EWSS - 6 Does God Love me?

Your going to notice that there is no entry five.
If it matters to you. And I realize that there is an entire possibility that no one in the world will ever read this besides me.

number 5 was about creating a timeline and looking back to see how your past experiences have prepared you for where you are today.
I am VERY aware of that phenomenon. And wasn't quite sure how to do a timeline on here.
But you get the gist of the whole thing.

So here's the questions for day six. I'm actually a couple days ahead of this one, but haven't had the time to sit down here and write for awhile.

What do the words "captured by God's love" mean to you? Do they generate a mental image of servitude or a more romantic picture of being pursued by someone who's in love with you?
I have never experienced "being pursued". I am always the pursu-er. Which does get tiring. And also tends to make one's self esteem lower than a snakes belly on a flood plain. When I want to spend time with a friend, 98% of the time, I have to take the initiative. What would it be like to have someone say, "Janean, please come with me? Let's go shopping. Let's have coffee. I just want to be with you because I love you."
NOT SAYING it's NEVER happened...LB is very good at trying to convince me that he just wants me for ME. But I haven't been entirely persuaded yet, shall we say.
All that to say that I guess I would have to say "captured", to me, means Servitude until Love happens. Serving because I HAVE to, until my feelings and emotions become so involved that I find myself serving because I WANT to.
Hope that makes sense...

Does the idea of being captured by God's love have a positive or negative connotation for you?
It scares me. Just being honest and up front. But change scares me. And insecurity. And not being in control. To be "captured by His love" would mean surrender...giving up everything and only keeping what He allows me to keep.

What do you naturally turn your affections to when you're under stress or duress? How can you rediscover your affection for God? When I am under stress, I want coffee. And sleep. AND my mommy. And Loverboy. And yes, I do turn to God. I'm getting much better at doing that early on, before the poo gets too deep, you know? Just saying, oh Lord, I can't handle this. I don't know what to do. HELP!
My challenge with this chapter was not relating to God in either of the ways mentioned. I don't view Him as a Father figure and I don't view Him Romantically. I have a wonderful earthly father and putting my Lord in a "romantic light" somehow cheapens the relationship that He and I have. It's hard to describe. Maybe some aspects of mentor ship? big brother-y? The friend who knows EVERYTHING about you and would NEVER let you down?

I had a vision once. Yah, I know. I'm weird.
My eyes were closed and I saw Him sitting down and holding out His arms to me. I am small, 3-4 year old child sized and He looks so grown up.
With a little smile, I climb up on His lap. And I lay my head on His chest.
He wraps His arms around me and smooths my hair down, rocking me a little.
Such a vivid mental image, I can feel the heat of his chest against my cheek and hear his heart under my ear.
I twine my arms around His waist and just lay there. For as long as I want.
No one telling me to HURRY UP, it's THEIR turn!
Safe. Sanctuary.
Nothing can hurt me while I am here.

He loves me. He loves ME. Just me. Don't have to do or be or say or feel a certain way to make him love me or to keep his love.
I just be there.

It's awesome. And if that makes me crazy, just make my reservation at Shady Acres now. I'm sure there's a waiting list...

EWSS 4 - Focus on your strengths

YIPE! As Julie Clinton says in this chapter...it's SO much easier to look at our short comings than to find things we do WELL. So this one is going to be a little tough.

1. What are your three biggest strengths? Empathy (being a mommy, comforting), Writing and singing.
2. How can you best reveal God's Glory and handiwork through the abilities He's given you? That is what I'm trying to discover! I'm fairly sure I am to tell others how He has delivered the kids and I over and over again in miraculous ways and share the lessons I've learned from this life. I'm fairly sure I am to help others either by midwifery or on the rescue or an ambulance service....somehow care for others who need me. But I'm not 100% sure. And I don't know how to get there from here. And I'm getting tired; losing the vision.
3. What gifts and abilities do you have that you can use to benefit your small group, family, coworkers, church or community organization? OK, tough one. I want to sing. I am deemed unworthy (as in "not fit to set an example in church leadership"). I try to get together a fundraising project...and no one responds. I mowed half my neighbors lawn tonight and went on two rescues today and did homework, got ready for a garage sale, played with my kids some and still need to prepare for teaching a babysitters class in first aid tomorrow morning. I do alot for my community, neighbors, family...so why do I not feel like it's enough? Or that it's the wrong thing?
   

EWSS 3 - Beautiful in His eyes

"The King is enthralled by your beauty." Psalm 45:11
I have always had a hard time believing that I am pretty. Even after losing 200 lbs, I still only see the saggy belly and thighs.
LB says that he is trying VERY hard to change that. One night we were dressing up to go out. I had bought a new white suit for the occasion. White hose and shoes, sweetheart neckline. I don't dress up much so it is an EXTREMELY rare feat to catch me in a dress. I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup when I heard this deep, breath sucking noise behind me like someone had been punched in the gut.
He stood in the middle of the bedroom in midstride with his jaw hanging down. Eyes were bugging out. Maybe even saw some drool...
Closed his eyes, shook his head and looked again like he expected me to be an apparition that disappears. He was speechless.
I was embarrassed out of my mind. He stood there for a full two minutes just repeating "Uhhh, Wow!" Enthralled... With ME! Little old ME! That's why I was so attached to that verse in Psalms. Never had an idea what that meant before till Loverboy acted like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on.

1) What are your spiritual gifts?
Actually, I wrote about Spiritual gifts when I first started this blog. My top three were:

Hospitality: "The special ability that God gives to certain members of the Body of Christ to provide an open house and a warm welcome to those in need of food and lodging."
This gift is a practical gift. Those with this gift have an acute awareness of visitors and have a desire to make all people feel welcome. People with this gift enjoy visitors in their home, and are usually not bothered if someone stops by and their home is not spotless. Those with this gift are a key to helping new people become a part of the group.
Scriptures: Acts 16:14-15; Romans 12:9-13; 16:23; Hebrews 13:1-2; 1 Peter 4:9.

Faith: "The special ability that God gives certain members of the Body of Christ to discern with extraordinary confidence the will and purposes of God for His work."
This gift is a practical gift. Those with this gift often scare other people with their confidence. People with this gift are often very irritated by criticism, as they consider it to be criticism against God and His will. Probably the biggest danger for those with this gift is that they often try to project their gift onto other people.
Scriptures: Acts 11:22-24; 27:21-25; Romans 4:18-21; 1 Corinthians 12:9; Hebrews 11.

Service: "The special ability that God gives to certain members of the Body of Christ to identify the unmet needs involved in a task related to God’s work, and to make use of available resources to meet those needs and help accomplish the desired results."
This gift is a practical gift. Those with the gift of service enjoy doing routine tasks around the church regardless of how they effect others. Those with this gift enjoy menial tasks and do them cheerfully. Service-oriented people would rather take orders than give them.
Scripture: John 12:26; Acts 6:1-7; Romans 12:6-7; Galatians 6:2, 9-10; 2 Timothy 1:16-18; Titus 3:14.

2) How have you used your spiritual gifts to honor God in the past month?

I don't want to talk about it really...we are supposed to bless others in secret. Although I wish someone would bless me with gas money right now so I don't have to worry about making it to school tomorrow and trying to make jelly out of canned blue berries from a foodbank box so I can have something to make sandwiches for their lunches this week. Hmmm, I digress.... How have I used my spiritual gifts...
Responding with Podunk, Oregon Rescue squad has kept me interested this past week. Taught first aid at the kids' school. Gave neighbor a ride into town. Agreed to give someone else a ride later. Shared my food box with neighbors.

3) What little skill do you have that God could use for BIG things?

This one is tough too. skills?
Every now and then I'm a fairly decent mom. I can sing reasonably well. I can sew. Writing, typing (keyboarding). I don't mind standing up in front of a crowd and talking. My challenge comes in knowing when to be QUIET!
I am hoping maybe someday, God might use me to write our story of His grace and Glory in our challenges...or ask me to speak to a group of women. I want to serve in that way. Just know that i am NOT perfect in any way shape or form. I make mistakes all the time....every day.

EWSS 2 - Am I doing what He wants?

Week one, day two...

1. Are you presently doing the task God has called you to do in this moment? Are you doing it to the best of your ability for Him, or do you simply do the minimum to get by? I don't know! If I had to guess, I'd say at this very moment I am to be a student and a mommy. I'm not being a very good mommy...I'm cranky and tired. Got a kid with the flu and a sneaking suspicion that I am next. I'm not being a very good student. Behind on my classes, just barely skating by. WOW...guess that answered the question, huh?
   
2. In what ways and areas of your life is God calling you to be faithful right now? He asks me to trust Him with the future of my family. Where will we be next month? Three months from now? When school starts up in the fall? I WANT TO KNOW...but He tells me to be patient.
   
3. When you begin to believe God has something big planned for your life, what changes will occur in the way you live? I'd like to think that I would become more honorable, respectable, someone worthy of setting an example for others. My reality is that I will say "I can never be that good" and give up. I hope not.
   

Gonna try something here...

Went grocery shopping the other day. Saw a discount table in the back...books. And I'm all about a good book. Especially THIS kind of book.
Don't know if you've ever heard of Choice Books, but here in Oregon, we have many stores that have this vendor available. Inspirational, wholesome reading. I LOVE them.
Anyway, back to my story...
Found this one -
It's designed as a ten-week study with five daily readings each revealing a secret. AND (my favorite part so far) is the Journal prompts.

So here's what I'd like to do, if you will bear with me and Ms. Clinton will not object.

I want to write my journal prompts here. Bare my soul a little...maybe get some feedback...Maybe someone (or two) might join in and post with me. But if not, even just writing it is therapeutic for me.

DAY ONE
life is more than just getting by...

• What did you dream of becoming when you were a little girl? Has that dream come true for you? I just wanted to be a commercial Dory fisherman like my dad. Then I morphed the dream to becoming a marine biologist (they make more money and always have a job, you know). I always wanted to be a mommy and THAT dream has come true at least.
  
• What obstacles are holding you back from experiencing your dreams? I don't know that I have a dream right now. There are several things I want to do and be...but nothing so urgent that I would call it a "Dream" or a "calling".
  
• What decisions do you need to make in the coming days and weeks that you can ask the Holy Spirit to help you fulfill? I just want to know what I'm supposed to do. Do I live here - do I move? Do I stay with my midwife mentor - do I set up my own practice and pursue state licensure? Do I do midwifery or do I head toward EMS? Do I say forget it all and go take care of Loverboy's Dad until he passes on? What would I Do with my kiddos then? I just don't know what is right? So many, many paths...please GOD, just set my feet on the right one. Don't let me cause pain.
  

1 Chron 4:10 "And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!”...