Unlicensed Mommy

Why YES, as a matter of fact! I WOULD like some cheese with my WHINE...

2012-01-25T08:31:00.000-08:00

I have MamaBlogga up on My Yahoo page and this title definitely caught my eye....cuz I just spent the weekend in Puke-aggedon! One of those places you visit but "I sure wouldn't wanna live there".
#3 began the fun Friday night while I was at a birth. Had to get someone to cover for me (read "someone else to give the funds to") and go home. By Saturday night, horror-of-horrors, it's MY turn! Puking is ranked just above dropping a bowling ball on my foot in my list of "Fun Things To Do" so I was naturally thrilled.
It turns out that all Saturday night while I was in agony, #4 was puking in the living room with a kindly houseguest doing the best he could to maintain sanity. Nice...I told him he should get some kind of medal for keeping the World's Neediest Child away from her mom when she felt sick. He said "Hey, you were sick too!" (Understatement of the century, but ...)
Monday, #1 went to school ... and came home sick. Watching a six foot five inch 300lb dude hurl was awe-inspiring. And loud...just sayin'...
#2 ran her course yesterday. Her smart teenage mouth only stopped complaining when it was otherwise occupied. I thought she was bad when she had PMS!
This morning, I do feel human. Which is good, because I have to go search under the couch cushions for change to go buy more toilet paper.
Yah...That too...
I can TOTALLY sympathise with you, Jordan. Glad your fam and ours are DONE with that. WHEW

GOOD MORNING

2011-09-26T06:51:00.000-07:00

So it's six-a-blinkin-thirty in the morning on a monday and what am I doing here?? Asking if anyone wants a dapple dachsund...Cuz my brain is now full of evil torturous things I would like to do to him after he whined ALL night. I'm surprised he didn't lose his voice! I know I would have!!

Up to get my beautiful crew off to a school they abhor. Then I need to do dishes that have stacked up over the weekend...then, Who Knows, I may go back to bed!!

Cuz I'm single and free and I can DO THAT. :D

Unless I get called for a birth...
or the neighbor needs help...
or a kid has a crisis...
or I think of some appt. I forgot...
or I find a NICE family I can pawn off a stupid dachsund on...

JUST SAYIN'...

It's been a busy morning...

2011-07-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

I've been having the "urge" to write again.
I don't know why...
Maybe someone to talk to.
There are people all around me every day - But keeping up appearances is important when one owns one's own business. And there is the fact that roughly half of the people I spend my time with are under 18.
I am SO very lucky in that I have some amazing wonderful friends.
AND I have a cell phone with unlimited texting.
Which allows for a brain dump as long as it is in short spurts.
However, there are some things that one cannot explain in 160 characters or less...
Things that one cannot express with "LOL, brb, ttyl and dk".
Things like a smile...
the smell of warm skin...
the aroma of coffee...
the twinkle in an eye across the table.

So because I write fairly well, maybe I can visit here on a semi-regular basis and bounce some things off you...a few creative juices flowing. And hopefully together I can use those gifts to share a piecce or two of myself...even if I cannot give those same pieces to the man I care about.
God bless - Good to see you. HUGS

It was a very good day...

2011-04-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

Some days are better than others.

We all know that...and today was a good one. Sitting down to a big Easter Table with my family and two dear friends to a meal prepared by all of the adults and some of the kids was a warm experience.

Praying with friends and thanking God for His blessings is an incredible experience when you mean what you say.

Number four says after dinner..."Mom, I have a tummy ache and I know why. My food pocket is full and the food is moving down to my poop zone." OH my...OK, I'm taking anatomy class and, so far at least, there is no organ called "food pocket" and/or "poop zone".

She cracks me up every day!

Had a mama in labor today...but she lives an hour and 15 minutes away. As I am using my friend's car right now (mine was destroyed in an accident last weekend), I couldn't justify going that far or using that much gas when Mentor already had another apprentice there. I had to say no. That is SO hard! I want to get my 25 catches in so I can get my licensure.

Although I don't know why... Insurance reimbursement is a big plus. As is carrying oxygen and drugs legally. So is the respect. The satisfaction of knowing I did what I set out to do.

I like where I'm at right now...But I definitely need to get a handle on the schoolwork. Only one more term to graduate and I HAVE to get a C in both classes. I have to...That's all there is to it. I want to be done.

Off to serve the desserts I made...marbled cheesecake, pumpkin pie, pumpkin roll. And a left over ice cream cake rescued a couple days ago when my freezer gave up the ghost.

Yummmmm...and happy, blessed Easter to all!!

I am SO SO blessed!

2011-01-20T15:52:00.000-08:00

What more can one ask than to do something that makes a difference -

knowing I will be remembered...

knowing I helped make a dream come true...

knowing I gave someone a choice...

knowing that when things got tough, I was there to reach out a hand,

look her in the eyes and say "I know you can do this! I'm here with you. You are doing so well! "

To be able to massage shoulders, press a lower back,

smooth a wrinkled brow with a cool cloth, perform a hip squeeze and realize

I helped her make it through one more contraction - one step closer to a baby in her arms.

Please don't think I am tooting my own horn here...

I am so humbled and so in awe of it all.

Even after 3+ years, each one amazes me.

To be able to bear witness to such an event -

to be able to make it a little easier for the family-

to be able to make Carol's load lighter.

I am truly blessed!

WONDERFUL holiday give away!

2010-12-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

Found a sweet holiday give away at Red Shoes! Gorgeous pair of earrings - Go Check It Out...

Now....

Go on....

You know you want to...

Surprisingly NOT stressed...

2010-09-08T17:04:00.000-07:00

So much pooh has been hitting me lately. I could whine, but it wouldn't do any good. Cuz there are SO many others who have it worse...I'm just saying...
But in the interest of sharing, here are the highlights:

The Oregon Powers that Rule My Life decided that I was taking too long to get my degree and seriously considered dropping me from the grant program that allows me to barely exist. When I appealed, they gave me another year - provided I scrape, grovel and cater to their every whim. (Yes, that is sarcasm)
the Federal Powers that Govern My Education decided that They will not pay for my entire education any more - only 1/4 time will be allowed. Which makes it difficult considering that the above-mentioned OPRML require that I attend school FULL time. Hmmm, I wonder who's paying for the other 3/4's of this year's college education so I can get my Associates Degree? Any guesses? In about six months, I will be hosting a fund-raiser for bail money to get me out of the poor-house. Heads up...
I lost a friend. A very dear friend. No, she didn't die. We came to a difference of opinions that made it impossible for the relationship to continue. It was unhealthy for both of us and for the best in the long run. But I miss her terribly and grieve for the loss. This is HUGE for me because I cherish my friends and am not that difficult to get along with.
I have been having physical and mental symptoms of the dreaded "M" word that strikes fear into the hearts of any female over the age of 40. Waking up to change my night clothes once or twice a night, exhaustion, a mood lower than a snake's belly and private little vacations in the tropics have pretty much confirmed that. Apparently, despite sticking my head in the sand like an ostrich and pretending I would skate through it like a newborn colt on an icy pond, denial has once again served absolutely no purpose.
After stepping on the scale and screaming so loud that my family thought I was watching a horror movie in the bathroom, it has become painfully evident that the 200 lbs I lost in the last five years after my gastric bypass has been insidiously re-establishing itself onto my rear end. I knew I should have cleaned out that bedroom closet! It must have been hiding in there just waiting for the chance to re-attach.

I know this post seems rather morose and just simply downright depressing but I don't mean it to be that way. Actually, there is much cause for hope! I do have faith that God will provide. He has taken care of me in the past and I am sure he will continue to do so...but sometimes the fear becomes overwhelming because I cannot see how. I am not good at relinquishing control - yet I must to maintain my sanity.

GOOD things do happen in my life as well! A wonderful man loves me and devotes his life to making me happy. My children are all healthy. I have many good, loyal friends. The midwifery business is picking up and I am moving forward, learning and growing. My car runs. There is a roof over my head. I have food in the fridge.

And I have begun a journey with Lindsey, Amy, Sharon, Danette, and Lisa in Blogworld where we support each other in a "kinda-public" format to become more aware of our relationship with God and how that relates to our weight. Just beginning the second week...but so far, I have been blessed beyond measure! If you'd like to pray for us or just follow along, you can find the His Weigh group over at Redefining Health.

That is, IF I haven't totally depressed you to the point where you have to go get that half-gallon of Death By Chocolate ice cream out of the freezer and eat it all while watching Little House On The Prairie Reruns...

I am SOOoooo Excited about this!!

2010-08-30T20:23:00.000-07:00

I am jumping up and down with excitement about this opportunity coming up that is hosted by Lindsey at Redefining Health.

His Weigh is to be a community of women who, although they struggle with their weight, also desire to fill the emptiness inside with the love of God rather than with food.

If you would like to participate, there are several ways to do so. And if you would just like to follow and be encouraged, that's cool, too! I'd love to share it with you ~ go look?

P.S. - Thank you, K.L. for tipping me off about this! :D You rock!!

number four funny

2010-08-22T22:43:00.001-07:00

She borrowed the card table.

The old cardboard one with the warped top. Of course, you know I had to clean off all the spider webs. 'phobic child, ya' know.

Covered it with a sheet and made a tent. So she was happy...

Until "littlest Cat" decided it looked inviting and started leaping at the walls...occasionally scratching her till she was inside crying because she was afraid of him. Toooo Sad!

So Mommy handed her the Anti-Cat Device...
(aka fly swatter)
And watched the evil little grin spreading across her face like the Grinch when he thought up his Christmas plan.

Little cat - JUMP...CLAW
Bekah - WHACK

JUMP
CLAW

WHACK...WHACK...WHACKITY WHACK

It's working, you know. But I think she's having entirely to much fun whacking at the cat...

especially when she starts chasing him into other rooms of the house.

I think I've created a monster...AND it has a name!

"AWRIGHT, you!" She hollers. "That'll teach you to mess with the Bekah-nator!"

Don't Faint! I actually WROTE on my BLOG!

2010-08-19T23:05:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling an overwhelming urge to write. Maybe that is one reason why I am wound tighter than a two-dollar watch lately...no creative outlet.
So, lacking fodder that isn't extremely morose, I popped on over to Friday Fill-in
and thought I would give it a go.

1. Laughter often eludes you when you need it the most, yet sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

2. "Hey, Dad...Sorry" are the three words that started off the last email I sent. That's kind of a bad lead off so you have to hear "the rest of the story"...as in, Sorry I didn't get this to you sooner."

3. What I'm most looking forward to today is Sewing. I am GOING to sew. I have been off school on summer break for a week now and I WANT to sew. So I'm just going to bite the bullet and go for it.

4. My number four puts a smile on my face. Everyday. Other things that make me smile are hugs from my kids, watching a mom hold her new baby for the first time, my mentor's big grin, my friend's text-message forwards, my dog and knowing that God loves me.

5. Where in the world did my 18-inch MagLite go? Went to go camping last week and apparently the children have been using it - cuz it AIN'T where it's supposed to be.

6. Leaning over squeezing the hips and lower back of a first-time Mom in labor; I let go to grab some equipment just as a contraction starts. Her husband tries to mimic what I was doing...but apparently didn't quite have my touch. She looks up and pleads "Janean, please come back. I need you!" THAT, ladies and gentleman, was just what I needed!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to Karaoke, dancing and hanging out with my friends, tomorrow my plans include baking and getting ready for a visit from friends I haven't seen in almost 30 years, and Sunday, I want to spend more time with my friends and my children and just...relax!

Mama Chocolate ROCKS!!

2010-07-31T12:16:00.000-07:00

A friend launched her new blog this weekend! She's giving away an Artisan Bread Cookbook to celebrate. Run on over and check out Johanna's page at Mama Chocolate! She is a sweet lady and her blog is beautiful.

Life is plugging along as usual at Casa De Douglass. I'm a little stressed by college coursework, but it should slack off soon. Have a few Mama/Babies due this next month so I'm very excited about that. :D
Kids are all healthy and enjoying their summer. Peace reigneth for the moment.
I'll write more later this week when I don't have several assignments due...till then, peace to you all.

Odd experience for me

2010-05-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

I've never had one of my children so angry at me before.
It's very ...uh....weird to say the least.

She wants to go to "Alch*my School". She's been watching this "kids" show named "Full Me*al Alc*emist". I must confess, I've never watched it. I guess I probably should if she's getting this hung up on it.

And she sees this ad online for a school down in California. The symbol for the school too closely resembles a pen*agr*m for my comfort level.

So this evening she meets me on the porch and wants to talk. She thinks I will be angry. But I'm not. However, I do tell her in no uncertain terms that until she is 18 and responsible for herself, this will not happen.

And I explain why.
To which she replies that she hates God.
I knew she was mad at Him for not taking away her nightmares, but she says there is something else that has made her hate Him. And she won't tell me what.

I am disturbed by this to the depths of my soul. She has spent all evening crying and will not speak to me.
As you can imagine, I am praying with all that is in me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Got an email from my childrens' school. I had previously made it known in no uncertain terms that my children were NOT (and I repeat, NOT) to be included in any S*x education.
Hmmm, yah, I made a stink about it after the crew came home and told me about an all-school assembly they had that day on "se*ual harras**ent".
Call me a prude or an overprotective mother or whatever other unflattering names you can think of but it's my job as their parent to provide that information. My kids and I talk - we have the kind of relationship where they will come to me if they have questions.
No, I am not deluding myself. Seriously.
Anyway, the email I got outlines plans for a middle school health education class and gives me the procedure for "opting out". Which involves a four page "application".

Now, I realize it's been a few years, but last time I checked, I could entirely and completely home school my children without filling out that much paperwork.
I realize there are Federal mandates and the "no child left behind" hoo-haw and grants and charters that have to be satisfied. But she's MY child!
Or am I wrong??

My next question is...if it is an application, what is the options if my app is DENIED?

Great Gobs of Goose Grease!

Guess I really WILL be homeschooling her then, huh?

Life as I know it...

2010-05-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a long rescue. Poor lady had a blood sugar of 18 (yes, that is one-eight, eighteen) when we arrived on scene. Went down to 17 before the paramedics, intermediate and RN on our team could find an IV site. She looked like a pin cushion but we got the D50 in and she popped right around. WHEW! It was my first diabetic call so a real learning experience!!

Had fun myself with blood sugar last night. Went down to 50. Doesn't compare to 18 by any means, but still felt yuk! My poor honey was freaking out. I kept telling him, hey, it happens every once in awhile. I think my pancreas is beginning to short out. Maybe a harbinger of things to come. Only time will tell. Had some protein and OJ and felt better after an hour or so.

Trying to work on my homework, but not making much progress. Have a big class load for me this term. Chemistry 110, Women's Health issues, Human Sexuality, Child Abuse and Neglect and Parenting. Took a class on herbs one saturday, too. That was very interesting! Fifteen credits has been keeping me hopping, but doing well...so far. Knock on wood.

Kids are well, my honey brings peace and happiness to our home and he takes such good care of us all. I could definitely get used to being treated like a princess. :D

What I've been up to lately...

2010-05-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

I wonder sometimes what you all think of me.
Seems like every year or so I have some new dude I'm all twitterpated about.

It's just that I keep hoping...
and trying...
and dreaming of finding my prince charming.Well, about 9 months ago, I got a message on FaceBook. It says "I was seventeen....and SO in love with you!"
Oh...
my....
goodness.

Talk about De' ja vu!!
We were just teenagers. He was a couple of years younger than me.
When I graduated from high school, I moved on to more mature (and more idiotic) pursuits.
I left him behind...

Now, here he was...just as crazy in love with me as ever.
I'd looked for him several times without success.

He thinks I hung the moon - his every waking moment is spent treating me like a queen.
My kids are now allowed to "place their orders" for their lunches for the day. I get coffee in bed. My house is squeaky clean and I am caught up on my college coursework, thanks to Mr. Homework Nazi.
It is so weird to be number one in somebody's book;
to know that someone wakes up thanking God every day that he is with me.
To have someone support me in everything I do and never even raise his voice to my kids. To have someone treat my crew as precious treasures simply because they are a part of me. To have someone in my life who wants to make an honest women of me as fast as he can drag me to the altar rather than me having to talk him into it.
To have someone who can think of nothing more he wants to do with the rest of his life than love me.
I'm almost afraid to breathe for fear it will all be a dream and I will wake up.
I'm afraid that soon the "honeymoon" will be over and he will decide we aren't worth the work or that someone without all the "baggage" will be more attractive.
But the peace and joy in my house because of this one man is a gift I cannot help but be humbled by.

HE is a gift!

Random dozen Meme - from Dusty Frame

2010-03-10T18:07:00.000-08:00

Found this on Dusty Frame's subscription email that I get. She is wonderful, I am blessed to call her my blog-buddy.

1. How old is the oldest pair of shoes in your closet?

First, I don't keep shoes in my closet. Second, I throw my shoes out when they get old. Third, I only own three pairs...so I guess the oldest pair would be some loafer style ones I bought for a job in 2006.

2. Did you buy Girl Scout cookies this year? If so, what variety?

Yep!! Last week, in fact. Got berry chip, mint and one other one, I don't remember what. Kids had them all gone in 48 hrs.

3. Do you know how to ballroom dance? If not, would you like to?

I'm a BIG fan of Fred Astaire and musicals like Hello Dolly, Sound of Music and Fiddler on the Roof. I would enjoy learning how...but I'd RATHER learn country swing or the two step.

4. Were you a responsible child/teenager?

NO WAY! I was a horrible. Ran away. My parents hated every guy I ever dated, so I always had to sneak to see them.

5. How many of this year’s Oscar-nominated movies did you see?

The Oscars? What are those? I don't get to watch movies...

6. If you’re going to have a medical procedure done, such as having blood drawn, is it easier for you to watch someone else having the procedure done or have it done yourself?

Watching someone else for sure! I even start IV's on people...but ME??? oh no, woozy, everything goes black...KERPLUNK!

7. What is your favorite day of the week and why?

My favorite day of the week is Sunday. Even if I don't go to church, I tend to keep the activities low key. Rest, relaxation, friends, family....Sabbath type stuff.

8. Do you miss anyone right now?

Yes. Many people. My Gramma, My Mom, Rachelle, Ann G., Scott, Rita, My sense of security and stability, My kids as babies...

9. Do hospitals make you queasy?

No. Although I try to avoid them whenever possible for obvious reasons...

10. At which store would you like to max-out your credit card. Not that you ever would, you responsible person, you.

Avenue (larger ladies apparel), Ross Dress 4 Less (outfit the kids), or even WALLY World.

11. Are you true to the brand names of products/items?

sometimes. I like Cascade for my dishes and Sun for my laundry. But not too much...

12. Which is more difficult: looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when he/she is telling you how he/she feels?

MUCH more difficult to look into someone's eyes while I'm talking. When I talk, I tend to look out the window or at the wall, but when the other person is talking, I try to look right at them to let them know that I care about what they are saying.

There...now you know!! :D

shots that DON'T HURT!

2010-03-02T13:57:00.000-08:00

Had an interesting day today. Took number four to the dentist.

We go to a pediatric dental school. You know, where all the dentists hope to be able to work on kids when they grow up? In other words...they are all pretty much CERTIFIABLE!
I have heard the tenured professor talking like Donald Duck. I have seen more rubber glove and tongue depressor puppets than I can count. And the NAMES they come up with for ordinary tools to make them sound harmless - wow! Imagination abounds!
Anyway, it was another morning to turn in my mommy license. I was late. AND I forgot I had to take another grownup with me if they were going to be able to do the pre-medication. Ummm, the happy juice that keeps her from hysterics....that stuff.
SOooo, we aren't going to get it.

OH my.

Talked to the resident and, well, we are going to go for it. Give her some "funny air" through the "elephant nose" tube and hopefully we won't have to restrain her with duct tape.

JUST KIDDING!! well...kinda...

So I walked her in and helped her in the chair, kissed her and petted her hair. The eyes got big and puddles started to form. I looked at the resident....she looked at me...I looked within myself at the quivering mass of sobs lying just right under the surface of the skin.
AND we decided Momma should make a quick exit - stage Left.

When she came out an hour later, her face was numb and she was cranky about that. And she couldn't figure out why her jaw was sore. So -

and this tells you how good these people are...

she wants to know how her cheek got numb. So I tell her, "Well, Baby, it was probably that shot they gave you."
And she looks at me like I have lost my ever-lovin' mind! "THEY GAVE ME A... W H A T??????"

Yup! That resident was so good, #4 didn't even know she had been injected. **Giggle**
She says "Hmm, well, I must have just passed out then!"

OH my word. What a princess...

God is good...All the time...

2010-03-01T07:50:00.000-08:00

Good morning! Don't know why I actually have a few spare minutes this morning. I think I will count that as one of my blessings as I write this post for my dear friend Lizzie's Works of God Weekend. I need more practice on counting my blessings...so let's see...

I am very grateful that all my kids are healthy right now. We got some new medicine this week that TOTALLY cleared up my #4's eczema for the first time in 6 years! She is SO happy...which means I am, too. Wednesday night I was putting the ladies to bed and #2 asks "Momma, where is my father from? I forgot".
"You mean, what country or nationality?" "Yah, That."
"I understand he is Scottish."
"What about you, Mom? What are you?"
So #4 pops up from the top bunk and hollers "MAMA'S A REDNECK!!"
Hmmmmm, Didn't know that was a country...
Actually, they discuss rather frequently whether I am a biker mama (tattoos, ya know), a Hippy (alot of baking, wear take-off-Birks, make Kambucha tea) or a redneck (wear jeans and zip-neck sweatshirts and say "Ya'll and Yeehaw" alot).
It's an ongoing debate... Maybe all three. Bikahipaneck. Redbyhip.
OW, that hurts my brain. Too much thinking....

I am SO grateful to have dental coverage! Had a root canal last week and one of the files broke off inside my tooth. She couldn't get it out so just filled around it and left it there. Freaked me out at first, but it really didn't hurt that much once we got past the shots. So now I have a creative excuse for not passing the metal detectors at the airport.

I am grateful for God's little directional arrows on my path. I've been working toward attending an intensive midwifery certification class at the end of the year in Boise, Idaho. I'll need SO much help - caring for my kids, temporarily relocating, finances. So I've been trying to leave the particulars up to Him - So far he has gotten me in touch with two old friends. One has lived in Boise for many years and is willing to help me locate resources there. The other might need a place to stay for awhile and used to be my babysitter!! All I can say is - oh WOW. He definitely seems to be leading me in this direction. And it's a VERY exciting step of faith.

AND I am grateful for my friend Lizzie. Her blog has often uplifted me and often touched my heart. To ride the roller coaster with her on her journey back to a "normal" life with her husband is a true blessing. I am humbled and honored to have her in my life.

Three things...

2010-02-25T19:05:00.001-08:00

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

Hmmm, point taken. Got some good advice from my counselor yesterday. She advised me to just concentrate on three things for the next four days.
A) School work
B) My kids
C) Sleeping

So far, I've done pretty well. I even took her advice to heart during my root canal this morning. Slept through it. THANK YOU GOD for Nitrous Oxide.
I DO think I might have taken it a little far when I slept through part of Algebra class however. Oh...and sleeping for ten minutes in the car while picking up a friend from work.

Gonna have to work on that.

OFF to struggle through my philosophy of Religion homework.... SIGH

Need some positive thoughts right now...

2010-02-24T21:29:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling pretty low, ya'll.
My friend Lawdog would probably say "Lower'n a snakes bellybutton" or something as Texanly coulorful.

I have about 5 Algebra assignments I have to have in by Thursday afternoon.
And another four Psychology assignments due Friday afternoon.
And a class Friday night and Saturday.
And a 16-yr-old's Cosmic Bowling Birthday Bash Saturday night.

I don't know how I'm going to do this or where I will find the energy.
I need prayers.
I need positive thoughts.

I need a wife...
Someone to help care for the kids and the house while I concentrate.

SIGH OK, I'll settle for the prayers. :D

Maybe I'm a little paranoid...

2010-02-17T10:50:00.001-08:00

If someone hurts your heart over and over again...
If someone says "I'm sorry" but makes a pattern of the same behavior...
If someone tries to avoid talking to you in front of his best friend...
If someone says he can't make the trip to see you but partied four out of the last seven nights...
If you watched someone destroying themselves and losing control of themselves so often, Respect was almost nonexistent...

and then said he loved you, would YOU believe him?

Maybe I'm just paranoid...I don't know...

OH....NO....

2010-02-16T17:42:00.000-08:00

Ummm...
Was just making hamburger helper - browned the two pounds of burger and got the grease drained.
Start dumping in water and milk...
Then discovered it was NOT hamburger helper -

it was TUNA helper!

Will burger work in Tuna helper??

Guess we'll see...

Shhhhhhh Don't tell the kids

2009 New Year's quiz...

2009-12-30T20:50:00.002-08:00

My friend at A Dusty Frame posted this quiz on her page...and I wanted to share it as well. God bless your new year!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Learn to start an IV and read a three lead EKG. I held and kissed a dear sweet man who died less than a week later and made a shirt for him to be buried in. I danced the two step and performed a marriage ceremony. And I became the parent of a Fifteen year old boy, an 11 year old girl, a 10 year old girl and a 7 year old girl.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't do resolutions. It just makes me depressed when I fail.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth or get pregnant?

No one close to me as in "related", but as a homebirth midwife's assistant, I have been present for several births. I think I got to go to about a dozen this year. And each one was special, amazing and different.

4. Did anyone close to you get married?

Yes, my bestest Friend T! And I performed the ceremony.

5. Did anyone close to you die?

My sweetheart's father. It was time for him to go. He had been battling cancer and COPD for a long time and he was so tired.

6. Travel?

Went across the state of Oregon several times to visit my honey. But that's about it...

7. Did you move anywhere?

Not this last year. I may get to move soon, though!! Got an application in for a FIVE bedroom house. Yes...I said FIVE.

8. What was the best month?

May was pretty good. And December was nice, too, but don't know that I have a FAVORITE month.

9. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

My sweetheart with me ALWAYS. A reliable vehicle. The financial means to help those who need it more than I.

10. What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 10th when Darlin' and I had a commitment party. June 17th when I realized I had survived for four years since my "personal 9-11". June 12 when my oldest daughter graduated to middle school.

11. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Lizzie says..."Does holding it all together count?" I wholeheartedly agree!

12. What was your biggest failure?
Flunking my EMT Intermediate practical exam...twice.

13. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not physically...

14. What was the best thing you bought?

My very own Doppler, BP cuff and O2 Saturation meter. So I have my very own "midwife's bag"

15. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My son. He is so wise at fifteen that I sometimes just stand in awe. He knows when I need a hug, he realized when he felt depressed and asked for a counselor, and he worked with that counselor to create a plan for the future with a positive outlook. Two weeks ago, his high school class was talking about career choices and MY BOY was the only one who knew what he wanted to work for.

16. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?

A family member who shall remain nameless. I'll have to leave it at that. The media with their false information, a lady named Alice and, sometimes, I must admit I appall and depress MYSELF.

17. Where did most of your money go?
Utility bills and Gasoline.

18. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Not much. There were lots of pleasant things in my life this year. But nothing really Woopee, Woohoo...Ya know?

19. What song will always remind you of 2009?
"If your goin' through hell, keep on moving. Face that fire, walk right through it. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there."

20. Compared to this time last year, are you:
A. happier or sadder?
B. richer or poorer?

A. Sadder. Starting to feel frustrated that my education and my relationship are not progressing as fast as I would like them to.

B. Right at this moment, poorer. I have seven dollars. But overall, I am richer - bills are semi-paid and I have enough to feed the kids.

21. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Hanging out with my kids...and studying.

22. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying, arguing, wandering aimlessly.

23. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve/Day?
Probably going to head up to a friend's house with my Honey and hang out till the ball drops.

24. What was an unexpected surprise?

A significant boost in my college financial aid check last September!

25. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No. Met my man in 2008 - Reconnected with an old high school sweetheart as well. Grew my love for my children and my friends.

26. What was the best concert you’ve been to this year?
A gospel music event at Salt Creek Baptist Church.

27. What was your favorite TV program?
Didn't watch TV...but if I happen to - it's HOUSE!!

28. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year?

Her name starts with an A.

29. What was the best book you read?
Life, Death, and everything in Between by Kelly Grayson

30. What was your greatest musical discovery?

That I should only try to play "Chicken Fried" on the guitar if I really, really, really don't care WHO hears me.

31. What did you want and get?

A passing grade in Elementary Algebra!!

32. What did you want and not get?

To pass my EMT Intermediate practical exam. To have my baby here with me full time. To own my own home, to be a millionaire, to have my hernia repaired and healing for my honey's father.

33. What was your favorite film of this year?

The boy with the Golden Cake. My first supporting role. (ok, I played a video store customer...but it was FUN!)

34. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 43. I don't remember what I did on my birthday...But I know my kids sang to me.

35. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

To have a timeline for my future.

36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Uhhhh, fashion? Surely you jest. My idea of fashion besides my EMT uniform is jeans, t-shirts and fleece. I did wear a dress three times this year for my sweetheart.

37. What kept you sane?
My children, My friends Scott and T, and a faith that God will take care of me no matter what.

38. What political issue stirred you the most?

I avoid politics. They give me a rash.

39. Who did you miss?
My grandma.

40. Random Memories from 2009?

Saying yes when I really should have said no.

My 14 lb cat and 11 lb dog rolling and playing on the carpet.

Learning to keep my mouth shut.

Dancing in my sweetheart's arms.

Finding Scott.

Officiating at my friend's wedding and another friend's Civil Ceremony.

More dental work than I really CARE to remember.

Births I attended.

My kids and I laughing together.

Teaching my daughter to sew.

Swinging at the park.

Encouragement from my amazing friends!!

To quote Lizzie...What about you? Want to play along? Let me know if you do.

AWESOME BOOK GIVEAWAY

2009-12-22T21:15:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted here.
You'll never know how much I miss it. SIGH

So I thought I might start up again with a short little one to get me an extra entry in a drawing for a free book from my friend Lizzie at A Dusty Frame.

Mainly because this book touches on a subject that is a big part of my life.

Autism / Aspergers Syndrome

No, none of my children have this. But I have no fewer than Five friends with children who are afflicted to one degree or another. And I have two nephews who have it. So I'm trying to learn...and I'm DEFINITELY acutely aware of the challenges moms and dads face when trying to help their kids. They have to FIGHT for every service and every therapy. And they have to fight for their families and friends to understand and accept their children.

OK...anyway. The book is called Cowboy and Wills. Go check it out at the author's site and at Lizzie's site; she even has a video clip to give you an idea of the story line. And of COURSE...sign up for the GIVEAWAY!

I hope to post again before Christmas, but in case you miss my posts...
Happy Holidays, my friends!!

Where I'm from...Again

2009-08-23T19:11:00.000-07:00

I did this meme when I first started blogging. Hard to believe that was two-thousand Six! Coming up on my third Blog birthday here.
Anyway, I've thought and thought about WHY I am the way I am. Many people call me eclectic - an anathema - a study in contradictions. I'm asked "Why do you do this or act this way after you were raised just the opposite?"
Because I try to learn my lessons. I try to act grown up and responsible. But sometimes...that little three-year-old girl peeks out and wants to play. She tries to be good, she really does! It's just when someone says "NO-NO" she wants to know "But why?" or she yells "Uh-huh! I can SO!"

So here's where I'm from...

I'm from a teeny small town where everyone knows your name and the reputation that goes along with that name. Where you can't escape that reputation no matter how bad you are...or how good you are. Because that's how your family is...and who your family is. You can stand on a mountain top and scream at the top of your lungs "BUT THAT'S NOT ME!!" and no one will hear you - it just floats away on the wind.

I'm from being alone in a crowd of people and never feeling quite like I fit in anywhere. Half a mile to the school and no one on the bus will let me sit with them...even if they are sitting alone. I'm from wearing a dress always because of the church we went to - with services Wednesday nights and twice on Sunday unless you were running a fever or puking. And you had to prove it. No dances - not even a prom. Not smart enough for the honor society, not coordinated enough for the Jocks, not wasted enough for the Stoner crowd, not popular enough for the Cheerleaders.

I'm from making friends with people who were "different"...outcasts like me. The girl with the big buck teeth, the boy with all the pimples, the goofy one who's hair stuck out like a football helmet, the poor boy named Barry whom everyone called a Fairy. Those were the people I hung out with. Because I didn't and don't judge the book by it's cover.

I'm from believing that anyone handicapped was dangerous and scary and that you had to hide from Witnesses who came to the door. I'm from the land where every boy had something wrong with him - too loud, too quiet, too late, too touchy, too smart-mouth. I'm from being grounded for a month for being 30 seconds late and being grounded for three months for making a throw pillow for a friends' van because he gave me a ride to school. And, of course, he was a HE.

I'm from learning to mend, do laundry, cook, clean, preserve, bake, sew and pray. Because that's what good wives do. No one said that even if you do all that and do it perfectly - your husband still may not love you. I'm from Mom loves me, Dad loves me, Just Plain Gramma and Grampa love me no matter what I say, what I do or what I look like. So why won't everyone else in the world?

I'm from Commercial fishing with my father, Packing fish for the fish buyer, Driving pickups, Deer hunting with Dad, wood heat, a house with a cedar shake roof. I'm from sisterly fights, self-loathing, and being overweight. I'm from reading in the dark because I "went to bed to SLEEP, not READ". I'm from sneaking cigarettes at 15 and sneaking alcohol at 17 because I wanted to see what was so "evil" about them.

I'm from foster sisters and brothers, my parents taking in a family of seven for a year when our house had 3 bedrooms. Because those people needed us...it was the right thing to do. I'm from "yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir". I'm from washing all the walls and ceiling of the kitchen for seeing a rated R movie with my cousin at 14.

I'm from playing at my grandparents' houses and extended family get togethers at least once a month on a Sunday after church at my grandparents...Plywood sheet on sawhorses for a table. Kids crawling under the white tablecloth to steal olives from the cut crystal bowl. Auntie's potato salad, Great Gramma's Refrigerator yeast rolls, Plain Gramma's cooked chocolate pudding with the skin on top and homecanned tuna salad on wheat bread with real butter. I'm from my Gramma's hands permanently stained from weeding her one acre garden - fresh peas, baby carrots, corn on the cob, fighting with the deer for the ripe strawberries and snapdragon puppets.

I'm from sneaking cookies by tossing them out the second story kitchen window to my sister waiting below. I'm from dissecting slugs, rescuing starlings that had been shot, mixing eight different vitamin tablets and watching it eat through plastic, fried SPAM in Top Ramen, eating potatoes and fish because that's all we had. I'm from homemade birthday cakes and popcorn for dinner on Sunday nights cuz we had a big lunch after church. I'm from eating at the table and doing dishes by hand. And hating it.

I'm from old cars, a family dog named Ralph, QUIET during Lawrence Welk and the nightly news. I'm from wishing I could grow up faster, wishing I could slow down time, and wishing I could now go back and enjoy the time I had.

controlled insanity

2009-08-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

Otherwise known as PMS.
Yup. I've got it. Woke up with it this morning.
One of the benefits of being over 40 is knowing what is causing your unreasonableness (if that's a word?)...

Unreasonableness as in... Wanting to kill people for no reason.
or ripping everyone's head off because I stepped on something mushy on the kitchen floor.
or crying because someone used my favorite purple fuzzy super-sized towel as a BATHMAT!
or crying just because I had to wake up this morning, tearing up everytime I think about my LB.

Not to mention bad dreams. Weird odd psycho bad dreams. And I don't watch scary movies. EVER.
But I know when the hormones are hitting because my brain cooks up some doozies, let me tell ya'.

I'm doing a wedding this weekend. It ought to be fun. I usually don't go around telling people that I officiate at weddings. But I don't think my huge host of 3 readers will think I'm odd. They already know I'm crazy (see above.) This one is going to be a big fancy affair. The last one I did was a "Redneck Wedding" - they got married in Camo and baseball hats.

Kids are heading out to the Fair and Rodeo with Gramma and Grampa this weekend. Gonna take them to the zoo on Wednesday thanks to a generous donation from a friend. Our last Hurrah week before school starts.

Well, I have to go...someone is breathing too loud in the other end of the house and I have to go scream at them...

Don't know if I'm Simple or not...but here goes

2009-08-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

SAW THIS AND THOUGHT I WOULD GIVE IT A WHIRL...

Outside my window ~ I see the street, my van, bicycles in the yard. Would love to have a great view of a valley like my sister does...

I am thinking ~ That I wish I had my husband beside me and the kids were in bed. Hoping the next few months will be the last time I will have to be "single".

I am thankful for ~ a roof over my head, enough food to eat, good health for my children, a wonderful man who loves me, friends who are there when I need them and the skills God has given me that I can use to help others.

From the learning rooms ~ Never judge a book by it's cover. You can learn something from every interaction with another human or animal...no matter what your first impression is.

From the kitchen ~ Did brownies and low carb muffins for a friend before it got too hot today. Hamburger helper for dinner. Want to do some cookies for the kids tomorrow morning. Their favorite is chocolate chip peanut butter.

I am wearing ~ tank top and jeans. Wish I looked nice enough to wear dresses...it would be so much cooler.

I am creating ~ a costume for a friend. Thinking of a quilt...kind of in the design stages in my head right now. I want it to be special.

I am going ~ to take the kids to Gramma's this weekend. I am also going to do better next term in school. I really messed up this Summer.

I am reading ~ my latest Readers Digest. My dear beloved Gram got it for me for years as a Christmas gift. Now that she is gone, my auntie gets it for me. Also reading a true crime novel by an author I have never read before. I usually read Ann Rule.

I am hoping ~ that I will soon be able to marry the man I love; that I will raise my kids to know unconditional love, be responsible and avoid prejudice.

I am hearing ~ hum of the fan, click of the keyboard, a tv somewhere in the house, sweet encouraging words from my #3 kiddo and a cricket outside.

Around the house ~ children have friends over, roommate is teasing them, shuffling of kids getting settled for the night. Kambucha mushroom tea got started today and a sewing project in the works.

One of my favorite things ~ I can only pick one?!? My Loverboy is my favorite thing...My Womens devotional bible...my espresso machine...my sewing machine handed down from my mother.

A few plans for the rest of the week ~ kid's school is having a yard sale. Counseling appt.s for the kids. Taking them to gramma's to go see the rodeo.

Here is picture thought I am sharing ~Where I wanna be. My sweetheart fueling his truck. Riding with him in the truck is a blast for me. Reminds me of when I was a kid and got to go to work with my dad...I always felt so safe and important and special.

A Dusty Frame Giveaway #3

2009-08-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

My friend Lizzie at A Dusty Frame has posted another giveaway!
Elegant Rose has alot of wonderful "pamper yourself" kinds of bath products
that would make an hour or two in the bathtub seem like a day at the spa!

My favorite is the Almond Vanilla Brown Sugar scrub.
I have a tough time with rough, cracked feet.
I bet this would be just the ticket to making my skin feel and smell wonderful.

Go leave her a comment and get in on the giveaway.

Blessings to Liz on her Blog Birthday!

2009-08-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

GUESS WHAT?? GUESS WHAT??
My friend Lizzie at A Dusty Frame is having a Bloggy Birthday!!
Her blog is three years old! How cool is that???
She is having giveaways and sharing some super uplifting cards she has received.

Go on over and check it out when you have a minute.
Sign up for the give away items (VERY awesome stuff!) and let her know how much you appreciate her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, My friend!
You bless me!

PSSST Guess what I heard?

2009-08-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

Jordan at MamaBlogga is reviving the GWP (Group Writing Project). Got a sneak peak at the topic...
it's gonna be FUN!!
We are asked not to reveal our posts till monday, but if you want to participate, give her a shout and I'm sure she'll share!

I CAN'T WAIT!

cruddy mornin'

2009-07-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

Morning.
Won't say "good" cuz it hasn't been so far.
Gotta figure out how to get food for the weekend. Waffles I tried to make for breakfast didn't work out well and I used the last of the sugar to make them.
My Loverboy has decided to go back to work on the other side of the state instead of here with me. When he works, he drives truck for 12 - 18 hours a day 6 days a week. Which means unless I come up with the money for the trip, I don't get to see him. For a long time.
And I have PMS. Which magnifies everything times ten.

I'm trying a new reward system with the kids. Seems all I do is break up fights and tell whiny girls to hush.

So I've been getting this daily devotional in my emails for about the last week from
Purpose Driven Connection. Today's message was about change...freeing yourself from bad habits.

ummm, yah, got a few of THOSE.

"The fear of what we might discover if we honestly faced our character defects keeps us living in the prison of denial. Yet, we often build our identities around our defects. We say, “It’s just like me to be” and “It’s just the way I am.” The unconscious worry is that if I let go of my habit, my hurt, or my hang-up, who will I be? This fear can definitely slow down your growth.

Only as God is allowed to shine the light of his truth on our faults, failures, and hang-ups can we begin to work on them. This is why you cannot grow without a humble, teachable attitude."

Attitude, huh? What about FEAR?
The fear of the unknown...as in "what in the heck will I do with myself if I don't have this habit in my life?"
The fear of what OTHER horrible habit I might pick up if I didn't have this one that "isn't so bad".
The fear of the withdrawals.
The fear that without some kind of stress reliever, I will crack.

Now...assuming I could conquer the fear, how do I grow the attitude? I am more than humble; my self esteem, in fact, is lower than an earthworm's belly. But often I am not so teachable. How do I get there?
I know better than to ASK for it. Because if I have learned nothing, I have learned that God doesn't just GIVE it, he TEACHES it to us through life experiences.
And I don't want to be taught to be teachable. That could only hurt.

I know the verse about How God does not give us a spirit of fear so I know where my fear comes from. But I also know how big it is.

MORNING!

2009-07-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

OK, it's a little to early to be that loud. But I actually feel halfway positive this morning.

It's a good thing, I guess.

Feel like i'm getting caught up a little on my homework. Still got bills I can't pay, but HEY, that's my life!

Got woke up early when the Rescue Pager went off just before 6. An energetic LOL was out for her morning walk and fell. Poor dear. She was SOOOoooo embarrassed!
But better to be safe than sorry so we checked her out. Chief and I were the only ones who showed up so we went with it. Two EMT Basics against the world, hoping against hope that things wouldn't go south. Turns out one of our first responders lived right where she fell so we had help on scene. WHEW. She decided she just wanted her friend to drive her to the ER anyway.

Well, kids are stirring. Do have to tell you one funny before I go, though. Last night we were having a sit down dinner together. Was #2's idea ... we don't do it very often. It was nice! ANYWAY, #3 says "WOW, I've got a mosquito bite and it's BIG. Almost feels like a monkey bump." (I don't know if you dealt with those when you were a kid but it's when someone thumps you hard enough with their knuckle to raise a bump on your muscle.)
#4 sits up and looks at her with these HUGE eyes and exclaims "SISTER, WHEN have YOU been feeling a monkey's BUM?!?"
Ok, Ok, it struck me funny. I couldn't talk for about ten minutes, tears streaming down my face. We all had a good giggle over that one!

I'm feeling better!

2009-07-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

Not 100%, but better.
Still struggling to catch up on my homework...don't even know if that is a possibility at this point.
Was cleaning my room and found a check for $40 that I had forgotten about so at least I will have gas money to get through the weekend.
Still have to work on the cell ph bill and the electric bill...but Loverboy keeps telling me to trust God; that God will provide for me.

I know he's right. But I have such little faith. I'm still scared, still lonely, still worried.
Why can't I just leave it with God? I know I'm a rotten child. I do not in any way, shape or form deserve rewards. But my kids... Surely God will provide for them.

That's what I'm asking for anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Number four funny of the day -

She crawls up next to me in bed this morning.
"Mom, were you married to our Father?"
"Yes, Squirrel. For fifteen years. Why?"
"I just wondered. What happened?"
"Well, we got a divorce."
"What's a divorce?"
"When you file a paper with a court and end your marriage."
"WELL, THAT is AGAINST the RULES!"
"oh Really!? what are these "rules"?
"#1. you get to be sixteen and you get a boyfriend.
#2 is you go out for awhile and then you get engaged.
#3 is when you marry them.
#4 is that you always talk nice.
#5 is that when you get mad, you work things out,
and #6 is that you are supposed to stay married forever, usually."

Now. Forever...and usually? I may be a redneck, but don't they call that an oxymoron or something like that?
Other than the age issue, she did have some good points, though. I'm just sayin'...

Got to PLAY in a helicopter!!

2009-07-17T19:31:00.000-07:00

Got to go play on Life Flight for Drill Wednesday night.
At the risk of sounding like an excited five-year-old...

IT WAS VERY COOL!

No, this is NOT an ad for Aquafina bottled water.
Looking up from where they load the patient in...

And I just HAD to include this picture. It CRACKED me up!
Right after I got a chuckle over the "No Smoking" sticker just above the patient compartment on the inside of the chopper, I moved around to the tail section and saw this...

DANGER?!?!
No kidding! Yah THINK?

Trying to pull myself out of a funk...

2009-07-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

Confessions of an old delinquent. Sorry, but I am lonely and I don't have anyone else to talk to.

Have to go to court tomorrow. My third and fourth tickets.
Speeding a couple of months ago.
Seatbelt last month.
Expired tags and broken windshield this month.

What is wrong with me? I can't afford to pay these and still take care of my kids! Yet how can I ask anyone for help with them when these tickets were MY fault? My idiocy. The way I'm going, I'm going to lose my driver's license. Then what will I do? How will I take care of the kids or go to college or anything without a license?

Speaking of college...starting the fourth week of the term. It's almost half over and I've barely started. One class I still don't have books for! My financial aid hasn't come through yet. The load is crushing. I'm at the point where I just want to throw up my hands and give up.

Gonna lose my cell phone next week. The garbage won't get picked up tomorrow. The electricity is due next week. The TV has been disconnected. Car insurance is a pipe dream.

At least housing pays 100% of my rent. So we'll have a roof over our heads.

I TRY so hard to be positive, to believe that God will provide. I don't care about myself. But surely He will take care of my kids. I try to believe. But I'm still scared.

Yes, I've gotten myself into this mess. I'm sure I will survive. But it's not fun. And I never seem to learn. It just happens over and over again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, now that you have endured that morose diatribe...

I was outside for a few minutes and #4 comes out all huffy.
"MOM, #2 is being mean!"
"And what is new about that? every time I'm out of earshot, she starts picking on you guys."

"Well, THIS TIME, she has Just OutDONE herself!!"
Quite a sentence for a seven-year-old

When you can't think of what to say...

2009-07-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me say that my sisters and I ARE normal, despite photographical evidence to the contrary. And NO we are not flipping you off! Ever heard of Fonzie? Arthur Fonzarelli? Happy Days? Well, if you haven't, you won't understand and if you have, all I can say is "AAYyyyyyyy!"

Connected with someone this week I haven't seen in 24 years. I was just two years older than I am in this picture. Teenage love. I've looked for him to the best of my capabilities often over the years. Wondered what happened to him...if he was happy...had he found someone who would love him and take care of him like he deserved?

Good old Fa*eBo*k! One day I get this message and it just feels like I've been punched! All I can say is "WOW! WOW! WOW!"

Not very often I'm speechless, so enjoy it while you can! He and I have so much to catch up on, I'm sure it won't last long....

HELPPPPPP!!

2009-07-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

I am trying to play a load of .wav files. It's my medical transcription class.
Nothing works! The error message I keep getting says that the "codec used to compress them is not supported".
I've exchanged the disk already and cannot get another one...

HELP! What can I do?

Heard of Blog2print?

2009-07-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever tried this? Saw the ad on F*ceBo*k and I wondered how they could fit approximately 700 blog posts into one 20 page Book? Maybe I wouldn't want ALL my posts in there anyway...
Some of them aren't worth remembering.

Unloading the pain in my head

2009-07-11T16:12:00.001-07:00

Standing in the kitchen in my nightgown baking cookies at 11am, it felt like it was gonna be a lazy day. When I hear my fire pager go off, I am dressed in 30 seconds flat and at a dead run out the door.
An Accident. Very serious. Semi truck involved. Crud...

After sprinting into the station and hoppin into the forty pound fire outfit, I'm grateful for five minutes to catch my breath as we scream lights-and-sirens for the intersection out in the country.

Radio call - "Medic enroute"
Dispatch response - "Copy. One confirmed D.O.A."

OH. NO. I want to go home now. Stop this rig and let me off.
but I suck it up and swallow the fear as we roll up. Blocking the highway. Big blue semi truck sits straight in the lane, driver's side fender crushed in. Not alot of damage...maybe...
But no, over there in the field. A small brown wad of metal that used to be a car.
He's cool as I touch his neck...so pale. I want to shake him and wake him up. You're just a teenager...25 at the most! Wake up! Wake up!

As I draw back and we cover him from the view of the backed up traffic, someone sees them.

The turn out pants scrunched down around the steel-toed boots.
The fire helmet.
The navy Fire Dept sweatshirt of a neighboring town.

I turn away quickly and find the truck driver. He's trying to photograph everything with the disposable camera his company gave him for just such a situation. He's been told to "use it up" and he's doing his best. Concentrating on it so he won't see...won't hear...won't feel.

"hey, I'm Janean with the Rescue. Do you hurt anywhere?"
Wrenched his back a little, but he insists he's fine.
I rest my hand on his back to feel for deformity or tenderness as he hangs his head. "are you SURE you are OK?"
The head of the big tough truck driver leans over onto my shoulder as the tears threaten. "I couldn't stop! I couldn't do anything! He was going so fast!" In a voice choked with emotion, he tries to explain.

But it doesn't matter what happened. A firefighter is gone. Someone's parents are crying tonight. And the fire/EMS service system in our valley is in shock. It hurts.

Please, God, be with them all.

FOR SALE...

2009-07-11T16:07:00.000-07:00

Anybody interested in a great old 1963 Dodge PU? Would make an awesome project rig! Check out the listing HERE - need to sell it to cover funeral expenses.

Great two minute birth video! BABIES

2009-06-26T12:56:00.001-07:00

OK, you all know I assist at home births. But I don't push it much. Not a FANATIC militant midwife, just a "let's have the choice" type midwife.
But I saw this and HAD to share it with you.
Set to the tune "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" it points out options and choices.
**Disclaimer - Some na*ed n*p*ples in here, but nothing any more graphic than that.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Another "turn in my mommy license" moment...

2009-06-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

She made a list. Don't know where.
Maybe at the counselor's office.
Maybe sitting in the car.
Maybe at school. I don't know.

Her sister found it in the car today.

#3's list of What Would Make Me Happy!
Of course, there is an entry like "Being able to buy my family a Wii."
And about six other lines.

But the one about halfway down the page caught my eye.

"I want my mom to be happy."

wow.

Summer term starts tomorrow...

2009-06-21T22:40:00.001-07:00

I have NO books and no money and cannot reach the financial aid office.
The possibility of getting behind the first week is stressing me out BIGTIME.

Prayers please?

Wonder if this will work for ME?

2009-06-21T22:17:00.001-07:00

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

EWSS - 6 Does God Love me?

2009-06-12T11:34:00.001-07:00

Your going to notice that there is no entry five.
If it matters to you. And I realize that there is an entire possibility that no one in the world will ever read this besides me.

number 5 was about creating a timeline and looking back to see how your past experiences have prepared you for where you are today.
I am VERY aware of that phenomenon. And wasn't quite sure how to do a timeline on here.
But you get the gist of the whole thing.

So here's the questions for day six. I'm actually a couple days ahead of this one, but haven't had the time to sit down here and write for awhile.

What do the words "captured by God's love" mean to you? Do they generate a mental image of servitude or a more romantic picture of being pursued by someone who's in love with you?
I have never experienced "being pursued". I am always the pursu-er. Which does get tiring. And also tends to make one's self esteem lower than a snakes belly on a flood plain. When I want to spend time with a friend, 98% of the time, I have to take the initiative. What would it be like to have someone say, "Janean, please come with me? Let's go shopping. Let's have coffee. I just want to be with you because I love you."
NOT SAYING it's NEVER happened...LB is very good at trying to convince me that he just wants me for ME. But I haven't been entirely persuaded yet, shall we say.
All that to say that I guess I would have to say "captured", to me, means Servitude until Love happens. Serving because I HAVE to, until my feelings and emotions become so involved that I find myself serving because I WANT to.
Hope that makes sense...

Does the idea of being captured by God's love have a positive or negative connotation for you?
It scares me. Just being honest and up front. But change scares me. And insecurity. And not being in control. To be "captured by His love" would mean surrender...giving up everything and only keeping what He allows me to keep.

What do you naturally turn your affections to when you're under stress or duress? How can you rediscover your affection for God? When I am under stress, I want coffee. And sleep. AND my mommy. And Loverboy. And yes, I do turn to God. I'm getting much better at doing that early on, before the poo gets too deep, you know? Just saying, oh Lord, I can't handle this. I don't know what to do. HELP!
My challenge with this chapter was not relating to God in either of the ways mentioned. I don't view Him as a Father figure and I don't view Him Romantically. I have a wonderful earthly father and putting my Lord in a "romantic light" somehow cheapens the relationship that He and I have. It's hard to describe. Maybe some aspects of mentor ship? big brother-y? The friend who knows EVERYTHING about you and would NEVER let you down?

I had a vision once. Yah, I know. I'm weird.
My eyes were closed and I saw Him sitting down and holding out His arms to me. I am small, 3-4 year old child sized and He looks so grown up.
With a little smile, I climb up on His lap. And I lay my head on His chest.
He wraps His arms around me and smooths my hair down, rocking me a little.
Such a vivid mental image, I can feel the heat of his chest against my cheek and hear his heart under my ear.
I twine my arms around His waist and just lay there. For as long as I want.
No one telling me to HURRY UP, it's THEIR turn!
Safe. Sanctuary.
Nothing can hurt me while I am here.

He loves me. He loves ME. Just me. Don't have to do or be or say or feel a certain way to make him love me or to keep his love.
I just be there.

It's awesome. And if that makes me crazy, just make my reservation at Shady Acres now. I'm sure there's a waiting list...

writing

2009-06-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

When I tell people why I write...they look at me like I'm insane.
Which I am...but that's beside the point, you know.

Most people see writing as a chore. "I don't know what to say!" "It can be used in evidence against me someday!" "What's the use?" "Only if I have to for school!"

I write for the sake of writing. Because if feels good. It's cheaper than alcohol. Definitely cheaper than a psychologist. And if someone doesn't like what I write, they can just stop reading.

vs me following them around yelling, for instance.

I wish that I could do some good with what I write. I dream of making a difference someday with the words that I put on paper (or on the screen, as the case may be).

Please don't read my stuff because you think you have to.
Please don't read my stuff because you think I might be talking about you. I might be...but I usually use pseudonyms, so don't worry.
Please DON'T read my stuff because you think I might be trying to send you some kind of subliminal message.

If it's important to me, I'll come right out and say it.
And if I have already popped right out and told you how I feel....THEN I write about it? Well, at least it ain't no surprise.

Had something on my heart last night.
It was very heavy. Won't bother to explain my whole theory about what causes these things. Suffice it to say that I just couldn't get it to leave. Couldn't shake it.

Is it important enough to start a "discussion" over?
Has it all been said before?
Would my saying anything change the situation?

in reality, probably not.

So I wrote. Old fashioned pencil and paper. Chose poetry style.
five pages later, I fell asleep.
But this time, it didn't work. It helped...it did. Doesn't bother me quite so much.

With no classes? Guess I just have too much time to think.
And too much time to hurt.
too much time alone.

Think I'll go take a nap...

My Dad-in-love

2009-06-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

Last week, he went to the hospital. Double pneumonia.
I'd been working on the shirt. But with class and flu and kids and rescue...I hadn't gotten the snaps on yet.

You've never seen a lady apply snaps so fast.
Please, please, God...don't let him go without the shirt.
I know...it's silly. But it mattered to me very, very much.

Wild and crazy, I drove five hours and took it to the hospital. Got there at midnight. Lied to the nurse and said I was his daughter-in-law. Turns out, I'm his daughter-in-love. Same diff.
But the nurses were cool about it once they found out.
Sat with him for awhile that night and visited him again in the morning.

Thursday he went home.
This is him in the car. LB took the shirt to the hospital for him to wear home.
And he thought I'd like to have a picture of the event.

Would I? That picture is precious to me.
Second only to wishin' I could have been there.

And wishin with every fiber of my being that I was there with them now.

FREE Type Kit! LOOK

2009-06-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

I got a notification email from Caring Bridge website of a girl the same age as my #2 who has been battling leukemia.

She directed her readers to a site where one can register for Marrow Donation. Usually it costs $50 for the kit to do the tissue typing (although it is tax-deductible).
However, June 8 - 22 the kits are FREE while supplies last!

What an incredible opportunity to help someone!
Go do it...it just takes a couple minutes and you could save a life.

an email I would never send to my honey...

2009-06-08T21:08:00.000-07:00

because HE'D DO THEM ALL AND MORE! he definitely keeps life interesting and fun.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice! (ok, I've DONE this, but only as a test. You know...NO SERIOUSLY, I really was! Stop laughing!)

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. !

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, ! Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Mar*ju*na". (ok, maybe not!)

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. (only ONE problem with this one. All my extra skin flaps. NOT a pretty sight and it sounds funny, too!)

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-thru Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. (except don't do it to me. I'd cry)

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' (Me? I'd scream "It's a MIRACLE!")

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'(wouldn't do this one either...but it kinda makes you giggle to think about it.)

Now to TOTALLY destroy your positive image of me...

Found this "number thing" on FaceB**K

2009-05-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

Whatdaya think? Is it me? WINK

Discover Your Birth Number

Janean this is what your birth date reveals about you!

22 + 10 + 1966 = 1998
1 + 9 + 9 + 8 = 27
2 + 7 = 9
Your Birth Number :9
9’s are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help. With their charm they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful they need to build a loving foundation.

EWSS 4 - Focus on your strengths

2009-05-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

YIPE! As Julie Clinton says in this chapter...it's SO much easier to look at our short comings than to find things we do WELL. So this one is going to be a little tough.

What are your three biggest strengths? Empathy (being a mommy, comforting), Writing and singing.
How can you best reveal God's Glory and handiwork through the abilities He's given you? That is what I'm trying to discover! I'm fairly sure I am to tell others how He has delivered the kids and I over and over again in miraculous ways and share the lessons I've learned from this life. I'm fairly sure I am to help others either by midwifery or on the rescue or an ambulance service....somehow care for others who need me. But I'm not 100% sure. And I don't know how to get there from here. And I'm getting tired; losing the vision.
What gifts and abilities do you have that you can use to benefit your small group, family, coworkers, church or community organization? OK, tough one. I want to sing. I am deemed unworthy (as in "not fit to set an example in church leadership"). I try to get together a fundraising project...and no one responds. I mowed half my neighbors lawn tonight and went on two rescues today and did homework, got ready for a garage sale, played with my kids some and still need to prepare for teaching a babysitters class in first aid tomorrow morning. I do alot for my community, neighbors, family...so why do I not feel like it's enough? Or that it's the wrong thing?

I'm sacreligious...forgive me

2009-05-29T22:25:00.000-07:00

Right in among these posts about doing what God wants me to...

I took a quiz entitled "What total BadA** are you?"

WELLL!! I've always wanted to know.
No, SuperMom wasn't on the list.

Your Result: Chuck Norris

You are by far the most bada** of all of the bada**es. Your abilities and training under the legendary Bruce Lee have made you a master in the art of killing. There a literally millions of ways for you to handle any situation but most all of them include a roundhouse kick to the face. Jokes have been made about your supreme awesomeness, but not even they can grasp even a tiny inch of how bada** you are. You have the chin of a Greek god. You are the full package. Brass, Brains and speed. Let us know when you can squeeze out a tear for all of those cancer patients that it will cure.

At least now I know! LOL

EWSS 3 - Beautiful in His eyes

2009-05-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

"The King is enthralled by your beauty." Psalm 45:11
I have always had a hard time believing that I am pretty. Even after losing 200 lbs, I still only see the saggy belly and thighs.
LB says that he is trying VERY hard to change that. One night we were dressing up to go out. I had bought a new white suit for the occasion. White hose and shoes, sweetheart neckline. I don't dress up much so it is an EXTREMELY rare feat to catch me in a dress. I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup when I heard this deep, breath sucking noise behind me like someone had been punched in the gut.
He stood in the middle of the bedroom in midstride with his jaw hanging down. Eyes were bugging out. Maybe even saw some drool...
Closed his eyes, shook his head and looked again like he expected me to be an apparition that disappears. He was speechless.
I was embarrassed out of my mind. He stood there for a full two minutes just repeating "Uhhh, Wow!" Enthralled... With ME! Little old ME! That's why I was so attached to that verse in Psalms. Never had an idea what that meant before till Loverboy acted like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on.

1) What are your spiritual gifts?
Actually, I wrote about Spiritual gifts when I first started this blog. My top three were:

Hospitality: "The special ability that God gives to certain members of the Body of Christ to provide an open house and a warm welcome to those in need of food and lodging."
This gift is a practical gift. Those with this gift have an acute awareness of visitors and have a desire to make all people feel welcome. People with this gift enjoy visitors in their home, and are usually not bothered if someone stops by and their home is not spotless. Those with this gift are a key to helping new people become a part of the group.
Scriptures: Acts 16:14-15; Romans 12:9-13; 16:23; Hebrews 13:1-2; 1 Peter 4:9.

Faith: "The special ability that God gives certain members of the Body of Christ to discern with extraordinary confidence the will and purposes of God for His work."
This gift is a practical gift. Those with this gift often scare other people with their confidence. People with this gift are often very irritated by criticism, as they consider it to be criticism against God and His will. Probably the biggest danger for those with this gift is that they often try to project their gift onto other people.
Scriptures: Acts 11:22-24; 27:21-25; Romans 4:18-21; 1 Corinthians 12:9; Hebrews 11.

Service: "The special ability that God gives to certain members of the Body of Christ to identify the unmet needs involved in a task related to God’s work, and to make use of available resources to meet those needs and help accomplish the desired results."
This gift is a practical gift. Those with the gift of service enjoy doing routine tasks around the church regardless of how they effect others. Those with this gift enjoy menial tasks and do them cheerfully. Service-oriented people would rather take orders than give them.
Scripture: John 12:26; Acts 6:1-7; Romans 12:6-7; Galatians 6:2, 9-10; 2 Timothy 1:16-18; Titus 3:14.

2) How have you used your spiritual gifts to honor God in the past month?

I don't want to talk about it really...we are supposed to bless others in secret. Although I wish someone would bless me with gas money right now so I don't have to worry about making it to school tomorrow and trying to make jelly out of canned blue berries from a foodbank box so I can have something to make sandwiches for their lunches this week. Hmmm, I digress.... How have I used my spiritual gifts...
Responding with Podunk, Oregon Rescue squad has kept me interested this past week. Taught first aid at the kids' school. Gave neighbor a ride into town. Agreed to give someone else a ride later. Shared my food box with neighbors.

3) What little skill do you have that God could use for BIG things?

This one is tough too. skills?
Every now and then I'm a fairly decent mom. I can sing reasonably well. I can sew. Writing, typing (keyboarding). I don't mind standing up in front of a crowd and talking. My challenge comes in knowing when to be QUIET!
I am hoping maybe someday, God might use me to write our story of His grace and Glory in our challenges...or ask me to speak to a group of women. I want to serve in that way. Just know that i am NOT perfect in any way shape or form. I make mistakes all the time....every day.

EWSS 2 - Am I doing what He wants?

2009-05-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

Week one, day two...

Are you presently doing the task God has called you to do in this moment? Are you doing it to the best of your ability for Him, or do you simply do the minimum to get by? I don't know! If I had to guess, I'd say at this very moment I am to be a student and a mommy. I'm not being a very good mommy...I'm cranky and tired. Got a kid with the flu and a sneaking suspicion that I am next. I'm not being a very good student. Behind on my classes, just barely skating by. WOW...guess that answered the question, huh?
In what ways and areas of your life is God calling you to be faithful right now? He asks me to trust Him with the future of my family. Where will we be next month? Three months from now? When school starts up in the fall? I WANT TO KNOW...but He tells me to be patient.
When you begin to believe God has something big planned for your life, what changes will occur in the way you live? I'd like to think that I would become more honorable, respectable, someone worthy of setting an example for others. My reality is that I will say "I can never be that good" and give up. I hope not.

Gonna try something here...

2009-05-26T00:25:00.000-07:00

Went grocery shopping the other day. Saw a discount table in the back...books. And I'm all about a good book. Especially THIS kind of book.
Don't know if you've ever heard of Choice Books, but here in Oregon, we have many stores that have this vendor available. Inspirational, wholesome reading. I LOVE them.
Anyway, back to my story...
Found this one -
It's designed as a ten-week study with five daily readings each revealing a secret. AND (my favorite part so far) is the Journal prompts.

So here's what I'd like to do, if you will bear with me and Ms. Clinton will not object.

I want to write my journal prompts here. Bare my soul a little...maybe get some feedback...Maybe someone (or two) might join in and post with me. But if not, even just writing it is therapeutic for me.

DAY ONE
life is more than just getting by...

What did you dream of becoming when you were a little girl? Has that dream come true for you? I just wanted to be a commercial Dory fisherman like my dad. Then I morphed the dream to becoming a marine biologist (they make more money and always have a job, you know). I always wanted to be a mommy and THAT dream has come true at least.
What obstacles are holding you back from experiencing your dreams? I don't know that I have a dream right now. There are several things I want to do and be...but nothing so urgent that I would call it a "Dream" or a "calling".
What decisions do you need to make in the coming days and weeks that you can ask the Holy Spirit to help you fulfill? I just want to know what I'm supposed to do. Do I live here - do I move? Do I stay with my midwife mentor - do I set up my own practice and pursue state licensure? Do I do midwifery or do I head toward EMS? Do I say forget it all and go take care of Loverboy's Dad until he passes on? What would I Do with my kiddos then? I just don't know what is right? So many, many paths...please GOD, just set my feet on the right one. Don't let me cause pain.

1 Chron 4:10 "And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!”...

What is wrong with me?

2009-05-25T18:14:00.000-07:00

OK, in case I forgot to post it or in case you don't follow me on facebook...

I blew my practical exam for the EMT Intermediate state test.
The toughest part, is that they don't tell you what you did wrong.
So I know I messed up on med administration and I know I messed up on the megacode station.
I think I know what I did wrong on trauma (NC O2 at 4lpm instead of high flow).
But I don't know what I did wrong on the Combi-tube/airway station. I passed it a year ago doing my EMT Basic state test. I know it inside and out.
I'm lost.

So I applied to volunteer with an ambulance service 15 miles away. I don't live in their district, but that wasn't a requirement. Figured I could pull a couple 12's a week and help others. Get some experience. Had my board interview last week.

REJECTED. Again, no explanation. Why reject a VOLUNTEER?

Applied for a job dispatching for the summer for State forestry. REJECTED.
Interviewed for a dispatch position with State police. REJECTED

I'm having a rough week, ya'll.

One step closer...

2009-05-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

I'm one step closer to my Paramedics degree.
Passed the Oregon State EMT-Intermediate written exam.

Oooooh WOW! I am surprised. I didn't think I did.

Serious! My EMT-I teacher told me I'm to sexxy for my brain. FUNNNY lady!

This weekend is the practical State exam. Candidates report to five different stations and perform/talk through the skill required at each station. As far as I understand it, I will be tested on...

Intraosseous infusion
IV Administration/Bolus medication administration
Trauma assessment
Medical emergency assessment
Mega-code cardiac arrest management

If I pass this, I will be an Intermediate. A couple more pre-req's and I'll be ready to apply to the Paramedics class.

Will I actually go that far? I don't know. I don't know what is going to happen in my future.
I do know that it is scary kinda just staggering forward and waiting for God to direct my life. I do know that I am going to take advantage of every educational opportunity that comes my way. I do know that I will serve others every chance I get. Because that is who I am.

Have an interview next week to volly on an ambulance service...the same one I did ride-alongs with a couple weeks ago. Am not sure what kind of time I can devote or what type of commitment they are expecting from me, but I guess we'll find out next Friday. I DO know that I need the experience!

But as for what I am going to do to support my family...? still up in the air right now. I have confidence that God has a plan. I have confidence that He will let me know when that perfect job comes along.
Until then, I'll just keep on keepin' on.

And, as my darling gram used to say, I'll keep lookin' up!

S.O. meme on LB

2009-05-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

S.O. Basic Facts Meme

I found this in my OLLLLLLDDD posts. Thought it would be kinda interesting if I completed it for my Loverboy.

The basic facts:
Who is your significant other? Call him LB (loverboy) on here. But his real name is Ernest Eugene Pemberton. He isn't ashamed to have his name associated with me. I LOVE that about him!
How long have you been together? Since September of 2008 so - What's that...9 months?
Dating/Engaged/Married? Definitely sure we are engaged. Had a commitment ceremony with friends and family recently, but can't get "married, married" because I won't be able to finish college.
How old is your S.O.? 49
What’s his/her middle name? Eugene

Which one?
I think some of these answers are going to surprise you. I know some of them surprised me!
Who eats more? He does! But after a gastric bypass, EVERYONE eats more than me.
Who says "I love you" first? Usually me. Cuz I'm all sappy like that.
Who weighs more? Me, by just a hair
Who sings better? It's a tie...
Who’s older? He is by six years.
Who’s smarter? We are both smart in different areas. He's good at mechanics, history, trivia, games...I'm good at medical, secretarial, and a few other things.
Whose temper is worse? Can't say. We both get mad...over different things. But cool off just as quickly. He does have a larger "vocabulary" than I do.
Who does the laundry? We share. He doesn't mind doing it and I detest it, so whenever he comes over, he usually helps me catch up.
Who does the dishes? Same as above. I do them cuz I have to, he does them cuz he really doesn't mind doing it and it helps me.
Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? This is a tough question because it all depends if you mean "right" when you are laying on it or "right" as in when you are standing at the foot facing it. If one is laying on the bed, he has the right side when he is here.
Whose feet are bigger? His but only by a teeny bit. His are wider, though. By alot.
Whose hair is longer? This alternates. Right now...his.
Who’s better with the computer? Me, but only slightly.
Who mows the lawn? The boy.
Who pays the bills? We don't live together...so he pays his, I pay mine (usually).
Who cooks dinner? Usually me. He can do Top Ramen and boil water and make rice from scratch. And he does a good coffee!
Who drives when you are together? Half and half.
Who pays when you go out to dinner? He does. As a dyed-in-the-wool gentleman, he would never consider letting ME pay.
Who's the most stubborn? He is! But he'll tell you I am. :D
Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong? I think this one is a tie. We are both very flexible and able to admit when we are wrong.
Whose parents do you see more? My parents refuse to have anything to do with him and his mother is...ummmm....out of the picture. So I think I see his dad the most.
Who named your dog? Me
Who kisses who first? Again, a tie.
Who asked who out? I asked him for a ride in his truck. He invited me out for coffee.
Who's more sensitive? I am...but not by much.
Who's taller? He is...and I LOVE IT.
Who has more friends? he does, for sure! I have about three.
Who wears the pants in the relationship? He does. But he takes my opinions under advisement. Which is very cool.

I TAG whoever wants to do this one. It's thought provoking, to say the least.

Saw this today...

2009-05-14T17:32:00.000-07:00

On the Midwifery Today weekly newsletter, I found this incredible quote!

"If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle."

— Vincent Van Gogh

Ride Along

2009-04-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to get some ambulance time in.
Think I've mentioned before that I've only been on like FOUR transports in my life. Responding with the rescue here, we just go package them up and stabilize them for the Big City Ambulance to transport.

But I found "Middle City" Ambulance. AWESOME people. Not too busy.
Been hangin out there lately.

One twelve hour shift. Nuttin'
Second twelve hour shift. Got three calls in the afternoon.
number one was a fifty-ish lady with chest pain. Biker mama. Very self conscious.
So we hooked her up to the monitor. The Paramedic can't rule OUT any heart problems. EKG looks a little suspicious. Hubby wants to drive her in.
Paramedic starts giving her the schpiel. "This should be a wake up call, take your medicine, eat healthier, lose some weight...".
I look over and she is twisting a kleenex in her lap. Eyes big and watery. So I swoop in and hug her. Right there in front of God and everybody. "I know. I know." Pat the shoulder. Rock her some as she sobs on my uniform.

Second patient. Chronic cancer. Tired of fighting.
In incredible pain. I smooth his hair. Talk to him.
Tell him I understand how he could get frustrated. But he's got a great wife.
Lots to live for...lots to fight for.
Every once in awhile, we hit a bump. He grimaces in pain.
Soon tears begin to well in his eyes again. Because he's on his back but leaning kind of to the right, the tear pools over his eye. So I wipe it off gently with my finger. And try to steady him on the cot with my knees so the jarring isn't so bad.

Third patient. Elderly man. Fall. Hurting. Nursing home...
Heading in to the hospital. He's trying to be brave and not take pain meds.
The poor man probably has a broken hip, for pete's sake.
I told him...we are getting to the hospital soon. they are going to be moving you around. TAKE SOME PAIN MEDS. He smiles at me and says..."OK, maybe it does hurt some."
Then he goes back to staring at the ceiling.
And I notice ... food. something pink. Maybe medicine. dribbled down out of both corners of his mouth on to his neck. caked on his chin.
So I ask the paramedic for a baby wipe. They don't carry any. But he helps me find some gauze and lets me open a small sterile water.
I wash his 95 year old skin. And after we get to the hospital, they cut off his shirts. So I dress him in a gown. And make a joke about him showing his chest off to everyone.
Then I smooth his hair down, tell him I have to go but I'll be thinking of him.

End of my shift, riding home in the back of the ambulance with the paramedic, Bob.
"I like your style, you know. Not many people have that empathy you do. You take good care of your people."

Almost made me cry.
Definitely made me grin!

PAD 27 - Longing, Yearning, Pining

2009-04-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

"For today's prompt, I want you to write a poem of longing. You or someone (or something) else should be pining for someone or something. Maybe a cat is longing to get outside the house. Maybe a teenager is longing to get away from his or her small town. And, of course, there's always the longing poem of love."

There is no way this rhymes. More an essay than a poem...

What Do I Long for...
The reality is that I don't long for much.
The Apostle Paul said that he had learned
"In whatever state I find myself, therewith
to be content."
But there are a few things I would like...
ALot.

I want to own my own house some day.
I want to run away some times. But I don't
I want to go out and sit on the porch with a menthol cigarette and suck the smoke
deep down into my lungs and feel the relaxing hit of the chemicals... But I don't.
I want to go grab a beer...or two...or three. Until I fall asleep for three days. And the pain stops at least for a little while. But I don't.
I want to go running down the street pulling my hair out and screaming. But I don't.
I want a maid.
I want the man I love by my side.
I want to live forever.
I want Papa to live forever.
I want my kids to never hurt.

But I don't get what I want.

PAD 26 - MisCommunication

2009-04-26T22:22:00.000-07:00

Today's Poem-A-Day Challenge theme is Miscommunication.

Which is VEWY interesting, because I am taking a class in "communications". Interpersonal Communications, to be exact.

Sounds like a hippy liberal college class, doesn't it? Probably is to some.
But to me, it is all about Mr. D. The professor. He makes all things interesting. And he makes me laugh.
I LOVE going to his classes. He lets me talk. He acts like I'm interesting!
He doesn't make us buy the hundred dollar textbooks.

Don't get me wrong. Mr. D and I do NOT agree. On much, anyway.
We agree on homebirth.
And we agree that all the military deaths in Iraq are a very sad thing.
And we agree that there is a God.

The rest we agree to disagree on.
But I like him. I think we could be friends.

Interpersonal Communications is the art of communicating with other people...and in doing so, communicating with yourself.
And it's kind of an easy course...if you need a humanities credit.

But we have had MANY explorations on "miscommunication". Simply where you put the emphasis in a sentence can change the meaning.

For instance, one Mr. D used was
"woman without her man is nothing".

What it means, depends on where you punctuate. Here...I'll show you...
"Woman; without her, man is nothing."
or
"Woman without her man, is nothing."

Weird.

Anyway, back to the point...

What was that, again?

As simple as a raised eyebrow;
As quiet as a sniff or tongue click.
As gentle as a sigh.
As ethereal as a turn of the head.
A roll of the eye...
A flick of a finger...
A directed gaze...
A scratch
A belch
A snort.

Just WHAT did you mean by THAT!?!

WR240 - "On..."

2009-04-26T01:47:00.000-07:00

One of the exercises in the Creative NonFiction textbook that I thought I would try out is called "On...". You choose a feeling...not a noun. There were actually two times in the first few chapters that he recommended it; the first as a positive feeling and the second an "anti - " feeling.

Well, of course, I'm all about "negative". Just ask my ex husband.

OK, that was supposed to be a joke.

Sorry.

Anyway, I guess you could actually entitle this one two different ways; both negative and positive.
On Self-Doubt and On Potential

depends on whether you are a "glass-half-full" person or a "glass-half-empty" person.

Went to hang out for a shift at a nearby fire station. Normally it would be called a "ride-along" but we didn't actually have any calls. The entire twelve hour shift.
SO the only ride I went on was to one of the firefighters' homes - he was moving and needed help lifting something heavy.
After we did a couple of hours of Code practice with the paramedic on duty, (who was, by the way, one of the cooler people I have EVER met) I stepped out behind the fire station for some fresh air. It backs up to the railroad tracks - Literally!
Twenty FEET from the railroad tracks.
As I sat in the sun listening to the small town noises, I started to look around and my eyes fell on the lower floor of a grain elevator.
Posted "NO TRESPASSING" signs, a door partially open. Metal siding rusty in spots and flapping in the wind in other spots. Long oxidized patched rail-car-loading tubes suspended over the tracks in two different directions. I wonder if it is abandoned.
And the answer comes when my gaze follows the tower upward. Windows broken out leave the upper floor exposed to the elements...That would be MY definition of "abandoned".
It doesn't' really look that bad if you keep your sights set low. But it is in raising your expectations that the building shows it's true colors.
AND of course, that got me to thinking.
I passed my EMT Intermediate final a few days ago. YES - I passed!! Yet because I have little to no experience with patient transport (I only respond with a rescue, we "package" and pass the patient to Big City Ambulance) if the expectations are raised...I will be like that old grain elevator. BIG GAPS in my capabilities. Book larnin' but no street smarts. How am I going to fill those gaps? Only time will tell.
So I'm afraid. But it's an exhilarating kind of fear - not a debilitating fear. I simply need to fill in those broken windows, nail down the flapping pieces of siding and tighten up the corners. That done, I could turn in to a halfway serviceable Medic. Even if I am not serviceable as a "grain Elevator", maybe I can become a great "apartment house" or "night club". As long as I can support my children without public assistance and make a difference in my little corner of the world, I'm good.
Oh...and, of course, not hurt anybody. That would be a good thing.

PAD 25 - Event

2009-04-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

"pick an event; make that event the title of your poem; and then write a poem."

You know, I'm going to be really sad when this Poem A Day Challenge thing is over.

Commitment- Please God...

I never wanted to do this again.
Don't want to belong to anyone.
Don't want the hurt that comes when it ends.
Don't want to ruin the honeymoon fun.

Yet here we stand at the altar;
Makeshift though it is
with family and friends
a "hers" and a "his".

As our friend reads aloud the vows that we wrote
we'll make our promises and
after the last lingering note...

We will have bowed before God and man
standing together as close as we can;
looked into each other's eyes and then
till death do us part...I said once again.

This time, Please GOD, let it not be a lie.
I've tried so hard, I've failed, I've cried.
This one is different...Crap, I've said that before.
I'm scared to death to walk through that door.

What if I mess it up again?
What if I hurt my very best friend?
It would kill me to break this man's heart!
I'm serious! I would just fall apart.

My children are part of the equation, too.
How can I break their small hearts anew?
I'm going to make this one work, I swear.
Please, God....

WR240 - fodder for my blog

2009-04-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I told ya'll, but I'm taking a writing class.
I know you are all surprised. Try not to faint.

And you shouldn't giggle...it isn't very ladylike.

But when have I ever been a lady? So...GO AHEAD!

Anyway...
I actually LIKE my Creative NonFiction text book. I find myself reading it just for fun. The author writes alot like I do and he has an awesome sense of humor.
And I LOVE writing, so that helps, too. He has given me a wealth of great information and hints to write on. I noticed I've been looking at things differently - with the eye of "what does this remind me of and how does it make me feel and what can I write about it?"

One of the exercises was to write two lists:
WHAT do I know?
and
WHAT do I not know?

But I added a third:
WHAT I'd LIKE to know.

I'll be posting some of my sketchings here; just cuz I like to share with ya'll, ya' know.

Lucky you!! NOT.

What do I know?
**General disclaimer: (learned this from the book, too) IN NO WAY and by NO STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION do I know EVERYTHING about any one of these subjects. In fact, I usually tell anyone that asks that I know just enough to get myself into trouble.**

Midwifery
Customer Service
Talking on the phone
EMT Basic skills
Baking
Computers
Serving
Sewing
Compassion
Driving
Being a daughter
Being a mom
Being a friend
Singing

What do I NOT know:

Everything else

What I'd LIKE to know:

Auto Mechanics
psychology
counseling
tact
when to keep my mouth shut

I'm just saying...

PAD 24 - Travel

2009-04-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

Today's prompt was for a "travel related poem". The specific quote was "Some sort of movement from point A to point B."
I know this is beyond late, but I have been up to my eyebrows in Life Yak the last five days.
Actually read this prompt over the weekend and wanted to do my thang...but LB has DIAL$%&#UP!

Click the page you want....go do the dishes. $1.00 worth of hot water and soap.
Click to log in...Fold laundry. $2.00 of hot water, soap and electricity.
Click to post...Run down to the grocery store for milk. $2.00 for gas and $4.oo for milk.

THROWING THE COMPUTER MONITOR THROUGH A PLATE GLASS WINDOW....
priceless!

ARGH!

Point A to Point B

Some enjoy the solitude of the drive.
The relaxing meander down the highway.
Content to maintain 54 in a 55 zone.
At peace with the world doing 24 in a 25.

Driving is a waste of time.
Can't see the sights because one must watch the road.
Can't talk on the phone or we risk inattention..and a ticket.
Can't sleep, can't read, can't watch TV.
BooooooRrrrring!

I speed. I drive too fast.
I just want to GET THERE.
But if I'm riding? Ahhhh,
different story there!
For I can see, learn, talk, grow, sleep, read.

So why do I always end up driving?
Because my heart lives outside my body.
About three hundred miles from here...

No more papers...No more books...

2009-04-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

OK, OK...a FEW more books.

I'm DONE with my EMT Intermediate class! You all don't KNOW how happy that makes me.
It is my only night class and for the last five months, it has taken every Tuesday and Thursday night and every other Saturday, as well, for labs.

Tonight we took the final. I have all my projects in. We'll get our grades tomorrow. I'm 99.9 percent sure I got at least a B.

Now, I just have to pass the State Certification Boards and I will be licensed. Thursday the 7th and Saturday the 16th. But for now...

Time to rest. Time to catch up on my other classes. Time to spend with my kids in the evening.

time to sit around in front of this computer after they go to bed and be so lonely, I just sit here and bawl.

I'm doing some ride along time on an ambulance tomorrow. Should be interesting and fun.
Went to Fire Drill last night. It was on "radio communications" and the man teaching went over a 911 call with all the radio traffic. The incident was last summer. One of the men on his logging crew died.

By the time the CD of the call was over, I was physically shaking from frustration. Move FASTER, do SOMETHING, why are you TAKING so long?, Why are you arguing over the LZ for the helicopter? I practically had high blood pressure after an hour of just listening to it.
WOW.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE God don't ever let me do that. I only want to help.

Supposed to hear back from State Police about the dispatch job either tomorrow of first of next week. I don't think I made the cut, but that's ok. God's plans are bigger than my plans.

I am tired of the emotional mood swings I am having. Talked to my dr. today about weaning off of the medications I am taking. So we're gonna start the slide down.
Keep me in your prayers, please. Some of them have some wicked side effects and withdrawal. But I am SO TIRED of not being me.

I am really sleepy tonight, so I've got to go hit the hay. But I do want to remind myself to tell you the latest number 4 funny about a "spider giving birth". It's a good one!!

PAD 23 - regrets

2009-04-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

"For today's prompt, I want you to write a poem of regret. Get creative with this one, but there should be some form of regret either expressed or hinted at (even if ever so slightly). You do NOT have to use the word "regret" in the poem, though it's fine if you do."

Conversation usually turns to "regrets",
If you spend much time visiting with a friend.
"Do you regret anything from your past?" they ask.
And don't expect what I say in the end.

I don't view my mistakes as "regrets", per se.
Though there are lots of things I wish I hadn't done.
But from each painful experience,
A lesson was brought into the sun.

Regret my tattoos? I have five now
and am waiting to start on my sixth.
Each comes from a piece of my past
my history, not just some half-hazard mix.

Regret my marriage? It is tempting
Because of all the hurt, terror and fear.
But God has made joy out of pain
and I get stronger and stronger each year.

Regret my transgressions? No, I don't.
For I consciously made the poor choice.
The consequences I paid for the mistakes that I made
left my conscience with a VERy strong voice.

I hope that I've learned my lessons in life
And pray I won't make the same mistakes twice.
But if I do, they still won't be regrets.
Maybe the SECOND lesson learned will suffice.

PAD 22 - Work Related

2009-04-22T23:58:00.000-07:00

Oh, my! This one had better be short and sweet. I have about two minutes till midnight. LOL

The prompt today is to write a work-related poem. So I think I will write about all the jobs I've had/done/left...

Been There, Done That

The first job I remember was on a boat.
My dad's commercial vessel on the green foamy sea.
Although I got sea sick every morning
and sun burned every day,
That exciting way of life became a part of me.

Then I started working for the man who bought the fish
Seven hundred pound boxes we would pack them in the ice.
I was the only girl
so the last one to be called in,
When my grampa found out, he wasn't very nice.

From there, I went to dishwashing in the fancy seaside haunts
helping with the prep work to keep all the rich people fed.
Then I learned how to cook
and I learned how to schmooze.
But that job is not one I want to do until the day that I am dead.

I tried long haul truck driving; that really was a blast.
Then I went to a hospital reception desk and people who need me.
They needed me at
the state police, too.
dispatching for the troopers and answering calls from noon to three.

On to a newspaper reception desk and an insurance company too.
To a temp agency where we get paid on Friday every week.
I began to help Charlene
in her legal one-man office.
Little ones coming thick and fast. Sometimes I'm just too weak.

A stay at home mom, and a foster parent.
A school lunch lady and a telephone operator.
An overhead announcement voice and a student midwife.
An Emergency Management assistant and an EMT.

But most of all a mommy is what I want to be.

Ummm, yah. you'll have to forgive this one. I'm so tired I keep bonking my nose on the keyboard.

SIGH

2009-04-21T23:04:00.001-07:00

I gotta toot my own horn for a minute here.

After a horrible year of relationship challenges, botched surgery, crippling depression and questioning myself constantly...
It feels very good to have made the honor roll for winter term.

GPA 3.63
Only 12% of the students in my college made it.

Good to be back!
--------------------------------------------------------
I miss my Loverboy desperately. He is carrying such a heavy load right now with Papa so ill. They have to move to the "big city across the border" for radiation treatments for three days every week.
Papa is getting so tired. So is LB. How I wish I could help him!! All I can do is pray. Will you join me please? Please?
----------------------------------------------------------
My EMT Intermediate class lasts a term and a half. So now the "and a half" is ending. No more night classes! Thank you, God! It will be cool to spend some time with my kids in the evenings.
Now I just need to pass the state certification tests on the 7th and the 16th.

----------------------------------------------------------
Am not quite so tired anymore. Maybe cuz I'm not so stressed. And I have been going to bed earlier. If you count falling asleep on top of a text book actually "going to bed".

I wonder if I can resell them with drool stains...
----------------------------------------------------------

Been trying to keep up with my work outs. Have to go three times a week to get an A in the class and so far...I've been almost keeping up!
----------------------------------------------------------

I did kind of blow it, though. Didn't get my state scholarship application in on time. Closed...no funds from them come fall.
AND I missed the deadline for the College foundation scholarship application as well.
What a slacker I am!!
Still haven't gotten to file my TAXES yet, either. I won't owe anything...but I sure could use the money if I get a return.

Don't ask me why I missed all these deadlines. I can't explain it. Just too many irons in the fire, I guess.
--------------------------------------------------------

Should hear about the state Police dispatch job soon. If I don't get something in the mail tomorrow (either yay or nay) I will call. I can't stand the suspense much longer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

God bless your week!

PAD 21 - Haiku

2009-04-21T22:39:00.000-07:00

WOW. I haven't written a Haiku since high school...

I'm glad Robert posted a link to the instructional blog he wrote on Haiku metre. The form can either go 5/7/5 or 3/7/4. He has LOTS of great information on his site for many different kinds of poetry forms and wonderful interviews with contemporary poets, as well.

These are so easy...think I might do a couple here. **CLAPS HANDS AND GIGGLES**

An old friendship dies
And a new one rises up
Still, I miss the old.

Silly children laugh
their laughter is infectious
It makes me feel young.

I'll be so very glad
my night class ends this week
more time with my kids.

Now...let's try the 3/7/4...

Love him so
Miss him more than words can say
My heart is sad.

Brand new Dad
Now he comes to my life late
Soon he will leave.

"Mom," she says.
"Do you know that I love you?"
Yes, I do, Baby.

PAD 20 - Rebirth

2009-04-20T19:25:00.000-07:00

Would you care to join in? Only ten days left of the challenge...but it is fun and there are SO many awesome comments to read!! WOW!!
Today, Mr. Brewer's prompt is to...
"write a poem of rebirth. There are many different types of rebirth available, including the changing of the seasons, the beginning of the day, religious or spiritual rebirth, a reconfirmation of good in people, re-learning how to love, etc. So think on it a bit, and create a stellar rebirth poem."

Then and now

Then...I weighed 450 lbs.
Now...I hit 280.

Then...I was judgmental and pious.
Now...I know I am the worst of the worst.

Then...I acted like it was all about me.
Now...Who is me?

Then...my babies were a hassle.
Now...they are my treasure.

Then...I thought nothing bad could happen.
Now...My children are all I have left.

Then...I was unemployed, stay at home soccer mom.
Now...I am Mom, full time student, EMT, apprentice midwife, CERT Volunteer, Fiance', Daughter, Lover, friend, comforter, shoulder, writer, neighbor, father, dishwasher, maid, handyman, cheerleader and oppressed five year old.

I'm a mom blogger!

2009-04-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

Went over to Scribbit's today....which took me to Jordan's...which took me to this quiz...

The Mom Blogger Quiz
You're a mom blogger!

"Congratulations! You're a mom blogger!
You have a blog, but you have a good sense of priorities in your life.
Good for you. How I envy you. "

PAD 19 - Angry

2009-04-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

Note from Robert Brewer for the PAD challenge:
"Perhaps appropriately, today's prompt is to write an angry poem. That is, a poem about someone or something that gets angry. Could be a person, animal, or even them there angry clouds".

Well, I don't know what is stuck in my craw, but I've been a pro on being angry the last few days.
Think I need some new "Happy" pills, cuz the ones I'm takin now sure aren't working! My poor kids are ready to disown me. My fiance' thinks I'm insane because I'm either being sarcastic or crying.

Except when he calls me "babydoll". Then I giggle.

Cuz I love it. Alot.

Don't know if I happened to mention that tomorrow would have been my 18th wedding anniversary. Maybe that has something to do with it. Although I am happy beyond happy that I am not still married to that man...I grieve for our family. For the hopes and dreams we had. For my children's broken childhood. For the self-esteem I used to have that disappeared about the time he had his first affair.

You'd think I'd be over all this yuk by now. But tomorrow reminds me...and it hurts.

SIGH

Back to the assignment at hand.

Please, God, don't let me be like that...

I don't remember ever doing anything fun with her.
Even our family trip to Disney Land and such...
I remember my dad promising to stop every night
at a hotel with a pool. I remember laughing so much.

I remember my sister and I remember my dad.
I know she was there - the pictures all say.
My baby sister stayed with our grandmother
But where was she the entire way?

I don't remember ever playing with her
we always played together, as four girls often do.
But I do recall the yelling and screaming
when she was angry, then when she was through.

I would shake my head and walk away
often not remembering what I was in trouble for.
Simply recalling the yelling and slamming
the spankings and stomping across the floor.

I'm sure we did something together...
from her I learned to sew, cook, and clean.
But why can't I remember any of the good things?
Only hurtful, sad, angry memories remain.

Am I wild and crazy enough?

2009-04-18T20:11:00.000-07:00

My kids think I am the coolest mom in the world.
Because we now have....in our dining room...a five foot high 3-D cardboard display from the local video game store. It can actually be used for some storage as it has little shelves in the sides.
But I don't think that is what attracts my children to it.

It's probably the two foot Poke*on characters on each side.
That and the fact that they got to carry it out of the video store and share the van with it all the way home.

AND I had the nerve to ask for it ... AND I'm allowing them to have it in the living room.

It actually kinda blends well with my chosen decor theme of Early American Yard Sale.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Had EMT Intermediate Mock practical exams today. I went with my attitude in the toilet and fully did not expect to pass anything.
For the first two hours, I followed that pattern. I couldn't think, much less try to get an IV started, push a bolus of Lasix or run a code.

By 11am, I started feeling a little more myself. Don't know what is wrong with me...

Didn't have anyone to watch the kids today due to a "friend" not following through with her obligations. That made me sad.

I miss Loverboy, I miss Papa. It's probably all PMS, but knowing that doesn't change the fact that I feel that way.

Yes, I passed all six stations. IntraOsseus infusion, Trauma assessment, Medical assessment, IV start and medication bolus, Airway placement and Mega Codes.
Even got a couple of compliments from the instructors.

So why do I feel like running in my room and crying into my pillow? SIGH
---------------------------------------------------------------

I've got the sewing bug. I want to sew SO badly. Have about 3 projects I REALLY want to get going on. I want to make a shirt for Papa. Got the fabric all picked out.
Need to make a dress for a friend...she asked me to.
And have a shirt all cut out to finish for my LB. He looks so handsome in them!

SIGH. Maybe soon.

He's lucky I'm not wild and crazy. I'd just get in the van and start driving right now! Just to be with him for ONE day before I had to come home. Just to touch him, hold him. Just to sit with Papa for an hour...maybe read to him and tell him how much I love him.

Still not real sure I won't do it...

PAD 18 - Interaction

2009-04-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

"For today's prompt, I want you to write a poem with an interaction of some sort. The interaction does NOT have to be between people, though it can. For instance, you could write about the interaction between a bee and a flower; or an owl and a field mouse. Or just write about a traffic cop getting into an argument with a speeder. Just as long as there is some sort of interaction going on." ~ Robert Lee Brewer

Visiting....

My tiny one in the plastic box
Needles, wires, tubes, lights.
Please let me hold her close
Like a mommy should hold her.

Her little chest rising and falling
Wrapping her in the blanket.
Lifting her, cradling her, smile
Foggy bluish grey eyes open.

I sit down, lay her gently here
in the crook of my arm where
she can see me, I can see her.
And we visit, deep in eachothers eyes.

Vote for my Favorite Pet Shelter!

2009-04-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

I do alot of stuff on the internet.
College classes...
visit with friends...
email my kids so we can talk privately...
play games...
research information...
pay bills...

Not to mention BLOG!

Betcha didn't know that I also adopted my sweet little mutt dog from the internet. Found her on PetFinder.com.
I've been logging in to a great site every day - they have one of those "click to add sponsor funds" buttons -
Well NOW they have a VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE PET SHELTER contest going on. AND the winner gets MONEY.

We adopted our sweety from Hopes Haven in Salem, OR. I know that Marsha can always use money! So if you have a minute...would you go to The Animal Rescue Site and vote for

Hopes Haven?
PLEASE?

Maybe while you are there you might do some shopping? They have some awesome products for not to much money. I got a great purple fleece jacket that has become the staple of my wardrobe!. LOVE IT.

THank you!

PAD 17 - All I want...

2009-04-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

Today, Robert's assignment is to "write a poem with the following title: "All I want is (blank)," where you fill in the blank with a word or phrase of your choosing. Some example titles, then, could be: "All I want is to eat fried chicken"; "All I want is world peace"; "All I want is for everyone to tell me I'm beautiful"; or "All I want is a handful of quarters."

Some great examples he has there! Stole all my ideas! HA....NOT.

All I want...is my four back teeth.

Thought about writing a poem this fine day,
in a serious, sad or melancholy way.
But discovered as I pondered that my brain was in high gear
working on a version of a poem I hear once a year.

As a child my dad would sing to me his favorite Christmas song
'bout a little kid that whistles cuz his two front teeth are gone.
Well, I don't exactly whistle but I've got the same dilemma,
Several back teeth that hurt me and four that are gone forevah.

I'm only forty-two and my choppers are falling out.
They crumble and disentigrate...what IS that all about?
I can't afford the fake ones, although they would be kinda handy.
Plus I wouldn't have to worry 'bout an ache when I eat candy.

And I could take them OUT to brush them before I went to bed
Make sure I got every piece so my breath wouldn't knock 'em dead.
My new ones would be pretty, not like the ones I have right now;
All yellow and grey and patched and stained, sometimes I wonder HOW!

Yes, my new teeth would be pure mouth Bling, all shiny, straight and white.
I would smile so big as the slightest thing and be a beacon in the night.
Yet I pity my dear sweet partner, for when he crawls in bed
He'll have to turn and look at me with my lips sucked back in my head.

Susan Boyle

2009-04-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

I just got THIS INCREDIBLE VIDEO in an email. It's on YouTube...maybe you've even seen it.

I was MOVED to TEARS.
This unassuming little lady...47 years old. Got up on stage at Britain's version of American Idol.

They were jeering her. Laughing. Snickering behind their hands.

Till she opened her mouth to sing...

Then she gave us all goosebumps and reminded us not to judge a book by it's cover!

1 Samuel 16:7 "...for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart"

Forever...

2009-04-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

Found this...long ago. Just recently found it tucked in behind a picture of my parents.

I thought of my Loverboy. I can't wait to spend forever with him...
I'm missing him like crazy tonight. Hate it that he lives so far away from me.
I need him but there are others who need him more right now.
So I try not to push. I try not to let him hear me cry.

But it's hard...

Today

2009-04-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

Today was kinda funny.

Bought myself one of those exercise balls. Hard not to call it a "birthing ball" cuz that's what I've always seen it used for. But had a meeting with my Basic Conditioning instructor yesterday and she recommended one. Gave me some ideas.
So I got one...80 inches around and HOT PINK. Came with a DVD, 2 lb. hand weights AND exercise bands.
#3 went to school and told her teacher all about it.
Yah. Major embarrassing.
Plus the kids keep snagging it and playing with it.

I give it about a week before they've popped it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Went on a rescue call today. Older lady, slurring her words, having a hard time staying awake. So I go in and run the call. Have four guys with me. Chiefs are out of town at a conference.
We get back in the rig and sit there for a second. The driver turns around and says
"SO! When did you get YOUR basic?"
Kinda takes me by surprise as I am not sure what he means.
Then it dawns on me that he's an EMT Basic and he THINKS I have gone in and taken over a call when I am a lower ranking First Responder.

I look him level in the eye and say "About eight months. Why? Did I do something wrong?"

He turns forward, starts the rig and says, "No. She's still alive, isn't she?"

Don't know what his problem is. Was he just being sarcastic? DID I do something wrong? Why does he feel the need to challenge me?
He IS shorter than me. I should just go meet him behind the firehouse and beat him up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Went to the kids' play and science fair tonight.
They did a scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It was SO CUTE. They let the kids with bigger parts read from the playbook so it wasn't REAL sophisticated...but that's ok. There are only about 12 kids in the entire elementary school. They made their own set out of refridgerator boxes.
It was the scene where Augustus Glub falls in the chocolate river. The kid who played Augustus is MAJORLY hyper. Can't sit still for two seconds. I'm NOT EVEN exaggerating.
So when it comes time for him to fall in the river, the teacher whispers "JUMP!" and he jumps in between the brown cardboard waves.
The play continues. My number three is "Willy Wonka" and Numbers 2 and 4 play parents of the spoiled children. So I'm trying to pay attention to them.

But every once in awhile...a little sneaker or hand pokes up over the cardboard.
and again. I giggle. His eyes peak out.
and I guffaw. THEN a whole leg sticks straight up in the air.
He JUST CAN'T hold still. Looks like he's doing the backstroke in there.

It was Hilarious!

I needed a good laugh.

PAD 16 - Color

2009-04-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

"Today, we are to pick a color, make that the title of your poem, and write a poem that is inspired by that color."

Now, as you see the title of this poem, don't gross out. Most people will pick "romantic" bright colors or black/white. But not ME, I have to be weird.
OK, I guess it could be worse. I could be choosing chartreuse or fuschia or Puce (whatever that is).

I'm just saying...keep an open mind, ok? LOL

B R O W N
Our first date was because he had these dreamy brown eyes.
And we were married for 15 years.
All of our children but one look back at me
Chocolate brown gaze...full of tears.

Brown is the color of my favorite foods
like candy, Devils' food cake, and toast.
potatoes and coffee and Coke and kiwis,
And a big, juicy, well-done beef roast.

Brown is my favorite flannel sheets
that cover my cushy queen bed.
Brown is chocolate milk, my favorite eye shadow,
and the color of the hair on my head.

Brown is the tan on my lover's skin,
and the eyes that twinkle and shine
to tell me he's happy when I hold him close
And he's so glad that he is mine.

Brown is my little chihuahua mutt
HER eyes are chocolate brown, too.
She boosts my mood, always glad to see me;
follows in all that I do.

Brown is the Bark on the forest trees
to contrast with the green on the boughs.
And Brown is the color of my computer desk
as I sit and type this to you now.

PAD 15 - Twisted

2009-04-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

"For today's prompt, I want you to take the title of a poem you especially like (by another poet) and change it."

ALRIGHT...this one is going to be stretching it a little bit. But to tell you the truth, I don't read poetry. Much. ok...EVER. Maybe I've read a few on greeting cards or in an inspirational book by Helen Steiner Rice. But that's it.

So if you don't mind, I'm going to just remodel an "essay" written by my hero, Robert Fulghum. Went to his website HERE and discovered he had a few new books out that I haven't read yet.

Between Mr. Fulghum and Mr. Grayson, I have quite the Wishlist going on Amazon.com!

With my deepest heartfelt apologies to R. Fulghum.

All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From Being a Mother

Life is not fair. I don't care if you think it should be. I think it should be, too. Just don't work that way. And I'm sorry.

If you would answer me, we could avoid more than half of the conflicts we have.

I always, ALWAYS love you. But sometimes you really make me angry.

The first time I ever encountered an up-the-back poopie diaper, I threw up. I never expected it to be that gross.

I'm scared about 90% of the time that I am going to do or say something that will damage you for life. The other 10% of the time, I'm asleep.

I would fight to the death to protect you.

I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. All four of you. Each in your own unique way in your own unique place in my heart.

Sometimes I want to run away...or at least run screaming down the street. But I don't. And holding your hand, kissing your hair or snuggling with you on the couch makes it all worth it.

PAD 14 - 2-fer Tuesday - LOVE

2009-04-14T13:56:00.000-07:00

EASY prompt today...Either "love poem" or "anti-love poem".

Usually, I am all for being the "rebel without a cause", but I am feeling a good old-fashioned Love poem comin' on.

I would have thought myself too old
to be shivering like I'm cold,

Everytime I think of you;
The butterflies start dancing, too.

Half asleep and I wonder why
I see your face ONLY when I close my eyes.

I've never known a love like this
even though I have four kids.

Marriage was just a job to me
Was just something I had to be.

Now I long to be your wife,
and to be with you for the rest of my life.

I don't know how and I don't know when
But I'm your lady until the end.

PAD 13 - Hobbies

2009-04-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

"For today's prompt, I (Robert) want you to write a poem that incorporates a hobby (either yours or someone else's). That's right: Now is the perfect opportunity to write about your comic collection or your scrapbooking activities. And for the purposes of this challenge, I also think activities such as fishing, running, bowling, photography, birding, and gardening count as hobbies."

Websters defines Hobby as "a pursuit outside one's regular occupation engaged in especially for relaxation".

ok, so this MAY be a little difficult because for about the last year, I have been unable to relax for fear of falling asleep. I try to AVOID relaxing...

When I think of my hobbies...
Paul from the New Testament comes to mind.
"Why do I do what I DON'T want to do,
and DON'T do what I WANT to do?"

I WANT my hobbies to be...
Scrapbooking - so fun to be creative and sift through the memories.
Quilting - monotonous, repetitive sewing, nothing to shift my reverie.
Bicycling - The wind in my hair and the ground speeding past.
Blogging - Reading some, writing some, creating something that lasts.
Horseback riding - Would help this one if I actually HAD a horse, you know.
Singing - Seems if I want to use my pipes, a Bar is the only place to go.
Dancing - Oh, if I only knew HOW.
Baking - no time to do that stuff now.

What my hobbies ARE...
Writing college essays and thesis so I can make the grade.
Reading with my child for about ten minutes before I start to fade.
Working out at the gym to build strength and lose fat.
Sleeping - Yep, it's a HOBBY. What is up with THAT?
Volunteering for a county office, helping with anything I can.
Responding with the rescue, caring for my fellow man.
Assisting at a birth when a baby makes his way...
to the mom, it's serious stuff. To me, it is just play.

PAD 12 - "So we decided to..."

2009-04-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

Robert's note for Day 12 - "For today's prompt, I want you to take the phrase "So we decided to (blank)" and fill in the blank."

Warnings....
The first time I heard his voice on the phone, he said "I warn you, I'm a little different."
We laughed and talked and flirted for four hours.
So we decided to talk again...

The second time we talked, he said, "I warn you, my divorce isn't final yet."
We laughed and talked and flirted for five hours.
So we decided to talk again...

The third time, he said, "I warn you, I'm just a truck driver and I don't make alot of money."
We talked and talked and talked...
So we decided to ... meet.

When we met, he said, "I warn you, I can be a jerk sometimes. Sometimes I cuss, been known to have a drink or two. I'm blind without my glasses, Been called a nerd, Can't cook. Sometimes I lose my temper, sometimes I cry"
and we talked, drank coffee, held hands and talked some more.
The goodbye kiss left me dizzy.
So we decided to keep going and see where this ride takes us.

One month later, he said "Janean, Just stop talking for one minute! I love you like crazy! Will you marry me?" Can't say I hadn't been warned!!
So we decided to spend the rest of our lives together.

For Maddie...

2009-04-12T18:48:00.000-07:00

I have to confess I don't even know this precious little one.
But I felt I just HAD to pass this on.
I don't know why.

She passed away Tuesday. I DO know how I would feel if I were her mommy...

PAD 11 - an Object

2009-04-11T21:04:00.000-07:00

"To write a poem about an object (or objects)." My assignment for the day.

By "object", I'm assuming he means something inanimate. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

The tragedy of the coffee cup

It was just a plain and simple ceramic coffee cup,
Holding the magic potion that helps to wake me up.

Nothing very fancy, Santa's face in Red and white,
I'd pack around my java in from morning until night.

Took a picture of my favorite coffee holding urn
Used if for my cellphone wallpaper, the others I did spurn.

When in July, my friends would say, "SANTA? You are nuts!"
I'd smile and shake my head at their boring little ruts.

From microwave to dishwasher for two happy years,
Then came the day my dear mug broke! causing many tears.

It seems silly to some to be attached to a simple coffee cup
But I cradled that cup through such hard times, It's strength to sup.

I left it on top of my car that day, though I don't remember when.
I turned the first corner and the second corner, it didn't happen then.

When the third corner came onto the highway, a shattering hit my ear
I pulled over and gathered the pieces of my broken coffee cup dear.

I took them home and buried them proper in the green garbage can
With the respect and honor due an old friend who faithfully sat in my hand.

Now I have a new receptacle for my cherished lifeblood brew
It's black, sleek and double sized - I could get easily get used to the new!

PAD 10 - Friday

2009-04-10T19:46:00.000-07:00

"Write a poem about Friday. Do you like Fridays? Despise Fridays? Of course, you can also write about something that happened on a Friday--or write an ode to Fridays".

It happened on a Friday

School was out for the summer
that day in 2005.
I just wanted to lay in my bed
the morning news live.

The children were arguing
one child began to yell "NO!"
Here comes the oldest up the stairs
to tell me his "tale of woe".

Tho' I expected to hear him
tell of something done wrong,
I would never have guessed that one minute
could suddenly become so long.

For in that one heart breaking instant
On a Friday morning in June.
The world I lived in stopped turning,
our future was lying in ruin.

My son and my daughter unraveled
a truth that was so hard to tell;
The past year of our lives, their father
had been putting my daughter through hell.

That Friday began the a new life for me
one of fear, mistrust and doubt.
Tears, police, plea bargains, prison;
things I never wanted to know about.

PAD 9 - Memory

2009-04-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

It's hard to write tonight.
Helped deliver a baby today, made class an hour late and missed a test, didn't see my kids all day and my LB is having some kind of one-night midlife crisis. I let down a friend this afternoon, missed a class this morning, the house is a mess, I had another assignment due at noon, I think I'm not going to have anyone to watch my kids Saturday for my EMT Lab and thank you for listening to me whine.

Wanna just go put my head under the covers and sleep for a week.

Today's Poem a Day challenge is to write about a memory...
Where do I start?

I remember back before I got big.
When life was simple.
When the old worn linoleum floor was my playground.
When the coolest thing I owned was a bathrobe with
girls from other countries around the hem.
When my favorite toy was a purple stuffed cow.
When the wall decorations included an Icelandic sheepskin
and pictures of me.
We watched Lawrence Welk and the nightly news.
played on my grandmothers' farm.
And the only thing it took to make me happy was bubbles in my bathtub.

Possibly the wierdest post ever...

2009-04-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

I didn't know how it felt.

I've never had a parent die.
Grandparents...
Friends...
Great grandparents.... Yes.
Two of them had long illnesses, but I was so young, I don't remember much of the particulars. The rest were quick. One day and they were gone. The way they wanted it to be. The way I want to go when it is my time.

So I could never really, REALLY feel what my sweetheart is going through. Yes, I hurt because he hurt and my heart breaks for him and the pain he is going through. Yet I have a peace inside that tells me I don't have to "grieve as others do who have no hope". I KNOW where I'm going when I die. And I know I will see them again.

But now, I've found something inside myself that is new and different. and it hurts like the dickens.
I love Papa, my Loverboy's dad. When LB called me today to say that Papa's CT scans were ominous... I was speechless.

Which is VERY rare for me.

And I know this sounds stupider than stupid... but I almost got angry with LB!
"You MADE me LOVE him! Now look what you did! This hurts! I don't want to care!"

Isn't that just the craziest thing you have ever heard?

Yet my heart is heavy - and everytime I think about him, I want to cry.

I didn't MEAN to love him. It just happened. Now what am I going to do?

PAD 8 - Routine

2009-04-08T22:31:00.000-07:00

Here it is...Day 8 already of the Poem A Day Challenge at Poetic Asides.
Time flies when you are having fun!

Todays' prompt from Mr. Brewer is to "write a poem about either a specific routine or routines in general."

routine of change

In a world of uncertainty and fear,
There is one thing that is so very clear;

When all I want is to be protected,
Any sense of security is rejected.

Routine is the reality that every day
Someone, something, some how, some way.

My life will change. The way I do what I do
Will no longer exist, will cease to be true.

Routine is change, change is routine.
like it or not, as unfair as it seems.

PAD 7 - clean or dirty?

2009-04-07T22:36:00.000-07:00

Got a question for you...
How does one write coherently when one is so tired they can hardly put one foot in front of the other?

Well, I must say that Robert makes it easier today with a two-fer topic. Either "clean" or "dirty". (don't think like that...naughty, naughty. There's only room for my mind in this gutter!)

How about both?

The big red truck in the line of other trucks
loaded with hay...and loaded with dirt.
Wouldn't know it was red if someone hadn't
rubbed a spot on the door.

Driver headed my way, what do I say?
I need help, but strangers are dangerous
And I have four little girls in my care
in a van with a flat.

A smear of mud on his cheek, dust covered glasses
shorts, tank and shoes covered in dirt.
Hands callused and stained by the oil and soil
of a hard working man.

In no time, he's changed my tire and made me laugh
and made me totally forget about the dirt.
Who notices a bit of tarnish when the knights' armor
blinds you with brilliance?

Randomalities

2009-04-06T23:45:00.000-07:00

Dropped numbers 2 and 3 off at the local pool and number four and I went shopping, running errands, just generally having some "girl time".
When we went to pick them up, they were all SWEET and KIND. Let #4 sit in the FRONT. Held the car door for her.
All of a sudden she stops, plants her hands on her hips and announces "WHO are YOU and what have you DONE with #2?!??"

TOO funny. But she's right. It was WAaaaay out of character for those middle two!

--------------------------------------------------
Did I somehow forget to mention that I got a ticket.
Speeding ticket.
STOP LAUGHING!! We're going to just work off the assumption that I'm a law abiding citizen.

except for That OoooooNNNNNEEE little thing.
Pedis Leadis.

Of course, I got nailed on the OTHER side of the state. Argh!
By a state police trooper when I had an interview with the State police TODAY.
Dern.
Like I can afford that! Where's that rubber wall when I need something to bang my head against.

-------------------------------------------------------------
#4 again. "Mom, I gotta go potty"

"Uhhh, MOM, I gotta go POTTY!!"

Five more minutes dear.

5 minutes go by.

"Hmmm, Mom, did you know you just drove down an exit?"

No, Squirt!! Are you SERIOUS?!?! I didn't know! AH CRUD...What am I gonna do NOW.
of course I knew. It was potty time. But just the way she said it...Guess you had to be there.

----------------------------------------------------------
#3 comes out for a hug while LB and I are walking the dogs. BIG squeeze.

She heads back toward the house and then turns.
Points her head at my Love and says...

"You know, if you and my mom ever break up, you ain't NEVER gonna find ANYONE like her. All the others will just drink and drink and drink and drink and drink. They'll be NO good for ya'!"

Well...that was totally random! But she got it off her chest...

Gotta go to bed, friends. Catch ya' Manana

PAD 6 - Something Missing - MY Mommy License!

2009-04-06T23:28:00.000-07:00

Today's poem challenge is to write about something missing.

Don't know if you all had noticed or not...but my poems don't usually rhyme. Sometimes... But not always.

This one doesn't take too much thinking.
Which is good, cuz I'm running on less than three hours of sleep and more than three gallons of coffee. Which reminds me...Be right back..

OK, got my mug out the mickey-mike. (that's microwave in Redneck dialect).

What's Missing?
MY MOMMY LICENSE

No one told me when I married that kids would come along;
Just an assumption that is made. They don't know they could be wrong.

Tried for years to grow a baby, nuthin' seemed to work.
Till one day when that lil' pink line forever stopped that hurt.

Seems once things got a rollin' they just couldn't seem to stop.
Got four kiddos now who love me (hubby was scheduled for a chop!)

But as life turns out, he bailed on me and I'm left holdin the sack.
What he didn't know is that sack holds jewels I would never ever give back.

Regularly I screw up my life and sometimes I forget to clean.
I'm lousy about following up with punishment And I just HATE being mean.

So if I forget who's grounded or if my baby is spouting wit
And I just sit there laughing hard; can't help it one little bit.

Or if I let them have cookies for breakfast, or not wear their coat in the rain.
I don't make them wear pajamas or brush their shaggy manes.

Then I turn in my Mommy License, you know it's happened before.
So many times, in fact, I keep it hanging right by the door.

Been told by master Mother teachers what a crappy mother I make.
So I'm doing my best to be an unlicensed Mom...c'mon, let's go have some cake!!

My first MCI

2009-04-06T02:41:00.001-07:00

Multiple (more than one)
Casualty (injured person)
Incident

Went to LB's for the weekend. I know...I know...AGAIN!?!? but I just can't stay away from the man. Love him, love him, love him!
Don't know if I've mentioned it or not, but his Papa is very ill. I worry about him. Lots. Incredible man. I love him, too, in case you couldn't tell.
As I was leaving, I ducked into Papa's room to tell him goodbye. He opens his eyes, looks up at me and says "How's my girl?"

Wow! I don't know why but that just touched me to my very soul.
Squeezed his bony shoulders, kissed his forehead and hustled out before he could see me cry.
WOW!

Long trip home...about a five to six hour drive depending on how many times the kiddos have to go potty. Left my sweet darling man standing in the driveway sadly waving after me.
Feelin' lower than a snakes' belly cuz I miss him so much.

About an hour away from home, two major Interstates merging.
I'm in the hammer lane heading for a left hand exit when brake lights turn the sky red. I don't know if I can stop in time...
But I do. Narrowly missing a flare and about four other cars.
As we roll forward in the line of traffic, I see debris all over the road.
Accident - big one. Several cars and pieces of cars.
No emergency vehicles. Not one.

I roll down my window and holler at someone - "I'm an EMT! Does anyone need help?"
They say yes, there is a woman hurt.

That does it. I whip the van well off the road and out of danger. Kids and dog safe and locked in.
Bail out and run across four lane interstate.

No one else medically trained is on scene yet. I ask someone to make sure 911 has been called.
My brain is cranking.
I am the only EMT on scene with at least four patients on my hands.
This is Triage. Who is hurt the worst and needs me the most?
And which one of these multiple bystanders can I get to help me?

Check 20-something guy leaning against the cement barrier.
"Hi, I'm Janean and I'm an EMT. What hurts?"
Standing outside his car when he was hit by another car.
Awake and alert. Get him laid down and ask him NOT to move.

Run to 50-something woman. Blood everywhere.
Same deal. Standing outside her car when hit by another vehicle.
Multiple lacerations, her long hair matted with blood.
But she is awake and reasonably alert.
Get her laid down and Hero Boy comes out of nowhere.
"Do we need something for that wound?"

HECK YAH! He strips off his shirt and presses it to her head.
And he promises to stay with her until the ambulance arrives.
I could just KISS him!

Run to young couple. Standing up, holding eachother and crying.
I don't know where they came from, but she has an injured arm.
His leg is scraped up. She says they "jumped out of the way when they saw it coming".
I told her GOOD JOB, GIRL! Gave her instructions on self-splinting her arm.
Rolled his pants up away from the damaged leg. Asked them to lean against
the divider and wait for the fire and ambulance. Just relax and breathe...

Run back to 20-something guy.
He's getting shocky. Shaking like a leaf. Talking a mile a minute.
Pelvic injuries, knee, shoulder. Wants his mom. Scared...He says "just please, make sure they tell me what they are doing. If I know what's coming, I can handle it."
So I hold his head in line (C-spine) and talk to him.
He has so many questions...and I have no answers. I just try to be as honest with him as I can.

They are gonna come put you on a backboard and strap you down. It will probably hurt, but we'll do it as fast as we can. Yes, they'll give you something for the pain. I don't know if you will be able to go back to work in a week, dude. It all depends on what you have injured here. Yes, they will call your mom. No, don't move your head.

The fire and ambulances arrive. Entire four lane interstate shut down. They are discussing over his head whether or not to make him an "Entry". So I lean down and explain quietly in his ear that they are trying to decide if he is hurt badly enough to enter him in the trauma system. Turn him, backboard him, strap him down. I'm with him the whole way. As they get ready to lift his backboard on a gurney, the medic in charge says "thank you - we'll take over from here" and I stand to go.

Sweet kid is young enough to be my son. He reaches for me. Squeezes my hands.
I look into his eyes. "I'll be thinking of you."
Blonde fluffy hair disappearing toward the open ambulance doors.

Please, God, let them all be ok.
Thank you for letting me be there and know enough to help them. Thank you, Father, for using me. I release them into your hands.

The kids said a fireman had checked on them. They told him their mom was helping.
15 minutes after I clear the scene, I stop to get a drink and let a kid visit the bathroom. As I'm paying for my lemonade, the checker says, "Ummmmm, you have blood all over your arm."

I didn't even notice...

PAD 5 - Landmark

2009-04-06T02:21:00.000-07:00

Although we are already into day six (shhh, don't tell my Mom I stayed up this late!) I want to do my Day 5 post now, before I actually go to sleep and create a new day in my own little world.

If you actually understood the above line, you are either certifiable or just as tired as I am.

The subject is "landmark" so let's see what I can conjure up here.

The Rock

My mentor's ashes are scattered here.
I walk this sand to feel him near.

Dad and I floated in the shadow
Fish drawing our rods to bow.

Myriad sea birds nest on the face
Take to the air with quiet grace.

An awesome childhood icon this
To sit, gaze, breeze, relax...bliss.

PAD 4 / How my day was yesterday

2009-04-04T19:59:00.000-07:00

RATS! I missed a day on the Poetry writing! I really did intend to keep up, but I'm right back to it today.
Yesterday was kind of a bear doing eight hours in a Big City Hospital Triage. Then took an hour to pack and headed across the state to see my Loverboy. Saw home for a grand total of an hour and a half but it was worth it for the experience and to spend a couple of days with the love of my life.
Yesteday's ER time was an adventure. Started out kinda slow, but ended up helping with about 30 patients. Did vitals on everything from a drug seeking Hep C positive guy to a two month old baby with a rash, to a 73 year old man who was in Sinus Tach and didn't know it, to a man with HIV AND HepB. Made some new friends and saw a couple of old ones too.

Today is PAD day 4. The instructions are to "pick an animal; make that animal the title of your poem; then, write a poem."

Hmmmmm...

My Little Bitty Mutt

I didn't want a dog.
I'm not a "dog person".
I like cats.

The kids wanted her.
So I checked out Pet Finder.
There she was.

Took her awhile
To get used to our family.
But she did.

She loved me
From the start, the first day.
She was mine.

Slept with me
under the covers behind my legs.
against my back.

Depression set in.
couldn't get out of my bed.
except for her.

She was there.
she knew how low I was.
a quiet presence.

An old friend
in a new little fuzzy body.
She was there.

No words needed.
Just those caring brown eyes.
and a snuggle.

Didn't want her.
I'm not a dog person, you know.
But I needed her.

It don't rhyme

2009-04-03T00:42:00.000-07:00

I know I have missed the deadline by about 45 minutes, but didn't want to skip a day of the PAD Challenge.
Todays' prompt is to write an outsider poem.

Hmmmmm...

I have been an outsider all of my life.
Maybe not at first glance...
You can't tell from the outside.

I look like I've got it all together.
I act like I know what I'm doing.
You can't tell from the outside.

If you were in my head, you would see;
and feel the fear and loneliness;
You can't tell from the outside.

Too calm for the wild kids.
Too wild for the grown ups.
Too good for the bar crowd.
Too bad for the church crowd.
Too insecure to be a good mama.
Too loving to be a bad mama.
Too busy to be a friend.
Too lonely to be alone.
Too tired to keep house.
Too busy to keep house.

You just can't tell from the outside.

I'm definitely in the WRONG business!

2009-04-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

ONCE AGAIN, I leave the college bookstore feeling like I've been rode hard and put away wet.

HOLY COW!! I already have the books for one class, thank God. Otherwise it would have been worse.

Three hundred and fifty dollars LATER.....

Oh Baby!

2009-04-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

Lizzie and I are friends over on Fa*eBo*k now. It's VERY cool!

Anyway, she did a post with some of her baby pictures in it. Said she had seen a couple other posts floating around the webberworld on that subject and thought it was cool.
I AGREE!! And I enjoyed seeing hers'. In the spirit of "Turn-about's-fair-play"...

Here's mine!

Two hours old...1966

Four Months old