cruddy mornin'

Morning.
Won't say "good" cuz it hasn't been so far.
Gotta figure out how to get food for the weekend. Waffles I tried to make for breakfast didn't work out well and I used the last of the sugar to make them.
My Loverboy has decided to go back to work on the other side of the state instead of here with me. When he works, he drives truck for 12 - 18 hours a day 6 days a week. Which means unless I come up with the money for the trip, I don't get to see him. For a long time.
And I have PMS. Which magnifies everything times ten.

I'm trying a new reward system with the kids. Seems all I do is break up fights and tell whiny girls to hush.

So I've been getting this daily devotional in my emails for about the last week from
Purpose Driven Connection. Today's message was about change...freeing yourself from bad habits.

ummm, yah, got a few of THOSE.

"The fear of what we might discover if we honestly faced our character defects keeps us living in the prison of denial. Yet, we often build our identities around our defects. We say, “It’s just like me to be” and “It’s just the way I am.” The unconscious worry is that if I let go of my habit, my hurt, or my hang-up, who will I be? This fear can definitely slow down your growth.

Only as God is allowed to shine the light of his truth on our faults, failures, and hang-ups can we begin to work on them. This is why you cannot grow without a humble, teachable attitude."

Attitude, huh? What about FEAR?
The fear of the unknown...as in "what in the heck will I do with myself if I don't have this habit in my life?"
The fear of what OTHER horrible habit I might pick up if I didn't have this one that "isn't so bad".
The fear of the withdrawals.
The fear that without some kind of stress reliever, I will crack.

Now...assuming I could conquer the fear, how do I grow the attitude? I am more than humble; my self esteem, in fact, is lower than an earthworm's belly. But often I am not so teachable. How do I get there?
I know better than to ASK for it. Because if I have learned nothing, I have learned that God doesn't just GIVE it, he TEACHES it to us through life experiences.
And I don't want to be taught to be teachable. That could only hurt.

I know the verse about How God does not give us a spirit of fear so I know where my fear comes from. But I also know how big it is.