I can't remember if I've written about this before, but time is drawing close and I need some input. So if you have any ideas or just want to express your views, I'm open for discussion here.
I'm scheduled for a Tub*l Liga*ion. No more babies.
I have four. I should be happy. So why am I vascillating? Why am I even considering doing this?
No more quarterly shots and the emotional gak that comes with that.
No more having to worry about the impact of another child on my life.
Freedom to not even consider the possibility of a baby.
I can't support four kids, how in the world would I think I could support 5?
I would love to have another baby...I just have no one to have one with.
Having another baby at 41 is rolling the dice for Down's and other birth defects.
My dreams of being a midwife would be put on hold for another five years until this one got big enough. I would be close to 50 by then.
I've never been pregnant when anyone could actually tell I was pregnant. All my pregnancies were done at over 400 lb.s.
Am I being selfish? Am I simply afraid of the loss of something I worked very hard to gain? Am I equating "ability to bear children" with "being a whole woman"?
What am I thinking? The scary part is that I don't know! I should be sure if I'm going to do this thing. It's permanent.
Or should I just be "reasonably sure" and know that it's the right thing to do, even if it breaks my heart?