Sunday, April 06, 2014

Why not me...

So the new husband moved out a few weeks ago.  Seems I didn't pay him enough attention.
His words, not mine.  And working two jobs to support us all while parenting two special needs teens and two teens that are...well...not very self-sufficient, didn't leave me much time for him.  I will admit that.

Anyway -
He has a new girlfriend.  Already.
Don't feel badly.  I don't.  He's been trying to find one for about 9 months now via the internet.
Hey, maybe he'll be happy.

What I want to know is why he gets to find someone to hang out with, cuddle, talk to so quickly.  And me?
Any offers I have had since he left have been along the lines of "temporary recreation", if you get my drift.

Uhhhh NOT

My theory has always been that men my age are single for a reason.
I wish I could find one who's "reason" would be compatible with my life so I wouldn't have to sit here alone.
So far, it's been a common theme with all my relationships - I don't give them enough attention.  Well, darnit, what I need is a partner not another child.
Is that too much to ask?         Apparently.  For here I sit, feeling rejected and depressed.

NOT that I want husband back...too many lies for me to ever believe a word that comes out of that person's mouth.  I won't go into the web of deception that has destroyed any trust I might have had in him.

People say "Let Jesus be your husband"....or "some of us were just meant to be single"... or "you're better off without him"...
The plain honest truth is that I don't know how.  I don't know how to be alone.
The reality is that I'm learning...I'm doing it.
I was so scared when he left.  Not of him leaving...but of how I was going to be able to do everything alone.  Work, kids' appointments, dinner, dishes, laundry, cleaning house, maintenance, car repairs.

And I'm doing it.  I go to bed exhausted each night and sometimes things aren't perfectly clean.  But I can sleep at night without having to keep an eye on him or dodge elbows and listen to yelling (he was a super horrible sleeper).  And my kids are calmer because I am and because they don't have to worry about him coming in drunk or high.

But I still wish - someone would love me.  A handsome man would sweep me off my feet, bring me flowers, laugh with me, hold me when I cry, dance with me and hold me up when I feel I can't go on any longer.

Why not me?  I'm not all that bad looking.  I'm kind and generous.  I can cook halfway decently.

Why not me?  What is so wrong with me?  Why do they keep leaving?  After three husbands and four or five serious boyfriends - one starts to I that bad at picking men or is the problem - ME?

Till I get it figured out, I stagger on.  Pray for me that I will endure those moments of overwhelming, depressive loneliness with grace.  And maybe, someday, God would see His way clear to bringing me someone who will be in it for the long haul - not "until he gets bored".

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