Sunday, December 28, 2008

"Come ye apart"

I am finding myself stressed out.

I catch myself gritting my teeth with my eyebrows merging with my hairline...

Yah, I'm broke.
Yah, I have five hernias in my belly and have to hold my insides inside when I cough.
Yah, I'm starting a huge class load in a week and haven't gotten my books yet.
Yah, I'm missin' LB like crazy.
Yah, I've gained 40 lbs and am feeling an incredible desperation about that.
Yah, we have four mommy's due in the next three weeks.
Yah, I am feeling an increasing sense of frustration that I may never become the midwife I want to be.

But that's all standard stuff.
So what?! Big Fat Hairy Deal.
That is all stuff that is going on every day...all day.
So why is it getting to me now?
And as I sat in church this morning, I started thinking to myself, WHY in the world aren't I letting God handle all this? Am I that dense that I have to keep learning the lesson over and over ? Why do I always turn to Him last?

So here I'm going to tell you a funny story. And it's not that I think blondes are REALLY dumb...I know many blondes who are smarter than this salt and pepper brunette. But sometimes I definitely fit the cliche of the ding-ding stereotypical blonde.

When I was pregnant with number four, a friend and her husband decided I needed a retreat. Women's retreat. Held at a gorgeous conference center back in the woods. No TV, no Radio, Good food, quiet time, walks in the forest, women friends, prayer and worship.
Friends' Husband agreed to stay with kiddos during the day until my ex could get home from work. He took my kids to the carousel, the park, the spaghetti factory for lunch. In short he spoiled them rotten.
I was gone for four days and three nights.
And was blessed beyond what I could have ever expected or imagined. I can tell you about those blessings later.

The conference center had a little gift shop. I happened to make it in there one of the few times it was open. I was SO enjoying my time alone and was supremely happy not to hear the word "Mommy" one single time in three days. I wanted a souvenir.

Saw a magnet. Nothing spectacular. Rectangle piece of wood...cedar colored. With a verse burned into it. Seven years ago I bought it and I still have it on my fridge today.

Now I've read/listened to the Bible being read since I was born. Everyone interprets different passages different ways according to their education and life experiences. At that time in my life I felt like I had no direction, no purpose and wasn't doing a particularly hot job at managing my life. So when I read this, it had a MUCH APPRECIATED meaning...

"Come ye apart and rest awhile". Mark 6:31

(other translations... "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."(NIV); "Come off by yourselves; let's take a break and get a little rest."(The Message); “Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.”(New King James)

In my twisted little escapist brain, what I saw was ... "Come ye apart" as in lose control; freak out, fall apart, break down. And then "rest awhile".

I wondered how God could have known back in the gospel of Mark that I would feel like my life was falling apart and that He would have Mark write that in the Bible so I would know that it was OK to have a nervous breakdown.

NOW I know that what he meant was "Separate yourselves". But at the time I couldn't understand WHY everyone didn't find the verse on the magnet as entertaining as I did!

But you know what? I still keep that meaning separate unto myself. Whenever I see that verse, I think to myself, "Self, God doesn't WANT you to have it all together. You'd only forget where you put it anyway. He wants you to rest in Him when you feel like you are going to 'come apart'!"

I should listen to myself more often.

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