Thursday, May 08, 2008


Got this in the mail today...
"Congratulations, Janean!
Your outstanding academic performance during winter term 2008 has earned you a place on The President's List at Community College."

OooWOW. Now that I've had to drop down to three credit hours.

I am just at this point where I am re-examining my path. Can I get there any faster? Should I just give up and swim with the rest of the salmon?

I think this is because I am so tired that coherent thought escapes me approximately 90% of the time. And I could be wrong about that percentage as well...I can't concentrate long enough to formulate proper calculations. There is something to be said for the Demotivational power of sleep deprivation. We all discover this new and foggy world soon after the birth of our first child.

As much as I want to deliver babies, I am also scared. It is an awesome responsibility. I want to be confident and sure of myself. I want my momma's to be safe and KNOW that I can do a good job for them. How can I do that? And, more importantly, how can I do it more quickly than I am right now?

You know, even though I ask the questions, I am not really expecting anyone to answer me. Once I watched a video of "Men are from M*rs, Women are from V*nus" and that guy made alot of good points. One of which was that women talk to help themselves think things through. So maybe that's what I'm doing here. Just expressing a few misgivings. Wishing things could progress a little faster than they are. Pondering the meaning of life.

I don't want God to whisper. I want Him to Yell and then smack me upside my head. "YO, CHICK! Here! Right here! This is what I want you to do! Get ova here."

Does what I want have anything to do with anything? No. But that doesn't stop me from making my desires known to Him every chance I get. Guess I figure maybe He'll get tired of hearing me whine and work things out. Or at least POINT. I'd settle for that.

Number one got an inhaler yesterday. He's been coughing for a month. At least it's not pneumonia again. We'll see if the inhaler helps.

Number two was a big help tonight...which is rare for her. She's usually the catalyst, the instigator, the irritant that makes everyone scream. She gave Number four a bath! washed her hair and got her dressed. I gave her a big AttaGirl.

Number three now has an IEP. For her math skills. She's supposed to go to the Learning Resource Center for help a half hour a day. I don't think it's happening. I'm trying to be patient and jump through their hoops. But the math homework she brought home last night WAS NOT what she should be doing. I also got her started in counseling. She's been having bad dreams.

Number four is glued to my right leg. I had to leave her with the regular sitter today for an errand and she CRIED. She's six! Her best friend is there. Yet she doesn't want to leave my side. Wow.

Gotta turn in my mommy license again.
I've found myself flipping open the cell phone and scrolling through the numbers to find someone to call. Anyone. Another adult to talk to. Holy Cow, that sounds desperate, doesn't it.
Then what do you say? "HI. I know we haven't talked in a month but I'm so lonely I could scream. Are you busy?"
And I pray...alot.

Sorry this post is so depressing. It's hard to be witty and cheerful when my bed is the only place I wanna be. I wish I had a laptop so I could post from bed. Then I could catch up on all the great bloggers I've been missing out on!
Maybe some day.


Heather said...

Trust Him. He has gotten you here and will get you where HE wants you. If it is any comfort you sound exactly like all the other single mom's I know when things get rough. It is a hard road but you are doing fine. I am so impressed and proud of how far you have come. Trust Him. You are doing great. BTW--feel free to email me if you ever need to talk--I would offer my cell # but hubby is nervous because I already spend too much time on the phone and have gotten over on cell phone credits already. Sigh. But really, email me or if it gets really bad I will give you my # and you can call. gracedbychrist(at)gmail(dot)com

Donetta said...

Big hug! The gift of loneliness is reaching out. I am here d jonas at cox dot net. email me and I'll give you my phone number.
big hug!