it's funny.

Mainly cuz it's true.

I'm gonna run away. I can't eat and hardly sleep. I've lost 15 lbs. in a month. So I'm gonna go hang with my mommy and Daddy. Take a jacuzzi every day. Go walk on the beach and let the wind blow my hair into a mess.
I'm gonna read my Bible and pray. I'm gonna love on my kids, do some crafts, have a sleepover, watch a movie or two. Eat popcorn even if it sticks in my teeth.

I hurt and I'm sick to my stomach. I just need to get away. So I'll see ya'll in a few days.

Love and prayers,

FINISHED THE DRAGON QUILT! WOO HOO

Green, blue and purple with dragon photos.
Tried to get a close up of a dragon photo...didn't turn out so hot.
This is my "signature square". Whenever I do a quilt I always write something personal on it. Dear #4...I am so very proud of you, you are precious to my heart. I love you more than I can say and I have right from the start.
OK...I ain't so hot at poetry. But it made her cry.

I have this cute book. Somewhere...Can't remember the author or the exact name but extols the benefits of the "Dorky Homemade Quilt".

I finished one today.

So, naturally, that's why I was thinking about it.

And I keep telling myself, the kid won't care! After almost a year of waiting for mom to FINISH it...she just wants it DONE. She is only 8 after all.

I couldn't find "just the right" color to back it with...so ended up using something that is "just barely" in the same color family.

And the last 12x12 patch doesn't match the rest of the quilt pattern.

One of my favorite chapters in the afore-mentioned book is titled "Oh well, no one will notice."

I think she was thinking of me when she wrote that.

Now...on to the next one. I think I'm going to get stuck trying to create a "koala" themed quilt for the five year old.

YIKES.

Funny Photos and an apology

Cat T.V. (aka Microwave)

Brother's door note - "Danger: enter at your own risk. I have eyes and ears in this room so I'll KNOW!"
The girls answer to that..."Enter is you DARE ! If you have any questions, read this (insert arrow here)"
"Don't enter only if you are my mommy, baby sitter, little sister, friend...you may come in." NOTE - the word "brother" is conspicuously ABSENT!
OH and wait...we have to let the cats in, too!

But not brother! Ohhhhh, Nooooo! Came home last night after class to find these notes on the bedroom doors.

I was throwing a major "pity party", too, when I came home after doing prenatal clinic all day, a test on the respiratory system in class that night and at 9pm, facing a pile of homework, find dirty dishes, garbage to pick up and four loads of laundry that apparently no one except MOTHER is allowed to TOUCH.

Then I saw the notes on the doors and smiled. Kinda gave me a reality check on the poopy attitude, ya' know. I have SO many blessings - and here I am going "Poor Me".

For the record, I'm sorry. Sorry, God. Sorry, Kids. Sorry, MG. I hope you all know how much I love you. My human side was showing.

Yesterday

**warning...NO humor whatsoever - boring, melancholy post to follow**

I went to see my mom and Dad yesterday.

Haven't seen them since last June and that is weird for me because we are very close. Then when my Mom fell last week and busted her face, it made me want to get there even more. But things just haven't worked out. She had a doctors' appointment and didn't feel well enough to have the kids.

But yesterday it worked out.

She came out on the porch as we drove up and I found it hard not to stare.
I got out and held it together till the kids had all said hello and stampeded into the house. Then I wrapped my arms around her and bawled.
2 inch hematoma under one eye that has infiltrated down to her neck. The sclera (white) of that same eye is blood red. Basically, the entire left half of her face is purple, green and red. And her left leg is noticeably swollen.
Actually, she looks like someone beat her up.

And it broke my heart.
She made us cookies. I did lunch and dinner, did the dishes, swept the kitchen floor, vacuumed the entry and the spare bathroom, cleaned the jacuzzi tub and helped her study for her Sunday School class.
My dad took MG and the kids to the beach and then took the kids on a short walk...cuz he wanted to catch the Oregon State Football game.

While MG and the kids were gone, Mom and I got to visit. She has quit some of her antiseizure meds that have effected her memory...but it hasn't helped. She still can't remember common names for things. It is hard to watch her struggle over simple words.

And as we sat down with coffee to visit, she said that she asked Dad to take MG away...that it was his "gift" to her, because she just wanted to spend time with me. She expresses to me that she wishes he would just "go away" and that she doesn't want me to be in a relationship with him.

Yet she visits with him later, thick as thieves, and even gives him a gift.

I don't understand.

My sister showed up as we were leaving. The dramatics of her life just defy description. She and her daughter were both upset over different things, crying and stressed out. I was glad I was leaving.
I love her, really I do. I just can't deal sometimes.

I cried for the first ten miles home. I don't know why. It was dark and no one could tell. Kids fell asleep. MG was torqued out of shape about something.

But I still think it was a good trip. Maybe not fun. But good.
When I hurt and need to center myself, being in my hometown always helps. Whenever I run away, that's where I go. So maybe it was just the environment. And maybe I felt good that I could make my mom's day a little easier.

I'll just try to let the other stuff roll off.

Thanks for letting me vent and work out my feelings. I feel better now.