A wonderful girlfriend sent it to me and, being known for my WIDE streak of sarcasm, I found it sensible. And hilarious. So here you go...some wisdom for the ages.
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!
03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Or at least wait until they are on vacation...like I did last week...and then put it back. Do you think they could tell?
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Found this out very early in my career life...also, if you don't know HOW to do it, chances are you won't HAVE to.
05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Uhhhh, YAH!
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. Yeehaw! Great logic!
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you. or if you are unlucky...I used to work in an ER before they closed down the local skydiving school. This one poor soul came down in a cow field, landed in a cow patty and, well, the tattoo on his shin will never look the same.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. THAT's where my first ex husband is! I was wondering...
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment. Can someone lend me a 20?
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. someone should tell my KIDS this...
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. My question is...does it matter, really, which one you are?
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. this is true...especially if you pair it with the next one...
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. And hopefully you don't NEED it Ever Ever again!
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Like the class I had to take Fall term last year "Introduction to public speaking." Told them I don't NEED this one! Do you have a class entitled "How to Shut Up"?
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Sage advice from a voice of experience?