Don't know why I always put my type size on large. Could it be I'm getting old? Naaaaaah!
Been thinking a lot about my future; you know, what I want to do with the rest of this life. Many possibilities have been out of reach because of my weight. Now that I've lost almost 200 lb and am "normal size", it's recently dawned on me that I don't HAVE to simply exist anymore. I can go do something; learn something new.
But can I? I've heard that it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks and I've noticed that the older I get, the more I seem set in my ways. Habits I need to break take more work to accomplish.
And am I smart enough? Most days with working and dealing with home life, my brain is jell-o. Of course it would help if I took care of myself...drank enough water, took my vitamins and iron. But the path I am eyeing is lots of reading and evaluating text. I am so much better at practical "hands on" stuff...and that part (the FUN part) will come later. But first I feel I need the "book larnin'".
Do I have a right to this? Should I just concentrate on my kids and getting them raised, keeping a roof over their head and food in their tummy's right now? Am I being selfish?
Now I must search my heart. Am I ashamed of my chosen profession? Will I be able to do good and serve others with a right spirit and a humble heart? That is my goal...but sometimes I fall woefully short and become resentful when "required" to serve. Like my ex used to say when I got so crabby about having to cook, clean and chase kids..."You're the one who WANTED this!" He didn't mean to be facetious; Well...maybe he did. But I think what he was trying to say is "where's your joy in serving? You need an attitude adjustment." I like to think I've mellowed with age and circumstances; I have made it a priority in my life to no longer take my relationships for granted.
But can I keep that priority and still pursue my goals? What do I say to others when they ask where I am going? Why do I feel I need to apologize for yearning to become a midwife? Maybe because there is such a negative connotation...I don't know. I will be proud of what I do! Really, I will. I'll just have to think up another name for it that doesn't evoke such negative response.
When I divulge what I am studying, it's like I said "I'm selling Amway!" People say "Oh, well, look at the time! I really must be going now..."
I don't want to be pushy with the subject; that's not my way. This is what I do; this is what I'm called to do. I think I can do it well. Maybe I'm just still so unsure of myself. Maybe I'm awed; not afraid, but amazed at the size of the task ahead. Maybe I've longed to do this for so long and I can't BELIEVE it's time to get started.
Birth attendant; midwifery; "with woman"; all words for something as simple as being with a friend as she does one of the most incredible things. I'd be simply a "catcher". Baby Catcher; one of my favorite books. I will almost feel guilty charging to assist! I should pay the parents for the honor of being there.
Here I am talking like I do it already; truth is, as of yet, the only births I have been to are my own. But I've been studying; grabbing up the knowledge whenever I have a spare minute. And I think I'm ready.
I think it's time...The labor begins.