Saturday, October 13, 2007

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself

Michelle is hosting her monthly Write-Away contest. I actually remembered in time to join in this month! Which is amazing, considering I should be in bed with this horrible cold.
This month's theme is "Things That Scare You". I wish I could come up with a light-hearted post like Michelle did. But the truth is that the things that scare me are pretty serious.
1) I don't know if you've met Heather or not yet, but being in her situation would terrify me. I know that Father God allows us to draw on His grace to get through these trials. But to have doctors tell me I only had three to five years left on this earth with my children would scare my socks off.
2) I once had a friend who decided to take his own life. While I was standing next to him in a dark hallway. With a firearm. To his temple. It messed me up psychologically for quite awhile. And as a result, I have a fear of dark hallways. I always feel like someone is following me.
3) Also related to the above incident, I am afraid of not sharing my faith in God. After Lonnie died, I was tormented by the fact that I had never asked him about where his soul was at. I mean, he knew I went to church. But I never invited him to come with us, never shared what Christ meant in my life. Did I do the best I could do in pointing my friend toward the Heavenly Father? I know the answer is "no". But I also know that all I can do about that is forgive myself and learn a lesson from the experience. I'm not perfect. But God uses cracked pots.
4) I am afraid of one of my children having to endure pain. Although it is inevitable in this life, it is one of my greatest fears. When my #2 was having her cardiac Ablation, I was in agony that I could not take this burden for her. She HAD to endure the pain. Even though it happened eight years ago, just thinking of my #1's first trip to the dentist where they pulled five of his teeth without waiting for the anaesthetic to take hold makes me sick to my stomach. I sobbed as I helped hold him and listened to him scream. I wanted to kill that doctor...or at least seriously maim him. But how do you stop something like that? It was over in 10 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity and has seriously scarred him (and me) for the rest of our lives.
As I look back on this list, it seems my fears are for my children and those I care about in this life.
Because I learned that no matter how hard I try, I cannot always protect them.
And I guess that is what I'm afraid of; not being able to protect them and not being able to stop the bad things of this life from affecting them. All I can do is trust them to the Father's Hands. But I'm human...a cracked pot, so the fear element is, unfortunately, still there.
Even in the presence of God.

1 comment:

Scribbit said...

Thanks for entering this, I felt a little bit of what you're talking about when my son had to get stitches on his face after an accident. Holding him down while the doctor did his thing was horrible, though not as horrible as what you had to go through.