"I am the one holding the keys to the atmosphere in our home."
~ Terry Maxwell ~
Author of: Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit
Christine at http://fruitinseason.blogspot.com/ is our hostess for CWO In Other Words... today.
When I saw this post Friday and began my meditation on what to write, I felt differently than I do today.
Friday, I thought "WOW! In the past, that has certainly been the truth!"
And, OH BOY, have I messed it up. Big time. God, please forgive me!
Five years ago, I was in a bad relationship. My children and I had to walk on eggshells to keep the peace. So I rode them. HARD. "Oh my goodness, Daddy's coming home! QUICK, get that stuff up off the floor so he doesn't yell. Now everyone stay out of his way!"
Needless to say, my children were little balls of stress. And I was the big ball that led them all.
Year and a half ago, that ended. As I staggered and wandered in the aftermath, my children's therapist advised me that they were trying to shelter ME, to care for ME, to make sure I wasn't hurting. What kind of an example is that, I ask you? I should be the responsible one! Yet many times, I lead them astray with my actions.
I have fallen on my face before my Heavenly Father over this more times than you can imagine. And even though you may not agree, I also have admitted to my children the mistakes I have made and asked their forgiveness for not being the Mother/Father/Parent I should have been.
Today, I am saddened.
For now that I am "getting it together", back on my feet mentally, spiritually and somewhat physically, I find that someone else is raising my children.
For I have had to go to work fulltime to attempt to support us all.
Which means of the 60 hours a week that they are not in school and awake, I am only with them 28 of those hours.
28 hours a week. That just doesn't seem right.
They are with a daycare provider 250 hours a month.
So the truth is that other people are raising my children.
They are starting to beg for time with me. I hope to be able to catch some time with them the next few weeks while they are home from school for Holiday break. Made a "date" with my 7 year old next week to spend a couple hours with her Christmas shopping at the dollar store before I go to work.
I know there are mommys all over the world who are working TWO jobs to support their kids. So why am I complaining? Shouldn't I just be happy I HAVE a job?
So why does it break my heart that I have to "SCHEDULE" time with my children.
I'm wondering, actually. I wonder...DO I set the atmosphere of my home?
I don't think so. I think I'm a passing breeze; a visitor. Someone who comes in and kisses them in the middle of the night and hugs them goodbye in the morning.
How does one create an "atmosphere" in a situation like this?
I wonder...
3 comments:
Oh Janean, I feel for you and your situation. I will be praying for you to create the atmosphere you desire in the hours you have with your children. They will appreciate all you are doing and will treasure the time you are able to give them. Thanks for sharing your story and your honesty. Enjoy your holiday time with your kids!
Janean, I read your post with such empathy and sympathy. I know exactly what you are talking about. I have been in a rocky, egg-shelly home life for a little over a year now. We had to leave once and once he had to leave.
We had a few months apart following his departure and during that time began to work on our joint problems as well as our individual ones. Recently, he moved back in and things are going well.
But, I have had to put my children in childcare and they are gone from me so much during the week that I feel like I am barely in their life at all, and it hurts - especially when you feel that your calling is to be home taking care of your children. It's so hard to accept that someone else gets to take care of our kids while we are out taking care of their needs by earning wages.
Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know that your post really touched a part of my soul and I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing this part of yourself with all of bloggy world to read - but more specifically, for me to read.
May God bless you and your children for what you are sacrificing for them.
Janean, I do believe the Lord is bringing you to a point where you are ready for the changes that are to come. He has a tendency to lay things on our heart BEFORE He changes them so that we are prepared for the change when it comes. It may not come about as you would have it but it will come and when it does you should be ready.
I don't know you kids but if I were dealing with this myself I would be honest with them. "I have to work right now to provide for you but lets pray that the Lord change our situation so that I can be home when you are." And then pray about it, together, each of you, every day, before you leave and/or when you get home, so that when He makes the change, they see it as an answer to your prayers. He especially loves to answer the prayers hHe has laid on our hearts. You know, this broguht to mind something I wrote a few years back--part of an attempt at a book when I began to feel God's call to write but before I knew what He wanted me to write. His solutions to our problems are amazing compared to our own.
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