Got a wake up call last night.
Someone asked me if I still liked them. Because I used to "enjoy" doing things for them and I don't anymore.
OF COURSE I still care for them! But I'm tired.
I think it's not that I don't enjoy helping. I think it's that I'm tired of being an enabler. Reminds me of that old adage, "give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime."
I don't mind helping some. But I've already got a family to care for and my own life to manage - I don't need another person to "mother". I want them to start doing things for themselves. I get frustrated when I watch them halfheartedly try something then either abandon it or get frustrated because they "can't do it". They say "there has to be a way to do this!" So I show them, line it all out, make a list of suggestions.
And nothing happens.
And I lose respect for them.
Am I being a hard nose? Am I being pious? I have never had much patience for those who don't try to better themselves. That is a hard thing to admit. I've had friends who say "I can't find a job" - and I say "Then you aren't trying or your sites are set too high." I'll take them out and get 20 applications done in a day. And surprise, they get a job! Maybe not the one they wanted, but it's money.
In the past, I have "helped" others until I no longer enjoyed it; till I was angry at myself and angry at them. It made me a Not-Nice person. And I think that's one of the biggest challenges I had with my ex. He became like another child to me.
And I had absolutely no respect for him.
Because he wouldn't be responsible for his own actions. It was always "someone else's fault".
And I don't ever want to be in that position again. I want to empower others. Help them move UP and better themselves.
Yet how do I do that and still show that I care about them at the same time? One can say "I love you" with words, but it seems hard sometimes to say "Please clean up after yourself", "Make your own phone calls", "get motivated!" without sounding mean or "better-than-thou".
Am I making any sense here?
Maybe it's just too early in the morning.
Here's a funny anyway! My auntie sent this to me...JUST WHAT I NEED!
2 comments:
I can relate totally. It's how I feel about my sister. She truly is poor, but I've watched her flush her life down the toilet and I don't feel good about throwing money at her and bailing her out. But I feel crappy for not.
I've also been known to feel that way about people who are missing something spiritually that is right in front of them. I've led them to it, pointed it out, and they still fail to see it. There's nothing else I can do at that point, it has to be their decision.
I guess it is a little arrogant, I know I'm not perfect, but it's hard to be someone's crutch.
Glad to see you posting again!
You right on track, Enjoy your provision and your day!
Manipulation is not ok it is abusive of them toward you.
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