Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I was a Baaaaad little girl...

Have you ever wanted to write, but didn't really have anything to say?
So I started tossing some things around in this limited-capacity cranium and decided...I want to do some remembering. ***WARNING..WARNING...WARNING...this is gonna get a little gross. Those with weak constitutions, NOW would be a good time to hit the "Back" button and go elsewhere****
Remembering awful, rotten stuff I used to do as a kid. That makes me CRACK up laughing now AND makes me think twice before I yell at my kids for bringing a half-destroyed garter snake into the house to try to "rescue" it from the cat. Ummmm....Excuse me! If half it's body is gone, you can pretty much GUARANTEE it ain't gonna wake up again. But you can't tell that to sweet little faces staring up at you and saying "HEAL HIM, MOMMY!" So you put it in a glass jar and throw it away in the middle of the night and say in the morning "OH HOLY CRAP...!! HE ESCAPED THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! He must be all better!
ANYway...I digress.
My sister had a microscope. I know, I know, you can see this coming, can't you? We had to look at the guts of EVERYTHING that was small enough that their guts fit onto the slide. We dissected slug (brown and banana slugs, thank you) and all manner of insects. Even checked out some mouse guts once. AND the maggots that were on the dead mouse when we found him.
Another microscope-slash-science experiment involved gathering up as many vitamins as we could and mixing them all together. Made kind of an oily rusty puddle. We had C, D, E, A, 40 varieties of B, iron, zinc and I don't know what else. After we played in it for awhile, we put it in a plastic pill bottle and tried to hide it in with the other medications. DON'T ask me why we didn't throw it away. But we were just like 9 or 10...Anyway, after about two weeks, the mixture ATE THE BOTTOM out of the plastic bottle and RAN down the shelf. Mother was NOT entertained...and I still, to this day, cannot take vitamins. Just think what they could do to your GUTS if they do that to plastic! WOW!
I was a rotten child. As the oldest of 4, it was my responsibility to scare the crap out of my younger siblings. One of my most famous stories involved instilling the "Fear Of Dentistry" into them by telling them that the ghoulish dentist numbs your face by putting a needle through the center of your eye into your brain. Where upon they ran screaming to my Mom and I think I scarred them for life...because they STILL remember that. HeeHeeeHeee
Then there was the time I was outside in the front yard with my sisters and some friends watching stars (Waaaaaay out in the country where we lived) and, well, you know how you can see the airplane lights blinking red & green? Weeellll, SOMEhow (wink, wink), the other children got the idea that aliens were coming down to kidnap them and suck their brains out. Again with the running and screaming! Don't know WHY they always have to react like that! Holy Cow!
OH, and I HAVE to tell you about the "Great Cookie Sneaking Scheme" of 1978! Picture this...two story house, ok? Bottom level is girls bedrooms, laundry and garage. Upper level, living area with kitchen and parent's room. Got it? Well, this plan takes two...mainly because we had a dog. And I'll get to that part; hang on a a sec. And it requires an open window, so it has to be utilized around baking day or anytime in spring or summer. So one girl goes out the garage door and waits under the kitchen window. The other girl (Usually the one who is a better ACTRESS because you have to pretend like you're doing nothing at ALL important) walks nonchalantly up the stairs and passed the parent into the kitchen. Quietly open the cookie jar and start pitching cookies OUT the window, hoping the accomplice below will catch them. HERE'S where the dog comes in...because he is a DEFINITE willing accomplice; wolfing down anything that happens to fall thereby destroying evidence. GOOD PLAN, huh? Worked for many years...never got caught...gained about 50 pounds!
Told my mom about this scheme not long ago...well, the cookie thing and the thing I used to do to get chocolate by cutting open the Chocolate chip bags carefully and taping them closed with clear tape so she couldn't see the cut. Yep, told on myself. Now that I'm 39 and she can't spank me. She was shocked that I was so DEVIOUS. Hmmmmm, she don't know me too well, do she? Or maybe she just chooses to believe the best of her sweet oldest daughter? **insert evil laugh here**

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