Friday, June 12, 2009

EWSS - 6 Does God Love me?

Your going to notice that there is no entry five.
If it matters to you. And I realize that there is an entire possibility that no one in the world will ever read this besides me.

number 5 was about creating a timeline and looking back to see how your past experiences have prepared you for where you are today.
I am VERY aware of that phenomenon. And wasn't quite sure how to do a timeline on here.
But you get the gist of the whole thing.

So here's the questions for day six. I'm actually a couple days ahead of this one, but haven't had the time to sit down here and write for awhile.

What do the words "captured by God's love" mean to you? Do they generate a mental image of servitude or a more romantic picture of being pursued by someone who's in love with you?
I have never experienced "being pursued". I am always the pursu-er. Which does get tiring. And also tends to make one's self esteem lower than a snakes belly on a flood plain. When I want to spend time with a friend, 98% of the time, I have to take the initiative. What would it be like to have someone say, "Janean, please come with me? Let's go shopping. Let's have coffee. I just want to be with you because I love you."
NOT SAYING it's NEVER happened...LB is very good at trying to convince me that he just wants me for ME. But I haven't been entirely persuaded yet, shall we say.
All that to say that I guess I would have to say "captured", to me, means Servitude until Love happens. Serving because I HAVE to, until my feelings and emotions become so involved that I find myself serving because I WANT to.
Hope that makes sense...

Does the idea of being captured by God's love have a positive or negative connotation for you?
It scares me. Just being honest and up front. But change scares me. And insecurity. And not being in control. To be "captured by His love" would mean up everything and only keeping what He allows me to keep.

What do you naturally turn your affections to when you're under stress or duress? How can you rediscover your affection for God? When I am under stress, I want coffee. And sleep. AND my mommy. And Loverboy. And yes, I do turn to God. I'm getting much better at doing that early on, before the poo gets too deep, you know? Just saying, oh Lord, I can't handle this. I don't know what to do. HELP!
My challenge with this chapter was not relating to God in either of the ways mentioned. I don't view Him as a Father figure and I don't view Him Romantically. I have a wonderful earthly father and putting my Lord in a "romantic light" somehow cheapens the relationship that He and I have. It's hard to describe. Maybe some aspects of mentor ship? big brother-y? The friend who knows EVERYTHING about you and would NEVER let you down?

I had a vision once. Yah, I know. I'm weird.
My eyes were closed and I saw Him sitting down and holding out His arms to me. I am small, 3-4 year old child sized and He looks so grown up.
With a little smile, I climb up on His lap. And I lay my head on His chest.
He wraps His arms around me and smooths my hair down, rocking me a little.
Such a vivid mental image, I can feel the heat of his chest against my cheek and hear his heart under my ear.
I twine my arms around His waist and just lay there. For as long as I want.
No one telling me to HURRY UP, it's THEIR turn!
Safe. Sanctuary.
Nothing can hurt me while I am here.

He loves me. He loves ME. Just me. Don't have to do or be or say or feel a certain way to make him love me or to keep his love.
I just be there.

It's awesome. And if that makes me crazy, just make my reservation at Shady Acres now. I'm sure there's a waiting list...

1 comment:

Donetta said...

Hello! I have been thinking of you. Just stopped by to say hi and read your post ha! So there I thought of you. :)
Hay I hope this finds you well. I did not read on for the time is short and I have bread in the oven and a bedtime approaching fast.

I will have to come by again soon. It would be nice to be a follower of your blog then when you post I will see it. I am so forgetful of folks it seams. The demilenation has a way of doing that to me.

I do care about you though.