Wednesday, March 05, 2008

What should I do?

I can't remember if I've written about this before, but time is drawing close and I need some input. So if you have any ideas or just want to express your views, I'm open for discussion here.

I'm scheduled for a Tub*l Liga*ion. No more babies.
I have four. I should be happy. So why am I vascillating? Why am I even considering doing this?

No more quarterly shots and the emotional gak that comes with that.
No more having to worry about the impact of another child on my life.
Freedom to not even consider the possibility of a baby.
I can't support four kids, how in the world would I think I could support 5?

I would love to have another baby...I just have no one to have one with.
Having another baby at 41 is rolling the dice for Down's and other birth defects.
My dreams of being a midwife would be put on hold for another five years until this one got big enough. I would be close to 50 by then.
I've never been pregnant when anyone could actually tell I was pregnant. All my pregnancies were done at over 400 lb.s.

Am I being selfish? Am I simply afraid of the loss of something I worked very hard to gain? Am I equating "ability to bear children" with "being a whole woman"?
What am I thinking? The scary part is that I don't know! I should be sure if I'm going to do this thing. It's permanent.
Or should I just be "reasonably sure" and know that it's the right thing to do, even if it breaks my heart?

Any ideas?


Heather said...

I had one and desperately wish I had not. I have had side affects that are definitely related to it and also now long for one more--despite the cost and all the misery I have while pregnant. It costs $6,000 at least to get a reversal.

And if you do find the perfect guy and get remarried you may want to have more (I have a divorced friend who is suddenly engaged and had a reversal because now she wants more with her new husband.)

MotoMom said...

Just checking in. I don't know how you do it - kids, school, work, keep a hold on your sanity. I do know that God put the desire in your heart and has opened the doors for you to pursue your education to become a midwife. I'm sorry things didn't work out with MG. I'll continue praying for all of you.
Re the tubal. I had mine the day after I had my 2nd, I knew for me that two were enough. I did have some side effects for about a year, reading online this is not unusual. I have never regretted the decision and now look forward to being a Grandma once my kids are raised and married. There were times I would have loved to have two more babies, but financially it would not be good for us and I had two healthy children already. Perhaps you could discuss other options with your doc, and IUD for example. It would be a less permanant solution and you can stay on track with your dream of being a midwife. I don't think the urge to have another baby ever really goes away, for me I just need to glance over at my teenager and remember that babies do grow up and that quashes the desire. I am so done with leaky breasts,
potty training, parent-teacher-conferences, school programs, and all the other things that come along with the adorable bundle of joy that grows much too quickly.

Donetta said...

Wow look at you go girl. I have been here visiting a while catching up on your life. It is so normal to have all those feelings. It is part of the passage. I sense your on your own again. I am sorry for any pains but glad to see you thriving and healing. Your so blessed with all that you have accomplished. Keep up all the good efforts. I love the quilt too cute. Your kids are such a sweet wonderful comic reprieve from all those challenges you face.